Friday, March 18, 2011

the bad days

Boy oh boy, i tell ya, my mood has seriously changed from two days ago until now.  I find that sometimes my mind rebels against itself..  I fight the flesh so much. Its hard to be a christian and a human, isn't it?

I feel like lately i find joy in so many things and i have a pretty positive outlook on life.  Its not how i used to be, but something that i have intentionally changed as i grew up and faced some sticky situations.  And that is why i am so frustrated with my self today.  I feel like there are a handful of people that i am around or talk to that live a life so differently that i do and on the wrong day, i find myself wondering what it woulds be like to live differently or to be different.  These people aren't parents or friends that i would say that i look up to or respect because of their amazing parenting or relationships, they are just friends that i had so long ago and they make me think about life back then.  No schedules, no one to report to, no pressure to do things just right.  I have felt this way before, and i am sure I will feel it again, but i don't like it.  I am confident where i am and happy to be here. But i find my mind wondering, on a bad day, why i don't do more carefree and fun stuff? 

Deep down in my soul, i know that raising my kids to be "spiritual champions" is the most important thing i will ever do. I am grateful for it and excited by that. I am overwhelmingly thankful that i get the privilege to stay home with my kids every day.   I honestly wake up and feel glad that i am home.  Especially now, as they are getting older and we are enjoying so many more things and our schedules are more exciting and we can actually leave the house at noon without having to nap someone.  I love it.  

But no sooner than i started expressing how much easier life was getting, i had a bad day yesterday. Nothing serious, i just felt my joy leaving as i got grumpier and more frustrated.

I am 29. Thats not that old, is it?   And yet, i look in the mirror and i find myself asking why my hair never looks as good as other girls hair.  Why do i still wear the tee shirts i had years and years ago. And are those seriously CROWS FEET next to my eyes?  I am a mom. But i am still a girl too.  I've got to fight the feeling of insecurity because i know my hope lies in Christ and not these material things. Seriously, i have argued the shallowness of these thoughts my whole life. I never caved under the pressure of the perfect clothes, makeup or "things". They were never important to me and they aren't now. But, i find myself feeling frumpy.  When i have no where to go in a day, i don't get too fancied up, ya know?  Sure, i put on my jeans and makeup, but i don't worry too much about it.  Maybe its just a bad week or heck, maybe its just hormones, but i hate this feeling.  I feel old. I feel unsettled today.  I feel like there is no possible chance that i can keep the kids clothes OFF the floor for more than an hour. I feel overwhelmed, a little.

I guess my own remedy for that is to go upstairs and start organizing the kids clothes, re arranging book shelves and shave my legs?  But Ugh. Thats just it, it doesn't sound fun. Today i am not able to find joy in folding laundry.  But i won't give into these truthless thoughts. I have value as a mom. We all do. And that should fill me up.  I am a child of God and thats pretty amazing. So, I am going to do my best to focus on the positive things today and let those other trivial thoughts (the ones that are NOT from God anyways) fade to the background.

Moms, lets put an extra coat of mascara on today and crank the tunes and feel like we felt 10 years ago when we were running free...because the only difference is, now we have even more to be grateful for!

So, (deep breath in) laundry and house hold chores..(long and exaggerated sigh out...).. here i come!