Tuesday, November 11, 2014


And so it begins......


In Minnesota.


Let me start by saying i am not one of those people. You know the ones, the ones that sit and complain about the cold weather, like all. the. time. The ones who use every opportunity to complain about the cold, the snow, the wind, the ice, the winter.

I've never been a fan of those people.

I feel we have a responsibility to be loyal to our State.  Equal to the one we should have for our family and our friends.

"Stop rippin' on her" i think. Yes, she's cold, we get that, we know that, and we accept her for who she is. But she's not all bad. She gives us 4 beautiful seasons, transforms the landscape into an artists dream every fall, gently soothes us to sleep in the spring with her gentle rains and warms us to perfection in the Summer.

I love her.

I love my Minnesota.

It where my roots are, so it's where i am.

But for the first time, in 33 years, last night when i let my dog out before bed, and i opened the screen door to feel the winds whipping up snow at my face, and heard the intense jingle of my wind chimes.....its like the cold actually settled inside me.

And it was an ugly feeling.

I closed the door quickly and tightened my robe, this could be a long one, this winter we must endure yet again.

And as i slid into bed and pulled the covers high up to my chin i started to think, nay, to panic about the impending doom we Minnesotans were about to embark upon.

And i tried, i did, i tried to be positive. I tried to be loyal. I tried to find the silver lining. But i couldn't.  All i could think of was why the heck did our ancestors stop here--it must have been Fall. It had to be Fall. Because only fall could intoxicate a person enough to make them stop and set up camp. Darn you beautiful Fall. Darn you.

So as i lay there, shuttering as the wind beat aggressively against my window, i started to think about the fact that our van is just cold blooded. She's a stubborn ol' girl who likes to run cold. (or at least that's what Jeromy and i like to say to make ourselves feel better as our teeth chatter when we are in it) That van just doesn't heat up. Like literally.

And ya know what else?

 I lost the filter to my wet vac and that really started to bug me!! If i could just get a new filter, then i think i would feel better about this winter. Right?

Which lead me to thing.....

Are the chicks okay? Are they too cold? Shoot. Another winter laying in bed wondering if they're gonna make it.

Yea, ya wanna hear more?

My entryway mat was soaked from all the boot travel yesterday!! And that stunk.

More you say?

My van got so stuck in the driveway yesterday!! And that caused me to flash back to last year when i got stuck and i seriously think i was going to have a nervous break down, cursing the snow and screaming as i froze and dug my way out!!

This is too soon. It just can't be that time of year again.

I'm a lady. I like to take things slow, Winter.

And this is much too fast. 

And how is it that the kids gloves, ALREADY, are like constantly soaked? I can't keep up with this.

And the bottom of my freshly washed socks?  Ohh, they're damp because i accidentally stepped on that entry way rug!!

And ain't  NO ONE LIKES DAMP SOCKS, girrrrl!!!

At least all the kids snow pants fit them exactly like Steve Urkel's pants fit him. So that's great.

Not yet, Winter, just give us a few more weeks.

Here i sit, after a weekend with my husband away hunting, and then a snow day, and now a 2 hour school delay. My kids are standing on that wet entry way mat, because they went outside, "just to test their pants" and ended up playing in the snow like crazy people (aka: kids) and now....THEIR MITTENS ARE SOAKED!!!!! So there i made them stand. For the next 10 minutes, till that every lovin' bus gets here. And the dryer is a hummin' as i attempt to speed dry those darn $1 knit mittens.


Its not you.....

....its me.......

......actually, its you.  Its most definitely you.

I've tried. I have.

We all have.

As i drove to my Moms house yesterday morning, all my precious cargo in tow, i thought, "i am a straight up cuckoo bird." It seems whenever the weather gets real bad.....i get in the van. That cold blooded hog.

I stopped at Holiday to get a few donuts and as i opened the door to that unfamiliar (and yet so familiar) gust of snow/wind hit my face, all i could do was gasp for air and run inside.

Inside, i saw other Minnesotans, we gave each other the eye, the "i know, right?" look. It felt special.
Its that same moment that i feel so often, in  the winter,  in Minnesota. Pride.

I'm proud to be a Minnesotan. I am. We're tough as they come. Dumb, maybe. But super tough.  I mean, we're much likelier to get MS someday,  but we're tough. Have i mentioned we're tough? 'Cause that's all we have for the next 6 months. We're tough.  So ya better hang your hat on that one, 'cause its here to stay.

After my special love moment passed inside Holiday,  i got back into the car and though, Yep, we ARE in these trenches together people. We're a team. And i love you.

But as i drove a bit further i thought, Team?? These people are crazy, these people aren't my team, these people could very well become my MURDERED with only one turn of the wheel!

So i stopped thinking and just focused on the road. And then flicked off the next person to drive past me. Just to let em' know who's the boss out here.

 (just kidding, Mom)


I'm not saying i wanna break up.

....I just need some space.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Look up and live.

Get ready, cause here i come.


It's the cause of my rant today. It has been slowly burning down in the pit of my belly for weeks and weeks and today--I'm snapping.  And its highly likely that about 99% of the seven people who read this aren't going to agree cause they will probably be reading this on their tablets, or say it ain't so, while they are in the line at Chipotle! (insert mad woman scream here!)

I am like so totally over this electronic phase of life.

A long time ago, by brother told me that he didn't think the problem was the instant access but the slow separation that was going to come between the have's and the have not's.  I never really committed to that problem as my fury was at the total idiots that it was creating in our kids. Little self righteous, instant access, over informed, under educated, selfie taking, reading about peoples life but unable to live their own, smart phone dummie kids.

My step daughter constantly jokes about not needing her brain because its "not the most used network in America", or not needing to know which direction is North, "because my phone does", i laugh, as i beg her not to be just another smart phone dummie. She doesn't get it.

Because shes growing up in the era and its just "what everyone else it doing". It would be weird for her NOT to have a smart phone, i pod (x5) a kindle and a nook, right?

Seriously, i just have to take slow deep breaths at this point.......

I know the argument.

"But its whats happening, everything is online and if my kid doesn't know how to work something they will be behind." "What about college? They are going to need to know how to do this stuff."

Here's my argument.

I don't know how itunes, twitter, instagram,  facebook, vine, or youtube is going to help your kid.

I don't believe any of that crap. I literally hate this instant access.

We have GPS---so we don't have to actually know where we are going.

We don't memorize our friends numbers (or heaven forbid, our parents) because its programmed into the phone. Duh.

We can't spell cause autocorrect can.

We don't have photo albums at home, we have facebook online.

We don't wear watches, or write grocery lists, or go to the library, or bank, because we have a phone that can do that.

Eye contact? Forget about it.

Actual conversations? Gone.

Asking questions to Suri or Seri or whatever?  Totally.

Our brains are mush because, hey,  if we don't know it, we can just google it.

Does this bother NO ONE ELSE?!?

I don't care about the blogs to the "parent on the cell phone" or the opposing one defending the "parent on the cellphone.".

There are sides to everything and if we feel it, we can find it.

That shot of Obama, being the good for nothing that he is, walking off the plane and throwing out a weak (at best) salute to the military while he is holding a fancy drink. Yea--thats offensive.

Republicans and American lovers didn't like that. Not one bit.

But about one day later, my Liberal friend posted a photo, in defense of the Obama hate, of W holding a dog and showing a less than perfect salute as well.


This is what we do?

This is our world now.

Between photoshop and about 1,890,098, 009 differing opinions, we don't even know what we can believe anymore.

Is that a fact, or an opinion?

I mean, its on the internet....so it has to be credible, right?

As for twitter, Instagram and every social media site out there--don't even get me STARTED on elementary school age kids having, first off, the tools to access that (pads, pods, notebooks etc.) but then tell me they have their own account?.......followers?!?

