I should have known what today would hold when my girls woke up quietly and turned their light on, shut the door and started playing together. And then Junior woke up, came and snuggled me, and then grabbed his toys and went into the girls room to join them.
Or when the girls actually made it to the bus ontime with their snacks and water bottles.
But alas, i didn't even know what was to come.
After getting Junior to school i had to run to Target and return a few items and shop around for a tiny bit of stuff.
I slowly strolled the isles, wandering aimlessly, enjoying my alone time.
I had brought a special $20 bill that i had been given as a gift and i knew exactly how i wanted to spend it.
Makeup!!
I grabbed some liner, a little mascara and even a bronzer to complete the special "me" treat.
On my way out, i grabbed a pumpkin spice latte--with an extra shot.(cause i live on the wild side like that)
I slowly got into my car and headed to Play it Again Sports to pick up a hockey helmet for my boy.
I talked to my Mom on the way and lingered in the parking lot--just sitting and talking on the phone.
Sadly when i got inside the helmet that we were planning on getting two days ago, was already gone today.
But whatevs, i didn't care. i had coffee.
I left to my car to finish up my drink and head back North to the house.
When i arrived home, i put away a few groceries and headed to the laundry room to separate the clothes and start the wash.
I realized that i haven't been home--alone--in such along time, that i turned up the tunes and happily folded Jeromy's work shirts.
And then i went into the kitchen to make some tuna to prepare for lunch.
And that's when it hit me.
I'm not doing any more laundry.
I stared a the TV and it stared back at me. Longing. Calling my name. "Chriisssssstina". Whispering sweet nothings into my ear.
I couldn't resist the urge. The pull. I felt a nervous excitement at the idea.
I was going to watch a big kid show--during the day--alone--while i ate lunch.
Its like i was experiencing full nirvana.
I anxiously got my tuna together and my chips. I took out last nights blizzard to thaw, in preparation for the gloriousness that was about to take place.
I carefully set the ice cream next to me on the coffee table. I had my water within reach and my tuna on my lap.
I text a few friends my plan. Teasing them. Letting them know---i was checking out and wasn't afraid to say it.
I giggled in anticipation as the blue light turned on--signaling to me that the TV would soon be ready as well.
I fingers daftly found their familiar place on the remote and i opened my screen of DVR'd shows. I smiled, as if to say hello old friend.
I chose 'Hostages', a real adult show. No kid stuff. No laughter. No comedy. Straight drama. Straight big girl stuff.
As i kicked up my legs and crossed my ankles on the couch. I was in heaven. Tuna and chips in my hand, ice cream thawing, and Hostages about to play....
I have no words.
Its like i have discovered a little secret and i'm not going to bury it, sister--oh no, i'm going to shout it from the roof top for all to hear.
I watched adult tv during the day!!!
I knew there would be repercussions for it. I knew i had to take out meat to thaw. I had to switch the laundry. i had to put the dishes away.I had to get Awana bags ready.I knew this was my time to "catch up".
But i didn't care, ya see. I refused to.
I was going to check completely out for an hour.
The show began to twist and turn and my eyes were locked on the screen.
At one point i may have even said "This is sooooo great!" out loud. To no one. And i liked it.
I started the show at little before one and was finished around 1:20.
It was like a heaven i have never experienced. I mean, I've watched tv a night. Or I've been on the computer while the kids were home, but never, have i experienced the thrill of watching my show, alone, with no one in the house.
It doesn't get much better folks.
I am telling you this because i want you to try it.
When the shows credits rolled and i snapped back to reality. It was as if i was a new person.
The refreshing feeling, the excitement of a little secret, was wonderful.
So wonderful that as i went back to my bedroom to fold some laundry....
...i said "no."
"No i will not do this"
And i ran a bath instead.
I had precisely 22 minutes until i had to be back in the can to get Junior, and i was going to use every one of those minutes doing nothing at all.
As i sat there, in a blanket of perfectly warm water, i was happy. So happy that i decided not to read the Food Network magazine that i had brought in there with me.
I just sat, smiling, warm, and listening to Jason Mraz croon over the airwaves coming from my bedroom radio.
Nirvana, i tell you.
And if you don't understand. Try it.
Revert.
Waste time.
Enjoy something.
Be alone.
Smile.
Laugh.
Take a bath for absolutely no reason.
It soothes the soul.
I got out of the tub with exactly 9 minutes to get dressed and in the van.
And i was out the door, cool as a cucumber, with two minutes to spare.
As i backed out of the driveway, i nodded at the dog, maybe threw him a wink, as if we had a secret.
He just looked at me--confused--and bummed i didn't give him a treat.
But i just smiled--pointing back to him in slow motion.
"We did it, Gus." i whispered.
It made no sense to either of us, but it felt necessary at the time.
As i sat in the van, radio playing Jimmy Fallon, i didn't need a coat--due to my incredibly warm internal body temperature--thanks to the bath, i was happy.
I drove out of the neighborhood enjoying the beautiful fall leaves as they fell off the trees along the road.
I felt like i had a secret to tell. Like i had witnessed a mystery.
The wind howled back at me--nodding in approval. I felt it.
And i drove on, smiling all the way.
Slowly reality settled in.
But i reminded myself of what happened today. The joy i felt. The freedom. The bliss.
I wasn't going to let anything ruin that.
Like a Mario character who retrieves a magical star that makes them run faster, i had enjoyed my own star of sorts today in front of that TV and as i drove closer and closer to pick up Junior from school, i felt it fading....slowly....the bliss was leaving....
The nirvana slowly extinguished until another day.
I reached out for it, calling "Noooo!" in hopes to catch it again, but alas--it was gone.
But no matter what the rest of the day holds-- i'm gonna smile---
Cause i watched a big kid show--during the day--alone--while i ate lunch. And it was wonderful.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Just say no.
