Very big indeed.
After months and months of people asking me, "What are you going to do now?" And wondering, for myself, what am i going to do.
The day is upon me.
All three of my little cherubs are in school.
I didn't anticipate this day very much this Summer.
I choose not to.
I knew that if i let myself even think, for a second, that my baby boy was going to climb up those familiar steps of the bus....
well, i might just die.
Instead i placed my head firmly into the sand. Where is felt so welcomed and familiar.
I like the sand.
Its safe there.
The proverbial sand that is.
Cause real sand.....Ugh.....not a fun place.
The bugs, the things, the .....SAND. Yuck.
I want none of that.
My sand was pretty much a safe place until Sunday morning, when i woke up--at 4:15am.....and it all hit me.
I had just snuck out of Juniors room, after he had a bad dream and needed his Momma, and climbed into my own bed when it hit me.
This is really happening.
So i prayed and i prayed and i prayed and i prayed. And then i prayed some more.
This is a a big step when you have been a stay at home Mom for 9 years.
As i wander around this afternoon i realize that this is the biggest change i have experienced since i became a mother--9 glorious years ago.
Its the same thoughts that I had when i first looked into Ruby's eyes. She's really mine? Forever?
I remember being overwhelmed with the awesomeness of being a Mom and thinking that it wasn't going to end, i was actually going to get to see this baby crawl, walk, make friends, and go to school.
She was mine. She was my girl.
And now as i walk around the empty house, folding random things and wishing i had better things on my DVR, i think.
Is this real? This is what its going to be like from now on?
Its like i feel like at any moment someone was going to come in and say "Just kidding!"
This is my new normal, huh?
Its like i have been hidden in a closet working for the past 9 years and now i am outside and in the sunshine for the first time. Its so bright. Its so real. Its actually here.
After all the sleepless nights i thought would never end, and the breastfeeding that made you feel about as valuable as an ol' cow, the nights where i rocked, and rocked and rocked some more--desperately wishing for sleep, after all the warmed up veggies that came flying out of those adorable mouths back at me, after all the first steps, the first teeth, first birthdays, and first words, the never ending battle of bedtimes, baths, the fatigue, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking.......
After all of it.
I feel confused in this new sunlight. Afraid of this little freedom. Unsure of my footing.
I honestly don't know what to do.
I don't want to love it too much.
But like all things, i suppose i'll get used to it.
Today after Junior got onto that school bus, i felt a little like i was suffocating.
What if he cries for me? What if no one is nice to him? What if he needs a hug? What if....what if....what if.
I can honestly say that when that bus door closed, i was in physical pain.
And then i jumped into my van and begun to follow the bus.
Because i can, people! Okay?! Settle down about it.
Jeromy asked me if i was alright? I just looked over at him, forgetting he was even in the car. My babies were on that bus.....and i needed them to know Momma was right here.
I know. I know!!
But its how i felt.
Once they arrived at school, i ran over and snapped their pictures and hugged them and walked them to the door. (like i do every yer)
They seemed okay.
They were excited to see their Dad. (normally he is waiting in the car with a little sibling.) This was the first year he was able to get out too (tear). They ran to him.
Then we walked Junior to his class line. And it all hit home. Seeing my baby boy in line, all strong, and waiting. Was a proud, and heartbreaking, moment for me.
I kissed him 576 times, reminded him to be kind to others and headed back to the car.
My sweet baby.
How did this happen? When did they grow up so fast?
Why was the sun so bright that it caused my eyes to water and my lip to quiver. Darn sun.
So now here i sit....watching the clock. Waiting.
For my three little chicks to return to their nest so i can finally breath that sigh of relief.
Hold 'em tight, Mommas (and Dads). Because they really do grow up fast......