I'm just gonna be straight up honest in this post, so who knows where that will lead me or who(...to whom?....to who?......whom?....whatever.... ) i may offend.
These past few weeks of all three kids being in school haven't been the cake walk i had secretly anticipated.
In fact, i would say its been really, really hard.
I don't know my place yet. I'm not sure of my new tasks. And for petes sake, I'm still just me after all. Disorganized, scatterbrained, kind of lazy, food loving, tv watching, Christina.
Which i think is about 3/4 of the problem. I didn't suddenly transform into the neat freak, obsessed, type A mom that i thought i would when they stepped onto that bus.
You know what i do?
I clean a bit, cook a bit, wash laundry a bit, drink coffee a bit, and visit with my friends a.....well, a lot actually.
So i feel like this time that i had anticipated to be so long and relaxing has actually kept me feeling rushed and a bit stressed.
So stressed in fact, that i went to the doctor the other day.
Let me just give you a little insight about how often we go to the doctor around here. For the past year i thought we had health partners........but it turns out, we don't. Well, who knew!
I went to the doctor because i was a bit concerned about this pain in my left calf, i was a tiny bit worried about my ear that is swelling and just wanting blood work to make sure i'm not dying of anything.
Is that so much to ask?
Well, this doctor, who i didn't know, started asking me stuff and i answered--in true Christina fashion--quickly and not wanting to waste his time.
As I'm talking i happen to feel my mocha suddenly kick in, but no bigs, i express my concern slash confusion with why i am actually here.
To which the doctor responds, "I noticed your speech is a bit fast."
(blink.....blink. Are you kidding me!?)
"Yep." I respond. "Just trying not to waste your time."
To which he says, "How'd ya do in school?"
(blink.....blink....insert increased blood pressure now.)
"Fine, i did fine. Fine. And i know what you're getting at here, jerk. ADD? Seriously? Come on. I can read books, i enjoy my quiet time. I focus and process like a champ. Okay? Lets not do this."
To which he says "Its just that if your speech is that fast, i can only imagine how fast your brain is working, and I'd imagine that its not very easy to slow it down sometimes. Right?
"Mmmhmm. Sure." i say.
And then i add, "Just an FYI, I feel like you are speaking especially slow, on purpose....just to prove your point."
And with that, we tensely smile at each other.
He just continued right along. "Are you having good conversations with your husband?" He asks. (serious, i might add)
At this point i literally laughed out loud and asked him, (with lightning speed) " Are you having good conversations with your wife?"
Touche Christina (......i said to no one.)
Then about 5 minutes later after having to honestly tell him my high school grades (!) and prove i wasn't a nut, he told me that sometimes "home moms"(yep, that's what he called me) spend alot of time thinking about how they are feeling when the kids go off to school and they really just need to find something constructive to do with their time.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do thats constructive, buddy--I'm going to construct an involved plan about how i can take you out in the parking lot after work. Oh yea, that's right, how you like that? And I'll do it all with my lightening fast brain and swollen ear. OKAY?
So that was last week.
And now i don't even know if i am actually feeling things or if its my "home mom" problem.
Even though i laughed about it. I have been thinking about it....
I guess it boils down to responsibility and discipline. And i am just having a heck of a time with that.
The pressure i feel to have the house clean and dinner ready, cause I'm home alone, seems to be overwhelming.
I feel like i am going to crack, like at any second.
I hate dishes. I hate laundry. I don't need to be busy. I don't want to reorganize my drawers or linen closet. Socialization is way more important to me that that junk and its so lonely at home...in the laundry room.
And yet....that's my job.
When i look back, i feel like i may have been a little bit crazy when i had Junior. Like, angry and spinning crazy.
It was the sleep i tell you. No one ever sleeps!
And yet now, i feel like i am kind of going down that road again.
Me trying to keep up with three kids homework? Fuhgedaboudit Its madness. Who's spelling needs to be done when? Did your do your IXL math? "A" says "ahhh". Read for 20 minutes. Wheres that sheet i signed? Do you have lunch money? Snacks? Oh you're the star of the week this week? What was your mothers mothers mom? What is 33 divided by 3? If a train leaves the station at 4 o'clock and its heading North........
Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! This is more than i can do here.
Each night i find myself wondering where is my place in life? What should i do? Is any of it valuable? Am i gonna snap and really go after that doctor? Maybe.
All i know it i got on the treadmill and walked for 29 minutes today to help my brain.
I don't know if it worked....but i'm gonna keep trying.
You know how people often say non Christians have a "Jesus shaped hole in their heart?"
Well, I feel like i have a "Christina shaped hole" in mine . And i can't figure out how the heck I'm supposed to fill it.
Who am i?
...and why the heck is my left ear swollen, darnit!