Thursday, August 15, 2013

A cleanse--yea, so big deal?!

Alright, here's the Delio--i have decided to do a cleanse.

Ugh. I know.

The idea was so beautiful as i listened to my brother talk about thefood and the benefits and i just got hooked.

I trusted him--even though he had not yet done it--and i jumped on board.

I went to Walmart and the Co-op in Cambridge to get all my "goods"  (after lunch today, i use that word lightly)

Of course, like usual, i tried to rope my friends into it as well.

A few were in a few were out.

Since we discovered that fennel is elusive, we decided to wait a few day to gather all the right ingredients and then we were going to get this party--this throw up in your mouth party--started.

For the love of our kidneys, liver and colon.

Well, after texting back and forth with Gwennie yesterday and sending pictures of mammoth cabbages and fennel ,we decided--reluctantly--(more like Lynn demanded and i followed since it was my lame idea) to start today. Thursday.

And it really is a joy.

Oops, did i say joy--i meant i want to stab myself--repeatedly--in the eyeballs with a ooey, gooey frosting covered stick.....

Mmmmmm, frosting.....

You can feel free to join me or copy me. I mean its just a barrel of fun, sister. A monkey-filled, violent barrel of torturous fun.... I mean fun--its really fun.

This cleanse isn't like the other cayenne pepper and lemon water cleanses where you drink till you want to gag and then poop your pants.  This is one that has specific foods put together for each meal that will help to get your insides functioning at their optimal performance.(not that i ever thought they weren't, i guess) So at least i get to eat....but i would almost rather not.

So this morning for breakfast i made quinoa and put some rice milk and chopped up prunes into it with a bit of grated ginger and nutmeg.  I KNOW--your taste buds are just a tingling at the sound of this. Mmmmmm.

Okay. Here's the thing. I hate OATMEAL. i want to eat if for breakfast, but it brings me back to when i was a kid and my parents would make me sit at the table until it finished my bowl and i hated it then and i hate it now. I didn't have oatmeal for breakfast today, i had quinoa. But its like they were trying to trick you into thinking it was like oatmeal and that it was a normal thing to have at 8:00am.

And i love quinoa. Or i did. Until i tainted it with ginger and PRUNES!! Gak. Throw up in my mouth.

I found myself longing for some mushy oatmeal and a handful of brown sugar....Delicious brown sugar.

But i gagged it down--like a trooper.

So with that behind me, i felt accomplished today. I knew i was headed to Lynn's to get my fennel and that would take until lunch time, right?  Totes. This is going to be cake. One meal down--seven gazillion more to go.

I found myself looking a the clock at around 9:00 wondering if this was possibly the longest day int the history of the world. (And i still stand by that comment). I'm gonna look it up. I am certain time has actually stopped and begun to go backwards.

So from 9:37 to 9:50 i was in the car and my thought process was something like this.

"I can DO this. I got this. Its just food. And its just two days....two days!  Like, no biggie. Who cares.
Not me. Cause i am a lean mean quinoa and prune eating machine. Whatever, i gots this.....

(a few silent moments go by)

...what is food anyways? What is life? Who am I? Can i be me if i just eat quinoa and prunes? How do you host a party with the snack being a watered down juice mix?  Do people like cabbage and fennel broth? Who likes broth.  Oh my gosh, i think i am dying.....what if there is no more good food by Saturday and i have missed it all? What if when i can finally enjoy food again, it has disappeared from the earth?! What if i HAD to eat this for the rest of my life.? Is death an option? Oh Death, i welcome you.

(...5 seconds of panic go by)

Ohhh, McDonalds. I NEED that. I NEED a coffee. Now. That's right. I'm not run by anybody!  I do what i choose, when i choose it! I am in control of my life. Not you Dr. Oz!   Not YOU!!!! (insert hand to fist and tear down cheek as i drive by McDonalds) would have failed if you ordered that sugary drink, Christina. Failed like you do at every thing else in life. You're going cra-cra, stop obsessing with food. Its just food. Delicious, glorious, and wonderful food.  Two days....just do it--ya big fat quinoa eating baby. Eat it!!

(insert all of lifes questions placed directly onto my weak, weak, food deprived brain)

Thank you Jesus, I've arrived at Lynns.

Misery loves company. (and cake. Misery definitely loves cake.....and frosting....oh, and cupcakes.....and oreos. I bet misery definitely loves those things.)

I got my stuff and we chatted trying to encourage and complain all at thee same time.  Lynn actually had to remove a pancake crumb from the table for the love of our sanity.  The temptation was there, i'm not gonna lie. If only i had seen it before lynn. (insert fist--again)

So i packed up my sauerkraut (you know, for a snack) and my beans and my fennel and my dandelion tea and headed out the door.  We waved good bye and the three hours of discipline that i had experienced this day had took its tole and a headache (cause i am a baby) set in.

Realizing i forgot my apples and that i had to get a few human things for the kids for dinner, i stopped at Target--after being crabby with my hubby on the phone because HE implied sauerkraut and quinoa and prunes were gross-- how dare he?!--only to find that i forgot my purse at HOME!!!! Ugh.

Thank the Lord. Jeromy was done early and close to Blaine so we agreed to meet there and he would foot the bill--cause he's a gentleman like that.


Blaine Target came into view and my kids commented on the delicious smell of the Chilli's, Leann Chin, and all other things fried and untouchable.

I kid you not. I have never felt the need for some substance in my life. Shopping while starving and restricted was equivalent to bamboo shoots under my nails! BAMBOO SHOOTS!!. Please Jesus, just let some sugary or starchy substance fall from the sky and land in my mouth. I would have no control over that. It wouldn't be would be an accident!!

Well, as my luck would have it, no delicious treats fell from the sky and into my mouth.

Of COURSE.(insert fist)

But i did run into my mother. And that was fun. Until she pulled out a dollar bill for each of the kids to get a little treat and handed me a $5 bill to "get a special coffee treat"....

"Moooo-ooooom!! I told you i was doing this thiiiii-ng"

That is the moment when the lights went out and my knees weakened.



Jeromy had a twinkle in his eye thee whole time we were a the store as i suffered through my grocery shopping experience. And i had daggers in mine.

I was starving. But i knew i would get a smoothie for lunch and that had to be delicious, right?


No, WRONG. Of course its wrong. Its always wrong. Dr. Oz is a member of Satan's army and he wants me dead---dead i tell you!!!

So after i blended up my pitiful 1/4 cup of blueberries and 1/4 banana and some almond milk (barf central) flax seed and ice...i am now chocking down the worst. smoothie. ever.

It doesn't even qualify as a smoothie. That was just a mean, mean trick. Its a grainy, beautifully colored, almond tasting puke fest that i want no part of.

But since, like an a-wad, i invited a friend to join me in this gauntlet of horror--i have to keep drinking and continue on down this road of rage and a slight headache.

All things a good ol' coffee and cupcake would fix.

But alas, when i finally get to eat fluffy goodness again--it will be extinct and i will then die.

So peace out, my friends.

This could be my last blog entry soooooo, you're gonna want to print and frame this one....

Here lies Christina Boone--she died with perfectly clean and an optimally functioning kidney, liver and colon.

1 comment:

  1. Wow!!! This post was hilarious!!! I am on board to go to culvers again for that awesome Sundae you ordered!!!lol