Friends

Hi there!!

I feel like i have been on hiatus these past few weeks, maybe months.  I don't know if it been for lack of inspiration or what....

In fact, i find myself frequently quoting a movie, which a friend of mine wrote about a while back, that has just really stuck in my head. Its from one of my all time favorite movies, Dances with Wolves.  

"Why don't he write?" (thanks for the reminder, Angie L (ps if you want to watch that movie together any time, i'm totes IN))

I often say that to myself about myself.  Like, "why don't you write?"  And i don't really have the answer.

Nope, thats a lie. 

I've been burned of late.  Did you know that when you just put it all out there---it come back at ya?  Lol.

Yea, that can get annoying.

So many people are watching, judging, listening, questioning.  And as much as i want to say KNOCK IT OFF!!  I know i, too,  am a watcher and a listener. I hear what people say and then i watch to see if those actions match.

So that's why i took a break. Too many opinions that i didn't care to deal with.  In fact, i think i was sick of myself too.  But try getting away from me....its not an easy task!!

But today, as i sat at Caribou with one of my favorite friends, Angela, and we talked about everything under the sun and laughed and disagreed and gave our opinions and discussed all the worlds problems i felt happy. 

Just happy.

And ya know what?  When you haven't felt like that in a while, you recognize it quickly and you hold on to it dearly.

That Angela, i just love being with her. 

We always have so much to talk about, so many topics to cover, and so much to tell.  

And when i get to a gettin (like i can) about a topic that may stem from an obsessive patriotism that can come across a bit....errr......harsh.  Like i may have said something like "America--love it or leave it!" (insert pointed finger in her direction to really drive my point home)  She just chimes in to defend the other side. And i roll my eyes, forgetting how very liberal she is.  

But through it all, i can laugh. There is joy in my heart.  She reminds me that if she is silent she doesn't want me to assume that she agrees. So she tells me her thoughts regarding my soapbox stuff.  She even asked me today, "Have you been watching Fox News?" LOL.   Never is she condemning me or patronizing me, there is always a twinkle in her eyes and i know i am safe.

And that's a rare thing.

Its not something that we have to work at, its just easy being with her. Now, i don't know if she would say the same.....but i hope so :)  But our relationship had a bump in it. Kind of a big one. And i had to take a tiny step back for a second and evaluate if it was wroth the fight. And you know what? It was very worth the fight. I am thankful to this day that we chose to fight to stay friends. Cause she's just so great.

As i left Caribou today, i think the sun shone brighter.  I smiled a bit bigger.  

My friends. They are so very important to me.

I often think of another quote that is wildly popular right now. Its from the movie Frozen.

Olaf lights a fire to keep poor Anna warm--even though by choosing to care for her, he was choosing to put himself second.  Ya see, he's a snowman. (like anyone doesn't know) so the fire would melt him.

And the line every ones goes gaga over is when she panics and says "Olaf!! You're melting!"  and he responds, calmly, "Some people are worth melting for." 

Of course i like that line too, but its not like its a new concept for me.

I feel like there has been fires we walk through as friends and many times you have to choose to melt or to leave. To fight for it or against it.

And i like to fight for my friendships.  I wish everyone did.

A few years ago when i lost my friend Sarah, my heart hurt. Literally i was in a pain i had never felt, for a  whole year, until i decided that she was worth fighting for.  I would have stood by a fire and melted for her. And i finally realized that and I fought to tell her that and to mend all brokenness that was between us. I'd have eaten crow for days. I didn't care who did what. I just knew i wanted her back in my life. I missed her something fierce.

And ya know what. I am so thankful, to this day, that i couldn't forget her.  Cause i thought i wanted to. Can you believe it?  Who would want to be with out her? She's totally awesome.  And that fact that i can speak her name aloud now, with out hurting inside, is a good thing. Its something i have been forever changed by.  I learned through all of my failures as a friend to her what is valuable and what isn't. And there wasn't an opinion or a disagreement that i had with her that was EVER worth losing her over. 

I would mend  it a hundred times over.

There are friends in life that come and go (and squirrels, amiright?). And that is perfectly okay with me. The ebb and flow of life.  I am trying to learn to let it flow naturally. Though i want to hold everyone close and battle through the differences. 

But i've found recently that not everyone feels the same way.  Some people don't care as much. And i guess that s fine. But its not me. Heck, i'm trying to mend things with Jeromy's ex wife.....soooo, that tells you how totally nice i am! ;) Lol.

Ya see, i don't like brokenness  in things. Not in my people. Its not okay to break something and not repair it.  Because a broken thing that never gets fixed? Well, it just stays broken.

