Its hip to be square

I've realized a few things about myself lately....well, maybe i always knew them.

No, i definitely always knew them.

I am just now putting them all together.

Cause clearly i have nothing better to do.

As i dissect my personality and my "style" in life i have come to a few conclusions.

I can look past a floor that has a pile of laundry on it or a basket the needs to be folded, but i HATE when Jeromy's shirt drawer is out of order!  I find myself refolding all his tee shirts on a weekly basis.  All while i take a squat on that pile of laundry that i am overlooking.

I wouldn't dare eat meat that wasn't organic or pasture raised, but i give my kid an Icee just about every time i go to Target.

I talk alot and sometimes come off like i am mad or arguing, when in fact--its the silence you want to look out for.

My favorite time with my husband is when we are watching a movie together.  We are both totally engaged and totally in to it. And sometimes we can agree that maybe we BOTH--in fact-- wouldn't mind kissing Jason Statham!!

 Mmmmmmm....Jason Statham.

I like the cloudy, overcast days more than the sunny ones because they make me feel less pressure to get stuff done.

I can have a dessert ready at any moment of the day--but dinner hurts my brain as i ponder it ALL day.

If i could skip meals and just eat cake--well, i definitely would. (and maybe already do...you don't know)

I feel afraid about 99% of the time, but powerful when i have a shotgun at my shoulder or a ball in my hand.

I love talking to my friends, but sometimes i just can't find my phone--i hear it, but i just can't find it.

I have trouble deciding if i would rather be friends with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler or Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph....who am i kidding, I'd pick Gilly every time!!!

Jimmy Fallon makes me happy, but Jimmy Kimmel bugs me.

I think if someone has too many "likes" on a post on facebook, then they don't need me to do it---even if i really DID like the comment.

 Does that mean that I withhold affection?

No.

Cause I'm a super high fiver.

(high five to you for agreeing)

(ohh, cold shoulder to YOU for not.)

I think girls rule and boys drool....unless the boy is mine then i think he hung the moon!!!

Sometimes i have to physically say out loud "Christina, put that stinkin' dish in the sink" or i will walk away and never return.

I want to laugh 90% of my day, and yell the other 10%

I hate organized people.....cause i am super jealous. (Shhhhh)

Sorry i said "hate",  I didn't mean to.....

I have never once spelled "definitely" correct, without having to spell check it... Ugh, that one bugs me. Its that darn second "i" it always gets me.

I could have a hundred dollar bill in my hand when i am at Caribou, but if they try to charge me for whip cream on my iced white mocha-- Sister, you don't even want to know. I go loco on them. That's what makes it NOT a latte. The whip and white chocolate!!!!  The whip is ALREADY included in the price. So now you are tyring to double charge me for the whip?  (Which i clearly need--since my swimsuit just like totally hangs off me--obviously).  If after all my arguing they don't concede? Then i just change to the hot white mocha.(passive aggressively)  And then i win, Caribou....I WIN!!!!!

This year when i got on my bike, i felt like the wheels started to cry.

(Which reminds me, no more cake...or whip cream.....FINE, no more mocha's either, Geez, what are you? Hitler?)

No matter what happens in a day, my kids always can make me smile. Always. Except when they are giving me a headache... But after a shot of ibuprofen--I'm all smiles again!

If i ever offend you--don't be. I am messing around about 90% of my life.  Unless i am talking about Jesus or my kids--then i'm probably very serious.

Is it possible that i am growing? Or is everyone else just shrinking? Guh.

I can dig in the dirt or carry rocks or rake all day long---just please don't ask me to do dishes--then i am really tired.

My husband is oddly capable of everything.....it really bugs me.

I will argue till i am blue in the face against families being busy-- I believe simplicity is best and kids thrive in it.

Softball is awesome--soccer is totally lame (but i'm sure you all already knew that!)

Golf and tennis are dumb (you could basically wear a skirt in both), but basketball and hockey are awesome!

No matter how tired i am i will stay up late to watch TV. Its a blessing and a curse.

Thought i can't stand our bed and its disgusting softness--nothing feels better than climbing back into it around 4 am, after a night of bed jumping between two kids teeny, tiny, elf like beds.

I like to help out--as long as i initiate it and its not "too" formal. If there's a sign up sheet--- i rebel.

 I think rules are made to be followed. Unless its the don't eat past 7 o'clock rule. I mean, hello, if i followed that rule when would i eat my ice cream and chips?

