Get out alive

I knew this morning was going to be a good one when i woke up and opened the window to feel the cool breeze.

I made special monkey bread for the family as Jeromy slept and the kids played outside.

Coffee was brewing.

The wind was blowing.

The kids were laughing...

... and all was good.

Jeromy woke up and we ate breakfast together and had coffee and then he proceeded to head outside to work on his camper.

I continued to work on the inside of the house.  Randomly looking out my window to see the kids in their backpacks and hats making their way through the woods and up in the trees

They were playing a game.

Which is a fun one we play since we introduced the kids to the show "Get out alive" with Bear Grylls.

Ruby loves to play "Bear" and makes the other kids be the contestants and they have to create a "food" or "shelter" for the day.

Like so...You can't quite tell, but this is alot of pine needles, an what looks to be one of my solar lights from the front porch and some balls, and sticks and maybe a walnut from my parents tree...i don't even know.

I noticed a tree was broken as one of the kids tried to get sticks for their "fire"--one of the challenges of the show.

Duh.

And i showed it to Jeromy and we decided it was time to call the contestants in and tell them what they did well in this challenge and what they needed to work on. (one being, stop breaking healthy trees)

Jeromy brought them inside to the table and was very serious when addressing who had the challenge of the "fire" and how they did and then who made the "shelter" and how did they feel that went. And then he asked, "who broke the tree?"

All fingers pointed to Laney. And Jeromy continued--as i had to hold my hand over my mouth and pretended to be concentrating instead of stifling a laugh--that although that was a good plan and it would have been nice to have more branches to create a softer shelter...Laney, you in fact, would NOT get out alive. Sorry.

Okay, I see that sounds harsh. But if you watch the show--which we did--that is the "line" that's the "You're fired" signature Trump line. Its how you know who goes home each week. The one that wouldn't get out alive.

Laney took this seriously.

Quietly.

And stood up and went downstairs, as i heard her begin to whimper.

Which made me look at Jeromy and say "They were a team, the TEAM was supposed to go! Not our highly sensitive daughter! Geez."

Damage was done.

We moved on.

Jeromy went back out to the camper.

I continued to clean around the house.

And the kids eventually went back outside. This time with heavier backpacks and water bottles.

Our kids are so cool. So wildernessey.  I thought.  I bet they would get out alive if this show was for kids.

My kids rock.

They are mature and street smart beyond their years.

So as i continued to clean in each room i would look out the window and see them and say "hello" as they went around the house gathering this and that.

So cool.

What a great day.

They randomly would stop and wait for new directions from "the boss". Bear.

And then off they would go again....

So fun.

All was perfect in the land of the Boones.

Laundry was getting done.  Camper was getting--well, as fixed as you want to call it. The kids were playing  there was no harm, no foul to be seen.

My kids were imagining surviving the mountainous terrain of New Zealand.

That is, until a little birdie, who answers to the name of Junior, came inside to ask me for something and happened to mention that-oh yea,  "Ruby was cracking eggs in the woods!"

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch.......

Say what?

Ruby is what now?

I stood up and walked to the door, threw on my flips and off i went....looking for that Ruby.

I stopped a the camper to ask Jeromy if he knew about this, "Do you know Ruby is cracking eggs--in the woods!!"

"well, just one." he answers.

"Oh, only one? Did you tell her that was okay? Did she ask you?"

"Umm, nope. She didn't ask me."

(blink. blink.)

Oh, okay--so you're not really sure about any of this, not super concerned and are just saying you think it would be one egg, if she were in fact cracking eggs--IN THE WOODS? Oh boy--you can just go back to hammering stuff, man.

Off  I go to the back woods calling for the girls.

No answer.

No answer.

Finally i hear them in the side field playing.

Playing.

Like they hadn't just cracked our FOOD, in the dirt!!

"Ruby"  i say calmly. Cause that is my nature. Soft and calm.

"Did you crack an egg out here?"

"yes"

"Where did you put it?" I ask.

"In the compost like you always do, Mom."

