Thursday, August 29, 2013

a new season.

The season is changing. I am torn about how i feel. Obviously this is the topic of my conversation and thoughts these days.

My kids will be in school. All three of them. This year.

How 'bout that...

As i process that, i think back to the beginning of Summer when all three of them were in VBX at Oak Haven Church.  I would drop them off at 9 ish and pick them up before noon.

I specifically remember that first day driving out of the parking lot.  As i waited at the stop light to turn onto Hwy 65 i felt a bit lost.  Like i didn't know what to do. Like i didn't like being away from all of them at the same time.  Like things were a changin'.

Even if only for a week.

But as with most change....we get used to it.  We adjust.

The things that feel overwhelming and unthinkable become tolerable and comfortable.

Clearly i have planted my roots at home.  I have invested each and every day of my life, for the past 8 years, to my kids and to their well being and their needs and their raising.

I have rocked them. Kissed them. Laughed with them. Taught them. Sang with them. Watched them. Smiled a them.Explored with them. Ate alot of ice cream with them.  Drove with them. Danced with them. Scolded them. Disciplined them. Shaped them. And loved them.

And now what??

What am i to do now?

This journey is taking a turn. One i never even imagined i'd get to. All those sleepless nights. All those puke buckets. All those nights on the couch. All those moments where i thought i was going to lose it. All those moments of being completely covered with kids, but feeling so desperately alone. Those days that i thought would never end.They were so hard back then. And they seemed like they would never end.

And yet now--already-- they are here. And I will have moments of silence. Moments to myself. Quietness.

But i don't know if I'm ready for that just yet.

I can't just blindly send my kids off and carry on with my day. With my hopes and with my dreams.

I don't suddenly want to further my education. Get a job. Get attention. Or make life all about me.

I know so many women spread their wings when the kids leave.  And i can see how you could choose that path.

But for me. I think about my kids. I hope they are enjoying the day. I hope they aren't too bored. Or frustrated. Or afraid.  I hope they are happy. I want them to be happy. And i invest my time going to school to make them happy.

I feel like this new season of "school" is like a full time job for me.  I spend more time running back and forth eating lunches and pushing the kids on the tire swing then i ever imagined.

And i don't think its because i am overly involved. I don't helicopter.


I know they need to learn to be on their own. And they will. They do.

But i always cling to the fact that i want them to be so secure in my love. To see me and trust me and depend on me, that they can be successful people as they grow.

School doesn't mean i'm done.  I don't feel a sigh of relief.  I feel a new demand. I'm going to embrace it.

Cause i just love those little buggars so much. I couldn't imagine checking out for 8 hours of "freedom".

 Lord, help me if i ever love the freedom more than the hugs.

I don't want to turn to selfish ways. To pats on the back. To furthering myself. To earthly affirmation.

Not just yet.

Because to me. Now that they will be away. Even if only for 10 hours a week.  I feel that the need to be home and available holds so much more importance now. Pressing. Necessary.

These little humans are my blood, my body, my heart. And heaven help me if i invest so much in myself, that they don't have a secure house, their nest, to return to each and every night with their Momma in it.

I want to greet them with dinner and a smile.

I can't check out now.

I know i will survive. And hopefully adapt to this new change. But i don't want to look forward to it.

As my mind wonders--every day--what my new routine will be. I have to always keep them first. My role as mother and wife is more important then my role as women living in this world.

Its a slippery slope. I can see it. I can even feel the tug at times. But i've got on my hiking boots and i'm in this for the long haul. I've gotta be....

Here's to a season of change. May God grant me the strength and wisdom to transition gracefully with my sights set on their needs first and all that is good. And not the ways of this world.