I have embraced my spandex like running capris---but if my underwear band is too tight--its just plain gonna be a bad day, OKAY?!

Which leads me to the fact that i used to not know what a "muffin top" was---lets just say that now i do....

When i read blogs i sometimes think people pretend to know it all and have it all together--that's why i am writing this one.  So you can all agree that "at least you're not that bad off!" Ha, i don't even care. Lets all laugh about it....

Sometimes i feel like the only woman who can start to clean her room, find a towel that belongs in the bathroom, bring it to the bathroom, find an article in a magazine that i want to read, read it, run a bath and read it, get out, realize i left a cup in the bathroom, head to the kitchen, see there are lots of dishes that need to get into the washer, load it, go to start it, see i am almost out of soap, turn to the fridge to write it on the list, decide i am hungry, roam the cupboards and fridge, decide to make puppy chow quick, turn to see my towel on the floor as i walk past the bathroom, walk down stairs to put it in the laundry room, walk past the office, start the washer, check if i got an email, read a blog, read facebook, decide i am bored, walk upstairs, eat puppychow, look for towel to dry hands, remember the washer that i started and didn't fill, go down stairs, quick check facebook, head upstairs determined to clean my room, look out the window, realize i didn't let the chickens out, get my shoes on, take out the garbage, let the chickens out,  realize Junior came out with me and won't come back in, sit on the porch and enjoy the sunshine, feel pressure--cause thats what sun does to me, call Sarah, talk until her battery dies, go inside to make dinner, Think "whats for dinner?" Ugh, go downstairs to find some meat, check facebook, remember the laundry, its cold water now, start over, go upstairs, sit in my room, think i should really clean it,  then look out the window at my beautiful chickens and watch them as i lay across my bed and smile at the window... Until I hear the garage door open, realize Jeromy is home and panic as i thought that i did stuff today and yet did nothing all at the same time, hurry and pick up the living room, and grab a arm full of towels and walk downstairs--just as he opens the door--and  pray that I fool him into thinking (as i have a load of laundry in my arms, hello?) that i have been efficient all day long!! Fhewww.



Which reminds me, have i ever told you how very disciplined I am? Oh, i haven't? Hmmmm.

Maybe some day.

Wait, why did I even start this?

 i know i came downstairs for something....but what was it?


...........uh.......

............maybe.......

.....was it?.........

.......................

Ooooh, look at the birds outside.....

Fear...again.

Fear is so ugly. It is so gripping and i can feel it consuming me at this very moment as i type.  I have been reading about the massive tornado that tore through Oklahoma and it literally makes my insides quiver.  It makes my heart speed up and it makes my feet feel like running. Running to school to go pick up my girls and holding them tightly.

Fear is no friend of mine.

But it is with me always.

I can remember the exact moment where fear became new to me.

It was the Fall of 2004, I was newly married and Jeromy and I were up in Duluth, at Gooseberry falls, and we were walking by the river and we got to a place where we had to jump from a one rock to another to get across. Nothing i couldn't do. Nothing i hadn't done before.

Ya see, it is a moment i remember very vividly.  Because something inside me had changed. I felt weaker. More vulnerable.

I was freshly pregnant.

I specifically remember putting my hand on my stomach and thinking, There is no way i can jump! What if i miss the rock? What if theres algi on the rock and i slip?! What if I fall and  i can't protect my baby!?!

Suddenly life was altered. That very moment. A fear i had never known crept in.

And it has slowly spread throughout my life as i have had more babies and my love grew even deeper---that fear has intensified.

I remember when i had Ruby, i felt like no other mother could hold my baby properly.  Lord, please don't let them drop her!!  That honestly was a huge fear of mine. Like a seasoned mother was going to drop a baby? Come on.

I remember an instance where my cousin came to visit and was wearing high heels and I handed Ruby to her. My wind raced as i panicked that her high heel might spontaneously break and she would fall--dropping my baby girl!

It seems silly as i look back, but it was a real fear.

There was the first rain storm that Jeromy played ball in and as we drove home--all the way up 65 to East Bethel--i literally prayed aloud as I drove us home with almost zero visibility....

...certain of impending doom.

I remember that storm as if it were yesterday.

Because a new piece of fear was inside me. I suddenly hated the rain. Hated the unknown power of the fierce wind, twisting and blowing.

I still hate it now.

