Tuesday, January 8, 2013

My Devil

Here we go.

I'm gonna do this, publicly.

Walk through my thoughts today.

I do with everything else, why not do it with the ugliness in life too.

I don't want my "blog" to be anything that is fake, or untrue, or all sunshine when its raining out side. Am i right?

Today i am dealing with the devil.

I believe the devil comes in so many forms to so many people. Greed, lust, dishonesty, envy, fear, malice...the list goes on and on.

But for me. The devil has a face. And that face creates hate in my heart.

Its is so frustrating to be a Christian and to know all that this world is missing and to love and want to represent Christ at every turn. But then you come across your "devil" and the flesh begins to take over.

At least that's what happens to me.

There are a hand full of people in my life, all connected, that manage to bring me down at every stinking turn in life. As hard as i fight it, and as much as i pray about it, my flesh often times wins.  Hate and anger take over the love and the peace.

And I don't know how to handle that. Especially as a Christian.  My heart is full of love. But if i were honest, way back deep in the darkest corner of my heart, i have a little place where hate and anger live. And as much as i try to ignore it, it is always there.

I have people in my life that are "irregular". A situation that many others don't face. But i don't want to hide it. I don't think its right to pretend it doesn't exist. And i certainly don't want to be the christian hypocrite who talks all love and harmony in public but schemes and plots behind closed doors.  Because that is what i feel like i am dealing with today.

I know those faces are the devils because they spin conversations of confusion, lies, deception and manipulation.  Dealing with my "devil" makes me feel like i am imploding, silently.

I know that when i am angry, i am very froward. I don't let much time pass before i need to deal with a situation.   I just have to. Its who I am.

So i may get angry. And i may seem very upfront. And i get upset and vocalize it.  But you know what?

At least you know what you are dealing with then? As mad as i can get or as harsh as i can talk, i am not unreasonable. I won't cut you off or refuse to deal with something.

And that is important to me.

I can always hear the truth. I can debate my side. I can hear your side. I can get through it. But i don't and won't ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist.

This "devil" in my life. I have had better days with. We have gotten along.  As long as i'm only nodding my head and agreeing at every turn, why not smile?  But when you disagree with a person and they become unreasonable? What do you do with that?

How do you fight an invisible war? How do you defend lies or combat hate that is spread in secret?

I have tried.

I will continue to try.

 But i don't want to hide it under a bushel today. I don't want to act as if there are no problems in life or that everything is sunshine and rainbows.  Some days are bad. Some people test your patients and faith.

Some situations seem hopeless.

My flesh wants to rise up. Making a statement that you thought i was bad before...well watch out now. Cause you ain't seen nothing yet. My flesh wants to call out all of their hypocrisy, lies, hate, dishonesty, scheming. If i were truthful, i would say that i want to meet that "devil" on a hill at the school yard.  Ya get me?

But that is my flesh. And as a Christian its a daily battle to win the war against our flesh. Our selfishness. Our need to be right. To be respected. To be heard. And to be understood.

Fire runs through my veins as i recount a situations from last night. I have a very difficult time dealing with disrespect.  In a bad situation i believe we have to stay "in it" and defend ourselves or back up our opinions. But when you get shut down or a person won't acknowledge the problem or try to turn it around as act like you're the problem. Its just gets hairy, ya know?

Today i want to fight hypocrisy with honesty.  I am a Christian and i love Jesus, and i struggle with hate in my heart.  Its embarrassing to type. I hope no one is so appalled by this fact.

I hope as a family of Christ we can all be open about our shortcomings so that we can be better. Because to hide it. To disguise it. To ignore it.

Is to pretend.

And i don't want to put on a show. Not for anyone. I would never stand in front of a group of people telling my story of pain and suffering on this earth with out acknowledging my sin in all of it.

I am a sinner.

But He is good.  His news is good. He is a redeemer.

And today I am going to listen to his teachings. I am going to put my knowledge to work. I am going to live out my faith. I'm going to "Cast all my cares on the Lord so he will sustain me...". (Psalms 55:22). Because i have proven time and time again, that i can't do it alone.

I keep falling.

But today, i think i'll stay down....

And let Christ fight my battle for me.