To fully explain my blog today, i have to rewind a full year and a half.
You see, that's when i took Laney to the dentist for the very firs time. Her teeth were--errr--not bright and shiny white. I already prepared myself for the news i would probably hear from the dentist, informing me of a cavity or two.
But alas, looking back, i would have welcomed a cavity.
Laney, i found out, has a condition where her teeth basically have no enamel. So pretty much any junk that gets on her teeth and sits there will just- burrow down--quickly--and attack/break/damage her tooth, gum, or mouth.
So upon hearing that--i did what i usually do. I comfortably threw my head in the sand. When the doctor informed me that she wanted my girl to get about 4 teeth crowned--i'm confident that i blacked out entirely.
If i don't go back to the dentist.....there will be no more problems, right?
Ummm, obviously.
So fast forward one year to last week.
Laney had complained of pain in her tooth and after looking into her mouth and seeing a large hole in her back molar, i figured it was time to have them take another look. Though i didn't want to return to that dentist, its where i went. Because its supposed to be the best.
Laney freaked out just laying back in the chair--if that is any clue as to how the rest of my story is going to go.
They confirmed that she had an abscess and was definitely going to need antibiotics and to get it yanked---i mean "extracted" and soon.
Sooooo, i pretty much felt like the worst mom in all the land and Laney proceeded to cry the whole 6 minutes it took the assistant to brush her teeth.
She got her prize--a bouncy ball--and we were on our way. To the pharmacy to see my brother and to get her prescription.
I detoured to Caribou--looking for anything to bring Laney back to life from her comatose stare out the window in the back seat.
After Junior freaked out because Panera had no cinnamon crunch bagles, we walked next door to get a cookie coffee for the spoiled bunch.
As i waited there--head in the clouds, anticipating the next 6 days--Laney bounced her sitnkin' bouncy ball once and lost it--somewhere under the counter or whatever.
Lets go, was all i could say between clenched teeth as she started to cry again and Junior was unhappy with the chocolate chips on top of his drink instead of the oreos. I kind of just wanted to slap thedrink out of both of their hands and just walk to the car. See how they liked that, but instead i kept my cool.
Until we went about 1/8 of a mile on the service road and Laney was bawling over her bouncy ball.
Well, where was it!? i said--totally exasperated.
She told me it was behind the counter and that i could likely get it, so i turned around in a parking lot and headed the rocks throw of a distance back to Caribou.
And then it happened--a cop whipped a U-turn and turned on his cherries. Right. Behind. Me.
Are you kidding me!?
I pulled over and this A-wod walked up to me and i asked how fast i was even going? And he informed me that i was going 40 in a 30. WHATEVER. That basically walking speed. Ugh,I wanted to punch him in his throat and cry all at the same time. Instead i fumbled for my evasive insurance card and license and didn't even look at the jerk.
The kids freaked. I threatened their life, reminding Laney that i turned around to get her sitnkin' ball!!!
Cop came back, gave me a ticket. I gave him the bird and we were off.
Wait, no....i don't think that's how it happened.
But i can't be sure, i think i blacked out.
On to the pharmacy where Junior proceeded to spill his coffee in the car, i got mad, felt overwhelmed, and got my prescription.
That night, Laney can't sleep because she is so afraid of the dentist--in 6 days. Of which she has NO idea what they are even going to do.
I tried to prepare her as best i could with out ever telling her they were going to "extract her tooth".
I was all, "just breath in your nose when they tell you to sniff this stuff and all will be fine, okay?" And if they offer a sniff to me??? So be it.
So for 6 days i am silently agonizing over this.
Like, seriously, anticipating her doom.
Then late last night, i happened to check Juniors preschool calendar and he was the STAR student TODAY.
Enter panic mode, where i quickly order pictures from Walgreens, but i have to take the broken truck because we need to get a new battery for the van, i have to drop off tools at the Jungbauers, get a battery, pay Josh, get the pictures, bring a treat to DQ, hope the school is opened and get home in time to make a STAR page with out going coo-coo.
The truck has no heat, i can feel the fire in my veins as i head to my friends. (ps. Sorry for being crabby, Sarah)
Got the battery, returned the tools, froze--cause we have not HEAT in that junker--and headed to Walgreens.
Got my photos, see the church IS indeed open. Let out a squeal as this is my lucky day.
I Sneak into the church as i pass a quiet table and notice dim lights in the chapel as i announce "i'm just running downstairs, okay?"
I turn on the lights search around like a thief looking for the mailbox that has my kids STAR student sheet (cause i always forget to check that when i am actually supposed to be at school)
I stop just shy of throwing a rock through a window--planning how i can grab the sheet and run away with no one even seeing me.
But alas. I get nothing. But i do see someone elses sheet and copy all the questions. "That's about as good as it'll get tonight". I say to no one.
As i shut off the lights and sneak back up the stairs. Some man--from nowhere--happens behind me and asks if i "help with the teacher down there??" Completely accusatory. And i just smile and say "oh, no--i'm just a parent of a STAR student"
Which i'm pretty sure just confirmed his thought that i had broken in, placed a bomb downstairs, and was not trying to escape. Yeesh.
But i just carried on.
As i sneak by the chapel i see them look a me, i smile--awkwardly--as i take another look behind me to see if the weird janitor guy is following me--just as i walk past the front table where i see brochures on "Cutting".
Cutting!
I think i just interrupted an anonymous "cutters meeting" as i start to sweat and run to my aggressively loud truck all while i yell out "Jesus loves you and you should too!!"
Okay, i didn't yell that--but maybe i should of?
But then maybe they would have cut me?! I don't know. But i took a brochure just so i could find out more.
No, i didn't. I'm sorry.
Enough about that secret group.