And' I'm not a fan of broken.

I know people sometimes call that weak. A person who thinks about a conversation or brings it back up trying to explain an opinion or an offense or a wrong doing. But that's not what i see. 

When you wrong someone, hurt them, ignore an olive branch.....Well, it burns my hide is what it does.

This world is full of meanies. Big ol selfish, "my life is way too busy for you" meanies. And i never want to be one of them.. I may be mean. But i won't break something and just walk away.....that, i can promise you!

And i was thinking about this today as i drove away from my wonderful friend, and i was thankful.  So thankful for all the good that God has placed in my life.

My kids may not have aunts and uncles that dote on them, they may have never received love from Jeromy's family, we may miss out of things, or have people who are particularly "irregular" in our life. But none of that outweighs the greatness that we do have. I may have friends that always leave me perplexed, or confused, or angry. I may second guess myself about 99% of the day with about 99% of the people i know. 

But then God just reminds me of all the good that He has given me. The people like my cousin who always is encouraging me with her kind words after reading a blog, my aunt who "likes" my stuff to show me she cares, or her daughter, who always reminds me when coffee is on sale at Caribou, or my amazing girls, from this state and Arizona, whom I  can have the quickest and longest and most confusing and funny conversation with via Facebook and it fills my heart with joy because i know and they know that there is nothing that we could do to break our friendship. Its people like my other friend who can get together at the drop of a hat and just seeing her can turn my day around, lickety split. Its having my Mother. She's just so much better than your moms. (Lol, see how i slipped that one in?) Its a surprisingly meaningful message from an old friend that encouraged me and filled my heart. Its a feeling that is so deep in my soul and it makes up who i am. Those "good people" in my life. My people. The people, whom, long before it was cool---i would melt for.

Today, i am so grateful for the gift of encouragement. Laughter. Smiles. Conversation. Opinions. Truth. 

My friends.  I'm so grateful for my friends........

..................................

......and television......I'm just really grateful for television too............. :)

Today, call your friend and laugh. It just makes life BETTER!!!

Oh no you didn't.

I could have predicted the outcome of my day just by the way i felt when i woke up.

There was no reason to feel it, but i woke up feeling cranky. Not like, crabby mad, but like there was something bugging me but i couldn't quite put my finger on it.

So, as I looked out my window, at the beautiful sun--shining in--i began to pray. For my kids, for our days, for this unusually odd feeling i was feeling.

I got he kids up and packed them all a special and healthy lunch. I was feeling productive. I had my makeup on, girls out the door, clothes together and gear ready to transfer to the car for my highly anticipated day with a friend.

I literally looked at the clock at about ten to 9 and consciously made myself wait to leave to bring Junior to preschool until 9 o'clock, exactly. Didn't want to be too early. But perfectly on time.

Nine o'clock came and i packed my gear, Junior begged to bring my Ipod, and i--well, i didn't agree--but he got it anyways. Nothing i could do--my hands were full.

So into the warming van we went.

And then i backed up.

And about half way down my driveway, i seemed to slant towards a snowdrift that had formed, unintentionally.

To which my van got hung up.

So i did a little maneuvering to try and get it unhung up.

To which i got more hungup.

To which my blood pressure began to rise--slightly.

I began to back up some more, in hopes to get out of this pickle.

I WAS IN MY DRIVEWAY FOR PETES SAKE!!!!

I was not getting stuck.

Not today.

Not in my driveway--no less.

Turns out, i didn't make the rules.

As i gently shifted from reverse to drive and back i found that i would get a bit unstuck, only to get re-stuck.

So then i opened the door and pushed my foot on the ground--as if--to help myself get unstuck.

I was feeling frustrated at this point.

I watched the minutes tick away as i mildly went from drive to reverse, drive to reverse, drives to reverse....

Soon the shift became aggressive.

Like i slammed that sucker into drive and then rocked it into reverse.

As if to punish my van for betraying me.

 Almost instantly my frustration turned to total and complete rage.

I may have passed out--i can't remember.

I only remember letting out loud, guttural, screams as i kicked my van and screamed "oh, no you won't!'

"Whyyyyyyy! Come ON!!  Not today...."

I looked around at the empty neighborhood through my blurred vision and spotted a neighbors husbands truck in the driveway.

As i got out my phone to text her, it was then, that i realized my fingers were possibly dead--as i had no gloves on and had been out in the -41 wind chill kicking my van and willing it to move for the past 20 minutes.

So instead, i called her.

And left a message.

In which i am pretty sure my opening line for her was a yell.