"The egg is in the compost? Or just the shell?" i say.

"The shell. Just the shells."

"Shells--plural" i say.

"How many eggs did you crack, Ruby?"

(shoulder shrug) "I dunno"

"YOU DON'T KNOW!!.......well where did you crack these mysteriously uncountable eggs?!"

"In here" she says, handing me a bottle from her back pack.

(blink. blink.)


(blink)


"Well, maybe next time don't crack eggs--our food that we raise, grow and eat--in a bottle. Okay?!

I walked to the house. Took a picture of the "egg bottle" and cursed the day i ever let them watch 'Get out alive with Bear Grylls'.

(insert fist to sky)

 Darn you, Bear and all your wilderness and adventure awesomeness......DARN you!!!

But its still a good day.

The wind is blowing.

The coffee is waiting.

And the kids are a crackin' the heck out of our eggs!

All for the love of "getting out alive!"

a new season.

The season is changing. I am torn about how i feel. Obviously this is the topic of my conversation and thoughts these days.

My kids will be in school. All three of them. This year.

How 'bout that...

As i process that, i think back to the beginning of Summer when all three of them were in VBX at Oak Haven Church.  I would drop them off at 9 ish and pick them up before noon.

I specifically remember that first day driving out of the parking lot.  As i waited at the stop light to turn onto Hwy 65 i felt a bit lost.  Like i didn't know what to do. Like i didn't like being away from all of them at the same time.  Like things were a changin'.

Even if only for a week.

But as with most change....we get used to it.  We adjust.

The things that feel overwhelming and unthinkable become tolerable and comfortable.

Clearly i have planted my roots at home.  I have invested each and every day of my life, for the past 8 years, to my kids and to their well being and their needs and their raising.

I have rocked them. Kissed them. Laughed with them. Taught them. Sang with them. Watched them. Smiled a them.Explored with them. Ate alot of ice cream with them.  Drove with them. Danced with them. Scolded them. Disciplined them. Shaped them. And loved them.

And now what??

What am i to do now?

This journey is taking a turn. One i never even imagined i'd get to. All those sleepless nights. All those puke buckets. All those nights on the couch. All those moments where i thought i was going to lose it. All those moments of being completely covered with kids, but feeling so desperately alone. Those days that i thought would never end.They were so hard back then. And they seemed like they would never end.

And yet now--already-- they are here. And I will have moments of silence. Moments to myself. Quietness.

But i don't know if I'm ready for that just yet.

I can't just blindly send my kids off and carry on with my day. With my hopes and with my dreams.

I don't suddenly want to further my education. Get a job. Get attention. Or make life all about me.

I know so many women spread their wings when the kids leave.  And i can see how you could choose that path.

But for me. I think about my kids. I hope they are enjoying the day. I hope they aren't too bored. Or frustrated. Or afraid.  I hope they are happy. I want them to be happy. And i invest my time going to school to make them happy.

I feel like this new season of "school" is like a full time job for me.  I spend more time running back and forth eating lunches and pushing the kids on the tire swing then i ever imagined.

And i don't think its because i am overly involved. I don't helicopter.

I invest.

I know they need to learn to be on their own. And they will. They do.

But i always cling to the fact that i want them to be so secure in my love. To see me and trust me and depend on me, that they can be successful people as they grow.

School doesn't mean i'm done.  I don't feel a sigh of relief.  I feel a new demand. I'm going to embrace it.

Cause i just love those little buggars so much. I couldn't imagine checking out for 8 hours of "freedom".

 Lord, help me if i ever love the freedom more than the hugs.

I don't want to turn to selfish ways. To pats on the back. To furthering myself. To earthly affirmation.

Not just yet.

Because to me. Now that they will be away. Even if only for 10 hours a week.  I feel that the need to be home and available holds so much more importance now. Pressing. Necessary.

These little humans are my blood, my body, my heart. And heaven help me if i invest so much in myself, that they don't have a secure house, their nest, to return to each and every night with their Momma in it.

