The hum drum days

This has been a......a tough......year.

Lots of things going on and lots of decisions and thought and plans for the future.

Here's what i have to say. Parenting is hard.

There are so many different stages of hard. 

There's the new mom stage of hard. The sleepless nights, the nursing, the transition from a girl, to a Mom. Theres new rashes, spit up, diapers, more prune juice--than less prune juice, first foods, rolling, crawling, walking, falling.

Then there's the new school age parent hard. We're flooded with questions. Will they be alright without me? Will kids be nice to them on the bus? What if someone is mean? They learn letters, sounds and words. Memorize sight words.  They do lunches, recess. Friends, birthday parties, new experiences, joys, book walks, carnivals. It becomes a new adventure that generally turns out okay. School. Kids seem to enjoy it.

Until they don't.

Next is the stage of school--without the perks of everything being shiny and new. School is just school. Another year for them, another day for them. The light is (or can be) gone from their little twinkling eyes.

That's when you enter the school's nothing new stage of parenting. And you start to watch your child. Wonder if they are happy. Hope they have some deep rooted friendships. Work with them to get good grades. Math, math, and more math happens as half of us adults are confused at their elementary aged homework(!). There's people who rub you (or your child) the wrong way. There is this new dance of letting them live and guiding them to be strong, curious, and free individuals upon the foundation that you (hopefully) built for them to stand on.  And its not easy.

Because what if you feel like maybe you didn't do it all right as a parent?

What if you watch other parents interact with their kids and you think, That's not how we do it? And then you wonder, ever-so-silently, if maybe that's why their kid behaves better. Acts better. Does better.

Its hard.

Especially when you aren't 100% sure.

I see the parents that toot their own horns. The ones with great kids. Self assured kids. Independent kids. Strong kids. Smart kids. Athletic kids. Respectful kids. Quiet spirited kids. Funny kids. Witty kids. Compassionate kids. Established kids. Confident kids.

It frustrates me to see people who think, though well intentioned, that their kids are this way because they made them that way.  They think they created this little robot and what they say goes.

"If you just do this (?) then your kids will (with no variables at all) do exactly that." Simple.

And sometimes it works.

But i am so aware of the difference in our kids bents. God made them with certain talents and strengths. And all i want so desperately to do is find that happy place for my child.

And try as we may to make them be like us, we simply can't.

I can't make my quiet introvert just "lighten up and join in". Believe me, i've tried.

And i can 't make my social butterfly, who's always in the middle of a group, sit by herself and not care.

And if i'm being honest, that makes for some really hard days.

Parenting, darnit anyhow, it such a hard thing.

To watch as you see your child feel hurt, wow--does that cut like a knife.

Right?

Every parent has experienced it on some level.

That's life. I understand that.

But doesn't it almost seem predictable that on those bad days you're having at your house, the days of self doubt and insecurity, that you sign onto facebook only to see your friend posted like the perfect picture of the perfect kid, doing the perfect thing at the perfect place on the perfect day.  Those are the days that i just looked at the computer and mutter, Shut up already! 

Or when money's tight at your house, doesn't it seem the whole wide world has up and flown to DISNEY WORLD! Ugh. Gag me already. (that's the jealously talking. I'm glad you all had a fun trip though. Good for you for working hard, being responsible, planning and being perfect!)

Last night as i lay in bed, i just allowed myself to to talk to God really honestly.

I said everything i was afraid to say.

I didn't start with words of thanksgiving. I started off listing all of my regrets, all of my fears, all of my "How come you haven't...." I was just having it out. I was being real. For a moment, in my prayers, it was just complaining to a friend. Everything. My deepest darkest desires and all of my frustrations and concerns.

And then i fell asleep.

Nothing wonderful happened. I didn't wake up renewed. I didn't wake up feeling fulfilled.

I just woke up.

To the same struggles of today that i suffered yesterday.

Life.

It can surely be a B word sometimes.

I'm constantly trying to think forward while i am remembering backwards.

I try to evaluate my future, predict it. And i feel like i may know it. I feel like i know the path that i will take. I know the struggles that i will have.

I think when i look to the future, i am such a realist......that i find i actually may border on pessimistic.

Like, because of this--i will deal with that. As if i know.

Sometimes i feel like my life is the movie Groundhogs day.

I can predict what will be the problem. What i will be doing at dinner time. How i will feel around 4 o'clock. And where i'll be sitting come 10 pm.

And lately--that's just not satisfying.

I just cry out to God to help me be better. To change.

But its almost like i can't.

Its just so hard.

Sometimes i feel like its too late. Damage is done.

I often think to myself, maybe i shouldn't have been so silly with them and had so much fun, because now they only like to have fun.  How do i complain about their room when i have clothes on my floor as well? How do you tell them to stop getting so mad.....when i'm mad?

Man.

Parenting is the pits when you hardly feel grown up enough to take care of yourself.

Its like two seconds ago i was playing basketball and egging houses and now here i am making the dinner, doing the laundry and raising up children.

How did this happen so fast!?