Its a wonder my head hasn't exploded yet.

A ten year old with a instagram account?

I just want to spank that parent. Seriously.

 But let me guess, all her friends had one. (read that in the most syrupy/whiney voice you can muster)

But we don't want to be the dork parent that that doesn't follow suit. That would be horrible.

So horrible we would have to take a photo of it, make a clever remark, tint the photo to make us look skinny, tag our 7 year old and post that baby as fast as possible.

hastag. no more phone. sad face.


I am so over this stuff. Obviously.

Adults, do what you want. Clearly we can. And it can be fun. Just please don't be the one in front of me in the line at Chipotle that thinks it would be inhuman to NOT scroll all your facebook messages and texts and tweets while you stand there. Cause you just look dumb. Like i really think you are probably dumb. Like, i bet you can't even spell d-u-m-b dumb. Have i made my point? Dumb.

I don't know why it always happens there and why its always around me,(who am i kidding, its everywhere all the time!) but its a a miracle that i have even survived standing in that 78 hour long line while i see all these smart phone dummies just looking at their screens and MISSING actual LIFE!!!!!!

If i snap one day......its gonna be in the Chipotle line. Guaranteed.

Now lets talk about school.

(you didn't think i was done did you? Silly reader.)

I am getting sheet after sheet home in my kids backpack that is telling me about these apps that i can get for the kids school work. Work that has to be done. Apps. (kill me now)

Thankfully, at the bottom in teeny tiny print i found a sentence that read "And if you are lame and don't have anything for an app, then you can go to a website starting with www. and find your kids homework, ya ol stick in the mud."

Seriously, i'm pretty sure i wrote that verbatim.

So now, i feel the gap. The have's and the have not's.

Not only do i not have wifi at home, or any sort of tablet, but i think it would be beyond financially irresponsible (unlike the many coffees i get in a week) for us to pay out that much money so our kids can play mind numbing games, access porn, and read about the Slender man.

Ummm, no thank you.

I will walk my daughter down to the dungeon each night and sign her on the the plug-in-the-wall computer and access her IXl math. (which is a blast, I tell you and it feels nothing like a punishment.)
Because its all i can do.

I know you people (yea, i said "you people" and i mean it) are all proposing your responses and defenses and ready to tell me that i am hurting my kid by keeping them(and us) from this stuff. And how and why your kid is so advanced because of technology. I know.

I know you are confident in your decisions.

And i also know that i am so very hopeful that this computer age comes to an end and people start raking leaves together as a family again.

We are what we claim to disagree with. Oh those kids that can't go without their screens. They have no time management skills.  So entitled. They get whatever they want. Instant access.

I mean, I only have one dork computer and i like facebook as much as the next guy. I get it. But shouldn't we fight it a little harder. Keep our kids from this black hole that is technology?

This isn't only a a kid problem, its a a grown up one.

This is true.

So why won't anyone just put their foot down?

And say no.

No, no. no. Absolutely not. I love you too much to only see the here and now. I care about your future and want the best for you, and following the crowd, drinking the coolaid and walking blindly isn't what is best. We have to protect those little minds and all the information we allow in there. Not every "follower" is worth having. There is a time and a place for technology, yes. But its not every second, of every minute, of every day, always.


Monday, September 22, 2014


I'm just gonna be straight up honest in this post, so who knows where that will lead me or who(...to whom?....to who?......whom?....whatever.... ) i may offend.

These past few weeks of all three kids being in school haven't been the cake walk i had secretly anticipated.

In fact, i would say its been really, really hard.

I don't know my place yet. I'm not sure of my new tasks. And for petes sake, I'm still just me after all. Disorganized, scatterbrained, kind of lazy, food loving, tv watching, Christina.

Which i think is about 3/4 of the problem. I didn't suddenly transform into the neat freak, obsessed, type A mom that i thought i would when they stepped onto that bus.


You know what i do?

I clean a bit, cook a bit, wash laundry a bit, drink coffee a bit, and visit with my friends a.....well, a lot actually.

So i feel like this time that i had anticipated to be so long and relaxing has actually kept me feeling rushed and a bit stressed.

So stressed in fact, that i went to the doctor the other day.

Let me just give you a little insight about how often we go to the doctor around here. For the past year i thought we had health partners........but it turns out, we don't. Well, who knew!

I went to the doctor because i was a bit concerned about this pain in my left calf, i was a tiny bit worried about my ear that is swelling and just wanting blood work to make sure i'm not dying of anything.

Is that so much to ask?

Well, this doctor, who i didn't know, started asking me stuff and i answered--in true Christina fashion--quickly and not wanting to waste his time.

As I'm talking i happen to feel my mocha suddenly kick in, but no bigs, i express my concern slash confusion with why i am actually here.

To which the doctor responds, "I noticed your speech is a bit fast."

(blink.....blink. Are you kidding me!?)

"Yep." I respond. "Just trying not to waste your time."

To which he says, "How'd ya do in school?"

(blink.....blink....insert increased blood pressure now.)

"Fine, i did fine. Fine. And i know what you're getting at here, jerk. ADD? Seriously? Come on. I can read books, i enjoy my quiet time. I focus and process like a champ. Okay? Lets not do this."

To which he says "Its just that if  your speech is that fast, i can only imagine how fast your brain is working, and I'd imagine that its not very easy to slow it down sometimes. Right?

"Mmmhmm. Sure." i say.

And then i add, "Just an FYI, I feel like you are speaking especially slow, on purpose....just to prove your point."

And with that, we tensely smile at each other.

He just continued right along. "Are you having good conversations with your husband?" He asks. (serious, i might add)

At this point i literally laughed out loud and asked him, (with lightning speed) " Are you having good conversations with your wife?"

Touche Christina (......i said to no one.)

Then about 5 minutes later after having to honestly tell him my high school grades (!) and prove i wasn't a nut, he told me that sometimes "home moms"(yep, that's what he called me) spend alot of time thinking about how they are feeling when the kids go off to school and they really just need to find something constructive to do with their time.


I'll tell you what I'm going to do thats constructive, buddy--I'm going to construct an involved plan about how i can take you out in the parking lot after work. Oh yea, that's right, how you like that? And I'll do it all with my lightening fast brain and swollen ear. OKAY?


So that was last week.

And now i don't even know if i am actually feeling things or if its my "home mom" problem.


Even though i laughed about it. I have been thinking about it....

I guess it boils down to responsibility and discipline. And i am just having a heck of a time with that.

The pressure i feel to have the house clean and dinner ready, cause I'm home alone, seems to be overwhelming.

I feel like i am going to crack, like at any second.

I hate dishes. I hate laundry. I don't need to be busy. I don't want to reorganize my drawers or linen closet. Socialization is way more important to me that that junk and its so lonely at home...in the laundry room.

 And yet....that's my job.

When i look back, i feel like i may have been a little bit crazy when i had Junior. Like, angry and spinning crazy.

It was the sleep i tell you. No one ever sleeps!

And yet now, i feel like i am kind of going down that road again.

Me trying to keep up with three kids homework?  Fuhgedaboudit  Its madness. Who's spelling needs to be done when? Did your do your IXL math? "A" says "ahhh". Read for 20 minutes. Wheres that sheet i signed? Do you have lunch money? Snacks? Oh you're the star of the week this week? What was your mothers mothers mom? What is 33 divided by 3? If a train leaves the station at 4 o'clock and its heading North........

Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! This is more than i can do here.

Each night i find myself wondering where is my place in life? What should i do? Is any of it valuable? Am i gonna snap and really go after that doctor?  Maybe.