Like, "I'm stuck in my stupid driveway, in my stupid van, in the stupid cold, because we live in a stupid state...."

It wasn't until i hung up after asking if her hubby was home to help me--that i realized i possibly assaulted her via telephone message. Unintentionally.

(Sorry, Jen-clearly the problem is me!)

I got back into my van--where my son was happily playing that darn ipod and i screamed and cursed the day--to which he never even looked up.

I hit the gas a few more times--hard --you know--just to ensure i was really stuck. Like, permanently.

And then i just stood out in the snow......and yelled.

Like, from the depths of my soul--yelled.

Finally i decided that i was going to get Jeromy's truck out of the garage and just blow by this stinkin van, get Junior to school and likely never return. Ever again.

As i maneuvered the truck--in a very Austin Powers like way-- out of the garage and from rear facing to front, i drove about a foot from the vans bumper and got out.

I surveyed the situation.

I envisioned the sheer pleasure it would bring me to just blow through the van--with the truck. The satisfaction it would bring me at this point is unmeasurable.

I grabbed Junior and transferred all my crap from the van to the truck. And then I sat there.

Pondering this dumb idea.

I stared at the van and it stared back at me.

I had hoped to just squeeze by it but when it all come together there was NO way i could get through with out sideswiping them both and likely getting stuck again.

Can you imagine? I would have literally thrown myself off the roof at that point.

I stood out in the arctic weather and yelled.

Like fighting for my life--yell.

Like (fist to sky) "Whhyyyyyyy meeeeeee? Pleeeeeeease, help me, soooomeone!!""

So which only the wind answered back.

In a snide whisper.

"Nevvverrrrrrrr"

I swear i heard that.

At this point i honestly didn't know if i was gong to cry, scream, or have a heart attack.

The pain in my hands was so intense that i couldn't even think.

So finally i decided to grab a shovel and try to shovel my way out.

The words and thoughts that went through my head as i dug ...and dug... and dug.... my van out of the snowdrift--in my driveway--could make a sailor blush.

But i only thought em.

Sooooo, settle down already.

I let out a few more desperate cries as i finally cleared the snow and got back into the van to start it back up and do this dog and pony show, once again.

I looked forward at Junior, happily playing games on the ipod in the truck.

And then, I slammed the pedal to the floor--unable to hide my rage at the situation--and as my wheels smoked and spun..... the van sat still.

My blood boiled as i cranked that baby into reverse and did about 100mph as i watched the smoke bellow from my wheels.

i'm not proud here.

Its like i could actually hear Jeromy say slowly, "just give it a little gas."

But no way. Not today--if i was going down--i was going to go down in flames.

If i was seriously going to get stuck--in my driveway--i was going to bury these stinkin' tires to China.

Ya feel me.

At the last moment, i turned my wheel the opposite way--one last time--and i yelled out "Please, just help me!!"

And suddenly the van grabbed hold of the snow and i backed out of the driveway-- like a bat outta hell.

Seriously.

It happened.

And i just threw the van into park in the middle of the road--daring anyone to see it.

I got out of the van, went to the truck, told Junior to "get out, lets go" and made my way back to the van--arms full of stuff, fingers broken, thighs freezing and pits sweating.

Junior buckled in, i left that truck right in the middle of the driveway and  pulled away.

Trying desperately to calm my heart rate.

I called Jeromy--hoping he would answer so i could scream at him for nothing and blame him for everything that he had nothing to do with.

"why didn't you put up a snowfence in November!!!  Do you love no one!?......Waaaaa, crab, sigh, moan, wail....."

He just laughed.

I threw in some choice words to make my point and then ended with "I'm sorry. I know its not your fault, and i may have left a borderline threatening message on our neighbors answering machine, soooooo...."

As least i was out.

We got to Juniors school--45 minutes late.

And then he went to get out and i noticed his school bag, and lunch, weren't in the van.

We must have transferred them to the truck--in my fit of rage--and then i forgot as i drove away.....

.....in a fit of rage.

"oh, come on!!"  I said to my poor baby, who already felt bad, as i continued to remind him about the importance of being responsible.

We walked into school, and i laid it all out to the teacher helper, who only responded with silence....

To which my blood pressure began to increase.

I just wanted to get to my friends. I just wanted to get us a coffee and visit.

I had been looking forward to this for a week.

And now i had to figure out how to get Junior lunch.

My mom suggested SA so i ran there, grabbed him a gross ham sandwich, chips and a cheese stick.

And i flew back to school. Tried to over explain the lunch situation to the teacher helper---who only responded in silence--and then off i was.

