Momma's touch

Lately i have found my self very interested, nay, obsessed with the tellings of the Jewish people and their unimaginable journey into the concentration camps. I find myself grasping at all the information that i can get and reading book after book about that frightful period in time.

I find myself feeling guilty as i read it. I find myself feeling angry at the Germans. I also find myself wondering, how?  How would i have lived in that time. Who would i have been. What would i have done.  How would i have handled it?

I have worked hard to keep my overwhelming fear of the unknown and the end times at bay. Consciously. For fear of my own demise.

And so when i dig deeply into the stories of Jewish death camps.....I can't help but allow my mind to connect the dots between the gravity of their fates and the misguided fear of my own potential fate. The fear that i have of living out Revelations. Fighting to the end.

All the stories of survivors and witnesses alike, tell the same fateful tale.  The stars on their clothing, the gathering of Jews and the horrendous conditions, the cattle cars and the camps.  Some lived to tell about it, scarred. Some didn't.  And its something that i force myself to think about--because i fear that if i don't--it makes their suffering somehow less. Because it is our history as a world, though ugly, and one that i feel the least i can do, is read about. No matter how hard it may be.

As a Mother these stories have such a different meaning to me than they did before.  To separate a mother from her child?  I can think of no greater evil.

In the current book that i am reading, a young boy--only 13,  is at Auschwitz and was recently separated from his sisters and Mother earlier that day. He is with his Father in torturous conditions. They are stripped naked, shaved bald and humiliated. He speaks of that first night in the camp. Standing in a room with no floor. Walls, but no roof and the smell of death all around him. He finally finds sleep.(while standing).  And he writes about his dream. He said, "I dreamed of a bed, my mothers hand on my face..."

Its not much. Not intense or dramatic. And he was soon awakened to the harsh realities of his current situation.

But for me, that line, that one tiny line touched deep in my heart.

Read it again, and think of your child dreaming that dream.  It hurts doesn't it?

It is such a great reminder of the power of our loving touch. The power of a Mother. How a child longs for the comforting, safe, love of their Momma.

It stirred me.  It awoken in me an even deeper desire to hold my children close.

I think about how we fuss with "baby wising" our kids, in hopes of getting them on a schedule. Or how we hurry through bed time, story time, for our own quiet space. How we always seem to get annoyed when they play in the bathroom instead of just brushing their teeth at night.  We regulate if we are parenting with "enough" rules or "not enough". Are they "problem solving" the way they should be. Maybe they should have more chores at this age? Lessen our loads. How can we grow them properly and quick enough so that we--as parents--aren't inconvenienced?

I hate that. All of it.

 Now don't get your panties all in a bunch 'cause i said something that almost offended you. I don't need to hear your opinion on "the importance of chores and getting them on a schedule". Or hear that facts on how "if kids can't read by 3 they will never get into College?"  Or "4 years in preschool is the new black." " Potty training at 7 months means my kid is on the fast track in life."  Basically, so many people try to imply--very passive aggressively--that their kid is going to be the valedictorian and  pretty much everyone else's kids will be wearing the dunce hat. To them, structure = succeeding at everything. (And if you are a new parent reading this, please don't ever fall into their unhappy little trap. Love your kid. That's all they need. You are never inadequate if you are present.)  Don't miss my point here, i am not ripping on structure, for i know it brings many benefits and positives. I only say sometimes we focus so heavily on the future that we actually end up missing the present. And that scares me.

We have a pretty intense bedtime routine at our house. With lots of stories, lots of kissing, lots of praying and then a final snuggle until we hear our kids breath change into that slow and constant rhythm--ensuring us of their complete transition into slumber.

Some night i just look over at my boy, as he lays peacefully, sleeping. And my heart feels like it may very well explode with my undying love for him. I just want to breath him in and never lose him.

And yet even when i know this and love it--some nights i just want to hurry bedtime.  And of course that is human and each day is different. We aren't robots and some days call for different things. But reading these stories have just reminded me, once again, that very important detail we sometimes miss in a day. Time. Touch. Freedom. Purity. Togetherness. Peace. Safety. Love.  No agenda. Just presence with one another.  Something not everyone has the luxury of giving. Something we would miss tremendously--if it were ripped from us.