I'm bringing my child through their own school years already. Wasn't I just in school?

I'll tell ya what. School these days is a battle ground. And it ain't for the faint of heart.

Happiness. Its can be an elusive creature some days.

But we trudge on.

Right?

Because we're the mothers now.

And dinners not just gonna make itself, sister.

Don't conform.

Today, as i busy myself at home cleaning out my refrigerator and washing the dishes, i get the faint scent of farm--every time i move.

It wafts through my hair, off my clothes and into my nostrils like the glorious scent of all things good.

The smell of farm.

The smell of barn.

Makes me happy.  

I guess it has for awhile now.

Today i drove up to the farm where i get my milk.  And as usual, it was a trip i anticipated.  There's just something about driving North.

As i am home now, i think about those small farmers--my friends--and i am so glad to know them..

So glad for them. 

As the sun has been making its debut earlier and earlier these mornings and staying up later and later; with each passing day, i feel happy.

What makes me happy about going to the farm to get my milk isn't just the milk. It isn't just the people. It isn't the amazing amount of information that i gain each time. Its not even the fact that i can walk through and visit the cows if it want.

Its a combination of it all.

I can't describe it. My words can not depict the joy it brings me to be with salt of the earth people.

As i sat listening to the radio and doing dishes--smelling random reminders of my morning drifting through the air.  I felt so happy.

It felt like this, this, is what we are missing in the world.

Its whats wrong with the world.

The absence of good, hard working, knowledgeable people, who give 100% of their lives to something good. Something better. The select few who, without conscious thought, only know one gear: blood, sweat and tears. They give it all, 'cause its just what they do.

Where are more people like that?

You don't see them. Because they're busy looking up dumb facts on their phones, taking naps, watching days of netflix and taking double chinned selfies of themselves.

That's where our future sits, people.

In the hands of a different breed of humans.

The generation of "smart-phone-dummies".

Does no one get worried about that? 

Are we so sure of the path that we are taking that we never look up to check ourselves and to see if we are still heading in a direction that is good?

Or do we just accept it?

Our kids are hooked on pornography. Our kids use snapchat to communicate. Our kids are drinking $5 coffees, and talking on iphones that they don't even work to pay for!? They laugh out loud and expect you (the person sitting closest to them) to "get the joke" that they just read--ON THEIR PHONE! When they need information they don't sit and ponder it--forcing their dulled little brains to work, to actually think. No, they just ask Siri.

DOES NO ONE CARE!?!

I refuse to go with the flow on this. 

"Technology is our future".  Its always the same answer.

But instead of conforming to it, i have to ask myself , "should it be?"

Has it cured cancer?  Will it cure cancer?  Can it cure cancer?  In instances, yes--it has helped tremendously.

But has it also killed our nation? Has texting worthless and frivolous texts killed our loved ones? Are kids missing because they met a man who said he was a child on a social media site? Are 12 year olds attempting to kill their classmates because "slender man" told them to? Is bullying a classmate or filming a fight resulting in mass child suicide because kids can't handle this stuff? Is that really the way our future is headed?

Whaaaat the WHAT?! 

What has the benefit of having the internet--attached to you at every moment of every day--really done except entitle us to instant gratification in all areas of our life?

Parents are fighting an invisible battle (if they are even fighting at all).  How do you help a child find balance in a world of app after app after app?  How do you save a child from drowning in the pressure of peers when the fight is often invisible to the parents. How can you protect when there is a new account that gets set up, a new app to hide themselves and a new person tormenting or tempting your child all via the world wide web.

You can not protect, nor prepare a child for this. I don't believe it. Something, someone will sweep them away when no one is looking. Because how CAN we be looking? Its nearly impossible.

Does no one care!

I feel like a broken record these days. All you cynics can point out that posting an anti technology blog using the exact technology that i am fighting to be ironic. 

Its not. 

You're not being cute by saying it.  I'm a grown up, with a computer that plugs into the wall that doesn't have to be with me at all times.  So spare me, mmmkay.

Does technology have a purpose? Absolutely. 

But is the need to communicate through it, by it, on, and and in it 24/7 healthy for our already undiscilplined youth a good thing? Absolutely not.

I'll fight it tooth and nail at this house.

I can promise you that.

And i hope other parents finally put their foot down and stop conforming. 

Just say, "No!" for heavens sake.

No they don't need a phone that distracts them from their school work, they don't need itunes being streamed into their little mushy brains all day and night, they don't need to know what is going on around them through every social media sight.

Tell 'em to pick up a shovel, already!!

For the love of all that is good--make your kid sweat.

Make your kid work.

Make your kids feel the sunshine.

Make your child think.

So that the rest of us don't have to live in a world of self indulgent, spoiled, self-righteous, entitled, little dummies!

I know i am passionate about this. And i know 99% of you can make an excuse why your kid isn't one of "those kids".

And maybe you're right.

But i doubt it.

Today i smell like barn. I am relaxed, i am grateful, and i am content--knowing that good does exist and that i will do everything in my power to raise a salt of the earth household. They may not be perfect--heaven knows--but at least they will face life with their head UP........instead of looking down at a screen.

