I've been on a quest recently. Sometimes consciously sometimes not. To be better. And to know what that truly means. To live every day of my life fully. I want to look back and think that i put in my all in life. Every day. Fully. I want to feel like i accomplished something.
I have always worried (and sometimes overworried) that when i got old, i was going to look back and think "What did you do all those years? Why didn't you try harder? Give life 100%?
And i think that has slowly been overtaking me. My Mom says i am turning into a "liberated woman now." And maybe she's right. But where i differ from a woman's libber is this--I still value family, and my children and put them first. I always will. I'm not off pursuing my dreams leaving my kids to fend for themselves while i sow all the oats that i should have sowed when i was 19 and single. No I am not that women's libber. I al moving forward and bringing my husband and children with me.
I look at my kids and i see that the world is their oyster. I want so desperately for them to know that. I want to them to live life so fully and with so much passion and so much joy that it feels a bit overwhelming.
My motto these days is "theres no obstacle that we can't overcome!!" I feel so passionately about that.
In an uncertain time in life. When we feel knocked down...all we have to do is stand up..
There are so many nah sayers in life. So many half empty glasses. So many poor me, its too hard, it hurts, i'm disabled, they did me wrong attitudes out there. And lately, especially, it bothers me.
Our generation bothers me.
For us, there have been many storms lately. Some self inflicted, many not. But through those storms, i have seen the sun.
I have seen rainbows.
I have seen the sunset.
And i have seen the sun rise.
And that is where my focus is. Not on the negative, not on the obstacles, not on the impossible. But on the passion, the possibilities, the strength.
I have gone into long winded rants about my new found path and strength. Often times my husband just looks at me, bewildered, as i tell him that i am on moving up in life. I am moving forward, and if people aren't with me? Well, then they're against me. Of course.
Every now and then when he asks me about his work pants and if they are clean or dirty. I hastily say "you don't own me girlfriend (snap, snap, and one more dramatic snap)!!" And then i quickly run down to the dryer and pull them out. I want to serve. But sometimes i feel like i want to remind him of that...
He just rolls his eyes. And is as confused as normal.
I feel powerful these days. In a time where we could and possibly should be broken. I feel strong.
When social injustices used to drive me mad. Now, when i am facing trials and somone is playing a game and trying to bait me--you know what i do?
I keep walking forward. Case i ain't got time for the negativity. (it actually pained me to type "ain't" and i want to apologize for that.)
Cause this girl is on fire, and I'm blazin the trail folks.
There are so many people who have real problems, face real dilemmas and that is where my heart breaks. When i hear people complaining about their past, how someone "done them wrong." I just don't care anymore. I am tired of the crying. I am tired of the tears people cry for themselves when there are real people who are out there facing real problems and overcoming real difficulties. When a beautiful young Mother of two adorably precious daughters, just freshly 30, is battling cancer and carrying her head higher than anyone else. Has joy in her heart. Strength in her eyes. And a joke on her lips. All the while a tore up knee, chemotherapy and constant sickness?! Uh, yeah--that's real strength.. That's how God intended us to be. I know God looks down on her and is overcome with pride. She--is what the human race could learn from. Those are the beautiful souls who are truly fighting, and persevering, and strong. The ones who get knocked down but find a way to get up. Who get hurt, but recover. Who are in need, but press on. Who God made us to be.
When we run so hard and so fast through the battlefields of life that we get tangles in the barbed wire. Even though we feel broken. Heavy laden. Tore apart. If we press on, endure, persevere--someone may just come along and cuts us free. And instead of focusing on the reason we became entangled, we ought to focus on who saved us! Who gave us life. A second chance. Strength to move forward.
In a book i read recently about a POW, who had endured months and month of torture by a particular guard who wanted to break him. To dehumanize him. To take away his dignity. One day--after hours and hours of strenuous labor, with a broken foot and after years of starvation and dwindled strength--that guard demanded that the POW pick up a 6 foot long plank of wood and hold it over his head. If he faltered, he endured more torture at the hands of another guard. As the guard sat there, sneering, at the inmate who would likely fail. But instead, something lit up inside that inmate. Suddenly just before he lost consciousness, he felt that fire inside, telling him "You will not break me!" And he stared back at the guard never wavering, not giving him the pleasure of taking one more things from him. He persevered. Beyond what he thought he was capable of. It was amazing.
That imagery has been stuck in my head this week. Can we hold a plank over our heads, even after we are weary and sure of failure?
Yes. We can. And not only that, but we can succeed.
I believe we are capable of so much more than we know. Don't give up.
If you've fallen in life-- Get. Back.Up.
So today, as i ran on the treadmill, i felt strong. I felt the warmth of a fire heating up inside of me.
Because-- you will not break me today, world. Not today. 'Cause this girl is on FIRE!!!