Today my heart broke for the boy who longed for his Momma's loving touch but...... it wasn't there. For the boy who had to smell death  in the air as he watched the black smoke billow from the crematorium. For the boy who endured so much suffering for no good reason.

It reminds me, again, to look at my kids like the gifts that they are. The treasure that i hold so dear to my heart. Because when it all comes down to it--without the human connection--we have nothing.  

The time we waste chasing dreams, pursuing goals, furthering education, climbing up the corporate ladder, chasing the almighty dollar, taking care of #1--that all pales in comparison to our love and our flesh.  Our family.

And i, for one, want my kids to always know my touch. To long for it when they are scared. To reach for it in when they are hurt. To look to it for love. And I pray they are always able to find it.

Because, to me, nothing else in this whole wide world, even comes close to the enormity of that weight. The weight of being their Mom.

I wouldn't trade my job as Mom for anything in this whole wide world. Because if we lost our house--it would be a bummer. If we had no car--that would stink. If Jeromy's job was gone--it would be hard.

But i would lose it all--just to be able to put my hand on my children's cheek to reassure them of my love.


Because what if i lost that ability??


Oh how I would spend my whole life regretting those precious moments that i had missed....

Friends

Hi there!!

I feel like i have been on hiatus these past few weeks, maybe months.  I don't know if it been for lack of inspiration or what....

In fact, i find myself frequently quoting a movie, which a friend of mine wrote about a while back, that has just really stuck in my head. Its from one of my all time favorite movies, Dances with Wolves.  

"Why don't he write?" (thanks for the reminder, Angie L (ps if you want to watch that movie together any time, i'm totes IN))

I often say that to myself about myself.  Like, "why don't you write?"  And i don't really have the answer.

Nope, thats a lie. 

I've been burned of late.  Did you know that when you just put it all out there---it come back at ya?  Lol.

Yea, that can get annoying.

So many people are watching, judging, listening, questioning.  And as much as i want to say KNOCK IT OFF!!  I know i, too,  am a watcher and a listener. I hear what people say and then i watch to see if those actions match.

So that's why i took a break. Too many opinions that i didn't care to deal with.  In fact, i think i was sick of myself too.  But try getting away from me....its not an easy task!!

But today, as i sat at Caribou with one of my favorite friends, Angela, and we talked about everything under the sun and laughed and disagreed and gave our opinions and discussed all the worlds problems i felt happy. 

Just happy.

And ya know what?  When you haven't felt like that in a while, you recognize it quickly and you hold on to it dearly.

That Angela, i just love being with her. 

We always have so much to talk about, so many topics to cover, and so much to tell.  

And when i get to a gettin (like i can) about a topic that may stem from an obsessive patriotism that can come across a bit....errr......harsh.  Like i may have said something like "America--love it or leave it!" (insert pointed finger in her direction to really drive my point home)  She just chimes in to defend the other side. And i roll my eyes, forgetting how very liberal she is.  

But through it all, i can laugh. There is joy in my heart.  She reminds me that if she is silent she doesn't want me to assume that she agrees. So she tells me her thoughts regarding my soapbox stuff.  She even asked me today, "Have you been watching Fox News?" LOL.   Never is she condemning me or patronizing me, there is always a twinkle in her eyes and i know i am safe.

And that's a rare thing.

Its not something that we have to work at, its just easy being with her. Now, i don't know if she would say the same.....but i hope so :)  But our relationship had a bump in it. Kind of a big one. And i had to take a tiny step back for a second and evaluate if it was wroth the fight. And you know what? It was very worth the fight. I am thankful to this day that we chose to fight to stay friends. Cause she's just so great.

As i left Caribou today, i think the sun shone brighter.  I smiled a bit bigger.  

My friends. They are so very important to me.

I often think of another quote that is wildly popular right now. Its from the movie Frozen.

Olaf lights a fire to keep poor Anna warm--even though by choosing to care for her, he was choosing to put himself second.  Ya see, he's a snowman. (like anyone doesn't know) so the fire would melt him.

And the line every ones goes gaga over is when she panics and says "Olaf!! You're melting!"  and he responds, calmly, "Some people are worth melting for." 

Of course i like that line too, but its not like its a new concept for me.

I feel like there has been fires we walk through as friends and many times you have to choose to melt or to leave. To fight for it or against it.