All i know it i got on the treadmill and walked for 29 minutes today to help my brain.

I don't know if it worked....but i'm gonna keep trying.

You know how people often say non Christians have a "Jesus shaped hole in their heart?"

Well, I feel like i have a "Christina shaped hole" in mine . And i can't figure out how the heck I'm supposed to fill it.

Who am i?

...and why the heck is my left ear swollen, darnit!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


Big day today.

Very big indeed.

After months and months of people asking me, "What are you going to do now?" And wondering, for myself, what am i going to do.

The day is upon me.

All three of my little cherubs are in school.

I didn't anticipate this day very much this Summer.

I choose not to.

I knew that if i let myself even think, for a second, that my baby boy was going to climb up those familiar steps of the bus....

well, i might just die.

Instead i placed my head firmly into the sand. Where is felt so welcomed and familiar.

I like the sand.

Its safe there.

The proverbial sand that is.

Cause real sand.....Ugh.....not a fun place.

The bugs, the things, the .....SAND. Yuck.

I want none of that.

My sand was pretty much a safe place until Sunday morning, when i woke up--at 4:15am.....and it all hit me.

I had just snuck out of Juniors room, after he had a bad dream and needed his Momma, and climbed into my own bed when it hit me.

This is really happening.

So i prayed and i prayed and i prayed and i prayed.  And then i prayed some more.

This is a a big step when you have been a stay at home Mom for 9 years.

As i wander around this afternoon i realize that this is the biggest change i have experienced since i became a mother--9 glorious years ago.

For real.

Its the same thoughts that I had when i first looked into Ruby's eyes.  She's really mine? Forever? 

 I remember being overwhelmed with the awesomeness of being a Mom and thinking that it wasn't going to end, i was actually going to get to see this baby crawl, walk, make friends, and go to school.

She was mine. She was my girl.

And now as i walk around the empty house, folding random things and wishing i had better things on my DVR, i think.

Is this real? This is what its going to be like from now on?

Its like i feel like at any moment someone was going to come in and say "Just kidding!"

This is my new normal, huh?

Its like i have been hidden in a closet working for the past 9 years and now i am outside and in the sunshine for the first time. Its so bright. Its so real. Its actually here.

Its here.

After all the sleepless nights i thought would never end, and the breastfeeding that made you feel about as valuable as an ol' cow, the nights where i rocked, and rocked and rocked some more--desperately wishing for sleep, after all the warmed up veggies that came flying out of those adorable mouths back at me, after all the first steps, the first teeth, first birthdays, and first words, the never ending battle of bedtimes, baths, the fatigue, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking.......

After all of it.

I'm done.


I'm done?

I feel confused in this new sunlight. Afraid of this little freedom.  Unsure of my footing.

I honestly don't know what to do.

I don't want to love it too much.

But like all things, i suppose i'll get used to it.


Today after Junior got onto that school bus, i felt a little like i was suffocating.

What if he cries for me? What if no one is nice to him? What if he needs a hug? What if....what if....what if.

I can honestly say that when that bus door closed, i was in physical pain.

And then i jumped into my van and begun to follow the bus.

Because i can, people! Okay?! Settle down about it.

Jeromy asked me if i was alright? I just looked over at him, forgetting he was even in the car. My babies were on that bus.....and i needed them to know Momma was right here.

I know. I know!!

But its how i felt.

Once they arrived at school, i ran over and snapped their pictures and hugged them and walked them to the door. (like i do every yer)

They seemed okay.

They were excited to see their Dad. (normally he is waiting in the car with a little sibling.) This was the first year he was able to get out too (tear). They ran to him.

Then we walked Junior to his class line. And it all hit home. Seeing my baby boy in line, all strong, and waiting. Was a proud, and heartbreaking, moment for me.

I kissed him 576 times, reminded him to be kind to others and headed back to the car.

My sweet baby.

How did this happen? When did they grow up so fast?

Why was the sun so bright that it caused my eyes to water and my lip to quiver.  Darn sun.

So now here i sit....watching the clock. Waiting.

For my three little chicks to return to their nest so i can finally breath that sigh of relief.

Hold 'em tight, Mommas (and Dads). Because they really do grow up fast......

...too fast.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Emily Thielke

I have this cousin who's prettier, wittier, braver, stronger and funnier than me. Its annoying really. Because darnit anyhow, I wanna to be the cool one.

But if i would step to the side for anyone, it would be for Mrs. Emily Thielke. Because i'm no match for her.

I've been wanting to write about the Lozilu Mud Run, that i did with her and a group of friend back in June, for awhile now.

The only thing is--i didn't know how to word it.

You see, my amazing cousin was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (yes, i had to read an email to figure out how to spell that) about 2 1/2 years ago.  I don't tell you this because she is defined by it--oh no--i only tell you because it is pertinent to my story.

You see, Emily has a caringbridge site, but you know what she does with it? She writes about her sisters baby's health, and her thankfulness for blessings and continued prayers, she updates us on her doctors and other things long before she writes about herself and her own situation. That's the kind of girl she is. Humble to the core--yet, stronger than anyone else. But not just the "she has cancer so she's strong" kind of tough. No, no, no--this girls is s-t-r-o-n-g. Tall Bunyon strong (she likes when i call her that). I'm talking spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally and socially strong. Her faith in Jesus Christ runs deep and she relies not on her own strength but on His. He is her rock, her fortress, and her deliverer.

She's so stinkin' cool. She never, ever, makes a big deal about herself. And yet--she really IS such a big deal.  And i love her so much.

Well, this June i decided to run/walk this mud run with her--cause i'm always up for a party and if it means being with her--well, than i'm definitely IN!

Here we are before the race. Excited!!

Here I am, delicately crossing over a wall in a very lady like manner. Gross.

This is us as we reached the finish line, high fiving the adorably perfect Boone kids!

Here's us dancing. Emily even has some sweet air in this one. Typical Emily. Awesome.

My favorite one. Dance machines. Kevin Bacon ain't got NOTHIN' on us.

You flex because you feel strong when you are covered in mud and have a bandanna on, that's why.

Final photo before we go wash off in the(panic-attack-inducing) lake. 


Yea. Yes. Yippie.  Look at us. We're swimming, because its so natural and easy.....why wouldn't we do it.

I think i'm kissing the ground in this one. Because i was sure i was going to drown out there. Ugh, but if everyone doin' it....you bet I am too. At least i look delicate and petite in this shot. Thank you Lord for LAND!

Now, we run this race because the Lozilu Mud Run sponsors Leukemia.

Only buggar is, if you know me, you know i am a bit of a critic about that kind of thing. I don't usually give donations, i don't give because i don't even believe the people half the time.  I know--it sounds really mean as i re-read it--but i am a (not proud) skeptic, i guess.

I'm always like Oh, yea right. Suuuure that money is going to research. Probably some big business pocketing it and flying their private jet to a tropical location. No thank you.

But this particular sponsor was good. I guess. I mean, Emily told me that --so i believed it. (and she was sooo right!)

So we ran the race. (My first year. Their second)

I found in her group of friends a "place" for the day.  The amount of quick witted jokes and endless funny coming from them gave me wings, people. I was on cloud nine. These were my people. Constant chatter, lots of laughter and a bunch of "that's what she said" for good measure.

So for me, just being with Emily was a joy.

You really couldn't not love her if you met her. Its sickening. You hear that miss Perfect--you're sickening!!

My only saving grace is that we share a bit of genetics.....so, that helps me sleep at night, because maybe some day....she'll wear off on me :)

After the race--which was AMAZINGLY FUN--we went to the little booth where you buy shirts. Which is something i would never-ever-do. But Emily was going to do it, and her friends were--so i guess i was. I blame the endorphins. And the fact that i just thought i was going to drown in my 4 minute swim in the lake. Seriously.

