"No" is better--but not easier.

Today has been the end of a long week--to say the least.

This morning Jeromy and i both were having to go our separate ways. One to Ruby's basketball game and one to Juniors hockey practice.  And we aren't a family that likes splitting up-or being busy-for that matter.

But then as we were racing around getting ready i double checked the schedule and it turned out that we could actually go to both games--all together.

So as i was loading up the stuff and Jeromy was taking care of the chickens i suddenly realized that I may have choir practice for the Christmas program at church this morning as well.

...i frantically checked old emails--praying that we didn't have it today.

But alas, we did.

The practice was from 9 to 12.  It was now about 9:35 and i ran outside and informed Jeromy that i had practice and asked if he could manage getting the kids to both things without me.  He said "yes".....but it sounded alot more like "no".  (ya feel me, ladies?)

So instantly i felt torn. I don't like missing my kids stuff.  Even if i leave them in the capable hands of their Dad, i still like to be at everything.

Cause they're my kids. Why wouldn't i be there?

My parents didn't miss my games--and that is a wonderful memory for me. And i am determined to make it theirs as well.

So then i--lets say argued--with Jeromy about what to do....

I threw up my hands and just decided that i would have to forfeit the program.  But i wasn't happy about it and now was mad about the way our conversation had taken a turn....

In the car i stewed--quietly--frustrated.  I though about all the things that men do and then i thought about how us women just adjust to make it work for them. And honestly, i felt like it was unfair that he couldn't "adjust" today to make it possible for me to go.  Though if you ask him now--i'm sure he would say he would have. (funny, huh?)

If you're a wife of a hunter, this feelings tends to occur right around the end of November.  I'm sure others women recognize this.

So as i sat and watched my girl play (and i use that word lightly today) basketball, i loved it. Like i always do.

I love being with my kids. I feel obligated to be there for them. And i absolutely enjoy it and wouldn't want to do anything else.

I feel like i have to be at the parties they go to, the practices, the games---anything.

Not in a helicopter way--but in a Mom way. I bore these little buggars--why wouldn't i invest fully in them?

So, as we grabbed a bite to eat and headed up towards the rink--the frustration of having to give up any thoughts of me doing something fun-- started to fade.

And it only strengthened my already strong opinion on the value of being there for my kids and how sometimes even when we want to say "yes" to ourselves, we have to say "no."

And that doesn't mean we are deprived, because we aren't entitled.  It means we tip toe the line between sanity and overcommitment. And i never want to land on the side of over committed.

I don't want to have to arrange rides and sitter and ask others for help on a weekly basis because i overbooked my life--and my kids.

As i talked myself off the edge, i assured myself that this was the right choice and one that i believed in anyways.

Sometimes we have to say no to our own wants.  And that's okay.

Too many women i know schedule, schedule and re-schedule their lives and fill their calendar like its Christmas. Unable to deviate from their deadlines or commitments.

We are so overly committed. Mostly to self.  Though no one would admit that.  People give into society and into the pressure of getting kids started young. Or they're afraid if they miss this event they will be the odd ball out, because even if we can't afford it or don't have the time for it--our kids are doing it!

I'm sure a few faces pop into your minds as you read this. Because we all know that person.

And today i reminded myself that i have never agreed with that way of living---and then i actually had to say "no" to something to ensure i didn't fall into the very tempting trap.  And i gotta say--its easier said than done.  But i am determined to stand firm in this.

We are an entitled people. Generation.  By never saying "no" and never being home with time on our hands---we are affirming, an already entitled generation, that your worth is synonymous with your calendar.

And that is the opposite of truth.

I know for me, value lays in my family.  Even when we aren't  perfectly happy or when we're perfectly frustrated, that is where i want to invest the most.  Their little futures depend on it.

Sanity.  Stillness. Peace. Being able to play--and waste time.  Those are very big deals.

Sometimes we forget that no means no, mister.

I deal with adults that can't even register this one. No doesn't mean no. Its only means "wait" until they can make enough racket to change it into a yes. To benefit ourselves, of course.

As i stood in that freezing rink. With my husband and kids, and we watched as Junior continually tried to skate alone--even after he fell and fell and fell some more. I finally felt positive that i had made the right choice. That is was good to say no to something even if i felt like i "deserved" it. Nothing is worth missing my boy as he smiles and gives us the thumbs up--moments before hitting that ice once again.