I get to DQ hand the treat over, pick up a treat for myself and head home in the freezing cold, loud truck with pictures in tow.
Jeromy and i watch the Voice as i throw together a beautiful 12x12 of my boy and all is right in the world.
Oh yea--except the part where my little angle baby is getting a tooth forcefully pulled out of her jaw tomorrow morning--and she doesn't even know it!!
Morning comes, i get Ruby to school late--visit with the secretary--assure her this won't happen tomorrow and fly to get Junior to preschool with his STAR in tact ready to answer the questions on the sheet that i will finally possess.
As I walk in, i meet my friend, Courtney, who informs me that she got an email late last night form the teacher and it looks like Junior isn't the STAR until Thursday.
(blink.......blink....)
Oh, well, then super. I'll get the info and my whole night last night of running around like a nut job is all for not. So glad that i managed to screw that up.
Guh.
This day is starting out worse than i had anticipated.
As we leave the school, Laney starts to weep....
Which stresses me out.....
i am stuck between a rock and had place with this one.
As much am my nature says RUN!!! Run as fast and as far as you can!, i know i have to do this--even thought it is going to be royally bad, in order to salvage her mouth.
We get to the dentist, after staling a Home Goods for 20 minutes and as i sign her in and pay, i suddenly feel like i am signing my babies life away. I think--crap! i feel like crying.
I suck it up--by completely disengaging.
They call her back. And the second that the nurse walks us in the room, Laney begins to cry.
And cry.
And cry.
She is so nervous i can feel it. And she isn't having anything any of us are sayin'.
Ya feel me?
Its bad. I try to hold her hand as the nurse finally gets her in the chair and lays her back--which naturally made Laney tense up as if she was being put on the chopping block.
I start patiently whispering for her to calm down.
She doesn't even acknowledge i am talking.
She is like, unable to even catch her breath at this point. Oh yea, and i want to die.
The nurse decides to put the gas thing over her nose--which looked more like something they have in a gas chamber--if ya ask me!!
And Laney hits the roof. Panicking, crying, unable to breath, begging for a sip of water and saying she is dizzy.
No one seems to care about this--except me.
I feel like i am having a heartattack as i sit there. Painfully watching my darling girl fear for her life.
I know having that thing over her nose made her feel like she was being drowned. I know she can't breath well in general. And i know she is scared. Not only because i am her mother, but because she is begging and pleading, saying "I'm uncomfortable with this.....please, i'm not comfortable!" Between breaths.
The nurse acted like she was lying and i was one second from grabbing the mask off Laney--taking a huge swig--and grabbing my girl off that darn reclined chair and storming out of there.
I hated it.
Every second.
It hurt me.
Finally the doctor comes in and says that she has to calm down so that her tooth can get better---blahh, blahh, Laney is not having it.
And then the nurse informs me that she is going to give her a topical thing to numb her gums for the shot of novocaine.
And while Laney is pleading for her little life--unable to breath--the nurse puts this swab thing in her mouth along with a gauze thing and tells her to shut her lips for two minutes so the thing works.
At this point, i feel like I can't breath. Watching her panic with a hand in her mouth and a thing over her nose and tears streaming down her face.
Seriously, its hard to even revisit that moment.
I ask the nurse if she is even getting any of this stupid gas stuff and she says no because Laney is crying and talking so much she hasn't gotten any. And I say "Just take it off then!" Bordering on losing control.
I promise the nurse that Laney will do better if she doesn't have that thing on her face. And the nurse listens.
The doctor comes in, threatening (in a soft, but firm voice) Laney that if she doesn't calm down that "Mom is going to have to leave the room" so that Laney understands that the doctor means business and that this is happening. She continues to give me a few options. One being leave the room. Two being hold her down--physically--while the procedure happens and three being--i don't know, i think i blacked out.
I look at that doctor. With eyes of steal. And i tell her that "Laneys moms won't be leaving the room. No matter what. Okay?"
She proceeds to give Laney the shot and then her and the nurse leave to give us a few moments to allow that novocaine to kick in.
I reached down and scooped Lane in my arms and kind of cradled her in the chair and assured her the worst was over and that if she would just listen and follow the doctors rules that we would be able to leave very soon. Please, just listen Laney. At this point i am half begging.
Well, the doctor comes back in and Laney lays back down, tears start to flow and then the doctor asked her to open her mouth and when she did, she put this thing inside that held it open so she could work and thats when it happened--that's when Laney went all Helen Keller on us and i thought i was going to have to break the window and run--as far and as fas as i could.
She freaked out, mouth open but against her will as the doctor went in for her back molar--with what looked very similar to the tool i use to get the hook out of a fish's throat when its stuck--and she grabbed Laneys tooth and yanked it out.
I thought i was going to faint.
Laney let out a shriek. And it was done.
They tried to make her hold gauze in her mouth but Laney just sat up and crawled to my arms and cried. It was pathetic and heartbreaking.
As i rocked Laney back and forth the doctor continued to tell me the plan of attack next visit and asked me if i wanted a filling or a crown for this one and said we were for sure crowning this one and this one and.....
I literally looked up at her, as Laney sat--bleeding and crying in my arms--and said "I am not hearing anything you are saying right now. Can we just go."
In the waiting room, i had to fight my charge for the 40$ nitrous fee and i got refunded 67$ for the spacer that they couldn't put in due to the difficulty Laney was having. And the assistant continued to tell me that next time maybe we need two people to "hold her down" during the procedure.....
But i didn't care--all i wanted to do was leave.
I grabbed Laney and threw her on my hip and we left that building.
In the car i just sat. Feeling a bit in shock. Trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. I felt like i had been through war--and i might have returned with a bit of PTSD.
Laney wanted a 13$ pillow from Home Goods and i got her it. It made no sense for her to have it. It was beautiful and shaped like a rose and she doesn't even make her bed in a day and has clothes all over her floor. But she got it.
