Saturday, July 28, 2012 last!!

What. A. Day.

Today is my birthday and it has been amazing. (I definetly have a lot to say about that, but not in this blog.)

Today something that was broken was healed. (Can i get an AMEN!)

A year and a month ago, i lost something. Something so very dear to me. Something broke, or  fell apart, or shattered. Something that i never, ever thought i could fix.

Ya see. I lost a friend. Not to death. But to human error. To pride. To sin. To jealousy. To hate. To anger. To hurt.

My dearest friend and i had a falling out. And it wasn't a petty spat. It was an actual FALL OUT. We were over. And there was no going back. Ever.

For one year i missed her with all my heart. I cared about her. I wondered about her. I hoped she was happy. I missed her. Man, did I miss her.

But ya see, i couldn't fix it. I thought i wanted to. But i just couldnt' find a way. I was too scorned to look back. What i wanted wasn't going to be there. We had changed. And she had moved on. 

I made a few futile attempts to connect. Whether it be anonymously, or just staring blankly at my computer, unable to find the words. Unable to move forward, when i was so stuck in the past. My heels were dug in. I didn't want them to be, i wasn't used to feeling like this, but for some reason, they weren't budging. Ever.

I prayed for this person. I also prayed that God would just take her from my mind. Let me move on with out thinking about all that i was missing. I had great why couldn't i just move forward and call it quits?

To this very moment, i can't  think of a good enough reason that it took me a year to act.

Wait, i can think of something. My own sin. It was my insecurities. That was my hangup.

On June 22nd I sat at the computer before heading out to go camping. I felt it, and i needed to go with it.

So i typed a short, impersonal, email to her. It went something like this. (or exactly like this, cause i just copy and pasted it)

"I don't know if i can do this anymore...its been a real long year. And i miss you terribly. Terribly"

I was going to put it out there and make an attempt. This was my friend, and i needed to fight for her. Fight for our friendship. Right?  I didn't fight hard enoug the first time, and i was determined to give it all I had this time.

 She responded.  But it felt like a long month leading up to now.

But today. On July 28th 2012...a friendship has been renewed. My heart is full.  In fact, overflowing. 

The amount of healing and love and gratitude i felt today as we "hashed it out" is beyond words.  How do you explain something like that? 

My friend is back.

She's back.

And here's the real kicker...

She missed me too.

She missed me.

Every scenario i had envisioned in my mind, was wrong.  I let the devil get a foothold and he took me on a long and whindy road.

She. missed. me.

In my wildest dreams, i never thought we would be able to come together again. Never. Ever.  She didn't either.

But here we sit. Friends once again.


The enormity of my words (i am sure) cannot be grasped. In fact i know they can't . My heart was heavy. Burdened with sadness, for a year.

But today. It is soaring. Its amazing how we learn, through loss, what we need.  The old saying is right.

"Ya don't know what ya got till its gone."

But now i know. And i will never, ever, lose it again.

Thanks for opening that door, Sarah!

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