We got our shirt sizes figured out--i opted for a moo moo, but they didn't have one--and then at the end of the transaction, the woman asked Emily if she wanted to donate to this L.I.F.E organization. (which gives 100% of its profits to young cancer patients who are in financial need.)

Dooooe-naaaattttee, i heard her say over and over in my head in slow motion.

I automatically froze, always hating this question.

But do you know what Emily did?

(of course you do. She's so much better than me)

She said, Absolutely!!

And then she went on to tell the volunteers how much this organization meant to her and how they truly helped her financially in her first year after the diagnosis. They were so willing and supportive and giving.

To which her awesome friend (as if on cue) took out a 50 dollar bill and threw it down and said she wanted to give to donate as well.

Emily was so touched and gracious and thankful..

She talked about how cool this L.I.F.E organization is. How they give 100% of their proceeds to people with cancer. How it really helped her out in a very difficult time.

The volunteer nodded and really seemed to understood how much this meant to Emily.

And then she asked, "Are you a survivor?"

(Emily has chronic Leukemia--which means its ongoing and has YET to have a cure.)

It was silent as we stood there.

A deafening silence.

Why was my heartbeat exploding in my ear? The wind seemed to fall still as we stood there.

Behind Emily, I waited....

 ".....survivING." she responded, as only Emily could.

The air seemed to disappear from my lungs. Would her wonders never cease. 

The woman nodded, slowly, and wiped a tear from behind her glasses.

It was a powerful silence. One that weighed about as heavy as a ton of bricks on me.

Emily smiled and said something sweet (as usual) and the topic moved in a different direction.

But i stood there frozen. Broken by my cousins fight. Powerless to her pain. In awe of her never ending strength.

Its a moment that i will never forget.

The sisterhood of woman standing together, some fighting, some surviving, some supporting. All because we love someone and want to fight this thing.

I've never felt that before.

But you can bet that when they asked if i wanted to donate......i was never so happy to say "YES!"

That was June.

And a few days ago, we heard some news that is thrilling (beyond finding an actual cure). After 21/2 years of chemotherapy she has FINALLY reached "complete molecular remission (response)"  This is such amazingly big news, you have no idea. It doesn't mean she is cured, but it means that it's working.

 Its finally working.

And my heart is so full.

Emily is going to participate in a walk on September 28th to raise awareness for this disease and to help fund the research.

 Here's what she wrote...

  "Each year The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) put on a 'Light The Night Walk' fundraising campaign to raise awareness to the cancer as well as raise money for research. Research that clearly is making a difference in my life. We're counting on events and organizations like this one to hopefully one day find a cure.  
The walk takes place at Target field on Sunday, September 28th at 4pm. It's a leisurely walk, approximately 2 miles inside and around the stadium, where walkers will carry illuminating lanterns to "light the night" in honor of those lost to the cancer, cancer survivors, and to bring together families and communities who have been affected by the disease. The purpose is to shine a light on the importance of finding cures and providing access to treatments for blood cancer. Each participant is asked to raise a minimum of $100 each and will receive a t-shirt and a wristband for free food (free rides on the Light Rail and Northstar train as well). My personal goal is $1,000 (yikes) and our team goal $2,500. We would love if you could join us! Bring the kids! My little squirrely's will be there too!"
I've decided that my family is going to walk with Emily on that Sunday (and hold hands....but i haven't told her about that part yet) We want to stand beside her in her fight. Because there's no one better.

If you want to support the greatest person i know--support Emily. Please.



Sunday, August 3, 2014


I woke up today, like most weekends, and decided to slip out the door before anyone else woke up.  Well, before the teenagers sleeping downstairs and the old guy in my bed woke up. The little kids, of course, were already up.

I threw on some makeup and headed out the door. Anxious to get into the van alone. It is where my brain works the best. In the car, going down the road, alone.

I opted not to play my new birthday CD at max volume but instead turned on KTIS and prayed as i drove North.

My favorite drive.

Heading to Cambridge without a defined agenda..

And as my brain prayed and wondered and questioned life, i found myself pleading, like usual, for God to just lead me. To fix me, to shape me, and to mold me.

To help me be better. In all things.

And as i drove to Cambridge, the response seemed silent. My mind a bit foggy.

I got to Walmart and returned a life jacket and slowly walked around, not exactly sure of what i needed, but enjoying this pressure free moment.

As i got back into my van, i ran to Caribou--got a coffee, and headed to the coop.

I sat in the parking lot of the coop and sipped my drink and made a list of what i needed.  I grabbed my reusable bag (which is an accomplishment in itself) and headed straight into the sliding door which didn't open...because they were closed.

I quickly looked around and realized the parking lot was empty.

So i got back into my car and headed home.

I took the slow way, the way that takes me through town. And i thought as i drove.

Wondering what i was doing in life. What was i making a difference for.

And as i drove around the big beautiful stone church a song came on the radio that started off with the words "Empty hands held high...." And i know this song. And heck, i don't really even like it, but today....i thought about that visual.

The visual that us, as Christians, see all the time. We hear about this, we know this. Hands held up in worship, praise to God. Lacking in nothing, filled with everything.

And then i began to think about how that is a sight so many of us enjoy. To see the person who may have nothing in life, but has everything in Jesus. Smiling. Thankful. And full.

I think its safe to say that we all like that kind of person. A person who always has a kind word on their lips, who's patience is abounding, a constant smile to match the sparkle in their eyes, a genuine sweetness and concern for others with--no selfish motives. Who lives out their faith.

This person. We might all know of someone like that. Maybe. Hopefully.

Not only is that a rare thing to find--love expressing itself in the purest of forms. But it can feel impossible sometimes.

So why can't we be that?

Why is is to hard to do what we all know is right. To show unconditional love. To turn the other cheek. To listen first and to speak second. To love, love and then love some more.

I thought about the person that i wish i was and then considered the reality of who really am.

Too many words. Too much anger. Inability to hold my tongue. Resentful. The love that i give, exclusively.

And darnit if its not frustrating. To be at the bottom looking up. The hill seems too steep, too difficult to climb. Its easier to just make due at the bottom. If you don't try, you don't fail. And that battle, that constant uphill battle just wears me out. I feel like i am at the bottom of every hill in life. And that can be defeating.

But if we don't take one step.....then what?

What keeps me from being that person that i want to be?

The flesh. My own sin.

I know this.

I know that we can conquer anything and accomplish everything through the utter reliance and total faith in Jesus Christ.

And i have that. I do.

But sometimes i can feel jaded because i realized that everyone, in this life, gives freely of what they want to share. Trusts Gods with much. Teaches in areas that they excel. People teach us and give commands and yet their life is in utter chaos behind closed doors. For everyone that teaches and is pure and loving in what they teach--i have found about 10 that aren't. And that is disappointing. And what the world sees when they look at us "Christians." They see a mess attached to a finger pointing at them in judgment.

And i hate that.

But if ya look deep down, everyone is holding tightly to something. Controlling some area of their life that they won't give up. They just don't tell you about it.

Like a person who isn't anxious or fearful, they may have all the advice in the world on how to let that fear go or how to just "give it to God".

And that is great. Those people seem to have things together. They are anxious to teach others how to accomplish this.....

...and yet, those peoples personalities aren't naturally fearful, so for them to say they "overcame it" or "gave it up to God" really isn't true.

Because it was never something they held tightly to in the first place.

If you look deeper, they have white knuckles on an issue that maybe the fearful person doesn't.

Does this make sense?

I just think about each and every persons genetic make up, their predisposition towards a trait. And think about how we are all so different and all overcoming different obstacles.