I remember playing co-ed ball after i became a mother.  As a short stop on a team with men, it never fazed me---until i became someones mother.

Suddenly i thought it ludicrous to be standing there, ready to take a 300 mph ball to the glove..face..shin...body...heart!

And as my kids have entered school the fear has grown.  Don't get me wrong, i work very hard to control it. But it can be consuming. And that fear has stretched--not only for my kids--but for my friends as well.

Oh my gosh, the thought of my friends daughter almost getting hit by a car on the way to the bus....that broke me.  I had to recover from just hearing the story.

Children are so precious. So innocent. So lovable. So in need of protection.

I feel it creeping in again....

this disgusting fear.

And it scares me.

I know as a Christian that God is in control.  I know this.

But as a mother, i can't contain my love. I know i can't control all situations involving my little babies. But i want to put them under my wing and keep them there--forever.

I hate natural disasters as much as i hate the idea of someone opening fire at a school.

It makes me feel as if my heart may just stop beating. How can i protect everyone? 

That thought goes through my mind too much.

I asked Jeromy last year, after many tornadoes were reported around the country, if he could make some sort of harness thing that is hammered into the concrete under the stairs in the basement, for each one of us, to ensure that none of my kids are ever ripped from my arms in a storm.

It was like a light bulb went off and i felt desperate to make it happen.

Though it hasn't. Because i suppose its bordering on lunacy.

I guess i just am writing this because i am afraid. I am sad for Oklahoma. I am fearful for the very real threat of Summer and its ugly mistress: Tornadoes.

I told Jeromy earlier, as Spring just wouldn't arrive and we kept having snow days and ugly weather, that "What if God is just going to freeze us out? What if that's how he takes us?"

And it was about 20% a joke and 80% a real fear.

These storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, earthquakes--they worry me.

Deeply.

Because i see our country going in the total opposite direction of God honoring. And i fear His wrath.

I see these things as a sign, i guess. (in a non weird way) It reminds me as i am filled with anxiety and fear that we need to continue to honor God. To love God. To love others. To make His name known. To shine a light in an awfully dark, dark world.

In a time consumed with "self" we need to think of others.

We don't need instant gratification. We don't need the news at our finger tips. We don't need to know what everyone is doing at every moment of every day.

We need to love our families. We need to do for others. We need to enjoy the "ordinary days"--the gifts from God.

Matthew 7:16 says "You will know them by their fruits"

I want to be known by my fruits, not my fears. I want to take my fear and let it spur me on, to be better, to love deeper, and to see every moment for the blessing that God has intended it.

That is my reminder in times like these, times where i can feel myself slipping...into a gentle panic.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 12:23)

We just need to hold on.

I love em.

Last night Jeromy and I watched 'The Impossible'. Its a movie staring Naomi Watts and Ewan Mcgregor and its a true story about a family that was in the Tsunami in Thailand.

And within the first 30 minutes of the show, this tsunami hit and its eerily quiet--except for the rushing water-- and the mother finally comes up from below the water, all beaten up and panicked, and in that silence she looks around to sees no one.  And then her screams break the silence with such force that it was emotional just to watch it. The sound of a screaming mother, searching for her family. Well, i thought i might just bawl if this movie continued to evoke this much emotion. Something inside me was tearing my heart as i pictured myself in that situation. Can you even imagine? I can't do it justice---just watch it.

It was so well done. I loved it.  (just a reminded the part i am talking about is in the first 30 minutes, and its a two hour show, so worry not your pretty head, i would never ruin a movie by telling its end)

Was i stressed for two hours? YES!

Is anything more painful to watch than a mother trying to protect her family? NO!

Guh.

That's what i have to say about that.

I am that Mom at the store that hears a kid crying or throwing a fit and i watch as the parent will stand their ground and insist that they can NOT have goldfish--or whatever.  And I want to grab a bag of M&M's and hand it to the kid to just make them happy. I hate watching a parent yell at their kids at a store.  They are usually texting or on their phone and distracted and when their child is trying to get their full attention the parent says "Johnny, STOP it!!" and continues with their other conversation.

I usually feel like walking by that distracted person and whacking their phone out of their hands as i continue to shop...and maybe handing their kid a bag of M&M's--you know, for good measure.

Ugh. Its so easy to see what i don't like in OTHER people sometimes.  Just that lack of attention that is given to kids.  I always feel bad for the kids and can just see they are wanting the parents attention and not getting it.

