Monday, May 19, 2014

No school.

I'm going to try to make this quick, since i have been informed that sometimes my blogs can get.....long. :)

A week ago i handed in my permission slip for Ruby to go on her class field trip to the Como Planetarium and i also submitted my volunteer slip.

Ruby informed me that if too many parents volunteer that they would have to draw from a hat and i might not get picked.

No bigs.

I did the math and knew my odds couldn't be less than 50%. It was likely i'd get picked.

Fast forward 5 days. I knew it was "drawing day" and before Ruby left for school i informed her of my NEED to get picked. I told her maybe she could tell her teacher that too....wink wink.

She came home and i was all, "Sooo? Soooo? Am i going with you!?"  And she wouldn't tell me so i had to wait.

At dinner i asked her again, smiling, confident i was picked, and she said "why don't ya go change your clothes?" Which is code for she put it on my bed.

I cheerfully ran to my room, hooting and hollering, only to find the slip of paper that informed me that the names were put into a hat and then selected, but alas, mine had NOT been drawn.

Guh.

I instantly went into silent panic mode.  I didn't know HOW the heck i would be able to let my child go on a field trip far, far away to a distant land, without me.

I put it out of my mind. Telling Ruby it was no biggie anyways.

But come Friday, i though i should maybe email the teacher just telling her of my apprehension and ask, beg, plead to get a spot on that trip.

But i didn't.

I don't know why.

I think maybe because i already knew she wasn't going.

I just couldn't do it.

I thought about it all weekend.

Finally on Sunday i just told Jeromy that, " I can't do this. There no way i can send her away with out me."

Like the wonderful guy he is--he agreed.

As i woke up today, i still wasn't sure what i would do. I knew what i should do. I know what is the rational thing to do. The normal thing to do.

But honestly, there was nothing in my body that was saying "let her go."

Even when her and Junior got into an all out brawl and i was totally ticked at her, i still couldn't send her.

I tried to threaten it. I did say "Get your clothes on and get ready for school."

But at this point she assumed she was going anyways....so that didn't make any sense.

Finally i sat her on my bed and just looked her in the eyes and asked her if she wanted to go.  I tried to tell her she would have a good experience and that her friends would love it and it would likely be awesome.

But then i said, ".....or you can just stay home with me?"

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She choose home. And i never looked back.

I even knew my decision was wrong. I knew about 98% of parents wouldn't agree. But i also knew that my heart was 100% made up.

And if i let her stay....well, then Laney had to stay too.

The deal was done.

I could live to breath another day with my kids under my wing.

(i can actually hear you guys shaking your heads right now.....i KNOW. But i don't care. )

Well, we headed to Hans Bakery to meet our friends and all was good.

We stayed for a short time with our friends and headed out to meet Uncle at the book store.

Never once did i waiver from my decision.

It is just school after all.

And its only one day. Plus---it was raining.

And Ruby was supposed to eat lunch at a park after the planetarium thing. And the thought of my baby girl just sitting all out in the open in the world, that is actually what sealed the deal for me. Her in a PARK? Just all out there eating? Ummmm, NO way! Not happening.

On our way back up from the book store, i said "lets see a show!" And then I called my Mom to get the times for a show i wanted the kids to see.

The timing was perfect.

Million Dollar Arm was playing in 15 minutes and i was on my way. And my Mom decided to meet us there as well.

Perfection.

School, schmool--i wasn't even thinking about it and my complete irrational (or very, very rational) fear that i am likely going to have to deal with at some point.

 But not today.

We got in the theatre and i watched a movie about baseball.

It was perfect.

I wanted my kids to breath this movie in. I wanted them to love it as much as i did.

They kind of did.

Barely.

But as i walked out of that show, a true story, about two boys from India who worked so hard and left their life to try to play baseball in America. It was so stinking inspiring and heart wrenching and beautiful. (don't worry, i won't tell you any more than that)

I loved it.

I recommend it.

As I thought about these boys who left India, their families, the safety of what they knew, to pursue this thing., this American Baseball, i couldn't help but think about the fact that i kept my girl from a field trip.

I had a mix of emotions that flowed from the thought of my kids chasing their dreams, loving something so much that they were willing to work hard for it and persevere towards it. And then the reality of the fact that i had them with me because i was scared of a field trip.

I didn't waiver about my decision.....I was only aware of it, people. The irony was not lost on me.

Either way, as we walked out-- i was happy. I had my kids. We were with Grandma. We watched a movie. We got a book. The day was perfect.

I called Jeromy as i drove home and he asked me how the day was. I told him. And then he asked me if i got the calls from the school.

Yes. The one about them being absent? Yea, i got it.

What about the other one? He asked.

Uhhh, nu-uh? What one is that? 

He proceeded to tell me that he got a second call saying that the entire St. Francis school district was in lock down.

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.....................(blink, blink).............................



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"Uhhhhhh, come again?"

Ya, the entire district went on "lock down" (a lesser version of it. no one in or out) because of something that happened in St. Francis city.

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(increase heart beat)...........................


..................................................(difficulty swallowing)....................


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..........................(Sudden urge to throw up)...................................



......................."SEE!!!! I TOLD you i wasn't crazy for keeping them home!!"

You see, you guys, i would have gone completely, 100% John Rambo on the school, had i known Ruby was about to return and Laney was in the school during this time.

Like, i'm talking red sash around my head and everything crazy! I would have had to get them home. Do you guys even KNOW that feeling? That fear that we constantly have to face now because a handful of idiots have gone into schools and hurt kids!!! We have to be afraid now, because of them. And i hate that. In the deepest part of my being. I hate it. And them, for doing this to us.

I fought the fear rising up in me as i drove closer to my house. My brain was on overload. I was like, making plans to own a bomb shelter and never have my kids more than a 5 foot radius apart from me. I was on the verge of going full blown cuckoo thinking that  maybe someone was on the loose.

 But then i pulled my boot straps up, I got home. Brought the dog inside and did a straight up sweep of the house. I'm talking total SVU style. I was calling out, "Clear.....Clear....." as i checked every room. It made me feel powerful. The kids got it too. They know the drill from school. Sadly.

So, long story long, i kept my kids home today. I just felt like i should.  And unfortunately this crazy lock down situation has like totally exacerbated my total neurosis.

But i'll address that another day.

As for today, the kids stay with me.