Be calm

Here's the dealio--I'm mad.

I tried to not be mad before i wrote this. I did. I even read a funny post by the Pioneer Woman in hopes to settle my soul.

But it didn't work.

And then i ate a Little Debbie Valentine heart, okay?

Fine--two hearts! Geez, get off my back.

And i still feel grump to the eeeee.

A while back (a few weeks ago) i came across a song that just fits me. Its gets me. Its like its reading my mind and living in my soul.  Its the ying to my yang. It completes me. And of course, it by the band FUN.  My fave.

Little did i know how very much i would need to remember those words in the weeks that followed.

Cause--Yuck--this month has bitten. Totally.

I feel like running. And i don't mean on a treadmill.

Like if i could just run--pack up my family-- and run.  All would be better.

But alas, i know the saying--No matter where ya go, there ya are.  And that would be my problem.

So instead of whining about all the junk that is happening, or all the things that i wish i could change.

I will share this song with you...

Any song that yells the words "Be calm" is alright with me...

So, today--I am going to be calm.

BE CALM!!!!!!!!

My Devil

Here we go.

I'm gonna do this, publicly.

Walk through my thoughts today.

I do with everything else, why not do it with the ugliness in life too.

I don't want my "blog" to be anything that is fake, or untrue, or all sunshine when its raining out side. Am i right?

Today i am dealing with the devil.

I believe the devil comes in so many forms to so many people. Greed, lust, dishonesty, envy, fear, malice...the list goes on and on.

But for me. The devil has a face. And that face creates hate in my heart.

Its is so frustrating to be a Christian and to know all that this world is missing and to love and want to represent Christ at every turn. But then you come across your "devil" and the flesh begins to take over.

At least that's what happens to me.

There are a hand full of people in my life, all connected, that manage to bring me down at every stinking turn in life. As hard as i fight it, and as much as i pray about it, my flesh often times wins.  Hate and anger take over the love and the peace.

And I don't know how to handle that. Especially as a Christian.  My heart is full of love. But if i were honest, way back deep in the darkest corner of my heart, i have a little place where hate and anger live. And as much as i try to ignore it, it is always there.

I have people in my life that are "irregular". A situation that many others don't face. But i don't want to hide it. I don't think its right to pretend it doesn't exist. And i certainly don't want to be the christian hypocrite who talks all love and harmony in public but schemes and plots behind closed doors.  Because that is what i feel like i am dealing with today.

I know those faces are the devils because they spin conversations of confusion, lies, deception and manipulation.  Dealing with my "devil" makes me feel like i am imploding, silently.

I know that when i am angry, i am very froward. I don't let much time pass before i need to deal with a situation.   I just have to. Its who I am.

So i may get angry. And i may seem very upfront. And i get upset and vocalize it.  But you know what?

At least you know what you are dealing with then? As mad as i can get or as harsh as i can talk, i am not unreasonable. I won't cut you off or refuse to deal with something.

And that is important to me.

I can always hear the truth. I can debate my side. I can hear your side. I can get through it. But i don't and won't ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist.

This "devil" in my life. I have had better days with. We have gotten along.  As long as i'm only nodding my head and agreeing at every turn, why not smile?  But when you disagree with a person and they become unreasonable? What do you do with that?

How do you fight an invisible war? How do you defend lies or combat hate that is spread in secret?

I have tried.

I will continue to try.

 But i don't want to hide it under a bushel today. I don't want to act as if there are no problems in life or that everything is sunshine and rainbows.  Some days are bad. Some people test your patients and faith.

Some situations seem hopeless.

My flesh wants to rise up. Making a statement that you thought i was bad before...well watch out now. Cause you ain't seen nothing yet. My flesh wants to call out all of their hypocrisy, lies, hate, dishonesty, scheming. If i were truthful, i would say that i want to meet that "devil" on a hill at the school yard.  Ya get me?

But that is my flesh. And as a Christian its a daily battle to win the war against our flesh. Our selfishness. Our need to be right. To be respected. To be heard. And to be understood.

Fire runs through my veins as i recount a situations from last night. I have a very difficult time dealing with disrespect.  In a bad situation i believe we have to stay "in it" and defend ourselves or back up our opinions. But when you get shut down or a person won't acknowledge the problem or try to turn it around as act like you're the problem. Its just gets hairy, ya know?

Today i want to fight hypocrisy with honesty.  I am a Christian and i love Jesus, and i struggle with hate in my heart.  Its embarrassing to type. I hope no one is so appalled by this fact.

I hope as a family of Christ we can all be open about our shortcomings so that we can be better. Because to hide it. To disguise it. To ignore it.

Is to pretend.

And i don't want to put on a show. Not for anyone. I would never stand in front of a group of people telling my story of pain and suffering on this earth with out acknowledging my sin in all of it.

I am a sinner.

But He is good.  His news is good. He is a redeemer.

And today I am going to listen to his teachings. I am going to put my knowledge to work. I am going to live out my faith. I'm going to "Cast all my cares on the Lord so he will sustain me...". (Psalms 55:22). Because i have proven time and time again, that i can't do it alone.