To get a coffee.

At least i had this free drink on my rewards card.

After i ordered. I got stuck in the drive thru. Thanks to the 76 inches of ice.

But thankfully the huge, overconfident, truck behind me didn't seem one bit concerned as he sat on my tail and watched as i spun--uncontrollably--in place.

When i finally made it to the window.  i was angry. I wanted to slap the man when the window opened. Just because "Can anyone put flipping sand down--ANYWHERE?!?Its not like we live in California. Do your JOB!!"  

Truly, i wanted to beat him to the very grips of life. It brought me relief.

Again--i think the problem is my own.

I gave him my card and he informed me that my reward "wasn't for a drink, but for an added "flavor shot" in a drink."

(blink.......blink.....)

*Insert Kill Bill music here*

"Ahh, i see. Great. Thank you--LIKE WHO THE HECK WOULD ASK FOR A DISGUSTING *EXTRA* SHOT OF RASPBERRY? COME ON-- YOU GUYS ARE THE W-O-R-S-T!!! GUH--ROSS!!"

I said--as he pretended not to hear me at all.

I got the drinks anyways--obviously.

And as i drove away, i noticed they didn't even give me the BEAN on my mocha's!!!!!!!!!

It may have been my breaking point, i don't know. I only remember seeing red--my head literally opened up and fire came out of my skull!

Fast forward to Kwik trip--where i stopped to get donuts for my friend.

I basically got into a fist fight with the poor lady about the freshness of the donuts--gave her the finger--and left.

Okay, i didn't give her the finger--but that thought had crossed my mind about a trillion times in the last hour.

I arrived at my beautiful friends house, coffee in hand. I looked at the clock, only to realized that it was only 10:19 am.

What a morning.

I apologized about the bean sitch--told her my long, sad and drawn out story--and went back to the car for the donuts.

As i grabbed  the donuts and my other stuff i went back in. Got to the table. And saw that she had placed two chocolate covered expresso beans--of her own--onto the lid of my coffee. 


(blink......blink.....)



And it melted my frozen little heart, people.

My vision slowly returned.

My pulse began to slow.

And love--once again--began to fill my heart.

She's the BEST.

And winter is the WORST.

How was your morning?

Ya know what? Forget it--i don't even wanna know.

a mothers weakness

When i became a mother, i became weak.

I think back to my days before i was a Mom and i can hardly remember them. They hardly made much of an impact.  The days when i was a grown up, but not a mother.

What did i even do?

I suppose i actually slept through the night.  I bet i could go see movies whenever i wanted. I could go out late and sleep in.  Although i never was one for sleeping in.

But until i became a mother--none of that really mattered.

Sure it was life, and i lived it. Not even that fully.  But i lived.

And now as i look back i can remember that day, that moment, as if it were yesterday.

This intense love that you can't put  into words. A new found fear of any harm coming to this little human. A huge responsibility to be in charge of someones future--their well being. Truly living with your heart outside your body.

It changed me.

In ways i never could have imagined.

Suddenly i thought of my step children. Who were 7 and i panicked at the thought of them eating carrots. I clearly remember that thought going through my mind. Like HOW does a 7 year old eat a carrot and not choke?!? What if they choked?

And i remember watching my cousin hold my new born 5 pound 10 ounce baby girl--in her high heels--and fearing (borderline panicking) that her shoes may break and she would drop my child!!

I remember being in awe of God and amazed that he made our arms just for holding a child.

Those were just my thought that first day in the hospital.

Life was forever changed.

I was a Mom.

And now today, thought the fears have evolved -from fearing someone might choke on a bitter biscuit, to bumping their head on the coffee table when learning to crawl, from falling off a couch, to crashing on their bike--they are always with me.

A fear.

A protectiveness.

I'm not the mother to just let my child learn her own lessons. I don't just cling to the assumption that kids are resilient.

I worry.  I pray. I worry more. And then I pray even harder.

My 8 year old decided to go to a little church "lock in" if you will, last night.

From 7 pm to 7 am. She was going to be away from me.

And i kind of panicked about it.  I anticipated it. I tried to smile. I encouraged.

But in reality i just wanted her to be home with me and never leave.

But i decided i needed to let her "grow up" to experience these things. After all, i do overprotect.

So last night as i drove through the slippery roads to church, with my living and breathing HEART in the back seat, i felt scared.

As i walked into church and looked around at the other rambunctious kids running around with their friends, i held my breath.

We checked in and Ruby looked around for a friend. To which she found none.  So we sat on the bench and waited.

Finally her little friend came in and we tried to cling to them. They weren't as worried as we were--obviously.

