My boy

Some days are just good days. Ya know?

I know you know...

Right?

Every now and again, unexpectedly, God will just give me a day full of blessings. Even in an April winter weather advisory, life can be sunshine and rainbows at the Boone house.

Today stems from yesterday. I think.

Yesterday i was determined to clean my room.

I know, what a difficult task?  Well, yeah, it WAS a difficult task.

I happen to clean like a person with severe ADD, ADHD, OOOCD (opposite of obsessive compulsive disorder).  Sometimes i feel lazy, and most days i get super distracted by windows--i can't stand streaks.....

Ha! I joke, i don't care about streaks, i just like to look out windows, you never know what exciting thing you'll see. A bird, a chicken, a hawk (thats not a good thing) a dog, a dog eating a chicken (again, not a good thing)

The sun.

The trees.

The sky.

Its all glorious and totally distracting to me.

So yesterday i was determined to take every miss matched glove, sock, hat, toy, truck, basket, shoe, and hair thing and put it back in its actual home.

Yes, every now and again i have to do the ol "sniff test" on the undies...whateves....its our life, its what we do.

That is, until i did a sniff test on a shirt that was under a bunch of other things--i sniffed a long sleeved white shirt...and about fell over.

It was mine. I know, guh-ross...It was from a recent sweat induced run that i did. And with my organic deodorant...well, lets just say it almost made me give up for the day.

I had to find a window to focus on until the nausea passed. (Ha! It wasn't that bad---but close)

But like a champion, i carried on.

All my baskets got emptied, put away, and stored in the laundry room.

All the clothes made it into each child's room, and into their drawers.

Polly pockets made it...well, they look like they have just experienced an atomic bomb...but its in the girls room.

Hey, i never said i was perfect--back off!!

So after a day of super hard cleaning. I woke up today and felt refreshed.

For the first time, in like forever, i didn't wake up in the weeds. And it was magical.

Ya know why?

I have spent the whole day (minus my typing time now--but i'm quick--so chillax) hanging with my boy.

My beautiful, angelic, hilarious, handsome, strong, funny and edible baby boy.

We started out the day planning our festivities.  Which included making cookies--cause Momma needs her sugar--okay?!

But he was totally on board with that, cause he--like me--has the Kneiszler genes. And that's what we eat :) (Thanks Dad.)

Next i scrubbed the floors, with him on my back, yelling out "Yeee-hawwww" every chance he got.

Then i thought i broke my knee caps due to the extra 200 pounds, so we took a break in his room to read his eye spy book.

Then we made pizza.

And when i asked him if he wanted ranch dip on his plate---he "shushed" me because the preview for Avatar was on and he needed to pay 100% attention to the "Army guys".

The he said the blue guys were "bad" and i corrected him and said actually the "army guys" were kind of bad in this show.

Well, that didn't go over very well--but i digress.

We have just spend such quality time "hanging out" today. Like really hanging out. Not distracting him while i do dishes or put a movie on and leave the room, we just hung.

And ya know what?

That kid is totally cool (i mean, i already knew that. But i just wanted you to know.) Hes so nice.  He's funny.  Hes good company. And he smiles a whole heck of a lot.  And that in itself brings joy to my day.

I try to remind him about every 20 minutes or so that i need a kiss and that he's my best boy and that he better be kissing his Momma even when he's big.  Which only sends him into his description of what he going to be when he's big and "how can he kiss me when he's an Army guy?"

They i say "who's gonna snuggle you when you're an Army guy?"

And he thinks for a second and says that the wants to "marry me and then we can snuggle.... but what about Dad?"

Then his little eyes light up and he says "Then Dad will be our son!!!" And he laughs and asks me what we should name him? And i name off all the names that that i can think of and then i say "Jeromy" and Junior smiles and says "that's a good name!"

He's my boy. Plain and simple.

Sometimes i see him and i just think i want to inhale him and keep him this age forever.

Or pinch that little booty for the rest of my life.

Or snuggle, face to face, every night until I die.

He brings me joy.

Even on a cloudy, cold, rain/snowy day....

Its Sunny and 80 degrees in this house.

Because my little guy is better than warm weather, he's a warm little body that i want to snuggle for ever and ever until the end of time---even if it means i have to be an "Army girl"

Stay here.

Lately i have been pondering a thought...the same thought i have been pondering for the past year and a half. A thought that i never--in my wildest dreams--would have thought i would ever be considering.

Homeschooling.

I can't shake the feeling that my kids would benefit from it. I would benefit from it.  Our family would benefit from it.

Its not because i don't like my district. Well, i don't love the district, but i really do LOVE East Bethel Community School and all the teachers and staff there. Ruby has had some great teachers, and i have friends who work in the building all whom have made our experience there a good one.  There has been great parties, dances,  and get togethers. We have experienced a lot of really fun things. And i like it.

But then each day when i go to pick them up, or visit them at lunch or play with them at recess i fell a tiny pain in my heart. Like it hurts me a bit to see them away from me. Outside of my wing and away from my embrace.

As i ponder this decision i feel scared. Unsure. Nervous. Overwhelmed.

Anyone who knows me probably knows that this doesn't seem to be a good fit.  I am not "that parent" who is perfectly organized with cubbies, dividers and chore charts. But i DO love my kids. And i DO feel like i had them so that i could spend time with them. I don't like being away from them 8 hours a day.

I know i can do this--if i choose it.  It may be hard. It may be temporary, heck, they may go to prom with their Dad, but i don't want to NOT do it and regret it. I don't want to look back and think why did i think it would be so hard? They are only young once. And we have so much fun learning and experiencing life together.

