The anticipation of 32

Well, Good Morning, everyone!!

After an hour in the garden pulling weeds on this fine Saturday morning, i finally feel like i have processed turning 32 tomorrow.

And here's what i have thunked.

It started two weeks back, as i anticipated the ol' birthday. Which i truly love. Birthdays are the best and Jeromy lets me celebrate for like the whole week.

No matter what the plans turn out to be, i just look at him and say "but its for my birthday!?"  And i am always able to wander free for about a week.

But this year, i feared something different.

Like I said, it started two weeks ago--when i was asked by my friend to sub on her co-ed ball team.

Of course i would. Its what i do.

Until i realized on my way to the fields in Anoka, that my stomach was nervous. Like really nervous. Gurggly and all twisted up in knots.

Of course i arrived about 30 minutes early so that i could sit and anticipate my fate.

As i sat there, in my minivan watching players start to sprinkle in to the fields, i felt sick.

Like what a baby? Right?

I'm a ball player. If nothing else. I fell 110% confident with a ball coming directly at me at high speeds....but not this night.

This night i felt like a Mom. An old, scared, and timid Mom....in my minivan.

I crossed my leg over my lap and dissected everyone around me. I looked to the vehicle next to me and saw another girl waiting to head out. I gave her the courtesy nod and half smile and then looked the other direction.

Then i saw a big guy walking to the field with a kid. Good, i thought. Another old timer.

But as i looked closer, i realized that that was in fact, his teeny tiny childlike girlfriend.

Ugh.

So i sat there, trying to talk myself up. Remind myself of how much i love the thrill of the lights, the sounds, the speed and the crack of the bat.

And then it happened.

I uncrossed that leg of mine.That long, giraffe like limb that follows me around....





...and my foot.....




....accidentally....





....HONKED THE HORN!!!

I honked the horn with my leg .....and just about pooped my pants.

My eyes darted around to meet every other eye...staring at me.....

wondering if i honked cause i needed something....

Oh, my gosh. Kill me now.

But with my cat like instincts, i pulled the best Cameron Diaz that i could and threw my arms up in the air shaking my head and smiling.....Like "Whaaaaaat just happened, hip young cool kids who drink alot an look angry?!?! What the what?? Right....Oh, we're all just silly--aren't we."

I think it worked.

Besides the small amount of pee that was in my pants....i was cool....i was gonna make it through this....

My friend soon arrived. But by then i had already counted myself out. Assumed the position of girl who takes a rocket of a shot to the face, and headed to get my cleats on.

The game went fine. The team was great. I played like a 3rd grader. Disappointed with my batting (and my dead bat.)  But I survived.

And ya know what? They asked me back for the next few weeks.(i'm going to pretend that i didn't know they were hard pressed for girl players)

I continued to tell my friend that i was just feeling really old, as we walked to the car. And finally she looked at me and said, "these people are all your age if not older."

And there ya have it.

It wasn't that i was old. It was that i was frail. Cautious. Aware. I was a mother.

That's what it all boiled down to. My kids had softened me. And my girl league wasn't challenging enough to keep me fresh.

The whole ride home i thought about my glory days. When Jeromy and I played softball together.  Its a good memory for us. Its how me met after all.

I will forever love being under the night lights, on a field, with a glove and a bat. Simply because the memories are the greatest.

When i arrived home i was determined that if i was gong to play co-ed ball, that we were going to get the ol' team back together, no matter how old they were, and we were going to have one last glory season....

Jeromy agreed.

But i don't think it will happen....cause we are, after all, old.

The week went by as i anticipated 32. I went from joyful to grumpy. Telling my brother over the phone that "sometimes its like i'm the only person who likes to get together with everyone. Like its just a check off the ol' list, a mark on the calendar--for everyone else.  You think this joyful personality comes naturally? Cause i work at it. I socially work at life. And no one else does. And i'm sick of it. I'm done.."

And i was certain that i would not call anyone for --at least--one whole day.

And i stewed and i sulked and i complained.

It was a buggar of a few days.

OKAY?

Doesn't anyone else every feel like that? Or are you all so content, so sure of yourself that you never second guess?

Don't even answer that...

I don't want to know.

Anywho, i talked to my brother a few days ago and we chatted and all was well, of course. Cause never, in a million years, would i be mad at him. I complain to him, sure. But never would i be mad.

And he told me. "Ya just got to make it through it. Sure, theres a few days where you dread it and mop, but then its like new years and time to start fresh". He went on to tell me how he had a renewed spirit after his birthday last week and that he had done some construction at his house, that sucked, but that felt good when he looked at the finished project. He felt rewarded and renewed--and i would too.

And i know, i get that. I mean, i am the New Year's Eve freak that insists on resolutions and loves to make plans to be better.

And normally i do for birthdays too....

But something was holding me back this year.

Age. I just don't like it. It really is hard on me. I think alot and as i progress in years...i wonder if i have done enough or if anything has even mattered.

Have i waisted my precious time?  I don't know. I just never can know.

So, last night. I went to play co-ed ball again.

And this time, i was determined to be myself. Have fun. Talk alot. Dig in. Cause if i was going to go down swinging, you bet your behind, i was going to go down swinging hard.

My first hit was a hard one. BUT it was caught.

But, seeing as how my wonderful hubby got me a new bat for my birthday, i felt hopeful.

Cause its a nice bat. And i love it!  (thank you my love, for knowing me so well....i loooooove it! It wields power, i'm sure of it)

"Next shot", Kandi said "if you can pull the ball, hit it in right cause their left side is strong,"  To which i replied.

" I can pull it."

And it was on. That is all it took. Direction. I needed to be told what to do, so i could make it happen. That's how i work.

Everything else went out the window. I didn't care. I was aiming to pull it right.

Boom. First pitch. Smack down the RC field. And i was on. Moving and feeling good. It felt good. Its what i needed.

So i kept at it, every time i batted. And ya know what?

The next game i went from the new girl at the bottom of the order to the third batter.

Nice.

That's all i needed. I needed to remember what i love.

I love ball.

I dont' care where i am playing. Who i am playing with. Or what field i'm on.

I love it.  I needed it.

Jeromy and i will soon be members of that team this fall. (or specifically the email my friend got last night "Hey, can you ask your friend with the sweatshirt if her and her husband will  play Fall ball with us?")

Yes!! Girl in the sweatshirt. I'll take that!!

And i think i'm gonna like it.

So today after i reclaimed my joy. I woke up and headed out the the garden with my boy and started weeding....in that sweatshirt.

And ya know what i realized?

Its gonna be a good year.

Because i am going to make it one. I am going to be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.  (and always swing for the fences.....amiright?!!)

My new birthday year resolution are yet to come...but for now, I have to go make pancakes for some hungry kids--cause i'm a Mom. And that what i do.