Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Lets go out tonight?

It started out like any other night, I met Angie at Target and we headed to Maple Grove for a little dinner, a little Trader Joes and a little Home Goods.

As we drove we talked and talked and talked and i noticed--as my seat warmer warmed my back to an uncomfortable temperature--that her Yukon runs so smooth. "Purs" i think i said.

It really is a nice vehicle.

Upon arriving at PF Changs, we were seated in a cozy little booth near the back. We ordered our lettuce wraps to split and caroozed the menu.

Should we split something? Are we going to each order and share? We didn't know and the possibilities were endless.

I spotted the dinner "for two" option on the back and we happily agreed on that. After asking the waitress her favorites, we decided to get a steak something and a chicken something else.

Just after i finished ordering, Angie handed the menus to the waitress and smilied and said "Its Date night!"


I immediately panicked and felt like clarifying, to avoid being mistaken for real "girl friends"  (like we usually feel anyways)

But, instead, my need to right it died as quickly as it had arrived.

I raised my eyebrows, nodded and slowly smiled back at her....

It was weird--i'm not gonna lie. Ya see--Ang and i always joke that we really put out "the vibe" when we are together. I can't explain it, but trust me--its there.

Maybe its our love for softball, flannel and all things Indigo Girls--i don't know.

After dinner we got to talking about the recent Pink concert with out waitress.  I mentioned how talented she was and how her acrobatics were unmatched and the waitress said "and her body is amazing!" To which Angie responded that Pink was actually in a movie she had just seen and then went on to add (and i quote) "But we didn't get to see her body!" Which was supposed to piggyback on the waitresses comment about Pinks beauty.....

...But really we all just felt weird--again!

Seriously?  Angie--COME ON, you're killing me here!!

We grabbed our dessert to go and decided (after being swayed by Angie's husbands text) to just go home and hang there and visit and have some dessert together.

We would quickly run to Trader Joes and then head home--for some quality time. (our favorite)

We went into Trader Joes and came out approximately 6 minutes later and when Angie put the key in her ignition and turned it....?

A click...and then death.

There was nothing.

We were freezing.

And there was nothing.

We looked at each other for a moment--in shock.

And there was nothing.

And then she tried aggressively for 5 minutes to get the car started.

Finally we gave up and i asked her where her jumper cables were?

To which she replied "I don't have any."

To which i blew a gasket and layed into her husband for leaving us stranded....This is Minnesota, after all.

Land of freezing weather, and dead batteries.

I felt the need to solve the problem (cause i'm a good girlfriend like that. Doy.) and said we should hold the available parking spot next to our car and see if we can get a jump from someone.

all the while--its way below zero out....

....and Angie choose to wear a VEST for her coat.

I just started repeating that "We need a man. We just need a man and all this will be better."

So i asked the "cart guy" who was already outside and seemed like a helpful guy, if he had jumper cables, And he immediately(oddly fast, in fact) shook his head, "No".

To which i had a new found annoyance with people who DON'T help two girls running through the parking lot FREEZING their faces off.

In the store an employee offered to get the "Mall security".


We were waiting on Paul Blart to save us.(Mall Cop reference)

Angie and i waited out in the empty spot next to the vehicle, only after i gave the cart guy a very aggressive frown as we walked past, for good measure.

And as we wait for the "mall cop", over strolls the "cart guy" to ask us if we are using this cart (i had taken it to ensure no one parked next to us)

Umm, yea. (we're annoyed)

But then we notice his strong, strong Russian accent.

To which I immediately feel we need him on our side and not against us. (You know, due to the accent.) So we kindly promise to put it back when we are finished with it.

And i smile.

After frost bite officially sets in and no mall cop arrives we decide to run back into Trader Joes to wait and warm up.

And wouldn't ya know, just as we get in we see scary Russian cart guy go straight to that darn cart to coral it back where it belongs with all the other carts.

Ugh. This guy.

I though it would be funny to nickname him "Ivan" but Angie wanted to call him "Vlad". And you know how girlfriends can be? Sooo bossy. So i lost and we called him Vladamir.

Just as Vlad got the cart, Mall cop showed up and when that person got out of the car--i kid you not--i didn't know if it was a girl or boy. Man or woman.

Come ON!

So i don't know what to even call him....Her..... Pal.....buddy.

So obviously i just compliment Mall Cop's nice Mag lite flashlight.

Works ever time.

As mall cop, man woman, is trying to jump the car (but not looking too capable) i whisper to Angie to "take a picture."

She shakes her head.

 "Come on. Quick before he notices"

To which she wouldn't.

Come onnnnn, it'll be funny, Just do it quick.

Finally i convinced her to snap one and then she quickly hide her phone.

That us!!......and Paul Blart in the background.  See? Totally funny. Totally worth it.

