Thursday, November 12, 2015

Paging Dr. Leo Marvin.

A really big part of my adult life, i've found myself asking the same question, "Isn't it okay to just be different?"

As i've tried to make my way through the sea of life, to swim with the crowd of other adults but i've always felt a little like i didn't belong.

And i never just felt so assured about myself that that didn't bother me.

I am constantly questioning and wondering. I'm never content in the way that i think i've got it all (or anything, really) figured out.

Except movies. Obviously i know good TV. I mean, come on.

But as far as "grown up" stuff. I've just never fully settled into it.

Do we have to be quiet in groups?

Can't we laugh 90% of the time?

Is it bad to keep being self depreciating for the love of a good joke?

House work, homework, wife work, mom work.

Its all hard for me.

Does it really matter how organized our closets are?  If you've got shoes to wear, isn't that all that matters?

Who cares whats behind the curtain.

But here's the thing, almost everyone cares whats behind the curtain.

But i just don't.

I like to have fun, i like to laugh, i like to ignore work in lue of conversations.

And yet, at the heart of my big, loud being i silently wonder, "is it wrong to be different?"

I've beat myself over the head trying to change to convert to adult.  I just think my "adult" might look different than some other people's adult.

And that's okay?

Without going into details but with acknowledging that i have like the coolest friends in the universe, i'll tell you a quick tale of what sent me into my recent "adult" talespin.

My friends husband bought her and i tickets to Florida, rented us a car, and booked us a hotel.

No strings attached. Happy Birthday friend, lets jet outta here.

I'm sure your mouths are watering right now with jealousy. Cause you're normal!!

But me.....i began to sweat.

And panic.

And possibly feel a touch of atrial fibrillation come on.

24 hours after this honeymoon of a friendship gift was booked.....i flipped-a-lid.
I'm talking full on cuckoo bird hyperventilation!

I didn't have alot of people around me saying "Go! Have fun. Don't worry." I felt stressed by others opinions and afraid to leave my family.

Thankfully my friend has a tiny case of the cuckoo's herself, so she understood and didn't yell at me in my delicate time of lunacy.

After many wackadoo texts that usually started out by quoting the line that was playing, on a loop, in my mind from the movie "Super Troopers" i let her know that i was "Freaking out, man!" and she finally gave me the "okay" to call the airline and request the money back.

Although it was now 25 hours after booking, and they said they wouldn't refund us.

But, when fear has its grip on me, i'm like a cat trying to claw your eye balls out as you attempt to set it into a tub of water.

There just was NO way i wasn't gonna make this happen. Done and done.

And after three hours on the phone with India, a possible brain embolism, and 6 technicians later.......the money was refunded.

(you can go ahead an pick your jaws up off the floor now. Yes, i THREW AWAY a friend filled, kid free all inclusive 4 day trip to Florida.)

And here's where i start to feel bad.

Although i am SUPER happy to be able to breath without feeling like i am going to have a nervous breakdown today, i wonder what in the H. E double hockey sticks is my problem?

I do stuff like this alot.

I complain about house work and yet i can't seem to leave my house.

I get stressed with school work and the kids, and yet that's the only place i ever want to be.

The beach sounds amazing......but how can i get there? Not a plane, i'll tell you that!

I felt myself spiraling last night. I knew i was going down, and i knew it was going to be bad.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, i felt like a loser. And i questioned my mental status. (but that for another time and another place.)

But like i told my amazing friend (who shockingly still likes me and we have since made other amazing plans: IN THIS STATE), those feelings last night were real. It wasn't just me being scared. It was all consuming and unfortunately its what makes me me. The crazy. I knew no matter what, i couldn't fly out of here next week. But i also know that that plane will land safely and those people will have a great vacation.

But that just not for me.

And is that okay?

Why can't i just DO stuff.  Its weird.

I can't explain it, but i sure can feel the pull to keep my feet on solid ground.

Forever and ever. Amen.

I went to the gym to try to sweat this feeling out.  But it didn't help.

I didn't want to talk on the phone. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone. To mourn my life. And the inability that i have to take risks. Or trips. Or drive south of 694. Whatever.

And as it goes our pity parties can spiral real low, real fast.

Like what is my purpose here? I literally can't do anything. I kind of just fail at all things "normal."

I'm not like everybody else. Period. I'm constantly influenced by others thoughts, opinions, and feelings on things i do. I just don't want to blaze through life and run people over. I don't wanna say "not my problem" when someone doesn't agree with my choices.  And yet, its that exact same concern for others feeling that has been my downfall. Insert chicken with her head cut off here!

I just care about every little thing that every person close to me says and does at every moment of every day, Dangit!!!  That's all. Whats the big deal about that?

Its a vicious cycle i tell you.

As i drove home, in a daze, trying to process all this garbage in my head, i ended up at my faithful little Ham Lake library.

And after 24 hours of an intense stress that is so abnormal, over something that seems so perfectly exciting and amazing, i was emotionally and physically spent.

Like a total turkey.

To be honest i just kind of felt like a loser.

But then i entered my library.

Where i noticed the librarian got a hair cut.

"Hey, did you get your hair cut!?" i asked her as i entered.

"Oh, yes....i did." she said.

"Wow! It looks really nice." i said as we chatted some more..

And that's the exact moment, right there in my sweaty gym pants and 4H sweatshirt, that i realized that i was okay.

Maybe i'm not meant for great big things. Maybe i won't be the worlds best (or even on the level of normal) traveler.

But for me, right there in that moment, i knew: If  i could just make one person happy. Bring a smile to one persons face. That was enough.

That. was. enough.

I belong here in this small town. My small little space of life.

And i think.....i am actually starting to think......that maybe that's okay.

Its not Florida or a white sandy beach, its better. 

I want to be happy in life. And i guess, no matter how hard i try, i can't make somebody else's 'happy place' mine. I've got to get through the rough stuff in order to know how to find the good stuff.

Baby steps.

(ps. My friend is awesome and i will love her till the day i die.)