Monday, November 12, 2012

Everything effects someone

On Saturday i picked my wonderful Mother up to take her to lunch with one of my brothers. As i drove to his house, with my mother in the car, (who am i kidding, it was a van) her brother called her to wish her a happy birthday.  As i drove silently and listened to the conversation, i heard her say "well, i'm 65 today. I've lived 15 years longer than Mom and Dad." She said it and kept on talking about memories and fun stuff, not stopping to break down or anything.

I, on the other hand, felt this new pain that i feel inside at the thought of my grandparents. The 4 of them that i never even got to meet.

And it hurt my soul a bit.

So much that i had to focus on something else in my brain, or it might just overtake me.

Since i have been an adult. Maybe since I've been a mother. I really-really-wish i had had Grandparents growing up. Really.

I often think about my Mom's Dad and wonder if he would have been proud to watch me play ball?  I think of my Mom's mother and wonder if she would have enjoyed eating the sugary treats that i love to cook? Would my Dad's Dad be like Uncle John, or Uncle David?  Could i make him smile? Could i make him laugh?

 I bet I could make him laugh.

And my Dad's Mother, would she have approved of the person that i am? Would she have liked me? Liked all of us?

I often think of this- with sadness- as i see the wonderfulness of Grandparents and their love for their grand kids. Their love for their own.

I long for it actually. Even as an adult, i just kind of long for it. I wish i had had someone who just loved and doted on us and thought we just hung the moon. Because that's what Grandparents do, right?

And that's when i start to think about the fact that my Mom was just in her twenties when her parents were killed in a car accident. A mother to two young boys. Her brothers, Scott and Rob, were barely school age. Babies. Too young to lose their parents.  And that loss has continued down the line. It is felt by not only those kids who's life was forever changed when their parents went out the door and never came home...but also for their kids, and their kids kids. Generations feel the pain and loss of not having a mother, or Grandmother.

It doesn't just effect a few people. It effects us all. In so many different ways.

And that is why i feel especially sad/angry when i see a generation that does have grandparents, but are at odds.  Its not just them that its hurting. Its everyone down the line.  To see grandparents choose to "neglect" grandchildren or children for this or that reason...

It truly boggles my mind.

What is worth doing that much damage and causing that much hurt?  Pride? Anger?..i just don't get it.

I hate it. Because i long so much for it. I would give just about anything to have known my grandparents.


So it really irks me, when i stop and think about it, just how much pain my Mom and her siblings had to endure. And my Dad and his siblings had to endure at losing their parents so early in life.

I know God has a plan for everything. And i know my parents are amazing and strong because of the hand they had been dealt. I know i am fine and my kids will be too.

But i still find myself thinking about the what ifs in life when it comes to my grandparents.

What if they liked me? What if they just really liked and protected me and loved me...

Oh, what a love that would have been.

And so, as my Mom talked about outliving her parents, it reminded me--not that i needed to be reminded--just how blessed I am, and all my family is, to have them in our lives.

Because their love is great, they  like us and they protect us.

And for that--I am so thankful.