So as her friend ran off to play with someone else, Ruby quietly turned her face into my body and hid her tears as she whispered "I was afraid this was going to happen..."

I knew what she meant, but didn't know what to do.  We can't make people understand our fear. We can't expect them to know we just need someones hand. An offer to come join the fun.

So we sat on the bench.

I had my arm around her, as if to warn the other kids--you mess with her, you mess with me.

So there we sat. Both silently fearing different things.

But smiling at each other--in hopes of protecting them

I tired to joke with her,  "Come on--this is lame, lets go home and snuggle forever!"  But she only responded with a smile "Moooom, don't say that."

I had a lump in my throat. It snuck up on me---but it was there.

How do people leave their kids. Why is everyone smiling. How do these kids even know each other so well.?

Finally another of Rubys (2 friends) came. And Ruby smiled and they stood together.  I took a picture.

And watched as Ruby tried to keep up with her.

Hurting the whole time, i grabbed her and prayed one last time as i wrapped my arms around her.

And then i left.

And i can not confirm or deny if there was weeping and gnashing of teeth in my van as i drove away.

But i can say, it was unexpected.

So off i drove, contemplating life.

Who we are?

Why did  i agreed to this?

I evaluated the different types of parents in the world and thought of the differences in their choices.

I know people who leave their kids for weeks at a time and don't bat an eye and then i have friends who can't even let their kids go to a birthday party at an Apple Orchard with out sending her Mom along--for protection.

And you know what?  Why wouldn't we want to protect them.?

What some see as neurotic, i see as loving.

I didn't have a kid to just let her learn leassons on her own. Just because she can do something, doesn't mean that she should.

Just because its the "norm" in society doesn't mean its the "norm" for our family.

You can call it a helicopter parent.

I just call it a parent.

I carried those babies in my body--and i will NOT pretend that their pain doesn't hurt me ten times full.

I drove away from the church and called Jeromy and immediately told him that  "This is a bad idea. We aren't "those" people. We don't find our identity in being overly involved in things. We don't need to be so involved in the church to profess we love Jesus!!! We can love Jesus while sitting in a heap-together- on the couch...like a little family of raccoons."

Jeromy just quietly agreed, thought i think he was just watching TV as i had a nervous break down.

All i wanted to do was go to bed so i could get back up and see my girl.

Being a mother at home without her child is like being a ship--with out a sea, a bird--without wings, A mother--without her heart.

And i hated it.

So last night, as i woke up every hour on the hour and checked my watch, i anticipated picking her up. I was excited to get her back in my car.

Though i did dream about the Russians again, and it was not a good dream, but in the end i ended up in a foxhole and shot the bad guy. SOooo.....that made for a peaceful night on top of the waking up every hour.

Yeesh.

Finally 6:15 came and i got up and headed to the car.

Anxious.

As i drove out of the neighborhood it was so beautiful. So silent. It like i was a part of a secret. And i loved it.

I think i'll do that more often.

I drove on the slippery road and couldn't get to church fast enough.

Finally i arrived, makeup free and in a hat--which tells you how bad i wanted to get there.  I feel like if there is anything, there's always time for a little mascara. Amiright.

Anywho.

I got into the church and heard Ruby had fun. But couldn't find Ruby.

And only with in a moment was i able to go into complete internal panic as i looked for her.

Finally someone spotted her --in a heap--in the middle of the floor, covered in her coat, on top of her pillow.
I laughed as i saw her and walked her way.

I talked to her and visited until i realized that she wasn't even talking back so i peaked under her hood only to see tears falling down her little cheeks.

I quickly knelt next to her and whispered "Are you crying cause you are tired or did something happen?"

She managed to whimper that she had a stomach ache so i scooped her up and said "lets get outta here."

In the car ride home. I was silent. Thought i wanted to talk, i knew she wanted the quiet.

I looked back in the rearview mirror to smile at her once in a while.

The ride seemed to take hours.

As we were closer to home, i asked her if she was feeling better now that she was with Mom? And she nodded.

Then i said, "You just need to get home, honey. Everything will be better at home."

And that's when it hit me. That is my montra in life.

We were at Jellystone as a family and all i longed for was home.  I was at camp as a kid, and all i longed for was home. I went to college, and all i longed for was home. I went scrappbooking a few weeks ago, and i left after a day, cause "i just wanna get home."

Home truly IS where the heart is. And as long as ours is beating and the kids are happy--that's where we're gonna stay!

Five minutes after walking in the door, my girl was passed out on the couch--and all was right in the world again!! :)