She wanted it....
So she got it.
I met my Mom at Target where we proceeded to get Laney a Halloween costume and a sweatshirt. She seemed to chipper up as we shopped. Randomly telling us she "didn't want to talk about it" when we asked her about the day.
On our way out I got her a personal pizza. Which she ate at Moms while she watched a bit of TV.
My Mom let Laney borrow her Ipad--as a treat--for a a day.
So we packed up the pad, said our goodbyes and headed out.
And as we drove back to preschool to get Junior--though it was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon--i felt like it was midnight to me.
But then the darndest thing happened. Just as we turned onto Hwy 65 Laney says to me, while looking down at the ipad--playing a game and smiling- "Geez, you're the best Mom ever. You let me do everything i wanted today....you're the best mom, ever....."
Whats that you say Laney? I can't hear through the pain of my ulcer.....
And with that, i blacked out...
What. A. Day.
You see, that's when i took Laney to the dentist for the very firs time. Her teeth were--errr--not bright and shiny white. I already prepared myself for the news i would probably hear from the dentist, informing me of a cavity or two.
But alas, looking back, i would have welcomed a cavity.
Laney, i found out, has a condition where her teeth basically have no enamel. So pretty much any junk that gets on her teeth and sits there will just- burrow down--quickly--and attack/break/damage her tooth, gum, or mouth.
So upon hearing that--i did what i usually do. I comfortably threw my head in the sand. When the doctor informed me that she wanted my girl to get about 4 teeth crowned--i'm confident that i blacked out entirely.
If i don't go back to the dentist.....there will be no more problems, right?
Ummm, obviously.
So fast forward one year to last week.
Laney had complained of pain in her tooth and after looking into her mouth and seeing a large hole in her back molar, i figured it was time to have them take another look. Though i didn't want to return to that dentist, its where i went. Because its supposed to be the best.
Laney freaked out just laying back in the chair--if that is any clue as to how the rest of my story is going to go.
They confirmed that she had an abscess and was definitely going to need antibiotics and to get it yanked---i mean "extracted" and soon.
Sooooo, i pretty much felt like the worst mom in all the land and Laney proceeded to cry the whole 6 minutes it took the assistant to brush her teeth.
She got her prize--a bouncy ball--and we were on our way. To the pharmacy to see my brother and to get her prescription.
I detoured to Caribou--looking for anything to bring Laney back to life from her comatose stare out the window in the back seat.
After Junior freaked out because Panera had no cinnamon crunch bagles, we walked next door to get a cookie coffee for the spoiled bunch.
As i waited there--head in the clouds, anticipating the next 6 days--Laney bounced her sitnkin' bouncy ball once and lost it--somewhere under the counter or whatever.
Lets go, was all i could say between clenched teeth as she started to cry again and Junior was unhappy with the chocolate chips on top of his drink instead of the oreos. I kind of just wanted to slap thedrink out of both of their hands and just walk to the car. See how they liked that, but instead i kept my cool.
Until we went about 1/8 of a mile on the service road and Laney was bawling over her bouncy ball.
Well, where was it!? i said--totally exasperated.
She told me it was behind the counter and that i could likely get it, so i turned around in a parking lot and headed the rocks throw of a distance back to Caribou.
And then it happened--a cop whipped a U-turn and turned on his cherries. Right. Behind. Me.
Are you kidding me!?
I pulled over and this A-wod walked up to me and i asked how fast i was even going? And he informed me that i was going 40 in a 30. WHATEVER. That basically walking speed. Ugh,I wanted to punch him in his throat and cry all at the same time. Instead i fumbled for my evasive insurance card and license and didn't even look at the jerk.
The kids freaked. I threatened their life, reminding Laney that i turned around to get her sitnkin' ball!!!
Cop came back, gave me a ticket. I gave him the bird and we were off.
Wait, no....i don't think that's how it happened.
But i can't be sure, i think i blacked out.
On to the pharmacy where Junior proceeded to spill his coffee in the car, i got mad, felt overwhelmed, and got my prescription.
That night, Laney can't sleep because she is so afraid of the dentist--in 6 days. Of which she has NO idea what they are even going to do.
I tried to prepare her as best i could with out ever telling her they were going to "extract her tooth".
I was all, "just breath in your nose when they tell you to sniff this stuff and all will be fine, okay?" And if they offer a sniff to me??? So be it.
So for 6 days i am silently agonizing over this.
Like, seriously, anticipating her doom.
Then late last night, i happened to check Juniors preschool calendar and he was the STAR student TODAY.
Enter panic mode, where i quickly order pictures from Walgreens, but i have to take the broken truck because we need to get a new battery for the van, i have to drop off tools at the Jungbauers, get a battery, pay Josh, get the pictures, bring a treat to DQ, hope the school is opened and get home in time to make a STAR page with out going coo-coo.
The truck has no heat, i can feel the fire in my veins as i head to my friends. (ps. Sorry for being crabby, Sarah)
Got the battery, returned the tools, froze--cause we have not HEAT in that junker--and headed to Walgreens.
Got my photos, see the church IS indeed open. Let out a squeal as this is my lucky day.
I Sneak into the church as i pass a quiet table and notice dim lights in the chapel as i announce "i'm just running downstairs, okay?"
I turn on the lights search around like a thief looking for the mailbox that has my kids STAR student sheet (cause i always forget to check that when i am actually supposed to be at school)
I stop just shy of throwing a rock through a window--planning how i can grab the sheet and run away with no one even seeing me.
But alas. I get nothing. But i do see someone elses sheet and copy all the questions. "That's about as good as it'll get tonight". I say to no one.