Of that, i can promise you.

Now, go dig a hole already.

Winter.

And so it begins......

Winter.

In Minnesota.

Uffda....

Let me start by saying i am not one of those people. You know the ones, the ones that sit and complain about the cold weather, like all. the. time. The ones who use every opportunity to complain about the cold, the snow, the wind, the ice, the winter.

I've never been a fan of those people.

I feel we have a responsibility to be loyal to our State.  Equal to the one we should have for our family and our friends.

"Stop rippin' on her" i think. Yes, she's cold, we get that, we know that, and we accept her for who she is. But she's not all bad. She gives us 4 beautiful seasons, transforms the landscape into an artists dream every fall, gently soothes us to sleep in the spring with her gentle rains and warms us to perfection in the Summer.

I love her.

I love my Minnesota.

It where my roots are, so it's where i am.

But for the first time, in 33 years, last night when i let my dog out before bed, and i opened the screen door to feel the winds whipping up snow at my face, and heard the intense jingle of my wind chimes.....its like the cold actually settled inside me.

And it was an ugly feeling.

I closed the door quickly and tightened my robe, this could be a long one, this winter we must endure yet again.

And as i slid into bed and pulled the covers high up to my chin i started to think, nay, to panic about the impending doom we Minnesotans were about to embark upon.

And i tried, i did, i tried to be positive. I tried to be loyal. I tried to find the silver lining. But i couldn't.  All i could think of was why the heck did our ancestors stop here--it must have been Fall. It had to be Fall. Because only fall could intoxicate a person enough to make them stop and set up camp. Darn you beautiful Fall. Darn you.

So as i lay there, shuttering as the wind beat aggressively against my window, i started to think about the fact that our van is just cold blooded. She's a stubborn ol' girl who likes to run cold. (or at least that's what Jeromy and i like to say to make ourselves feel better as our teeth chatter when we are in it) That van just doesn't heat up. Like literally.

And ya know what else?

 I lost the filter to my wet vac and that really started to bug me!! If i could just get a new filter, then i think i would feel better about this winter. Right?

Which lead me to thing.....

Are the chicks okay? Are they too cold? Shoot. Another winter laying in bed wondering if they're gonna make it.

Yea, ya wanna hear more?

My entryway mat was soaked from all the boot travel yesterday!! And that stunk.

More you say?

My van got so stuck in the driveway yesterday!! And that caused me to flash back to last year when i got stuck and i seriously think i was going to have a nervous break down, cursing the snow and screaming as i froze and dug my way out!!

This is too soon. It just can't be that time of year again.

I'm a lady. I like to take things slow, Winter.

And this is much too fast. 



And how is it that the kids gloves, ALREADY, are like constantly soaked? I can't keep up with this.

And the bottom of my freshly washed socks?  Ohh, they're damp because i accidentally stepped on that entry way rug!!

And ain't  NO ONE LIKES DAMP SOCKS, girrrrl!!!

At least all the kids snow pants fit them exactly like Steve Urkel's pants fit him. So that's great.

Not yet, Winter, just give us a few more weeks.

Here i sit, after a weekend with my husband away hunting, and then a snow day, and now a 2 hour school delay. My kids are standing on that wet entry way mat, because they went outside, "just to test their pants" and ended up playing in the snow like crazy people (aka: kids) and now....THEIR MITTENS ARE SOAKED!!!!! So there i made them stand. For the next 10 minutes, till that every lovin' bus gets here. And the dryer is a hummin' as i attempt to speed dry those darn $1 knit mittens.

Winter,


Its not you.....


....its me.......



......actually, its you.  Its most definitely you.

I've tried. I have.

We all have.

As i drove to my Moms house yesterday morning, all my precious cargo in tow, i thought, "i am a straight up cuckoo bird." It seems whenever the weather gets real bad.....i get in the van. That cold blooded hog.

I stopped at Holiday to get a few donuts and as i opened the door to that unfamiliar (and yet so familiar) gust of snow/wind hit my face, all i could do was gasp for air and run inside.

Inside, i saw other Minnesotans, we gave each other the eye, the "i know, right?" look. It felt special.
Its that same moment that i feel so often, in  the winter,  in Minnesota. Pride.

I'm proud to be a Minnesotan. I am. We're tough as they come. Dumb, maybe. But super tough.  I mean, we're much likelier to get MS someday,  but we're tough. Have i mentioned we're tough? 'Cause that's all we have for the next 6 months. We're tough.  So ya better hang your hat on that one, 'cause its here to stay.

After my special love moment passed inside Holiday,  i got back into the car and though, Yep, we ARE in these trenches together people. We're a team. And i love you.

But as i drove a bit further i thought, Team?? These people are crazy, these people aren't my team, these people could very well become my MURDERED with only one turn of the wheel!

So i stopped thinking and just focused on the road. And then flicked off the next person to drive past me. Just to let em' know who's the boss out here.

 (just kidding, Mom)


Winter.

I'm not saying i wanna break up.



....I just need some space.