And as i drove today, i say a mother sitting in the shade of a tree next to the trailer park. She was on the phone, and her little child, was standing beside her, playing with her hair.

And i just felt sad.

I wondered if that mother knew the gift that she had been given when God gave her that child?

How special, and wonderful and very vulnerable children are. How they look to us to teach and love and protect them.

Do we remember that when we look at our own children? When we are at home, exasperated, and repeating ourselves for the 739th time?

I know i don't. Or at least i haven't lately.

Do we consciously think that our job, as parents, is to shape these little tiny humans? And to do it just right so we don't exacerbate something in them that triggers their natural tendency towards fear, or control, or disbelief?

Or are we speaking softly to them, raising them according to their individual bent, soothing their fears and teaching them the power of Gods love and his constant protection and oneness with us?

Do we do damage, or are we raising up the faithful?  Who's hands are held high--as they cry out to Jesus and rely whole heartedly on Him to provide for all their needs. To give, as only He can.

My trip to Cambridge, as usual, provided much to think about.

I feel like today God reminded me to try to see others like He does. To speak sweetly and softly, with a heart of patience and love.

To be a coach to my kids....not the warden.

To look up from that pit, although i feel tired and broken down, and to rely not on my own strength to take that difficult first step.....but on His.

Monday, July 28, 2014


Well, today is my 33rd birthday.

Although, at this point, i am already feeling tired from all my celebrating this weekend, or as my Mom put it, "How long is this BIRTHDAY gonna last!?"

I have managed to have a beautiful birthday weekend.

And today is about the future.

As always, when my birthday approaches, i start thinking about the year that i've had and the new year that is upon me.

I try to put words to feelings, to goals, to mistakes, to choices, to plans.

And then i press on into the new year with a plan.

I greatly look forward to this each and every year and this year is no less.

If i had to sum up the year of 32, i would say the things that stick out in my mind most is the sad reality that my "fat lesbian pants" are officially now just  "my pants."

So that's something that i am anxious to be rid of.

Also, i would say 32 was the year of TERRIBLE softball. I had the worst year, of my life, last year on the field.  It was so depressing and frustrating.

But i am thankful to report that, after a few chiropractic visits and proper alignment (he'll want me to say that. Although i am sure it was just all me), i feel like i am back in the saddle and loving the game anew.

So as i look at the year 32 in my rear view mirror and head in to 33, i feel happy.

This is going to be a super year. I just know it.

Alright, here are my goals that i have set.

1.) I will do a pull up within the year.  I have faithfully been practicing on the swing set every day. Its impossibly hard and embarrassing and frustrating and hard, like really hard. So very hard. Did i mention its hard? Case it hard. So hard.
When i first decided i was going to do this, i was watching American Ninja Warrior, obviously--and it hit me. If i can do a pull up in life, i can probably do anything. Soooo, there ya go.  The first day that i went out, with Jeromy and the kids, to try to do this--it was so unbelievably difficult and i hung there like a weirdo, not even knowing which muscles should fire as i held my breath and kicked my legs to no avail.. Which lead to frustration, which lead to my kicking a day lilly, which lead to my foot getting caught in an (unseen) tomato cage while trying to kick said day lily, which lead to the tomato cage ripping across my other leg, which lead to blood..  So basically i lost twice that day. But not for long.

2.) I am going to practice the art of discipline. Apparently its a thing. And i plan to tap into it.

3.) I think i'm going to do a triathlon with my cousin.  Which has seriously been my life long dream--after the pullup, of course--since as long as i can remember. Only problem is i swim about as good as a rock and paddle about as confidently as a cat. Soooo, if ya wanna picture that.....go ahead.

Buuuut, since i'm going to practice discipline, i can do this. No bigs.  Triathlon. Check.

4.)Lastly i wanted a nose ring. Because i still want to look feminine but also like maybe i can beat you up at the same time. You just don't know. You don't know.  Check.

So for my birthday weekend, i had so much fun with my family & friends who made it special.

And i want to publicly thank them.

Thank you Angela Sizer, my wonderful friend, for coffee and a treat at Caribou to kick start the weekend. Time with you is always perfection and much needed. Thank you for always having cool stuff to say--our relationship is full of excitement and really interesting conversations!
And i seriously couldn't love that more.

 Thank you Josh and Angie for Friday night. For the shirt, and the milk carrier---I LOVE IT ALL!!!

Oh yea--and a special THANKS to my trusting friend Angie--who lets me bully her incessantly. Its one of the things i love most about you. ;)  Just don't tell your Mom!  We have a "blood in blood out" kinda friendship. And i love it. And i love you.

Here's a few photos from the weekend.

Our impromptu piercing night.
That moment she stabbed my nose was sheer exhilaration!! And I loved it. (in a normal kinda way...)

This picture is about .05 seconds after i got pierced. As you can tell, i'm really happy!

Us with our brand spankin' new piercing.
(Which, we found out, you can hardly even see in photos. Lol.)

(Also, Thank you Tiphany for being honest and encouraging and descriptive as you helped me prepare to get this done. You rule! I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you!)

Also, thank you my dear Sarah--for going out to Hell's Kitchen for Breakfast with me on Saturday and continuing the party. As always, i had a blast with you :) Here's an "armie" for ya. (selfie with an arm in it)

I wanna thank my introverted brother who, even though you don't always want to, goes along with me to celebrate day after day and makes my birthdays so special! :) Thanks, Sog.

Thanks to my #1 Momma (and Dad) for doing and doing and doing--to make everyone happy at all times. You are too good to us--its why we kinda suck. We're spoiled! :)  Life is good...because of you.

And of course, thanks to my hubby for always allowing me to come and go as i please. That's the best gift of all! 

I am grateful today, for so many things, but mostly-- the people!!


Now, if you'll excuse me....i've got a date with a swingset.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

to love or judge--that is the question.

A couple weeks back, our computer went ca put. And being we are from 1983 we only have one computer in our home that plugs into the wall, no wifi, and cell phones that only text.  So, what i'm sayin' is i had a lot of spare time to read. Which i LOVE more than anything.

I guess when i say "spare time" i actually mean i just neglected every other duty in my world to finish up three books.  I would say, totally worth it--Jeromy, not so much! Lol.

As i have wondered and thought, because--turns out I have to scrub my floors, make dinner and get the laundry done today, two books have been lingering in my mind.

I read books from all over the board. As long as they are true stories, i generally am interested.....or obsessed, with finishing them.

I read Elizabeth Smarts book. (the Mormon girl who was kidnapped for 9 months and then found) and a book called The Hiding Place, about a Dutch family who helped hide the Jews while Holland was occupied.

Now i find myself hanging in the balance, wondering what to think, when i consider these books.

After reading Elizabeth Smarts book i was determined to remind my kids never to be too compliant, to anything.  Never to just obey mindlessly. If you are ever taken, you fight. You fight. And then you fight some more. No matter what lies you are told or how afraid you feel.

I have assumed the position that everyone, everywhere, at all times is scheming to take a child, and i am personally going to be the one to combat all evil by never, ever even looking to anyone in need. Ever.

You're on the street begging for money? Yea-- probably so you can kidnap a child and make her your wife because you are all sorts of crazy. I know your type.

I fought my natural urge to help someone who looked like they were in need--because behind all that "helplessness" lays poison.  I mean, Ted Bundy preyed on the kindness of woman, took advantage of their concern for others in need. He was intelligent enough to think through his plans and then put them into action.

And that sickens me. And makes me, honestly, turn a blind eye to all those in need.  I feel myself saying "Hey, we're all fighting through life here. I'm not helpin' you....carry your own bags."