As i shut off the lights and sneak back up the stairs. Some man--from nowhere--happens behind me and asks if i "help with the teacher down there??" Completely accusatory. And i just smile and say "oh, no--i'm just a parent of a STAR student"
Which i'm pretty sure just confirmed his thought that i had broken in, placed a bomb downstairs, and was not trying to escape. Yeesh.
But i just carried on.
As i sneak by the chapel i see them look a me, i smile--awkwardly--as i take another look behind me to see if the weird janitor guy is following me--just as i walk past the front table where i see brochures on "Cutting".
Cutting!
I think i just interrupted an anonymous "cutters meeting" as i start to sweat and run to my aggressively loud truck all while i yell out "Jesus loves you and you should too!!"
Okay, i didn't yell that--but maybe i should of?
But then maybe they would have cut me?! I don't know. But i took a brochure just so i could find out more.
No, i didn't. I'm sorry.
Enough about that secret group.
I get to DQ hand the treat over, pick up a treat for myself and head home in the freezing cold, loud truck with pictures in tow.
Jeromy and i watch the Voice as i throw together a beautiful 12x12 of my boy and all is right in the world.
Oh yea--except the part where my little angle baby is getting a tooth forcefully pulled out of her jaw tomorrow morning--and she doesn't even know it!!
Morning comes, i get Ruby to school late--visit with the secretary--assure her this won't happen tomorrow and fly to get Junior to preschool with his STAR in tact ready to answer the questions on the sheet that i will finally possess.
As I walk in, i meet my friend, Courtney, who informs me that she got an email late last night form the teacher and it looks like Junior isn't the STAR until Thursday.
(blink.......blink....)
Oh, well, then super. I'll get the info and my whole night last night of running around like a nut job is all for not. So glad that i managed to screw that up.
Guh.
This day is starting out worse than i had anticipated.
As we leave the school, Laney starts to weep....
Which stresses me out.....
i am stuck between a rock and had place with this one.
As much am my nature says RUN!!! Run as fast and as far as you can!, i know i have to do this--even thought it is going to be royally bad, in order to salvage her mouth.
We get to the dentist, after staling a Home Goods for 20 minutes and as i sign her in and pay, i suddenly feel like i am signing my babies life away. I think--crap! i feel like crying.
I suck it up--by completely disengaging.
They call her back. And the second that the nurse walks us in the room, Laney begins to cry.
And cry.
And cry.
She is so nervous i can feel it. And she isn't having anything any of us are sayin'.
Ya feel me?
Its bad. I try to hold her hand as the nurse finally gets her in the chair and lays her back--which naturally made Laney tense up as if she was being put on the chopping block.
I start patiently whispering for her to calm down.
She doesn't even acknowledge i am talking.
She is like, unable to even catch her breath at this point. Oh yea, and i want to die.
The nurse decides to put the gas thing over her nose--which looked more like something they have in a gas chamber--if ya ask me!!
And Laney hits the roof. Panicking, crying, unable to breath, begging for a sip of water and saying she is dizzy.
No one seems to care about this--except me.
I feel like i am having a heartattack as i sit there. Painfully watching my darling girl fear for her life.
I know having that thing over her nose made her feel like she was being drowned. I know she can't breath well in general. And i know she is scared. Not only because i am her mother, but because she is begging and pleading, saying "I'm uncomfortable with this.....please, i'm not comfortable!" Between breaths.
The nurse acted like she was lying and i was one second from grabbing the mask off Laney--taking a huge swig--and grabbing my girl off that darn reclined chair and storming out of there.
I hated it.
Every second.
It hurt me.
Finally the doctor comes in and says that she has to calm down so that her tooth can get better---blahh, blahh, Laney is not having it.
And then the nurse informs me that she is going to give her a topical thing to numb her gums for the shot of novocaine.
And while Laney is pleading for her little life--unable to breath--the nurse puts this swab thing in her mouth along with a gauze thing and tells her to shut her lips for two minutes so the thing works.
At this point, i feel like I can't breath. Watching her panic with a hand in her mouth and a thing over her nose and tears streaming down her face.
Seriously, its hard to even revisit that moment.
I ask the nurse if she is even getting any of this stupid gas stuff and she says no because Laney is crying and talking so much she hasn't gotten any. And I say "Just take it off then!" Bordering on losing control.
I promise the nurse that Laney will do better if she doesn't have that thing on her face. And the nurse listens.
The doctor comes in, threatening (in a soft, but firm voice) Laney that if she doesn't calm down that "Mom is going to have to leave the room" so that Laney understands that the doctor means business and that this is happening. She continues to give me a few options. One being leave the room. Two being hold her down--physically--while the procedure happens and three being--i don't know, i think i blacked out.
I look at that doctor. With eyes of steal. And i tell her that "Laneys moms won't be leaving the room. No matter what. Okay?"
She proceeds to give Laney the shot and then her and the nurse leave to give us a few moments to allow that novocaine to kick in.
I reached down and scooped Lane in my arms and kind of cradled her in the chair and assured her the worst was over and that if she would just listen and follow the doctors rules that we would be able to leave very soon. Please, just listen Laney. At this point i am half begging.
Well, the doctor comes back in and Laney lays back down, tears start to flow and then the doctor asked her to open her mouth and when she did, she put this thing inside that held it open so she could work and thats when it happened--that's when Laney went all Helen Keller on us and i thought i was going to have to break the window and run--as far and as fas as i could.
She freaked out, mouth open but against her will as the doctor went in for her back molar--with what looked very similar to the tool i use to get the hook out of a fish's throat when its stuck--and she grabbed Laneys tooth and yanked it out.
I thought i was going to faint.
Laney let out a shriek. And it was done.
They tried to make her hold gauze in her mouth but Laney just sat up and crawled to my arms and cried. It was pathetic and heartbreaking.
