Sunday, November 13, 2011

This is hard.

I have realized that my life has begun to emulate the "i'll diet tomorrow" sentence that we all say.  I swear to you, everyday of my life for the past 6 years i have said, Tomorrow, i will totally tackle Rubys room. Tomorrow, i will clean out my fridge amazingly.  Tomorrow, i will eat less treats. (who am i kidding, less DQ) Tomorrow, i will get a hold of my life and be on top of everything like a perfect mother and wife.  Tomorrow, i will be better at life. 

I am sick of feeling like i have to be better tomorrow. I want to be better now. I want to clean my kitchen fluidly and effortlessly. I want to teach my kids manners with out yelling at them. I want to have a bedtime/teeth brushing session that didn't make me want to pull my hair out.  I want to do better. i just want to do better.

I feel like i have been in the weeds for most of my married life.  Of course, i blame this on my birth order. I mean, people always picked up my dishes for me. i was the baby.  The baby.  And i think i am naturally unorganized and lazy.  Lazy.  I feel like i spin my wheels( and feel exhausted by it) all day and get nothing done. Everything that i start gets interrupted.  Every time i have good intentions to tackle something that i don't want to...i don't.  

I start the day with dishes. I let my kids eat breakfast at the coffee table while they watchCurious George, just so i could have a minute alone at the kitchen table to think, breath, anything. Just be alone. For one sweet second, be alone.

I am realistic enough to just say to myself, when i am feeling overwhelmed and down, "just do it."  Just deep clean your room for pete's sake.  "Just do it.  Do it. Do it!"

And yet, as i sort my magazines, i see something that captures my attention, and i just have to sit down and read that article or copy that recipe. I mean, if i don't i might miss my opportunity, right? ... Right?

I dream to be like Bre Vandicamp (Hodge) For those of you who don't know what i am talking about, You're the lucky few. Probably the better few.  Bre is Marcia Cross' character on Desperate Hosewives. She is type A (i wish) organized (not likely) tall and beautiful (hey, i am tall) the perfect housewife. And i love/hate her.

Sometimes i feel like i am just wasting away here. Doing dishes. Folding laundry. Answering questions. I mean, i know i wouldn't have it any other way.  I am doing all of this to be here with my kids and raise them and care for them with my own hands.  I am blessed (honestly) to be home every day.  I'm just not very good at it. 

Sometimes i feel like my brain is just turning to mush. I can't remember the things that i used to. I talk like a crazy person on speed. (lets just face it) and i can go from subject to subject like nobody's business.  I just may forget a few of the things that i'm talking about or get tongue tied and frustrated. And i always have to spell check just about every word i type. Seriously, is it motherhood, or my thirties?

Or both.

I realize that i set the bar high for mothers.  I mean in my head. I have a standard that i am trying to meet that i simply can't seem to do.  Its my mother. She was the perfect housewife. How do I do that?  She always tells me that as a child whenever she was cooking or doing something of value that i should have learned, I was always at a practice or game.  I was an athlete.  Just a high school one, but it runs deep.  I want to sweat. I need to compete.  But I don't. Because the sensible side of me always wins and reasons that i don't need to spend money (that we don't have) on a membership to a gym. I can just work out at home. Have you ever tried doing that with three busy kids?  Its not easy, and its definitely not relaxing.  And yet, the Hitler Mother inside of me reminds me that I am the Mom. I should basically always be here for my family. Physically here. At my house. Looking at the same four walls for 24 hours of my day. Again, i am truly blessed to be able to do this. But i think i take motherhood to the extreme where i hurt myself in the process. Now, not the Oprah kind of way. I don't need to care for myself and take care of me before i can take care of someone else. I just mean, i need to loosen my own reigns.  I can go out of the house sometime without my kids, right? Its not selfish, is it?  Ugh. I can't do it. One, we live too far away from anything to make it worth my time and two its takes money and gas to travel and that is so limited that its unbearable. I can't justify wasting any of it on my silly selfish things.

But that leaves me feeling trapped.  But then feeling guilty.  Its maybe not about leaving, but feeling like i am accomplishing something. Anything. I just want to be the best dish do-er in East Bethel. I want to have the answers for something instead of always asking for them. I want to be valuable too.

I almost wanted to type that i will do better tomorrow, but i have said that so many times that it frustrates me. Will i even try? Or am i too tired?

Too lazy.

Too unorganized.

Too crabby.

I don't know. I don't have my own answers. I know the things that are of value. I love God. I love my family. I am healthy and so are they. I am truly blessed, but sometimes i just feel like i want a little break from the pressure.

I want to do great things...i just can't figure out how.