I'm just speaking my own ugly truth here. I'm not saying its right (obviously). But if i kept my kids from danger by hurting someone else?? I'd do it a hundred times over.

Fast forward to the book i just finished two days ago, and you'll find me on the complete other side.  Not keeping the ugliness of the world and its people at arms length, but wanting to love with open arms. Because we are all Gods creation and no one person is better than the other in His eyes.


I just think that is a hard reality to accept.

And i may be one short flew from the cuckoos nest here.

The Hiding Place was a book about the Jews, but from a different perspective of that war. One i hadn't read until now.  I have read book after book about the Holocaust and felt like there was no love to be found, anywhere, during that time.  It was every man for himself. And it was heartbreaking. I just couldn't understand how people could turn a blind eye to these people. This group that was being exterminated, for what?  It still infuriates me.

But this book was different, this book was filled with love. Love and miracles. This family, who loved God and trusted in His will and His timing--to the core, was unlike any family i had ever read about.
The book is sure to inspire you and its such a remarkable story of Gods unfailing love and the strength He provides to us as humans.  It reminded me again how physically powerful we were created and the enormous amount of pressure that we are capable of withstanding, but even more, how amazing God is and how without Him, what hope do we have?

So after reading those two books i find myself going through, what i like to call, "The Elizabeth Smart/Hiding place effect".

For example the other day i was taking my girls to school and i saw a man mowing the schools lawn. Aww, that's a nice job to have. He probably needs love. Then i realized he was just smiling....at nothing. Just riding and smiling. And i was immediately like "hey, lets take that smile down a few notches, buddy. Ain't no one got time for that kind of happy. That is, unless they are planning to snatch little children, which--judging by your smile--you are."

Ya see?  I'm in a weird place. Unsure of what to even think. I fight my natural tendency to fear all things. And yet, i also rely on that fear for protection.

Maybe i'm the weirdo.

I am a real, idealist. I believe that, through Christ, all thinks can be good. They can be ideal. I really believe that we can get there. But i also believe that really bad people do exist and I'm going to do everything in my power to find them and beat them.....err, i mean avoid them.

Does anyone else's brains work like this?

Please tell me other people see these things and ponder on them.

I mean, you do think--don't you? Beyond whats for breakfast and your "to do" lists for the day.

I don't know.....i guess i am just thinking out loud.

Trying, as usual, to find the medium in my life and trying--desperately--to listen, trust and rely on God. In all things.

But darn it if our human flesh doesn't just get in the way.

Sometimes i get so wrapped up in the bad of the world, and my fears and all this evil, that i take it on my own weak, weak shoulders and forget to give it to the man with the biggest of shoulders.

To just trust God with my fears.

It sounds so very easy.....

And yet, here i sit, dealing with my "Elizabeth Smart/Hiding Place effect", wondering who deserves love and who doesn't....

And that answer is simple: Just keep an eye out for anyone who smiles too much or looks as if they haven't showered in days because they live in a make shift tent that they built in the mountains because they are insane in the membrane and think its okay to kidnap 14 year old girls because they want yet another wife who they will keep against her will. But be really, really careful not to confuse that person with the one who looks that way because they have actually been in a concentration camp, where they were beaten, humiliated, starved and made to live as animals. Who is alone because they watched as their family slowly died, one by one, each a horribly tragic death-because Hitler was the spawn of satan-and now they have no place left in this world to go, because, by the grace of God......They're finally free.  And desperately in need of love.

Judge accordingly.

Monday, May 19, 2014

No school.

I'm going to try to make this quick, since i have been informed that sometimes my blogs can get.....long. :)

A week ago i handed in my permission slip for Ruby to go on her class field trip to the Como Planetarium and i also submitted my volunteer slip.

Ruby informed me that if too many parents volunteer that they would have to draw from a hat and i might not get picked.

No bigs.

I did the math and knew my odds couldn't be less than 50%. It was likely i'd get picked.

Fast forward 5 days. I knew it was "drawing day" and before Ruby left for school i informed her of my NEED to get picked. I told her maybe she could tell her teacher that too....wink wink.

She came home and i was all, "Sooo? Soooo? Am i going with you!?"  And she wouldn't tell me so i had to wait.

At dinner i asked her again, smiling, confident i was picked, and she said "why don't ya go change your clothes?" Which is code for she put it on my bed.

I cheerfully ran to my room, hooting and hollering, only to find the slip of paper that informed me that the names were put into a hat and then selected, but alas, mine had NOT been drawn.


I instantly went into silent panic mode.  I didn't know HOW the heck i would be able to let my child go on a field trip far, far away to a distant land, without me.

I put it out of my mind. Telling Ruby it was no biggie anyways.

But come Friday, i though i should maybe email the teacher just telling her of my apprehension and ask, beg, plead to get a spot on that trip.

But i didn't.

I don't know why.

I think maybe because i already knew she wasn't going.

I just couldn't do it.

I thought about it all weekend.

Finally on Sunday i just told Jeromy that, " I can't do this. There no way i can send her away with out me."

Like the wonderful guy he is--he agreed.

As i woke up today, i still wasn't sure what i would do. I knew what i should do. I know what is the rational thing to do. The normal thing to do.

But honestly, there was nothing in my body that was saying "let her go."

Even when her and Junior got into an all out brawl and i was totally ticked at her, i still couldn't send her.

I tried to threaten it. I did say "Get your clothes on and get ready for school."

But at this point she assumed she was going anyways....so that didn't make any sense.

Finally i sat her on my bed and just looked her in the eyes and asked her if she wanted to go.  I tried to tell her she would have a good experience and that her friends would love it and it would likely be awesome.

But then i said, ".....or you can just stay home with me?"


She choose home. And i never looked back.

I even knew my decision was wrong. I knew about 98% of parents wouldn't agree. But i also knew that my heart was 100% made up.

And if i let her stay....well, then Laney had to stay too.

The deal was done.

I could live to breath another day with my kids under my wing.

(i can actually hear you guys shaking your heads right now.....i KNOW. But i don't care. )

Well, we headed to Hans Bakery to meet our friends and all was good.

We stayed for a short time with our friends and headed out to meet Uncle at the book store.

Never once did i waiver from my decision.

It is just school after all.

And its only one day. Plus---it was raining.

And Ruby was supposed to eat lunch at a park after the planetarium thing. And the thought of my baby girl just sitting all out in the open in the world, that is actually what sealed the deal for me. Her in a PARK? Just all out there eating? Ummmm, NO way! Not happening.

On our way back up from the book store, i said "lets see a show!" And then I called my Mom to get the times for a show i wanted the kids to see.

The timing was perfect.

Million Dollar Arm was playing in 15 minutes and i was on my way. And my Mom decided to meet us there as well.


School, schmool--i wasn't even thinking about it and my complete irrational (or very, very rational) fear that i am likely going to have to deal with at some point.

 But not today.

We got in the theatre and i watched a movie about baseball.

It was perfect.

I wanted my kids to breath this movie in. I wanted them to love it as much as i did.

They kind of did.


But as i walked out of that show, a true story, about two boys from India who worked so hard and left their life to try to play baseball in America. It was so stinking inspiring and heart wrenching and beautiful. (don't worry, i won't tell you any more than that)

I loved it.

I recommend it.

As I thought about these boys who left India, their families, the safety of what they knew, to pursue this thing., this American Baseball, i couldn't help but think about the fact that i kept my girl from a field trip.

I had a mix of emotions that flowed from the thought of my kids chasing their dreams, loving something so much that they were willing to work hard for it and persevere towards it. And then the reality of the fact that i had them with me because i was scared of a field trip.

I didn't waiver about my decision.....I was only aware of it, people. The irony was not lost on me.

