And we were in the midst of one this last week. We were being attacked by someone full of greed and selfishness and it was pulling us down. (but that's another blog)
We were fighting through it--fighting through our own control over our feelings and the injustices of life and the hypocrisy that we often face that makes our heads spin! Lets just say i was digging down deep, to get through this.
Fighting the hate i felt in the situation and the feeling of wanting to air out all the truths of what has gone on in our life and the want to air all the unjust actions that have taken place.
I was fighting to ignore.
Not something i am good at, but something i am learning to do when faced with these, all too familiar, situations.
I had a bad few days. A shut off few days. A dark few days.
I knew i would get through it. I was mad about something that happened that was out of our control and that anger can sometimes consume me. And i was fighting it.
Trying to pull myself up and to move forward. Trusting that God was in control and no matter the outcome--whether he resolved it for our earthly eyes or not. I knew he was with us and that he knew the truth. The rest was not up to us. Our job is to trust and allow God to work--even when things don't seem to go in our favor.
That's really hard for me. I'm more of a "Meet me on the hill" kind of girl, ya know.
I fretted over my feelings because just a few days before this happened i prayed--aloud--that God would just give me eyes to focus on heaven, not the earthly problems and the flesh that sometimes distract us.
And wouldn't ya know--like God always does, He heard me and brought something into my life that would test if i was looking up or if i was living on earth and clinging to earthly things. (you know, like FAIRNESS!!)
And as i silently struggled internally to get my focus right, i was torn. I felt like my focus was right. I didn't want "stuff" but i did want justice. I always want it. But never the less, God reminded me that justice isn't mine, but His. And he will handle all things according to his timing.
To top that off, Jeromy and I had a ball game on Friday night and i played terribly. Terribly. Which for me--is rock bottom. I was frustrated. I was talking to my Dad and apologizing for being bad and explaining that this has been my worst year in ball ever. (not that he hadn't already witnessed that) Ugh. It felt like the bottom.
Then that next day Ruby came home from school acting like a bear. Like a total bear. And i just couldn't handle it. I felt like there was nothing i was doing right and that no one was looking out for me. Even God. I felt like he always choose the other team to defend. And it just stung. (Kind of sounds a little dramatic now as i type it--but its how i felt)
Ruby literally yelled and screamed and kicked and got a time out, a spanking, lost money and tv all in about an hour of being home. It was bad. I felt like i didn't even know what to do with her. My girl. My precious girl who is constantly battling me and yet so darn protective of me in the same breath. Its enough to confuse a Mom--i'll tell ya that.
Regardless, we went to Juniors open house and Ruby was even mad there, and Jeromy and i were at the end of our ropes as well.
"What are we going to do with her?" "How can we parent her better?" "Maybe she just needs time to unwind after school?" "Does she need her own room?" "More space?"....
These were the questions we talked about in the car ride home. We stopped at DQ for a little outside celebratory dinner. (Ruby didn't get a treat though--as punishment for her attitude)
In the car ride home, she was talking mean to her sister and i told her that "if she was going to talk like that she could stay in this car until she remembered how to talk kindly!"
And when we got home. She quietly asked me if we could "sit in the car for a bit?"
Jeromy looked at me and i noddeed my head and he took the other kids inside and Ruby and i sat.
"Whats up" i asked her, feeling frustrated.
And that's when her angry demeanor turned soft and her lip started to quiver.
"Today at school..." she said
"When i was going to sit down in my desk.....Will kicked my chair away..."
"What!? Did you sit down or did you see him do that?" i asked her.
" I didn't see him and i sat down and missed the chair and i fell....and it hurt my back...." (those of you who know her know she has a bad back if she sits hard on her tailbone)
'"WHAT!!!" I said, as my head started to spin-- time standing still. I felt completely broken and helpless to know my girl had had these little feelings all bottled up in her all day. That she was on the receiving end of a not-so-funny prank....Guh. What do you do with that?
"Oh Ruby, i am so sorry..." i said.
" I felt like i wanted to cry...but i didn't." she responded--chin quivering.
We continued talking and she explained the situation and how and when it happened and how it hurt her and embarrassed her and she didn't know what to do.
I went into full blown protective mode and felt the weight of her sadness unloaded onto my shoulders.
I asked her if the teacher saw or anyone else and she said no, they didn't.
Obviously i assured her that i was going to call that teacher in the morning and let her know about it and that Will would likely apologize for his action. And i tried (even though i felt mad at him too) to explain that Will was probably just trying to be funny and that he didn't know it hurt you and maybe he got nervous after you fell too. That just kids. And we need to remember that when we are teasing or laughing at our own brother and sister-- Its not funny when you are on the other end of a joke.
My heart broke for my baby girl. She is so strong and so silent. Of course she would just bottle that all up and not know how to handle it and then explode at home--where she is safe.
Ugh. It just hurt me. And it hurt Jeromy. To know that our baby was sad.
That moment in the car, i felt it, i felt the switch. I felt God finally taking my hate and my anger away and my frustrations with life and things i can not control and reminding me of all that is important and the importance of just loving my kids. Being there for them. Protecting them. And teaching them. Being thankful for what i do have.
Suddenly i was through the mess and back in reality. Focusing on what i could do.(Hallelujah)
And i was so thankful to be out of the pit. I don't like it there, and sometimes God has to help lift me out of it. Its a reminder that He didn't put me there. That man and the fallen flesh that is our human bodies put me there.
Flesh. It just gets in the way!!
I ended up having a fantastic few days with my family and my parents and my sibling and my cousins and aunts and uncles celebrating a wedding and the unity of two people!! We danced, we sweat, we laughed--we laughed some more--and we danced some more! It was an absolutely wonderful weekend away.
There is so much to be thankful for and so much that hinders our eyes from seeing it. I am thankful--for this moment--and this day for all the many blessings that i do have.
Life just does't get much better than being with the ones you love!!