Monday, December 2, 2013

I didn't have to know him to feel the pain.

I guess i can't quite explain why the death of Paul Walker has stayed with me so heavily.  I didn't know him personally.  But i can close my eyes and see his smile.  I've never spoken to him. But i can hear his laugh.

It sounds weird, i suppose.

But i can't quite shake my sadness at the tragic loss of this human.

I found out a day after it happened.  And i found out via a facebook post talking about how wrong it was that the driver of the car hadn't been acknowledged yet.

I felt weird when i read it. Panicky, almost.  I quickly read the rest of the post to find out there was an accident. I immediately googled his name and the first thing i saw was his dateof birth and date of death.

Again, obviously i didn't know him.  But i did love his movies. Always.

As i read about the accident, i found myself holding my breath.  And feeling that familiar feeling of adrenaline and panic run through my veins.

I just can't believe it. To have just left a charity for "five minutes" to take a car for a spin??? And then to crash, so tragically, and die??? Its upsetting, to say the least.  My mind has difficulty processing it.

I've gone to bed thinking about it. And i have woken up thinking about it.

And i don't know why.

Something about him dying is really bothering me.

People are posting things on facebook about his death being no more important than any other death. And i agree.  But the difference is, lets not make light of his-- they are all so tragic.


It is so final. So palpable. So uncontrollable.

As i walked on the treadmill today--trying to focus on something other than this death, my mind raced.

Why?  I pray as if we were friends. I pray for his family. I think about his daughter. I wonder about the movie. I am sad for the loss.

And then i wonder about heaven???

I prayed as if to beg God, to make him be there.

Whenever someone dies, most people assume they are in heaven.  Though we know that not all humans will be there. I thought about Lazarus and the tax payer. How he begged God to let him tell his brothers about this awful place, how he wanted to warn them about Hell. How he would do anything to keep his loved ones from spending a second in this fire.

I cringe at the thought of Paul Walkers smile not being in heaven.

And then i cling to this verse "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?" 1 corinthians 2:11

I didn't know Paul Walker and i didn't know his heart. But i pray he is in heaven.

For some reason i saw humanity in a different way today. I begged and pleaded for the sinners. For them to truly know God and to love him.

I wanted God to fight for Pauls soul like i felt like i wanted to. (Though i know he did)

Again, i know its weird. I don't know why i feel so connected to this.

But his isn't just a death that I can read about and say "aww, thats too bad."

This is staying with me.

And i don't like it one bit.

I almost want to forget about it. I want to rewind and be able to go on--not caring, like so many others.

The burden of this feeling is heavy on my soul.

I didn't want to post any photos. But i did find a quote by him that read "If someday the speed kills me, don't cry because i was smiling." 

Honestly, that little quote gave me a bit of hope. i don't know why.

As i reenact the accident over and over in my head, i keep thinking that it had to have happened so fast that he didn't suffer. He didn't even know what happened.

I imagine that it just went dark.

And that's where my prayer turns into a plea.

What is the line? 

We know that John 3:16 says that "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." And i believe that with all my heart.

I only hope that Paul believed as well...

Sometimes i think i get stuck in all the rules.  Instead of just loving God and loving others. I wonder if i am loving Him enough and loving others the "right" way. (i'm embarrassed to even admit it)

And just seeing death, so in your face and vivid, i just want to shout it from the roof tops. Its not enough to just live--we need to live for Christ. Each day. every moment. Always.

Because tomorrow isn't promised to us. And we aren't entitled to any second chances. And hell is real.

Our lives can go from life to death in an instant.

If you let your self really take it in, if you let yourself really think about eternity--it should change you.

Honestly, it can scare you. Our human brains often times get in the way of eternity.

But lets think about it.


Right now.

Those are my thoughts today.  I just wanted to work it out and writing helps. I know its weird how it has affected me. Heck, its probably lame. But i can close my eyes and see the scene of the accident. And I wish i couldn't....believe me.

I have nothing more than this today--

I'm just sad about the death of a man, that i never knew, who was far, far away.

And I can't tell if its making my vision clearer--or foggier........