Thursday, August 22, 2013

Its coming.

I can feel it in my bones again---schools coming.

The other night i woke up in a panic as i realized that school is only one more full week away. And i had a stomach ache the rest of the night as i thought about my kids being there.

I love the school setting, the community, the togetherness and the camaraderie that they have and share there. I do.  I just wish they could have all that and i could be with them the whole day.

I know you homeshooling Moms are going to be disappointed that i haven't pulled them yet.  And i am a bit disappointed myself.

Believe me i have agonized over this decision and come to the conclusion that maybe middle school is when they should be a home? I don't even know anymore.

All i do know is--i don't want to sent them away again.  And yet having them home all summer, i haven't done a great job practicing their reading and math either.

Our days have looked a bit like this--wake up and watch some tv while i make breakfast. Then we end up outside. Or at a movie. Or swimming a the pool next door. Or in the garden picking our veggies. Or collecting eggs. Or riding bikes. Or playing at the park. Or driving up to DQ. Or playing ball in the driveway. Or making food together. Or snuggling on the couch.

And i don't want to lose that. I don't want to have the 4 to 7 hour at night when my girls are tapped out from school and we have to cram in reading homework or study our history. I want the days. The good parts.

But i have already shown myself that when we have a whole day together we aren't organized and learning out of a book. But we are learning from real life.  And i think that is equally important. But if your kid can't read but he can swim laps in a pool--not really something to put on his resume.

So i understand that they need school. I know.

I just don't  like sending them. Plain and simple.

I told Jeromy recently that i wish i could just "home-hang" them. (that  looks bad on paper, but sounded better when i said it--i swear.)

I want to "home-hang". I want to be home and hang with my kids.  All the time. (well, except for a random night when i need to go out with my friends and paint my nails!;) )

I actually feel like a sob is just hanging in the air. Over my head. At all times. And i know its the thought of them leaving for 8 hours a day, again.

I can't shake it, but i can't seem to change it either. Because they love school. And i love seeing that.

I love their little classes. The kids are so precious and i feel like i know them all. I know who i want in my girls classes, and who i don't.  But regardless, i trust that God will place them where He wants them to be. I have to. Because its my prayer with the most volume behind it.

My panic prayer. My pleading prayer. My concerned prayer. My daily prayer.

And that truly reassures me. Each day before they head out to the bus, they wait at the door, sometimes moaning "Moo-oom ,come on. Hurry up and pray so i can go out!!"  And even when they are whining about it. I am always proud of them. Happy for the habit. And confident that God is listening.

So i grab them individually and pray aloud for their safety, their heart, their friends and teachers, and their minds.  And off they go.

In fact, i do about 90% of things in life wrong. But this--this is the one moment every day when i know all is right. When we are together in prayer and I am hugging my girls.

The thing is, i don't just throw up a prayer out of habit. I pray each morning as if i am putting on their armor for the day. And it truly (and not much else does) makes me feel like they are going to be okay while they are away from me.  Because i believe that, when we ask God to put his angels around East Bethel Community School every morning, He does.  I know they are there. Standing watch. Protecting the innocent children. And that's what gets me through another day of this "school life".

Uff. I feel it coming. I feel me chest tightening. I feel the sob hanging. Lingering over me. But i am going to enjoy this next week or so that have them here. And then i'm going to face that first day of school like i do every other year. With my car keys in hand, so that when the bus passes by, i can get into the van and follow it to school. .You know, just for good measure :)

Cause that's how i roll....