And i like to fight for my friendships.  I wish everyone did.

A few years ago when i lost my friend Sarah, my heart hurt. Literally i was in a pain i had never felt, for a  whole year, until i decided that she was worth fighting for.  I would have stood by a fire and melted for her. And i finally realized that and I fought to tell her that and to mend all brokenness that was between us. I'd have eaten crow for days. I didn't care who did what. I just knew i wanted her back in my life. I missed her something fierce.

And ya know what. I am so thankful, to this day, that i couldn't forget her.  Cause i thought i wanted to. Can you believe it?  Who would want to be with out her? She's totally awesome.  And that fact that i can speak her name aloud now, with out hurting inside, is a good thing. Its something i have been forever changed by.  I learned through all of my failures as a friend to her what is valuable and what isn't. And there wasn't an opinion or a disagreement that i had with her that was EVER worth losing her over. 

I would mend  it a hundred times over.

There are friends in life that come and go (and squirrels, amiright?). And that is perfectly okay with me. The ebb and flow of life.  I am trying to learn to let it flow naturally. Though i want to hold everyone close and battle through the differences. 

But i've found recently that not everyone feels the same way.  Some people don't care as much. And i guess that s fine. But its not me. Heck, i'm trying to mend things with Jeromy's ex wife.....soooo, that tells you how totally nice i am! ;) Lol.

Ya see, i don't like brokenness  in things. Not in my people. Its not okay to break something and not repair it.  Because a broken thing that never gets fixed? Well, it just stays broken.

And' I'm not a fan of broken.

I know people sometimes call that weak. A person who thinks about a conversation or brings it back up trying to explain an opinion or an offense or a wrong doing. But that's not what i see. 

When you wrong someone, hurt them, ignore an olive branch.....Well, it burns my hide is what it does.

This world is full of meanies. Big ol selfish, "my life is way too busy for you" meanies. And i never want to be one of them.. I may be mean. But i won't break something and just walk away.....that, i can promise you!

And i was thinking about this today as i drove away from my wonderful friend, and i was thankful.  So thankful for all the good that God has placed in my life.

My kids may not have aunts and uncles that dote on them, they may have never received love from Jeromy's family, we may miss out of things, or have people who are particularly "irregular" in our life. But none of that outweighs the greatness that we do have. I may have friends that always leave me perplexed, or confused, or angry. I may second guess myself about 99% of the day with about 99% of the people i know. 

But then God just reminds me of all the good that He has given me. The people like my cousin who always is encouraging me with her kind words after reading a blog, my aunt who "likes" my stuff to show me she cares, or her daughter, who always reminds me when coffee is on sale at Caribou, or my amazing girls, from this state and Arizona, whom I  can have the quickest and longest and most confusing and funny conversation with via Facebook and it fills my heart with joy because i know and they know that there is nothing that we could do to break our friendship. Its people like my other friend who can get together at the drop of a hat and just seeing her can turn my day around, lickety split. Its having my Mother. She's just so much better than your moms. (Lol, see how i slipped that one in?) Its a surprisingly meaningful message from an old friend that encouraged me and filled my heart. Its a feeling that is so deep in my soul and it makes up who i am. Those "good people" in my life. My people. The people, whom, long before it was cool---i would melt for.

Today, i am so grateful for the gift of encouragement. Laughter. Smiles. Conversation. Opinions. Truth. 

My friends.  I'm so grateful for my friends........

..................................

......and television......I'm just really grateful for television too............. :)

Today, call your friend and laugh. It just makes life BETTER!!!

Oh no you didn't.

I could have predicted the outcome of my day just by the way i felt when i woke up.

There was no reason to feel it, but i woke up feeling cranky. Not like, crabby mad, but like there was something bugging me but i couldn't quite put my finger on it.

So, as I looked out my window, at the beautiful sun--shining in--i began to pray. For my kids, for our days, for this unusually odd feeling i was feeling.

I got he kids up and packed them all a special and healthy lunch. I was feeling productive. I had my makeup on, girls out the door, clothes together and gear ready to transfer to the car for my highly anticipated day with a friend.

I literally looked at the clock at about ten to 9 and consciously made myself wait to leave to bring Junior to preschool until 9 o'clock, exactly. Didn't want to be too early. But perfectly on time.