I want to greet them with dinner and a smile.

I can't check out now.

I know i will survive. And hopefully adapt to this new change. But i don't want to look forward to it.

As my mind wonders--every day--what my new routine will be. I have to always keep them first. My role as mother and wife is more important then my role as women living in this world.

Its a slippery slope. I can see it. I can even feel the tug at times. But i've got on my hiking boots and i'm in this for the long haul. I've gotta be....

Here's to a season of change. May God grant me the strength and wisdom to transition gracefully with my sights set on their needs first and all that is good. And not the ways of this world.

Its coming.

I can feel it in my bones again---schools coming.

The other night i woke up in a panic as i realized that school is only one more full week away. And i had a stomach ache the rest of the night as i thought about my kids being there.

I love the school setting, the community, the togetherness and the camaraderie that they have and share there. I do.  I just wish they could have all that and i could be with them the whole day.

I know you homeshooling Moms are going to be disappointed that i haven't pulled them yet.  And i am a bit disappointed myself.

Believe me i have agonized over this decision and come to the conclusion that maybe middle school is when they should be a home? I don't even know anymore.

All i do know is--i don't want to sent them away again.  And yet having them home all summer, i haven't done a great job practicing their reading and math either.

Our days have looked a bit like this--wake up and watch some tv while i make breakfast. Then we end up outside. Or at a movie. Or swimming a the pool next door. Or in the garden picking our veggies. Or collecting eggs. Or riding bikes. Or playing at the park. Or driving up to DQ. Or playing ball in the driveway. Or making food together. Or snuggling on the couch.

And i don't want to lose that. I don't want to have the 4 to 7 hour at night when my girls are tapped out from school and we have to cram in reading homework or study our history. I want the days. The good parts.

But i have already shown myself that when we have a whole day together we aren't organized and learning out of a book. But we are learning from real life.  And i think that is equally important. But if your kid can't read but he can swim laps in a pool--not really something to put on his resume.

So i understand that they need school. I know.

I just don't  like sending them. Plain and simple.

I told Jeromy recently that i wish i could just "home-hang" them. (that  looks bad on paper, but sounded better when i said it--i swear.)

I want to "home-hang". I want to be home and hang with my kids.  All the time. (well, except for a random night when i need to go out with my friends and paint my nails!;) )

I actually feel like a sob is just hanging in the air. Over my head. At all times. And i know its the thought of them leaving for 8 hours a day, again.

I can't shake it, but i can't seem to change it either. Because they love school. And i love seeing that.

I love their little classes. The kids are so precious and i feel like i know them all. I know who i want in my girls classes, and who i don't.  But regardless, i trust that God will place them where He wants them to be. I have to. Because its my prayer with the most volume behind it.

My panic prayer. My pleading prayer. My concerned prayer. My daily prayer.

And that truly reassures me. Each day before they head out to the bus, they wait at the door, sometimes moaning "Moo-oom ,come on. Hurry up and pray so i can go out!!"  And even when they are whining about it. I am always proud of them. Happy for the habit. And confident that God is listening.

So i grab them individually and pray aloud for their safety, their heart, their friends and teachers, and their minds.  And off they go.

In fact, i do about 90% of things in life wrong. But this--this is the one moment every day when i know all is right. When we are together in prayer and I am hugging my girls.

The thing is, i don't just throw up a prayer out of habit. I pray each morning as if i am putting on their armor for the day. And it truly (and not much else does) makes me feel like they are going to be okay while they are away from me.  Because i believe that, when we ask God to put his angels around East Bethel Community School every morning, He does.  I know they are there. Standing watch. Protecting the innocent children. And that's what gets me through another day of this "school life".

Uff. I feel it coming. I feel me chest tightening. I feel the sob hanging. Lingering over me. But i am going to enjoy this next week or so that have them here. And then i'm going to face that first day of school like i do every other year. With my car keys in hand, so that when the bus passes by, i can get into the van and follow it to school. .You know, just for good measure :)


Cause that's how i roll....