Monday, October 8, 2012

making a change

This week has been difficult. A bit. In one particular and small area of life....PARENTING!

I am having a buggar of a time figuring out one of my kids! It is so frustrating and confusing to me. As i disipline her constantly, i am feeling sad for her at the exact same time. What does she need? Why is she mad about this?  How can i make her feel better? And will she ever just listen to me and not put up a fuss? 

Seriously. I don't know what is going on and i don't feel in control one bit. 

But as i sit and think about her today, i am reminded that if nothing else, i want her to feel safe and loved at home. I want home to be a foundation of simplicity, love, encouragement, quality time and understanding.  And yet as i try to establish that (in my Hitler like way) i wish she would understand that i am only disciplining and teaching her so that she can grow up to be an amazing and loving and kind and caring and confident and a respectful woman.

But how do i tell her to be kind to others, when i snap if she hits her sister? As i try to emphasize (and maybe over emphasize) the importance of family, i am coming down hard on her because i know what happens and how it feels when the family unit isn't supportive and loving and encouraging and caring.  And i fight so hard against it, that sometim- i wonder- if i am just doing my own cause damage?

Probably. Right? Uffda.

Either way, i feel resolved to take on a new method today. I am going to love my child for who she is right now, and hope that through my actions she will learn all that i have been trying to teach her (without success) through my words.

Sometimes i worry that its too late to shape them differently. To do better. To be better. And that feeling is not comfortable, but the truth.

But i am determined to curb my words and pump up my actions....and hope they take notice.