I don't talk about this choice with many people, mostly because i don't want the criticism, or the warnings, or the doom and gloom of raising weird, unsocialized homeschoolers.

But we aren't weird, we aren't unsocialized. I mean, hello, have you met us?!  Socialization is the furthest from our problems!! :)

Today as i picked up my beautiful girls i glanced up the carpool line and I saw a mess of glorious red hair shimmering in the sun and a protective sisters hand holding her back from running--out of turn-- to the car to meet me...and for a second, i didn't see a second grader and a kindergartner....

I saw my little babies....and it hurt.

They shouldn't be away from me, not all day, not yet.

Not today

Lately i have been surrounding myself with stories of hope, stories of endurance, and most of all stories of perseverance.  Because that intrigues me. It encourages me. It teaches me. It reveals to me the power of the human spirit.

I've been on a quest recently. Sometimes consciously sometimes not. To be better. And to know what that truly means. To live every day of my life fully. I want to look back and think that i put in my all in life. Every day. Fully.  I want to feel like i accomplished something.

I have always worried (and sometimes overworried) that when i got old, i was going to look back and think "What did you do all those years?  Why didn't you try harder?  Give life 100%?

And i think that has slowly been overtaking me.  My Mom says i am turning into a "liberated woman now."  And maybe she's right.  But where i differ from a woman's libber is this--I still value family, and my children and put them first. I always will. I'm not off pursuing my dreams leaving my kids to fend for themselves while i sow all the oats that i should have sowed when i was 19 and single. No I am not that women's libber.  I al moving forward and bringing my husband and children with me.

I look at my kids and i see that the world is their oyster. I want so desperately for them to know that.  I want to them to live life so fully  and with so much passion and so much joy that it feels a bit overwhelming.

My motto these days is "theres no obstacle that we can't overcome!!" I feel so passionately about that.

In an uncertain time in life. When we feel knocked down...all we have to do is stand up..

There are so many nah sayers in life. So many half empty glasses. So many poor me, its too hard, it hurts, i'm disabled, they did me wrong attitudes out there.  And lately, especially, it bothers me.

Our generation bothers me.

For us, there have been many storms lately.  Some self inflicted, many not. But through those storms, i have seen the sun.

I have seen rainbows.

I have seen the sunset.

And i have seen the sun rise.

And that is where my focus is.  Not on the negative, not on the obstacles, not on the impossible. But on the passion, the possibilities, the strength.

I have gone into long winded rants about my new found path and strength. Often times my husband just looks at me, bewildered, as i tell him that i am on moving up in life. I am moving forward, and if people aren't with me? Well, then they're against me. Of course.

Every now and then when he asks me about his work pants and if they are clean or dirty. I hastily say "you don't own me girlfriend (snap, snap, and one more dramatic snap)!!" And then i quickly run down to the dryer and pull them out. I want to serve. But sometimes i feel like i want to remind him of that...

He just rolls his eyes. And is as confused as normal.

I feel powerful these days.  In a time where we could and possibly should be broken. I feel strong.

When social injustices used to drive me mad. Now, when i am facing trials and somone is playing a game and trying to bait me--you know what i do?

I keep walking forward. Case i ain't got time for the negativity. (it actually pained me to type "ain't" and i want to apologize for that.)

Cause this girl is on fire, and I'm blazin the trail folks.


There are so many people who have real problems, face real dilemmas and that is where my heart breaks. When i hear people complaining about their past, how someone "done them wrong." I just don't care anymore.  I am tired of the crying. I am tired of the tears people cry for themselves when there are real people who are out there facing real problems and overcoming real difficulties.  When a beautiful young Mother of two adorably precious daughters, just freshly 30, is battling cancer and carrying her head higher than anyone else. Has joy in her heart. Strength in her eyes. And a joke on her lips. All the while a tore up knee, chemotherapy and constant sickness?!  Uh, yeah--that's real strength..  That's how God intended us to be. I know God looks down on her and is overcome with pride. She--is what the human race could learn from. Those are the beautiful souls who are truly fighting, and persevering, and strong. The ones who get knocked down but find a way to get up.  Who get hurt, but recover. Who are in need, but press on. Who God made us to be.

Strong.

When we run so hard and so fast through the battlefields of life that we get tangles in the barbed wire. Even though we feel broken. Heavy laden. Tore apart. If we press on, endure, persevere--someone may just come along and cuts us free. And instead of focusing on the reason we became entangled, we ought to focus on who saved us! Who gave us life. A second chance. Strength to move forward.

In a book i read recently about a POW, who had endured months and month of torture by a particular guard who wanted to break him. To dehumanize him. To take away his dignity.  One day--after hours and hours of strenuous labor, with a broken foot and after years of starvation and dwindled strength--that guard demanded that the POW pick up a 6 foot long plank of wood and hold it over his head.  If he faltered, he endured more torture at the hands of another guard.  As the guard sat there, sneering, at the inmate who would likely fail. But instead, something lit up inside that inmate. Suddenly just before he lost consciousness, he felt that fire inside, telling him "You will not break me!" And he stared back at the guard never wavering, not giving him the pleasure of taking one more things from him.  He persevered. Beyond what he thought he was capable of.  It was amazing.

That imagery has been stuck in my head this week.  Can we hold a plank over our heads, even after we are weary and sure of failure?

Yes. We can. And not only that, but we can succeed.

 I believe we are capable of so much more than we know. Don't give up.

If you've fallen in life-- Get. Back.Up.

So today, as i ran on the treadmill, i felt strong.  I felt the warmth of a fire heating up inside of me.

Because-- you will not break me today, world.  Not today.  'Cause this girl is on FIRE!!!