Nine o'clock came and i packed my gear, Junior begged to bring my Ipod, and i--well, i didn't agree--but he got it anyways. Nothing i could do--my hands were full.

So into the warming van we went.

And then i backed up.

And about half way down my driveway, i seemed to slant towards a snowdrift that had formed, unintentionally.

To which my van got hung up.

So i did a little maneuvering to try and get it unhung up.

To which i got more hungup.

To which my blood pressure began to rise--slightly.

I began to back up some more, in hopes to get out of this pickle.

I WAS IN MY DRIVEWAY FOR PETES SAKE!!!!

I was not getting stuck.

Not today.

Not in my driveway--no less.

Turns out, i didn't make the rules.

As i gently shifted from reverse to drive and back i found that i would get a bit unstuck, only to get re-stuck.

So then i opened the door and pushed my foot on the ground--as if--to help myself get unstuck.

I was feeling frustrated at this point.

I watched the minutes tick away as i mildly went from drive to reverse, drive to reverse, drives to reverse....

Soon the shift became aggressive.

Like i slammed that sucker into drive and then rocked it into reverse.

As if to punish my van for betraying me.

 Almost instantly my frustration turned to total and complete rage.

I may have passed out--i can't remember.

I only remember letting out loud, guttural, screams as i kicked my van and screamed "oh, no you won't!'

"Whyyyyyyy! Come ON!!  Not today...."

I looked around at the empty neighborhood through my blurred vision and spotted a neighbors husbands truck in the driveway.

As i got out my phone to text her, it was then, that i realized my fingers were possibly dead--as i had no gloves on and had been out in the -41 wind chill kicking my van and willing it to move for the past 20 minutes.

So instead, i called her.

And left a message.

In which i am pretty sure my opening line for her was a yell.

Like, "I'm stuck in my stupid driveway, in my stupid van, in the stupid cold, because we live in a stupid state...."

It wasn't until i hung up after asking if her hubby was home to help me--that i realized i possibly assaulted her via telephone message. Unintentionally.

(Sorry, Jen-clearly the problem is me!)

I got back into my van--where my son was happily playing that darn ipod and i screamed and cursed the day--to which he never even looked up.

I hit the gas a few more times--hard --you know--just to ensure i was really stuck. Like, permanently.

And then i just stood out in the snow......and yelled.

Like, from the depths of my soul--yelled.

Finally i decided that i was going to get Jeromy's truck out of the garage and just blow by this stinkin van, get Junior to school and likely never return. Ever again.

As i maneuvered the truck--in a very Austin Powers like way-- out of the garage and from rear facing to front, i drove about a foot from the vans bumper and got out.

I surveyed the situation.

I envisioned the sheer pleasure it would bring me to just blow through the van--with the truck. The satisfaction it would bring me at this point is unmeasurable.

I grabbed Junior and transferred all my crap from the van to the truck. And then I sat there.

Pondering this dumb idea.

I stared at the van and it stared back at me.

I had hoped to just squeeze by it but when it all come together there was NO way i could get through with out sideswiping them both and likely getting stuck again.

Can you imagine? I would have literally thrown myself off the roof at that point.

I stood out in the arctic weather and yelled.

Like fighting for my life--yell.

Like (fist to sky) "Whhyyyyyyy meeeeeee? Pleeeeeeease, help me, soooomeone!!""

So which only the wind answered back.

In a snide whisper.

"Nevvverrrrrrrr"

I swear i heard that.

At this point i honestly didn't know if i was gong to cry, scream, or have a heart attack.

The pain in my hands was so intense that i couldn't even think.

So finally i decided to grab a shovel and try to shovel my way out.

The words and thoughts that went through my head as i dug ...and dug... and dug.... my van out of the snowdrift--in my driveway--could make a sailor blush.

But i only thought em.

Sooooo, settle down already.

I let out a few more desperate cries as i finally cleared the snow and got back into the van to start it back up and do this dog and pony show, once again.

I looked forward at Junior, happily playing games on the ipod in the truck.

And then, I slammed the pedal to the floor--unable to hide my rage at the situation--and as my wheels smoked and spun..... the van sat still.

My blood boiled as i cranked that baby into reverse and did about 100mph as i watched the smoke bellow from my wheels.

i'm not proud here.

Its like i could actually hear Jeromy say slowly, "just give it a little gas."