Now, i know that day could have been a long one for the parent and they could have had a sleepless night, and lots of work to do, maybe another kids is home sick, or they are fighting with their husbands, I don't know. But i try to understand we are all human and we all have a right to our feelings.

But there is just something about a parent yelling at their kids in the grocery store that really irks me.  Actually its not so much the yelling, as the annoyed look  i see on their face.

Like the other day, i was at Target waiting to go in and i saw this mother and what appeared to be her 15 year old son driving. And he came to a halt in between two parking spaces and i could see her yell "Stop!!"   Then he did and she got out and slammed that door open and flew around to to take the wheel. She was ticked.  And when she got to the other side, she went to fling the door open, but it was still locked and it totally jarred her --which made her whack the window as hard as she could, about three times--and her son hurriedly opened the door from the other side and that Mom whipped it open and sat down and threw that baby into drive and literally squealed away.

Ha!! It totally made me laugh.  Chill out lady.   That poor boy.  He looked like a good kid, and honestly the driving that i saw him do was much better than the driving that i saw her do. Ohhh, it still makes me smile thinking about it....

But you know what?  I was at Target that night because i was at my wits end at home and i had run away for a few hours. Not unlike that crazy door slamming woman!? Oops.

I guess i am somewhere in the middle.  I mean, i like being at Hockey games because I'll hear a parent yell, "Get over here, Tommy!"  in an aggressive way. And i get that.  I like that.  I feel more comfortable at a game or at a fair where i hear parents talking to their kids like that.  They don't seem as annoyed--you can just tell its how they talk. They are still loving, but not in a whispery kind of way.

A little bit of goofing around, just a pinch of some yelling, a random arm grab and a whole heart of love!! That's a good combination, if ya ask me.  It feels REAL.    There are too many words these days. Words in front of a crowd, but craziness behind closed doors.

 I mean, lets let our craziness just hang out, right?

I would rather see the door slamming Mom in the car with her kids--a hundred times over--than the distracted parent in the store feeling annoyed that their child is even speaking.

Does anyone else think that?  No? Probably not, you're all the "whispering Moms", aren't you?!

"Oh, please don't touch that apple, Cindy. Oh thank you for listening. It makes me feel so happy to know that you hear and respect my words..."

Ha! Oh that's fun to even re-read :) Cause its so not me!!

I'm more "Touch that apple again, Junior, and i'm gonna break your arm!"

Ha!  That's fun to reread as well... :)

But then there are the days--like when I leave home to go to Target--my "padded room"--to find some peace.

That i stop and think, Am i doing any of this right?

What if my kids grow up to be rotten? What if they aren't nice, or kind, or loving or compassionate, or empathetic? What if they're judgmental, hypocritical, untruthful, vengeful, hateful....

Oh my gosh, i should have been a nun!!!

I can't do any of this right!

Until i see a kid crying in the cart or wanting a toy they can't have--and it makes me sad.  All kids should be loved. All kids should have parents that love them. That breaks my heart to think of kids with parents who ignore them, are bothered by them, wish they would grow up and move out or need a lot of "time away" from them.

And then it hits me.  That i may not be a "whisperer" (i am sure this news shocks you.) Heck, my kids know the words to Macklemore's song, "Can't hold us". And ya know what? I totally think its cool. Cause they're totally cool. They are nice. They are funny. They are loving. They are caring. They are good.

And all i can do is continue to pray for them each morning and pray that where i fail, God will prevail.

And that is my prayer. Its my saving grace on a bad day. Lord, i screw up all the time. I get mad easily. I am sassy sometimes.  I forget their homework randomly.  But where i fail--please prevail!!!

All i can do is love my kids like crazy. And i do.  I don't like being with out them. I don't want a night away from them.  I want to snuggle and squeeze and kiss them forever. Because they are just little babies and they only have us to fight for them.

When we come up from the tsunami of life--twisted and torn, broken and bleeding--you can bet the first words out of my mouth--the first ear piercing scream--will be my kids names.

Because God made mothers different.  I believe we have such a capacity to love-- to a fault maybe--that is truly beyond comprehension.

I love my little fart faced, sassy, talkin' back, oh no you di-unt, love you to the moon and back kids so much!!!

Even when i see all my failures screwing them up, there is no place i'd rather be than right here--every single night of my life--loving on these babies!!!

Cause God made me their mother. And that's a job that i take very seriously.