As i rocked Laney back and forth the doctor continued to tell me the plan of attack next visit and asked me if i wanted a filling or a crown for this one and said we were for sure crowning this one and this one and.....
I literally looked up at her, as Laney sat--bleeding and crying in my arms--and said "I am not hearing anything you are saying right now. Can we just go."
In the waiting room, i had to fight my charge for the 40$ nitrous fee and i got refunded 67$ for the spacer that they couldn't put in due to the difficulty Laney was having. And the assistant continued to tell me that next time maybe we need two people to "hold her down" during the procedure.....
But i didn't care--all i wanted to do was leave.
I grabbed Laney and threw her on my hip and we left that building.
In the car i just sat. Feeling a bit in shock. Trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. I felt like i had been through war--and i might have returned with a bit of PTSD.
Laney wanted a 13$ pillow from Home Goods and i got her it. It made no sense for her to have it. It was beautiful and shaped like a rose and she doesn't even make her bed in a day and has clothes all over her floor. But she got it.
She wanted it....
So she got it.
I met my Mom at Target where we proceeded to get Laney a Halloween costume and a sweatshirt. She seemed to chipper up as we shopped. Randomly telling us she "didn't want to talk about it" when we asked her about the day.
On our way out I got her a personal pizza. Which she ate at Moms while she watched a bit of TV.
My Mom let Laney borrow her Ipad--as a treat--for a a day.
So we packed up the pad, said our goodbyes and headed out.
And as we drove back to preschool to get Junior--though it was only 2 o'clock in the afternoon--i felt like it was midnight to me.
But then the darndest thing happened. Just as we turned onto Hwy 65 Laney says to me, while looking down at the ipad--playing a game and smiling- "Geez, you're the best Mom ever. You let me do everything i wanted today....you're the best mom, ever....."
Whats that you say Laney? I can't hear through the pain of my ulcer.....
And with that, i blacked out...
What. A. Day.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Panera
Today started like any other day. Only a little worse.
I planned on getting up early to work out (like always)
Then i slept in, cause i get up when i want to! (like always)
Then i deducted that if i walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes that i could get upstairs just in time to make breakfast, make lunches and send my kids off to school in perfect harmony with smiles on their faces and love notes in their lunches. (like always)
My reality was not like my daydream. (like always)
I worked out for 23 minutes, flew upstairs in a sweaty heap, wrangled items for lunch, warmed a skillet with sausage patties and eggs--all while spontaneously trying to stretch my hammie in the process.
Yes, i DO need to stretch it even though i only walk on the treadmill--OKAY?! Sometimes Jimmy comes on through my headphones and i walk/jam for about 4.2 whole minutes--its sweat inducing, alright?!
Then i threaten the kids that i "can't drive them every single day" that "i have plans too!!" Assuming they will care and start moving faster then a slug.
Assumption wrong.
Then i acrobatically get the patties on the plate, pour the milk and zip lunch boxes all while kissing my youngest angel on the head--just because.
Wait, no--i mean i yell, "Hurry up! Here comes the bus!"
Exasperating my kids.
Then i watch as they run down the driveway and try to wrestle their heavy backpack straps around their tiny little angel shoulders.
And just as my sweet little delicate red head gets to the bus door (which is closed by now) the bus started to leave......
WITH MY PRECIOUS LITTLE-NEWBORN-BABY-RED-HEADED-ANGEL-CAKE ABOUT AN INCH FROM THE DOOR/WHEELS!!!!
All i could do was fumble and panic as i watched in horror....
Frozen. Feeling like if i watched she would be okay, but if i left to yell at her to "STOP!" i wouldn't have her in my view for about .8 seconds.
Thankfully the dummie bus driver (yes, i said dummie and i meant it) stopped after about 15 feet and my girl continued to load the bus as Ruby ran to catch it as well.
By then i was on the porch....
Just kind of frozen and worthless.
I waved at the busdriver and smiled.
I don't know why.
After i was sure they were going to live--i flew from the porch to the shower to quick wash up (you know how i love that part of the day). I had about 23 minutes to get ready, repack Juniors lunch, sear a roast and get it into ta crock pot before heading out to preschool.
I can do this.
As i got out of the shower, i hear my Dads van pull up and Juinor ran out to greet him (only after he assured me that Grandpa had stopped and he saw him)
I threw on makeup, toweled off my hair and met thim in the driveway as well. He had to drop off a piece of wood and we chatted.
9 minutes until i have to go.
I got this.
Finally after standing on the driveway chitchatting i said "I have to GO, Dad!"
And off i ran into the house to quick get the last of my supplies for the day.
I got Junior in the van.
Forgot to let the chickens out.
Let the chickens out.
Stepped in poop.(fist to sky) Cursed the chickens and the day i met them!
Wiped off my shoes in the grass.
Forgot my notebook (which i needed for a friend)
Ran into get that.
Had to remove my gross butt shoes.
Got back into the van. Started to back out.
Realized Ruby left the house with no sweatshirt--panicked that it was going to be cold.
Accepted i was going to be late to Preschool.
Ran back in--gross shoes off--grabbed sweatshirt--back to van.
Got to school--a tiny bit sweaty and dropped off the shirt at Rubys school. Apologized to the secretary for doing this every day.
Flew to preschool and dropped my little prefect boy at school--15 minutes late.
I let myself breath as i now had to decide if i should go back home to clean (which i felt like i should do) or if i should go to the store to get cheese and milk (which i had to do)
I decided to head North. I had to clean up a bit.
Then I U-turned at the next light and headed South. The house can wait. I'm going to the store.
Got to Target. Pondered if i should go in or go to Trader Joes.
Went in. Grumped around the apples, thinking Trader Joes apples are a bit better and then i heard it.
"What are you doing here?!"
I turned around to see my perfect friend, Ang, coming at me with a cart and her baby.