Either way, as we walked out-- i was happy. I had my kids. We were with Grandma. We watched a movie. We got a book. The day was perfect.

I called Jeromy as i drove home and he asked me how the day was. I told him. And then he asked me if i got the calls from the school.

Yes. The one about them being absent? Yea, i got it.

What about the other one? He asked.

Uhhh, nu-uh? What one is that? 

He proceeded to tell me that he got a second call saying that the entire St. Francis school district was in lock down.


.....................(blink, blink).............................


"Uhhhhhh, come again?"

Ya, the entire district went on "lock down" (a lesser version of it. no one in or out) because of something that happened in St. Francis city.



(increase heart beat)...........................

..................................................(difficulty swallowing)....................


..........................(Sudden urge to throw up)...................................

......................."SEE!!!! I TOLD you i wasn't crazy for keeping them home!!"

You see, you guys, i would have gone completely, 100% John Rambo on the school, had i known Ruby was about to return and Laney was in the school during this time.

Like, i'm talking red sash around my head and everything crazy! I would have had to get them home. Do you guys even KNOW that feeling? That fear that we constantly have to face now because a handful of idiots have gone into schools and hurt kids!!! We have to be afraid now, because of them. And i hate that. In the deepest part of my being. I hate it. And them, for doing this to us.

I fought the fear rising up in me as i drove closer to my house. My brain was on overload. I was like, making plans to own a bomb shelter and never have my kids more than a 5 foot radius apart from me. I was on the verge of going full blown cuckoo thinking that  maybe someone was on the loose.

 But then i pulled my boot straps up, I got home. Brought the dog inside and did a straight up sweep of the house. I'm talking total SVU style. I was calling out, "Clear.....Clear....." as i checked every room. It made me feel powerful. The kids got it too. They know the drill from school. Sadly.

So, long story long, i kept my kids home today. I just felt like i should.  And unfortunately this crazy lock down situation has like totally exacerbated my total neurosis.

But i'll address that another day.

As for today, the kids stay with me.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

I am...i said.

Everyone knows the term "Margaritaville".  Although i am not sure if i have ever been.....i would have welcomed the invitation last night.  But instead, i was in MIGRAINEville.  Equally as difficult to wake up from, but much less fun the night before.

Ugh. You see, i got a killer migraine last night as i watched teeball.  I was talking to Sarah when i looked down and it appeared as if my hands were not my own.  A tell tale sigh of what is to come.

No WAY!! i thought as i panicked and started to feel a bit of nausea rising in my throat.  I shook my hands, as if to somehow tell my brain i had misread the signs.

But alas, no more than 4 minutes later, the lights went out.

I lost my vision on my lower left side--not to be confused with the upper east side--which is a much cooler thing.

Thankfully we only had a few minutes left of the game.

I signaled Jeromy of the impeding doom and whispered "i can't see." Which, the poor guy, has learned to understand as "i'm dead to the world for about 30 minutes until i can see again, so will you take over?!"

We got the kids in the van and i sat in the passenger seat. (not my style, i like to control the wheel) and i just shut my eyes, as i still watched the squiggly lines dance across my eyes lids.  Ugh. Its the WORST.

As i sat there, silently writhing in pain, i hear my new mix CD play and felt an indescribable comfort wash over me as i heard Neil Diamond's beautiful voice flow from the speakers.

"LA's fine but it ain't home. New Yorks home but it ain't mine.....no moooooore." I whispered along with him. Finding strength to go on as i felt verbally cradled in Neil Diamonds arms.

Whatever. Its weird. But i kind of obsessively love him. And that's how i felt. Plus, i'm half blind here, people, be a little nicer!!

"I am...I said......to no one there. And no ONE e-VEN heard NOT eventhechair...."

When we got home, I climbed into the tub--hoping to silently drown...err, i mean, to rest.
For some odd reason, after i got out of the tun,  i felt the need to make puppy chow in my blind stuper. (odd reason? As IF.)

The kids were in bed, Jeromy went to bed and i lay on the couch. Starting to lose my darn vision AGAIN! But insisting to myself that maybe the puppy chow would help?! Right.

I turned off the tv. Cause who can enjoy it when you can't even SEE the darn thing. Plus, i was watching The Blacklist, something that takes 100% of my undivided attention.

I lay in the dark. Watching the squiggly lines. Feeling like an alien in my stinkin body.  Like, i can't explain it--but i just felt odd. Like i was there, but not really.  Again, it would have been a better feeling had i discovered it through Margaritaville, yes?

I fell asleep for a moment and awoke the the familiar burning sensation in my left hand mixed with a painful numbness. This headache wasn't getting better and i was just going to have to suffer through it.

I decided to climb into bed.  I opened the window at the bottom of my bed and stared at the moonlit night.  The wind howled as i thought, Is this is? Maybe this is the end. Crap. I'm dying. Figures.

I didn't sleep much last night as i lay in bed, feeling the crushing pain in my head along with the annoying numbness that just comes and goes.

So this morning, when i woke up. I felt like i was in a scene from a movie where the main character partied a little to hard the night before. 

I'm not kidding. My hair follicles actually hurt this morning. My hair is a mess, my eye liner lingered from poor facewashing--you know, since putting my head even close to lower than my heart makes me think it will explode! and i stumbled out of bed in a bit of a Migraine stuper. Junior gave me a kiss and told me he prayed for me last night. His kind words felt like a YELL. And the gentle kiss felt aggressive. Like maybe the act of his lips touching my cheek actually caused my brain to go crashing into my skull.


As i walked around like a drunky, and wondered why this headache hadn't even subsided one iota. I thought again, how lame my body is.

Sometimes i actually have this conversation with my self. "We're a teeeeeam, head. Why do you keep fighting me? What is your problem, man? We can be so much better. We could be invincible together you and me! We're stronger when we work as one. Why the H. E. double hockey sticks, do you HATE me so??

Like the complete psycho that is MY HEAD.....it doesn't even bother to EVER respond to my questions.

Typical brain.


I got the kids on the bus. Got Junior in the van and put on the biggest and darkest pair of sunglasses i could find. Although i needed to turn my headlights on--due to the fog--it was still a really bright fog.

I walked into preschool, noticing that my face never seemed to match my attempts at smiling.

As i sit here, i am just annoyed at my stupid self. Like, this has been 32 years in the running, Head. What the heck!!

At any moment in life that may cause any excitement or thrill for me--Boom---shut it down. 

Oh, you are excited for your OWN bachelorette party. Going down town with all your friends?  Shut it down.

You're playing your tournament softball game for the 27 year in a row and are having a blast?? Shut it down. Lights out.

Going to Milwaukee with your brother to help with a big pressure wedding and its your first time being away from your kids overnight in like 6 years?? What that? You're happy?  Shut. it. down. Repeatedly.

My body just keeps doing this. And i am so mad about it.

I'm like a fainting goat, for Pete's sake. Don't anybody dare clap near me---or i'll likely just fall to the ground in a heap of fur and goat hooves.

Like a total winner.

Its like i my controlling head doesn't want me to be happy or to anxiously anticipating anything. I'm only allowed to live in east bethel. Drive on hwy 65 and shop at Target. That is all. Any deviation from that pattern?  Shut her down.

Also, don't add any stress to this girls life.  Problems with the ex? Lights out. Stress about anything? Goodnight. Fight with a friend over a blog on facebook?  Cue the numbness....

Speaking of Jake Morrow.(see how i did that?) I want to quickly have a conversation about that last blog (insert wince). All is perfectly well between him and I. Jake is very much a quality human being and i would pretty much trust him with my life. Soooo, just wanted to get that out there :) Lets say i overreacted. And he responded like a true gentleman. My friend. Jake.