Standing there, smiling, watching Junior skate on one side and Laney distract the boys from her class on the other half of the rink--our neighbor came up to us and surprised us.  We visited and found out he is the coach of the boys hockey and that his girls would be at the rink at 5 and 7 tonight playing hockey as well.

For me, just sitting there, visiting, living life, engaging and investing in my community felt so good.

Choir would have been great fun today. But its safe. And i have talked--very passionately-- about how critical it is that we (as a nation and as a body of believers) really know our neighbors, invest in them, give to them and show love to them. And when you're too busy--even if its "in the church"--i feel like we're missing the call to love our neighbor---our actual neighbor--as ourselves. (just a note: I'm not saying being in choir means i can't do that-- its just the commitment that would have over committed me.)

As we left that freezing cold rink (and after i broke some poor little boys water bottle) i told Jeromy that i was so glad our kids were playing sports and testing the waters of St.Francis (Ruby is in Andover for b-ball though) because it is so valuable to connect with "our people". Our community. Their classmates. Their friends.  To be totally invested in them--helps to assure me that they are going to be alright. That we are building a family that values our time away---because we are still together for it.

Do i wish i could be in the Christmas program at church? Most definitely.

But will life go one even if i miss it? Unfortunately,Yes. And likely even better due to my absence.

I am still totally bummed that i couldn't make it. If Jeromy would have offered and i would have been prepared, i might just have gone anyways....and that would have been okay. But the bottom line is when i find myself shuffling everything around and running frantic---maybe i should just say no. For the sanity of all involved.

I never want to get lost in my own selfish wants and desires--because its so easy to do and we have all been there.

 The bigger problem is when we become so busy thinking about yourself.....we accidentally lose sight of the others God has placed in front of us.

So today i will continue to break up the fights between siblings, i will fold laundry like i do EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE and i will remember that i want to make a difference in my community and for me, that means putting others first and leaving myself time to actually see the needs that are right around me.

And by doing that---hopefully  i won't be too busy when that need does arise.

Then vs. now

Here's the dilemma i (we) are facing.

Now--vs.--Then.

Right now we have so much "stuff", so much knowledge, so much information, so much drive, so much confidence,so much self.

But back then we had more quietness, less "stuff", more consideration, more humility, more love, more respect, more hardwork.

Here is a subject that i think about--often.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "we" as a people--really stink right now.

We are overly confident, unaware, self indulgent, entitled, quick witted, vain, consumed, busy, distracted, and rotten. If you're asking me. (which you are, right? ;))

 Ha! Bet you didn't know what you signed up for when you started reading this post, huh.

I have made it clear--recently--to a few of my friends that i am not a fan of Jen Hattmaker. I know, gasp away. Everyone loves her---Pffft.

(I am sure you are suddenly finding the need to defend her and you are thinking, "she's about 110% more talented than you, Chrissssstina".  And that's fine with me. You are correct. But i don't care.)

But ya see, the reason that i don't like her (and many others) is her snappy comments and her "attempts" at being so in the weeds when she is clearly totally not.  I don't know if her humor is offensive because it actually offends me----or that it makes me jealous!?

But as i read recommended blogs and listen to all the women who are spouting their opinions (me included---i KNOW) I just kind of get sick of the same old schtick. Ya know?

We're clever, we're witty, we say weird things at funny times, we make fun of ourselves, we are honest, self defacing.

i'm not saying "we" as if i include myself in their caliber of writing or knowledge or teachings.  But i do say "we" because i find humor and comedy to be right up there with holiness.

But ya know what i've found?  The people that i like the least in this world??? Are the ones most like ME!!!

(Except  perfect Jimmy Fallon, of course)

I have thought about this for a while now. I mean, if anyone has read any part of James in the Bible, you're pretty much going to learn the power of the tongue and how to use it correctly.

In fact, i have never liked that book much. (isn't that terrible to even admit? Sorry) Because it is the one that has corrected me the most in life.  Contradicted my everyday living and reminded me of the power of the tongue. For good and bad.

And don't get me wrong, i feel like i have a kind heart and i use comedy to lift others up and as to not take myself too seriously. But too much of that is just --well, too much.