"I'm gru-mpy!" i said, not even fake smiling. (cause we're real like that)
Seeing her was all it took to turn my frown upside down.
I said "What do ya wanna do?!" And she said "we're already here!"
Cause whenever we get together it always involves a stop at Target. 'Cause how else would we paint our nails, huh?
We shopped. Got a coffee, visited, and shopped some more.
We took a "selfie" which is quick and easy.
No, i mean, impossibly hard--especially when your friend is a photographer by trade and its windy and sunny.
Got it. Notice how i look beautiful and she looks haggard? Nope. Nice trick huh? She warned "You made that face."
Hey, i like to try to bring a bit of ugly and aggression to every photo i am in :) Success, i say.
Off to Panera, where i am going to pick up a sandwich to bring to my other friends.
I know, i have more than one friend--its surprises me as well.
Enter Panera. The land of the old and the crabby and the outdated.......and myself.(young, cool and hip)
I'm doing my usual smile thing. Trying to brighten a crowd of grumpy, hungry folks.
Its not working, i can feel their power overtake me as i feel my lip start to curl.....a snarl replaces my smile.
Once i order, the women--oldish--likely grumpy-- stars to crowd me.
And i don't like to be crowded. Ever.
Its like she thinks i have a batton and am about to proceed to give her the old "hand off".
But i'm not. And i don't.
Instead the creeper, stands about an inch away from my neck and waits for me to hurriedly grab my receipt and move out of line.
So as not to annoy her and her highwater pants and her BLUE TOOTH in her ear.
In her ear. A blue tooth. Did you read that?
I stand over by the water, only after getting breathed down the neck again by a thirsty water buffalo....
and i watch the blue tooth lady.
I feel like i want to kick her. I eye ball her.
She doesn't look back.
She knows, she can feel it.
But she never looks back.
She's afraid. I can tell.
As i patiently wait, taking up as little space as possible with my tiny water and 6 foot frame.
I see the manager walk my way.
High water pants and all.
"Oh seriously?!"
This woman, who clearly is the boss and forces people to talk to her, knowing they HAVE to respond to her annoying face leans over the counter (towards the workin crew) as she collects the buzzers and says (and i quote)
"How's Carol doing today?"
She said this TO Carol.
Like if i looked a you and said, "How's Sarah doing today?" (assuming that Sarah is reading this)
Are you feeling me?
My blood starts to boil and i want to kick her at the knees.
"You know what??? C.A.R.O.L. isn't feeling much like talking today, boss. CAROL is actually trying to make sandwich's for the 586 geriatric patients you got waiting out here, bluetoothin' it up and slurpin' down water like camels, okay???
In my mind, that sentence is dripping in venom.
Ya feel me?
Ugh, Panera....why do you always do this to me?! I only wanted a beautifully handcrafted Italian combo sandwich made by Carol herself.
Now, i end up talking myself off a edge as i have to physically restrain myself from karate chopping the boss in the knees as i grab a handful of baguettes to throw--torpedo style-- at the crabby faces i see as i run out the door--maybe throwing in a somersault--for good measure. Just to get to my glorious friends house to share a sandwich.
My buzzer buzzes and i quickly snap to. I smile at the boss. Make eyes with bluetooth--give her the ol fingers to my eyes then to her--to warn her i am watching her--and hurriedly walk out the door. Sweating a bit.
I got to my friends house and it was wonderful. Glorious as always. And we had such a great time talking and enjoying each other. I tell ya, if God had to do it over again and choose another person to be Mary and carry baby Jesus--he would undoubtedly choose her. She's that good.
It was fun.
I picked up my boy from school.
My anger had subsided.
I got home and found myself happily doing the laundry, I put some water in my burnt roast and ended up sorting out the shoes in the entryway closet with a smile on my face.
Life.
Its the darnedest thing, isn't it?
How was your day?
.
I planned on getting up early to work out (like always)
Then i slept in, cause i get up when i want to! (like always)
Then i deducted that if i walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes that i could get upstairs just in time to make breakfast, make lunches and send my kids off to school in perfect harmony with smiles on their faces and love notes in their lunches. (like always)
My reality was not like my daydream. (like always)
I worked out for 23 minutes, flew upstairs in a sweaty heap, wrangled items for lunch, warmed a skillet with sausage patties and eggs--all while spontaneously trying to stretch my hammie in the process.
Yes, i DO need to stretch it even though i only walk on the treadmill--OKAY?! Sometimes Jimmy comes on through my headphones and i walk/jam for about 4.2 whole minutes--its sweat inducing, alright?!
Then i threaten the kids that i "can't drive them every single day" that "i have plans too!!" Assuming they will care and start moving faster then a slug.
Assumption wrong.
Then i acrobatically get the patties on the plate, pour the milk and zip lunch boxes all while kissing my youngest angel on the head--just because.
Wait, no--i mean i yell, "Hurry up! Here comes the bus!"
Exasperating my kids.
Then i watch as they run down the driveway and try to wrestle their heavy backpack straps around their tiny little angel shoulders.
And just as my sweet little delicate red head gets to the bus door (which is closed by now) the bus started to leave......
WITH MY PRECIOUS LITTLE-NEWBORN-BABY-RED-HEADED-ANGEL-CAKE ABOUT AN INCH FROM THE DOOR/WHEELS!!!!
All i could do was fumble and panic as i watched in horror....
Frozen. Feeling like if i watched she would be okay, but if i left to yell at her to "STOP!" i wouldn't have her in my view for about .8 seconds.
Thankfully the dummie bus driver (yes, i said dummie and i meant it) stopped after about 15 feet and my girl continued to load the bus as Ruby ran to catch it as well.
By then i was on the porch....
Just kind of frozen and worthless.
I waved at the busdriver and smiled.