We're funny!

Alright, now Mall cop isn't doing well, its like 378 degrees below zero, and i'm having a conversation with Vladamir all while threatening Angie's life and this very friendship!!!

Mall cop sees Vlad talking to me (which he is--but he's complaining about mall cop) and mall cop gets all defensive and starts yelling out her, his, car that he, she, knows HOW TO DO THIS, Okay!?  To which Vlad responds "You don't need rev engine. Battery to battery is enough.!!" Paul Blart is not happy.

It got weird.

Clearly if theres a fight about to happen-- i'm taking the Russians side.


Vlad confides in me that he "doesn't know if this is man or girl, but they don't do it right." " (in a super cool and slightly frightening accent)

And i breath a sigh of relief that someone else is as confused about this mall cop thing as i am. Right?

Thank you, Vlad.

After, what feels like full blown frost bite sets in, we decide to give up with mall cop and thank her and go back inside to warm up.

Our toes are literally in fierce pain at this point and our mouths have completely stopped working.

As we, Angie, Vlad, over informative wine clerk and Matt G, all stand by the door--we assess the situation.

We talk about the cold--and i predict its 14 below--though Vlad highly disagrees. "Only 4 below." he quips.

That Vlad--he's so like that.

Angie googles it. -14 on the dot.

"Eat that, Vlad!" I say---but only in my head. Cause i'm still unsure of our relationship--or of his connection to the Russian mofia.

We discuss the gender of the cop and no one seems to know, although Angie insisted it was a female.

I don't know. But i do know this--that Paul Blart didn't know anything about jumpers.

Ugh, didn't i just say we needed a man to help us!?! (where was big strong Jeromy when i needed him!?)


Matt G decides to give it a whirl. We complain some more inside and then head out to the ferocious cold to try again.

After about 15 more minutes, he can't get the thing to turn over either.

We give up.

I silently wonder if  maybe Mall cop really did know what she was doing?

Go inside and discuss our options.

Our option is....We need Josh. (Angie's husband)

We can't get it working and its been almost an hour and our friendship and very lives are on the line here!!!

She called him and gave him the green light to come and get us.

Trader Joes tells us they are now closing, but that Whole Foods is open until 10.

Thank you--loud and clear--we're outta here.

Guh, so we run--broken, frozen, frost bite and all--through the parking lot to the other store.

(remember Angie is wearing a vest and i have my fancy lady coat on tonight--not my super cool, hip and trendy Polaris one--thought it would have made the girlfriend scenario so much better, right?)

Once inside we roam the isles, complaining of our hurting toes and need for sugar. And laughing a bit.

Cause if ya can't laugh--what can ya do?

Alas, we land in the gelato section


We go into a fit of story telling as we share all of our nights tales with the poor gelato girl and i get excited and my pace increases to about 789 words per minute....

...the gelato girl sampled all her gelato with us. And then pointed us to the freezer where there are gelato filled cookies sandwiched together in one glorious mess of deliciousness.

Of course i settle on that.

Angie gets a "teeny tiny" 2 baby scoop bowl and we sit down to thaw out....

.....while eating the gelato.

We talk about how weird it is that i just happened to comment on the life of her car, debate if our toes are frozen or burning, look at our funny mall cop photo, decide if our friendship is going to last, and eat gelato.

It was magical.

Josh arrives with his Dad and we go over to the Yukon.

They have tools, jumpers and everything with them.

About 3.8 seconds after opening the hood, they move a wire and start the vehicle.

My jaw drops.

It was a connection problem.


"Did they just start it?"

After Angie nodded i went into a full blown rage about how no one even really helps people out and how any real man would have looked a little further. Jeromy never would have let two girls freeze out here while fending for themselves, without trying to figure out the problem. Vladamir, you tricked me with your delightfully scary accent and face mask, and Matty G you were nothing but a tween-who forgot his long johns today-with no knowledge of cars.


What is this world coming to when a man can't help a woman with a car problem?

I was spent.

And cold.

And we were on our way to my van--in the Target parking lot--that has had  NO HEAT all winter--and i wasn't looking forward to it.

As i got into my car--i blew Angie a kiss (cause thats what girlfriends do, thats why!)--and headed back up to East Bethel.

Reminiscing on the nights events. (With teeth chattering, and body convulsing.)

And as i drove i watched as my thermometer read.... -14





As i reached my garage the temp was -24 out. My Mom was right, when i told her of our nights problems and she responded, "You live, you don't go out on cold nights."


And as i came home at 10:30 i shut off the chicken light, brought my food inside, got the dog water and found that even though i had bought my gelato filled cookie 45 minutes ago--it was still completely frozen.

And so was i.

Good night, my friends and Dasvidaniya!!

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