My Mom and i have had many conversions about our (my) mouth and the way it is sometimes (most times) overused. And that sometimes its just okay to "be quiet Christina".  Then she reminds me of the verse that says "Be still and KNOW that i am God." And then i counter that with the fact that i can be still while i'm talking and then i go into "this is how God made me, and maybe i'm different then everyone else, and sometimes we need a "buffer" in life to get us through those awfully weird silences, right? Can you imagine a world of introverts? Oh Gag (Unless they were all like you, Angela). That's when i plead my case--the case of the mouth that never stops,  "Mother, how can you put a damper on my light!? (say it very dramatically, will you?) This is all i have to give, to say, to share....its a special gift!!...." And on and on. Eventually i run out of things to say and i think my Mom ends up leaving the room about 13 minutes before i even notice she's gone because i am passionately defending my whole being....(okay, that's not true)

The reason i say these things is because this weekend my Mom and i sat down and watched "Heidi" (starring the ridiculously mature adn amazing, Shirley Temple) with the kids and we both loved it. The way it captures your heart, pulls at its strings, brings you joy, shows you loyalty, how to love, how to persevere,  long suffering, brings you to the brink (wink, wink) of tears as the Grandfather and Heidi are finally reunited. Her love softens even the hardest of hearts. Her dear old grandfather.  It is like, a super moving kids show. If you haven't watched it lately, do it. And show your kids. I think you'll be happy you did.

There is so much that we can learn from that movie. So many things that we have lost--and yet desperately need to find again.

But how?

That is my dilemma.

There's no one elbowing Heidi during a serious scene saying "Amiright?!?" and making light of a that particular situation. They are actually allowing themselves to feel. The joy, the pain, the sorrow, the happiness. These emotions are exercised through out the show and it teaches our kids to be in touch with them. Its not just a slap happy, sarcastic and rude cartoons. But real life.

Compare, if you will, these two scenes from the two different movies from two different times and just let yourself  wonder what has happened to us....

I picked this Heidi clip because it is a special one to my Mom. She says it reminds her of when she was little. The church, the simple hymns, the congregation, the way the people talk. So obviously is has a special meaning to me, as well.  Even though i didn't live in those times--i feel like even i miss them.  What a simpler time it must have been.

.

And this next clip i found is one that infuriated me the moment I saw it. Wreck it Ralph is a bratty show that just promotes sassy talk and disrespect. When i saw it in the theatre--with my kids--i couldn't believe this show had been recommended to me (never trusting Ms.Faith again)

Its not like i am a overly-protective-television-mom, either. You all know that. I love tv more then the next guy, soooooo i feel i have a pretty big platform to stand on here, okay?! ;)

Alright, watch this clip and then just consider why our kids aren't quite like the generation before us....

I have zero answers. I only hope that i can somehow figure out how to get my house going in that direction.

I want my family to be good.

I want to be the kind of family who has patience for their neighbor.

Love for their sister.

A heart that is loving.

Respect for their Father.

Ears that listen....

and a mouth that is quiet.

Its what i long for.  I think its what our world needs. Desperately. But until we can put away the electronics and stop running through life and start living in it--i don't think we will ever get there.

Its a big reminder to myself to settle down and use less words and more actions.  I won't have to say it---if i continue to show it.

Right?

Join me

I should have known what today would hold when my girls woke up quietly and turned their light on, shut the door and started playing together. And then Junior woke up, came and snuggled me, and then grabbed his toys and went into the girls room to join them.

Or when the girls actually made it to the bus ontime with their snacks and water bottles.

But alas, i didn't even know what was to come.

After getting Junior to school i had to run to Target and return a few items and shop around for a tiny bit of stuff.

I slowly strolled the isles, wandering aimlessly, enjoying my alone time.

I had brought a special $20 bill that i had been given as a gift and i knew exactly how i wanted to spend it.

 Makeup!!

I grabbed some liner, a little mascara and even a bronzer to complete the special "me" treat.

On my way out, i grabbed a pumpkin spice latte--with an extra shot.(cause i live on the wild side like that)

I slowly got into my car and headed to Play it Again Sports to pick up a hockey helmet for my boy.

I talked to my Mom on the way and lingered in the parking lot--just sitting and talking on the phone.

Sadly when i got inside the helmet that we were planning on getting two days ago, was already gone today.

 But whatevs, i didn't care. i had coffee.

I left to my car to finish up my drink and head back North to the house.

When i arrived home, i put away a few groceries and headed to the laundry room to separate the clothes and start the wash.

I realized that i haven't been home--alone--in such along time, that i turned up the tunes and happily folded Jeromy's work shirts.

And then i went into the kitchen to make some tuna to prepare for lunch.