But back to my Mary Kate Olsen-like appearance. Fine!! Mary Kate plus about 100 pounds.

I've got my huge black glasses on, disheveled hair, a coffee in hand and my over sized sweatshirt on, walking out of Panera. ( i lied. It was a perfectly fitting sweatshirt. Cause nothing is too oversized for me.OKAY? Why don't ya just kick when i'm down, already. Geez.)

I got into my car. Head pounding.  Frustrating mounting as Panera, of COURSE, didn't have what i wanted,
and i put on my mix CD (that i made. To: Me. Love: Me.) and i gently whispered along with Johnny Cash as his beautiful voice --steady like a train and sharp like a knife--lamented on about that torturous Ring of Fire.

"the taste.....of love is sweet. When hearts......like ours meet......"

So now that i am home with out any kids for three hours, you know what me and my bully of a brain are going to do??

Umm, only what every other respectable human being would do....

I'm gonna draw the curtains, watch Moulin Rouge and fold clothes.

And its gonna be GLORIOUS.....

So if you see me in the street today, please just whisper. 'Cause I went to Migraineville yesterday.....and I'm not yet recovered.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

To my critic.

I wrote a blog the other day. And it clearly didn't sit well with someone.

I'm not sure who. Because they only posted anonymously to me.

Which makes it a tiny bit hard to straighten out--you know, since it was anonymous and all.

Donthcha think?

I am just going to do a bit of clarifying here.

I want to clarify to you, all my friends, what my blog is.  My blog is just about my feelings. What i am thinking.  What i want to express at the very moment. Sometimes i use it to process, for myself. Sometimes i write to laugh. To understand. And to lighten up.

My last post--about the Jews--was not intended to offend anyone.

But like everything, someone managed to find offense.

And that somebody choose to leave an anonymous comment on my blog.  Although they later deleted it. The email still came to me with their words.  Their critiques of my writings and their defense of their mother, who was clearly a working mom.

And i have a few things to say about that comment.

I'll use the example of the sandbur. We have lots of these in East Bethel and deal with them all Summer.

And ain't nobody like the sandburs.

You know how when you grab a ball and a sandbur is on that ball, it pricks your finger and it hurts, right?

But then you pull it out and go about your business as usual. 'Cause its not the end of the world to get a sandbur in your finger.

And then later that night, you go to make dinner and you grab a knife and you notice your finger--it still hurts.

But you can't really do anything about it, cause you already pulled out the sandbur.

So you continue on.

And then that next day, you go to write a note to your kids teacher and you find that when you pick up a pencil--it hurts again.  Your finger tip is sore.

But you forget about it, because you can do nothing about it, the damage was done. You can't undo the sandbur prick.

Even after the actual source of your pain is removed.......the hurt can linger.

So, lets just say that my little critic was a sandbur---a prick, if you will.

And their words probably came to them quickly as they made the conscious effort to write on my blog.  It wasn't a big deal to them, i assume.

But the affects of their words, although deleted, lingered.

And i really would love to talk about that, to explain my words to them and to hear what they thought but unfortunately, a conversation will never be held since they posted it anonymously.

Fortunately, though, I do think i know who this person is.

I write my blog today, as always, with only my opinions in it.  Never have i had hard facts about much of what i've said.

You know, I absolutely love a good book, I like to talk through every twist and turn. I like to look deeper, find the true message they are trying to send. I enjoy how a movie can transport you to a different place and time. I think music has meaning and paints beautiful pictures. I appreciate art and every aspect of it all. Their talent is not lost on me. Not one bit. And I  long, with all of my heart, to hold a candle stick to anything good. I would give anything to create something beautiful. Something that touches others. Something that brings them joy. Transports them. Makes them think. Makes them smile. Even laugh. To evoke emotion. But you know what? Even though i can't compete with so many other people, even though i am not a scholar--i am still going to write. Because i am okay with not being the best. It doesn't bother me. I'm okay with just being.... okay. Some posts work, and some don't. I know that. You don't have to tell me. Because i already know and i am just okay with that.

Because it is fun, it fills my soul, it puts words to my feelings.  It makes me happy.

My blog about the little Jewish boy who longed for his mothers touch-- broke my heart.  And i wanted to remind myself--and any one of the 6 people that read this--the value of being a Mom.

I didn't say a "stay-at-home mom" and i didn't say a "working mom".  'Cause we are all one in the same.

That post was never an attack on the working woman.

For heavens sake, I am so totally over this stay-at-home vs. working Mom thing!!!

I have so many beautiful friends who are working moms and who are amazing. And i know so many awesome stay at home moms that do a great job.  Any shortcoming of a Mother is in their own behavior or personality. Not their job title.  You can be a crappy stay at home mom or a crappy working mom. That all on you. So this invisible war--i am no part of.  I've made my mistake by stating my big opinions on the issue long ago and i hurt someone i cared about. And then i learned from my mistake. I don't know why we can't just ban together, as women. This crazy divide about who's insulting whom or who works harder than the other. I'm not in it. I won't be.We shouldn't do it to each other.

I speak passionately about two things. My love for my kids. And the power of Jesus Christ.  I'll always go down fighting for these two things. But please don't misunderstand that when i speak of loving my kids and giving them my heart, i'm not speaking only as a stay-at-home mother.

My blog was about MOTHERS. Every kind. Whether you get 19 hours with your kids a day or 30 minutes. The point was, MAKE THOSE MOMENTS COUNT!!

So to my anonymous critic, who felt the need to assure me of their mothers love and affection then and now (all while she climbed the corporate ladder). Good for you. I'm glad she loved you. No one ever implied she didn't.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that blog wasn't about you.

But my guess is that maybe you think lots of things in life are about you? So instead of seeing the heartbreaking point of a child being torn from his mother and longing for her tender touch, you chose to defend an invisible attack.

And not only defend it, but you chose to insult me in the process.  I typed a word wrong. It was spelled incorrectly and you, in all of your splendor, would never do such a dunce-like thing. My spelling offended you. It must have, since you thought it would be better to point out my stupidity than to overlook it. I mean, I understand, i too, was concerned about my lack of word finding skills and the sudden difficulty that i had spelling--so i had an MRI done last year. Its something that i worry about on my own. But thank you for pointing that out to me.

And like that prick i talked about earlier.  That is the part of your comment that still stings just a tiny bit.

Because, you see, i have never claimed to know it all. In fact, if you know me, you know i can't seem to get anything right. And it really sucks. But i am aware of it.

Your poisonous little prick really has had a lasting affect. Whether you intended it to or not.

I find such frustration and weakness in the voice of the Internet. The satisfaction people get in saying hurtful things and then hitting "send" and letting cyberspace do the rest of the dirty work. Never do we take ownership for our words anymore. We don't even sign our names, for petes sake.  These bullish people who feel the need to respond to everything out there and yet never stay long enough, or are brave enough, to say things to each others faces?  They lack empathy. We face a world void of empathy because we never get to truly see how our words can make other people feel.  We don't see the pain, or the momentary wince, that warns us of our words effect and teaches us to be more careful with our tongue. For we are all human. And no one is perfect.

The buggar is, we all have a weak spot in life. A place of vulnerability.  Something we don't want anyone to know about--for fear they may attack.  And you know what, dear critic? Somehow you managed, perfectly, to find mine.

How wonderful for you.

But i won't linger here long. Soon i will forget the whole thing.

It is only fresh in my mind today. And, you know what happens when i think, well darnit if i don't end up typing about it.

I'm sorry that you were unintentionally offended by my words after you misinterpreted them. I thought i had clarified that part in my last blog. Maybe you missed it.

Now if you'll escuce me, i'm gunna go and warch my chikens play in da wadder. Cause us dummies, we like ta look at da chikens.