But no way. Not today--if i was going down--i was going to go down in flames.

If i was seriously going to get stuck--in my driveway--i was going to bury these stinkin' tires to China.

Ya feel me.

At the last moment, i turned my wheel the opposite way--one last time--and i yelled out "Please, just help me!!"

And suddenly the van grabbed hold of the snow and i backed out of the driveway-- like a bat outta hell.

Seriously.

It happened.

And i just threw the van into park in the middle of the road--daring anyone to see it.

I got out of the van, went to the truck, told Junior to "get out, lets go" and made my way back to the van--arms full of stuff, fingers broken, thighs freezing and pits sweating.

Junior buckled in, i left that truck right in the middle of the driveway and  pulled away.

Trying desperately to calm my heart rate.

I called Jeromy--hoping he would answer so i could scream at him for nothing and blame him for everything that he had nothing to do with.

"why didn't you put up a snowfence in November!!!  Do you love no one!?......Waaaaa, crab, sigh, moan, wail....."

He just laughed.

I threw in some choice words to make my point and then ended with "I'm sorry. I know its not your fault, and i may have left a borderline threatening message on our neighbors answering machine, soooooo...."

As least i was out.

We got to Juniors school--45 minutes late.

And then he went to get out and i noticed his school bag, and lunch, weren't in the van.

We must have transferred them to the truck--in my fit of rage--and then i forgot as i drove away.....

.....in a fit of rage.

"oh, come on!!"  I said to my poor baby, who already felt bad, as i continued to remind him about the importance of being responsible.

We walked into school, and i laid it all out to the teacher helper, who only responded with silence....

To which my blood pressure began to increase.

I just wanted to get to my friends. I just wanted to get us a coffee and visit.

I had been looking forward to this for a week.

And now i had to figure out how to get Junior lunch.

My mom suggested SA so i ran there, grabbed him a gross ham sandwich, chips and a cheese stick.

And i flew back to school. Tried to over explain the lunch situation to the teacher helper---who only responded in silence--and then off i was.

To get a coffee.

At least i had this free drink on my rewards card.

After i ordered. I got stuck in the drive thru. Thanks to the 76 inches of ice.

But thankfully the huge, overconfident, truck behind me didn't seem one bit concerned as he sat on my tail and watched as i spun--uncontrollably--in place.

When i finally made it to the window.  i was angry. I wanted to slap the man when the window opened. Just because "Can anyone put flipping sand down--ANYWHERE?!?Its not like we live in California. Do your JOB!!"  

Truly, i wanted to beat him to the very grips of life. It brought me relief.

Again--i think the problem is my own.

I gave him my card and he informed me that my reward "wasn't for a drink, but for an added "flavor shot" in a drink."

(blink.......blink.....)

*Insert Kill Bill music here*

"Ahh, i see. Great. Thank you--LIKE WHO THE HECK WOULD ASK FOR A DISGUSTING *EXTRA* SHOT OF RASPBERRY? COME ON-- YOU GUYS ARE THE W-O-R-S-T!!! GUH--ROSS!!"

I said--as he pretended not to hear me at all.

I got the drinks anyways--obviously.

And as i drove away, i noticed they didn't even give me the BEAN on my mocha's!!!!!!!!!

It may have been my breaking point, i don't know. I only remember seeing red--my head literally opened up and fire came out of my skull!

Fast forward to Kwik trip--where i stopped to get donuts for my friend.

I basically got into a fist fight with the poor lady about the freshness of the donuts--gave her the finger--and left.

Okay, i didn't give her the finger--but that thought had crossed my mind about a trillion times in the last hour.

I arrived at my beautiful friends house, coffee in hand. I looked at the clock, only to realized that it was only 10:19 am.

What a morning.

I apologized about the bean sitch--told her my long, sad and drawn out story--and went back to the car for the donuts.

As i grabbed  the donuts and my other stuff i went back in. Got to the table. And saw that she had placed two chocolate covered expresso beans--of her own--onto the lid of my coffee. 


(blink......blink.....)



And it melted my frozen little heart, people.

My vision slowly returned.

My pulse began to slow.

And love--once again--began to fill my heart.

She's the BEST.

And winter is the WORST.

How was your morning?

Ya know what? Forget it--i don't even wanna know.