Saturday, December 15, 2012


Yesterday was unspeakable. Unimaginable. Evil.

I have no words to describe the pain i feel for the families who lost their innocent and precious children yesterday.

My brain truly can not fathom how anyone could do this.

I knew nothing of the events yesterday. I felt in the weeds because i was running behind on preparations for dinner with friends at out house.  At around 12:30 my friend called me and said "Did you hear the news?" In a terribly somber voice.  I said "no." And she proceeded to tell me that "there was a shooting at a school, kindergarten through 4th grade..."

And i tell you, what i heard was "there's been a shooting at East Bethel Elementary School..."  Her kids go there and so do mine.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling that overtook my body. My lungs began to fill with fire and my stomach hurt. It was a pain so intense.Visceral. My hands started to shake as i, truly, thought this was happening at my school.

For a moment--my world stood still.

"turn on the news." she said.

I turned off Arthur and watched channel 4 in horror. Horror. After only a few minutes i turned the TV off and told Junior to get his shoes on. We were going to get my girls.  I needed a moment alone to compose myself as i felt like this journey went from being one i was going to experience to absorbing all the pain and sorrow that i now felt for families who lost their babies. Kindergartners.

Perfect, sweet, innocent and vulnerable. I pictured Laney's adorable class as i drove.  Envisioned our principle and our teachers. It was horrific.

As i walked into the office the principle was quietly talking to the secretaries. I waited for her to leave. Assuming she was talking about the days events.

And then i said "I am here to pick up my kids early."  The secretary said okay.

And then she looked at me and gently said " They are safe here."

 I did everything in my power to keep my composure. I nodded and said, "i just need them home."

And she called for Ruby i was able to go get Laney as i knew she was getting ready for recess.  She was shocked and all the kids were happy. Laughing and talking. Waving and hugging me as i walked through the hall. They are all so innocent. So precious. My soul hurt as i tried to smile at those faces that i love.

As i walked out of the school the weight of the day hit me harder and i felt ill.  I needed my kids. Fear had entered my life. Along with a sorrow i never knew.

As a mother, I envision rushing to the scene of that school. Your life can go either way. You hang in the balance wondering if your child will come out, or if an officer will come to your side.

The sheer joy of seeing your child run from the school to your arms yesterday, a gift from God that breaks the heart.

And other families--went to bed with out a member of their family. A child no longer has his or her sibling. A mother with out a child. A family with a broken heart-forever.

We have experienced many evils in life.  Shootings, bombings, 9/11, terrorist attacks. But nothing has hurt my heart like yesterdays shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  A kindergarten class.

So as i mourned an prayed yesterday and today, i just feel guilty.  Someone is without their 5 year old- and today i am hugging mine. So far from the tragedy and yet i feel survivors guilt.

A child should never die. But in cold blood. It sickens my soul and tears at my heart.

As i woke up the reality hit me again. That this really happened. And how thankful I am to have my children safe at home with me.  But how much i hurt for those families.

All we can do is pray. I don't even have the words to pray, but we must.

Yesterday I prayed against the evil and the hate in this world. I prayed for the first time ever, that God just comes back to earth to take us all to heaven where we can live together forever. Without any pain. Without any children dying.

Heaven. That was my prayer.

I shut down the computer and kept the tv off all of yesterday. I couldn't see any news, didn't want to hear any more stories.  Because the three minutes that i did see- some of those comments are ones that i wish i could forget. You can't unsee things. And we can't un hear it. We can't unread stories. So i choose to pray. The facts are horrific and we know that those families, those survivors, those injured, those parents, kids, teachers and friends--need prayer. And that is all that i can offer.

We can pray. And God can heal.

 I don't know how, but he has to.