I don't know why.
After i was sure they were going to live--i flew from the porch to the shower to quick wash up (you know how i love that part of the day). I had about 23 minutes to get ready, repack Juniors lunch, sear a roast and get it into ta crock pot before heading out to preschool.
I can do this.
As i got out of the shower, i hear my Dads van pull up and Juinor ran out to greet him (only after he assured me that Grandpa had stopped and he saw him)
I threw on makeup, toweled off my hair and met thim in the driveway as well. He had to drop off a piece of wood and we chatted.
9 minutes until i have to go.
I got this.
Finally after standing on the driveway chitchatting i said "I have to GO, Dad!"
And off i ran into the house to quick get the last of my supplies for the day.
I got Junior in the van.
Forgot to let the chickens out.
Let the chickens out.
Stepped in poop.(fist to sky) Cursed the chickens and the day i met them!
Wiped off my shoes in the grass.
Forgot my notebook (which i needed for a friend)
Ran into get that.
Had to remove my gross butt shoes.
Got back into the van. Started to back out.
Realized Ruby left the house with no sweatshirt--panicked that it was going to be cold.
Accepted i was going to be late to Preschool.
Ran back in--gross shoes off--grabbed sweatshirt--back to van.
Got to school--a tiny bit sweaty and dropped off the shirt at Rubys school. Apologized to the secretary for doing this every day.
Flew to preschool and dropped my little prefect boy at school--15 minutes late.
I let myself breath as i now had to decide if i should go back home to clean (which i felt like i should do) or if i should go to the store to get cheese and milk (which i had to do)
I decided to head North. I had to clean up a bit.
Then I U-turned at the next light and headed South. The house can wait. I'm going to the store.
Got to Target. Pondered if i should go in or go to Trader Joes.
Went in. Grumped around the apples, thinking Trader Joes apples are a bit better and then i heard it.
"What are you doing here?!"
I turned around to see my perfect friend, Ang, coming at me with a cart and her baby.
"I'm gru-mpy!" i said, not even fake smiling. (cause we're real like that)
Seeing her was all it took to turn my frown upside down.
I said "What do ya wanna do?!" And she said "we're already here!"
Cause whenever we get together it always involves a stop at Target. 'Cause how else would we paint our nails, huh?
We shopped. Got a coffee, visited, and shopped some more.
We took a "selfie" which is quick and easy.
No, i mean, impossibly hard--especially when your friend is a photographer by trade and its windy and sunny.
Got it. Notice how i look beautiful and she looks haggard? Nope. Nice trick huh? She warned "You made that face."
Hey, i like to try to bring a bit of ugly and aggression to every photo i am in :) Success, i say.
Off to Panera, where i am going to pick up a sandwich to bring to my other friends.
I know, i have more than one friend--its surprises me as well.
Enter Panera. The land of the old and the crabby and the outdated.......and myself.(young, cool and hip)
I'm doing my usual smile thing. Trying to brighten a crowd of grumpy, hungry folks.
Its not working, i can feel their power overtake me as i feel my lip start to curl.....a snarl replaces my smile.
Once i order, the women--oldish--likely grumpy-- stars to crowd me.
And i don't like to be crowded. Ever.
Its like she thinks i have a batton and am about to proceed to give her the old "hand off".
But i'm not. And i don't.
Instead the creeper, stands about an inch away from my neck and waits for me to hurriedly grab my receipt and move out of line.
So as not to annoy her and her highwater pants and her BLUE TOOTH in her ear.
In her ear. A blue tooth. Did you read that?
I stand over by the water, only after getting breathed down the neck again by a thirsty water buffalo....
and i watch the blue tooth lady.
I feel like i want to kick her. I eye ball her.
She doesn't look back.
She knows, she can feel it.
But she never looks back.
She's afraid. I can tell.
As i patiently wait, taking up as little space as possible with my tiny water and 6 foot frame.
I see the manager walk my way.
High water pants and all.
"Oh seriously?!"
This woman, who clearly is the boss and forces people to talk to her, knowing they HAVE to respond to her annoying face leans over the counter (towards the workin crew) as she collects the buzzers and says (and i quote)
"How's Carol doing today?"
She said this TO Carol.
Like if i looked a you and said, "How's Sarah doing today?" (assuming that Sarah is reading this)
Are you feeling me?
My blood starts to boil and i want to kick her at the knees.
"You know what??? C.A.R.O.L. isn't feeling much like talking today, boss. CAROL is actually trying to make sandwich's for the 586 geriatric patients you got waiting out here, bluetoothin' it up and slurpin' down water like camels, okay???
In my mind, that sentence is dripping in venom.
Ya feel me?
Ugh, Panera....why do you always do this to me?! I only wanted a beautifully handcrafted Italian combo sandwich made by Carol herself.
Now, i end up talking myself off a edge as i have to physically restrain myself from karate chopping the boss in the knees as i grab a handful of baguettes to throw--torpedo style-- at the crabby faces i see as i run out the door--maybe throwing in a somersault--for good measure. Just to get to my glorious friends house to share a sandwich.
My buzzer buzzes and i quickly snap to. I smile at the boss. Make eyes with bluetooth--give her the ol fingers to my eyes then to her--to warn her i am watching her--and hurriedly walk out the door. Sweating a bit.
I got to my friends house and it was wonderful. Glorious as always. And we had such a great time talking and enjoying each other. I tell ya, if God had to do it over again and choose another person to be Mary and carry baby Jesus--he would undoubtedly choose her. She's that good.
It was fun.
I picked up my boy from school.
My anger had subsided.
I got home and found myself happily doing the laundry, I put some water in my burnt roast and ended up sorting out the shoes in the entryway closet with a smile on my face.
Life.
Its the darnedest thing, isn't it?
How was your day?
.
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