I keep falling.

But today, i think i'll stay down....

And let Christ fight my battle for me.

Amen.

2013

Its heeee-eeere!!! Time for New Year's Resolutions!! I am so totally stoked about this. It energizes me, more than Kale, to think about all of the changes that i want to make in 2013!

I thought about it,  wrote it down, thought about it, went into deeper detail, wrote it down...and then lost my notebook!

Story of my LIFE... i mean story of 1981-2012, but not 2013. I WILL be better. Which leads me to my next thoughts...

In the year of 2013, i want to be better. Just be. Better. At all things.

I am so totally tired of people texting, texting while driving, texting while bike riding, texting while at a desk, table, or couch. Texting while talking, texting while in line at a store or at a restaurant...texting, texting, texting! It is my nemasis. And i will stand strong against it. Its just the beginning of the end, if ya ask me---and YES i am assuming you ARE asking me, sooooo...

I want to fight the power of smartphones, facebook, and twitter. I  believe whole heatedly that they are the antichrist and we are so consumed with them and having everything at our fingertips, autocorrecting our own words that we are becoming mush brains-- MUSHBRAINS, i tell you!

I am so totes over elitism, arrogance, "defriending" and taking yourself too seriously. Laugh people. Laugh a little.

I do not believe that the value of an animals life is ANYWHERE close to a humans. Anywhere.

I am going off "the juice" in 2013. As for what "the juice" is...i call alot of things that. Coffee, ice cream, sugar, sugary snacks, sugary anything...mmmmmmm, i do love "the juice"!!

I am overhauling my meal planning. Its going to be serious and its gonna be radical.(more on that another time)

I continue to love Jimmy Fallon.

I want to be more like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler...just not so left winged--AMIRIGHT?

I miss Kristen Wiig on SNL.

I have read and enjoyed many books this past year and will continue to do so into the new year. Yeah for readers. READERS ARE LEADERS!! (spread the word)

Speaking of leaders, my wonderful-and so much cooler than me--friend, Angela, and i are starting a book club. Its gonna be ridiculously cool and you can all join. I am very excited about this.

I will get more chickens "before the rooster crows"...Ha! Not possible, i own a rooster and he will crow at around 4:30 tomorrow morning....soooo, i guess i will have more beautiful and glorious chickens before the ground thaws. Yes, that sounds right.

I am determined to learn how to can, preserve, and freeze my own produce this summer. It will be glorious as well. I want to live off the land. and own sheep, and own horses--no horses scare me--own Scottish Highland cows. (google them. They are A-mazing!)  Not pigs, i am a bit Jewish when it comes to pigs. Yuck. Lots more chickens, a few ducks....awww, baby ducks. Oh, how i loooong to be a farmer.

I am aiming to...[cough].... hug more.[Oh, gross] I feel like maybe my disdain for hugging has left some awkward goodbyes and i am going to try to fix that. No matter how weird it feels when my monkey like arms hug around a person and come back around to touch my own shoulders...Oy. this is going to be a toughie. If you read this, and see me--be gentle with the hugs.  Lets not overdo it, okay?

Speaking of hugs...i am thinking after 3 years of wearing organic deodorant, maybe i should just buck up--fill myself  with cancer causing aluminum--and go back to Dove deodorant? ---Nope. I don't know if i can. But maybe.

I want to wake up early and write. Yes, i said write. What, i can't be a writer? Is it my age? Inability? What? Oh never mind, who asked you anyways.  I am going to wake up early or stay up late writing. I have notebook's and notebooks from when i was younger and story upon story that i enjoy reading even now. I am going to write. Maybe a novel. You don't know. You don't know me, girrrrl. (snap left, snap right, and snap back left)

I guess i am running in a 7K in March (gag) since i have a bossy friend and she manages to tell me what to do and i accidentally (always) say yes--time after time. I may just get stuck doing this crazy thing. I will make her think she is in charge, but what she doesn't know is that she is going to play church softball with us this summer. And she is going to practice so that she doesn't embarrass me--leaving me no choice but to break up with her. (warm up that arm, Lady T)

And i am going to try more smiling and nodding when my husband talks.....(silently smiling and nodding) No words, no answers, no "why??!" just a smile and a nod, smile and nod, smile and nod. I've got high hopes for this one. And like they say, "Fake it till ya make it." (picture me smiling and nodding at you, right now)

I am going to combat HATE with LOVE. I am determined.

I will continue to pray for the families of Newtown the moment my eyes open-- every day.

I want to make Christ proud this year. Intentionally, every day, every moment, eyes on Him--proud.

Lastly i am going to live the year 2013 clinging to this verse, II Timothy 1:7 " For God hath not given us the spirit of fear,  but of power and of love and of sound mind."  I need this verse. Each day as i wake up, i need this verse.

What are your hopes and dreams for 2013?? I would love to hear them...

Happy New Year friends!!  Make goals, try, change, be better, love, give, smile, high five, snuggle, trust, laugh, and enjoy life!!!

Live a life full of love....the world needs it.