This is tough. I am having a super hard time this week. For one reason in particular (and a whole bunch of other stuff)
If anyone knows me, they know that i am okay with being micromanaged and i have a very hard time making decisions...especially hard ones. Especially big ones. Especially ones that effect my kids world.
Well, here i sit anticipating Laneys journey into Kindergarten. I was sick a few days ago and a friend of mine called. She was excited because she had planned on putting her daughter into the all day every day kindergarten in our district, but was concerned about the expensive cost to do so. I was just anticipating, with bated breath, the half days that i was going to have to be away from my Laney. Well, she called me with excitement to tell me that there had been a change in the district and that now the kids were all going to be going to all day, every day kindergarten. I am so happy for her, that she doesn't have to pay now and that it will work so much better with her schedule. I know her daughter will do great and thats awesome!
Buuut. Now i can't breath. The thought of my tiny, little baby girl, Laney being away from me all day is killing me. And i mean killing me. It is all consuming and i am afraid of it. The thought of two kids being gone from me for 8 hours, hurts. I physically hurt about this. Hurt.
Its just too soon. They are just too small. I want to freeze time. Or better yet, run. Run far, far away.
Then a few days later i got an email from PACT Charter school letting me know that Laney's name was drawn in the lottery and that she was accepted, if we agreed. The moment i got that email i felt sick. What? PACT Charter school. Now? Already? I don't know what to do. I know that i want them there. I know that it is good. I know that when i filled out the application two years ago that i was unsure but that i prayed that God would guide us through this and that if we got drawn that it would be meant to be. But now i have to decide.
Because ya see, i have come to realize that i have a difficult time deciphering what is Gods timing and what is my decision. I have concluded that unless he comes to me through a burning bush and yells at me...well, then i'm just not sure what to do. And its not that i just don't know what to do. Its that i spend 24 hours in that day weighing the decision and praying and pleading and thinking and hurting and wondering WHAT TO DO? Please, just tell me what to do!
So that leaves Ruby. My precious angel who has slipped through the cracks. I feel like she has gotten the short end of the stick ever since she entered school and now if she gets in to PACT i have to make the decision to pull her from her friends and her comfort zone to move to a whole other school. I know kids are resilient. I have heard it a thousand times. But i still don't want to have to make my child have to be.
I want a guarantee that this is the right choice. I want God's stamp of approval. I know i don't care what i have to go through, but i can't stand the thought of my kids being unhappy or hurt. And ultimately by my decision.
So today i wake up, and i hurt. My head hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts.
How will i know? What should i do?