And that's when it hit me. 

I'm not doing any more laundry.

I stared a the TV and it stared back at me. Longing. Calling my name. "Chriisssssstina".  Whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

I couldn't resist the urge. The pull. I felt a nervous excitement at the idea.

I was going to watch a big kid show--during the day--alone--while i ate lunch.

Its like i was experiencing full nirvana.

I anxiously got my tuna together and my chips.  I took out last nights blizzard to thaw, in preparation for the gloriousness that  was about to take place.

I carefully set the ice cream next to me on the coffee table. I had my water within reach and my tuna on my lap.

I text a few friends my plan. Teasing them. Letting them know---i was checking out and wasn't afraid to say it.

I giggled in anticipation as the blue light turned on--signaling to me that the TV would soon be ready as well.

I fingers daftly found their familiar place on the remote and i opened my screen of DVR'd shows. I smiled, as if to say hello old friend.

I chose 'Hostages', a real adult show. No kid stuff. No laughter. No comedy. Straight drama. Straight big girl stuff.

As i kicked up my legs and crossed my ankles on the couch. I was in heaven.  Tuna and chips in my hand, ice cream thawing, and Hostages about to play....

I have no words.

Its like i have discovered a little secret and i'm not going to bury it, sister--oh no, i'm going to shout it from the roof top for all to hear.

I watched adult tv during the day!!!

I knew there would be repercussions for it. I knew i had to take out meat to thaw. I had to switch the laundry. i had to put the dishes away.I had to get Awana bags ready.I knew this was my time to "catch up".

But i didn't care, ya see. I refused to.

I was going to check completely out for an hour.

The show began to twist and turn and my eyes were locked on the screen.

At one point i may have even said "This is sooooo great!" out loud. To no one. And i liked it.

I started the show at little before one and was finished around 1:20.

It was like a heaven i have never experienced.  I mean, I've watched tv a night. Or I've been on the computer while the kids were home, but never, have i experienced the thrill of watching my show, alone, with no one in the house.

It doesn't get much better folks.

I am telling you this because i want you to try it.

When the shows credits rolled and i snapped back to reality. It was as if i was a new person.

The refreshing feeling, the excitement of a little secret, was wonderful.

So wonderful that as i went back to my bedroom to fold some laundry....

...i said "no."

"No i will not do this"

And i ran a bath instead.

I had precisely 22 minutes until i had to be back in the can to get Junior, and i was going to use every one of those minutes doing nothing at all.

As i sat there, in a blanket of perfectly warm water, i was happy.  So happy that i decided not to read the Food Network magazine that i had brought in there with me.

I just sat, smiling, warm, and listening to Jason Mraz  croon over the airwaves coming from my bedroom radio.

Nirvana, i tell you.

And if you don't understand. Try it.

Revert.

Waste time.

Enjoy something.

Be alone.

Smile.

Laugh.

Take a bath for absolutely no reason.

It soothes the soul.

I got out of the tub with exactly 9 minutes to get dressed and in the van.

And i was out the door, cool as a cucumber, with two minutes to spare.

As i backed out of the driveway, i nodded at the dog, maybe threw him a wink, as if we had a secret.

He just looked at me--confused--and bummed i didn't give him a treat.

But i just smiled--pointing back to him in slow motion.

"We did it, Gus." i whispered.

It made no sense to either of us, but it felt necessary at the time.

As i sat in the van, radio playing Jimmy Fallon, i didn't need a coat--due to my incredibly warm internal body temperature--thanks to the bath, i was happy.

I drove out of the neighborhood enjoying the beautiful fall leaves as they fell off the trees along the road.

I felt like i had a secret to tell. Like i had witnessed a mystery.

The wind howled back at me--nodding in approval.  I felt it.

And i drove on, smiling all the way.

Slowly reality settled in.

But i reminded myself of what happened today. The joy i felt. The freedom. The bliss.

I wasn't going to let anything ruin that.

Like a Mario character who retrieves a magical star that makes them run faster, i had enjoyed my own star of sorts today in front of that TV and as i drove closer and closer to pick up Junior from school, i felt it fading....slowly....the bliss was leaving....

The nirvana slowly extinguished until another day.

I reached out for it, calling "Noooo!" in hopes to catch it again, but alas--it was gone.

But no matter what the rest of the day holds-- i'm gonna smile---

Cause i watched a big kid show--during the day--alone--while i ate lunch. And it was wonderful.