Monday, April 8, 2013

Stay here.

Lately i have been pondering a thought...the same thought i have been pondering for the past year and a half. A thought that i never--in my wildest dreams--would have thought i would ever be considering.


I can't shake the feeling that my kids would benefit from it. I would benefit from it.  Our family would benefit from it.

Its not because i don't like my district. Well, i don't love the district, but i really do LOVE East Bethel Community School and all the teachers and staff there. Ruby has had some great teachers, and i have friends who work in the building all whom have made our experience there a good one.  There has been great parties, dances,  and get togethers. We have experienced a lot of really fun things. And i like it.

But then each day when i go to pick them up, or visit them at lunch or play with them at recess i fell a tiny pain in my heart. Like it hurts me a bit to see them away from me. Outside of my wing and away from my embrace.

As i ponder this decision i feel scared. Unsure. Nervous. Overwhelmed.

Anyone who knows me probably knows that this doesn't seem to be a good fit.  I am not "that parent" who is perfectly organized with cubbies, dividers and chore charts. But i DO love my kids. And i DO feel like i had them so that i could spend time with them. I don't like being away from them 8 hours a day.

I know i can do this--if i choose it.  It may be hard. It may be temporary, heck, they may go to prom with their Dad, but i don't want to NOT do it and regret it. I don't want to look back and think why did i think it would be so hard? They are only young once. And we have so much fun learning and experiencing life together.

I don't talk about this choice with many people, mostly because i don't want the criticism, or the warnings, or the doom and gloom of raising weird, unsocialized homeschoolers.

But we aren't weird, we aren't unsocialized. I mean, hello, have you met us?!  Socialization is the furthest from our problems!! :)

Today as i picked up my beautiful girls i glanced up the carpool line and I saw a mess of glorious red hair shimmering in the sun and a protective sisters hand holding her back from running--out of turn-- to the car to meet me...and for a second, i didn't see a second grader and a kindergartner....

I saw my little babies....and it hurt.

They shouldn't be away from me, not all day, not yet.

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