I need thee

This week has been a rough one. As many of you know, that tragedy in Connecticut has really taken the wind our of my sails.  Each morning i still wake up thinking of those kids. Those parents. The friends. That town.

I pray diligently for peace and for God's love to just cover those families. And then i try to carry on with my day. But its never quite out of my mind.  There is a new pain that i am learning to live with.

At first it was a sorrow. And then anger. And now there is just a piece of me that is always imagining those families-- How is there day going at this exact moment. And then i imagine my precious children's faces. And remind myself never to ever grow numb. Never to go back to normal.

Because, that is in fact, what i think its wrong with this world.  We grow accustom to this stuff. It shocks us, saddens us. Maybe for a brief moment, but eventually we all return to our normal life.

And i am refusing to do that. I will be changed by this. And i will not go back to life before it.

As i was waiting in line at Target this morning I happened to glance over at the magazines. And there it was. PEOPLE's cover, filled with pictures of 26 beautiful lives--Lost.  And i had to look away.  Because that is how i am preserving myself these days. I have yet to see the news.  I just can't. I don't want to. I am healing and every glance that i see and every thing that i hear-- just sets me back. Puts me in their shoes. And i am stuck.

As i drove home, i thought about life without Christ. What a hopeless life that would be. And many of my friends and family live that life.  And it breaks my heart. Saddens my soul.

How?

How do you get through something without hope? Faith--in things not seen? Trust in our heavenly Father. Our Saviour?

How do you go about life. Without a greater purpose?

To be honest, I feel lost some days with Christ. So how do you do it without him?

I have been praying fervently this past week. Soul searching, really.

Wondering if God just looks down on us and shakes his head saying, what will it take to get you to focus your eyes on me?

 My soul cries out for Gods provision. Each moment of every day.

 I think of the lost. I think of the saved.

Are we really living our lives heaven bound? Do we focus on Jesus in all hours of the day? Do we focus on Jesus in any hours of the day?

Because i want to.

We need to.

This is my plea. As we celebrate a holiday devoted to God's child--Jesus. Let us be reminded that its not just a story. Its history. Allow yourself time to take it all in. Give yourself time to truly envision it... HE was a baby, not unlike yours or mine, that was born in a manger. He came to earth to die, so that we could truly live.

Not here on earth, but in heaven. Where there will be "No more night. No more pain. No more tears. Never crying again. And praises to the great "I AM." We will live in the light of the risen Lamb." (David Phelps lyrics)

That is my Christmas wish for you.

To take life seriously. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we can put our hope in Jesus. Right now.

Think about it. Do it. Don't wait.

Open up your Bible, and ask God to forgive your sins and cleanse you white as snow. That you may live in eternity with Him. 

Ephesians 2:8 :For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is a gift from God!

John 3:16 " For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 14:1 " Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God...

John 16:33 " In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I can not imagine a world without the HOPE of Jesus Christ. The uncertainly of where death will take me. The fear of the unknown. 

God is clear. Matthew 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." 

Don't just think about it.  

LIVE IT.

Ask, seek, Knock!

Trust Him and you will know a peace like never before!! God doesn't promise us that we won't have troubles on this earth, but he does promise us eternal life. Because "greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1 john 4:4)

I know i sound passionate about this, but its because i am. If i offend you, that was never my intent. Never. We just can't keep tip toeing around this earth.  We need to stand for something. We need Jesus and we need to be the change this world so desperately craves. 

Listen to this hymn, let the words sink into the depths of your soul and cry out to Him. This is my prayer for you--today and every day that follows. 

Horror

Yesterday was unspeakable. Unimaginable. Evil.

I have no words to describe the pain i feel for the families who lost their innocent and precious children yesterday.

My brain truly can not fathom how anyone could do this.

I knew nothing of the events yesterday. I felt in the weeds because i was running behind on preparations for dinner with friends at out house.  At around 12:30 my friend called me and said "Did you hear the news?" In a terribly somber voice.  I said "no." And she proceeded to tell me that "there was a shooting at a school, kindergarten through 4th grade..."

And i tell you, what i heard was "there's been a shooting at East Bethel Elementary School..."  Her kids go there and so do mine.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling that overtook my body. My lungs began to fill with fire and my stomach hurt. It was a pain so intense.Visceral. My hands started to shake as i, truly, thought this was happening at my school.

For a moment--my world stood still.

"turn on the news." she said.

I turned off Arthur and watched channel 4 in horror. Horror. After only a few minutes i turned the TV off and told Junior to get his shoes on. We were going to get my girls.  I needed a moment alone to compose myself as i felt like this journey went from being one i was going to experience to absorbing all the pain and sorrow that i now felt for families who lost their babies. Kindergartners.

Perfect, sweet, innocent and vulnerable. I pictured Laney's adorable class as i drove.  Envisioned our principle and our teachers. It was horrific.

As i walked into the office the principle was quietly talking to the secretaries. I waited for her to leave. Assuming she was talking about the days events.

And then i said "I am here to pick up my kids early."  The secretary said okay.

And then she looked at me and gently said " They are safe here."

 I did everything in my power to keep my composure. I nodded and said, "i just need them home."

And she called for Ruby i was able to go get Laney as i knew she was getting ready for recess.  She was shocked and all the kids were happy. Laughing and talking. Waving and hugging me as i walked through the hall. They are all so innocent. So precious. My soul hurt as i tried to smile at those faces that i love.

As i walked out of the school the weight of the day hit me harder and i felt ill.  I needed my kids. Fear had entered my life. Along with a sorrow i never knew.

As a mother, I envision rushing to the scene of that school. Your life can go either way. You hang in the balance wondering if your child will come out, or if an officer will come to your side.

The sheer joy of seeing your child run from the school to your arms yesterday, a gift from God that breaks the heart.

And other families--went to bed with out a member of their family. A child no longer has his or her sibling. A mother with out a child. A family with a broken heart-forever.

We have experienced many evils in life.  Shootings, bombings, 9/11, terrorist attacks. But nothing has hurt my heart like yesterdays shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  A kindergarten class.

So as i mourned an prayed yesterday and today, i just feel guilty.  Someone is without their 5 year old- and today i am hugging mine. So far from the tragedy and yet i feel survivors guilt.

A child should never die. But in cold blood. It sickens my soul and tears at my heart.

As i woke up the reality hit me again. That this really happened. And how thankful I am to have my children safe at home with me.  But how much i hurt for those families.

All we can do is pray. I don't even have the words to pray, but we must.

Yesterday I prayed against the evil and the hate in this world. I prayed for the first time ever, that God just comes back to earth to take us all to heaven where we can live together forever. Without any pain. Without any children dying.

Heaven. That was my prayer.

I shut down the computer and kept the tv off all of yesterday. I couldn't see any news, didn't want to hear any more stories.  Because the three minutes that i did see- some of those comments are ones that i wish i could forget. You can't unsee things. And we can't un hear it. We can't unread stories. So i choose to pray. The facts are horrific and we know that those families, those survivors, those injured, those parents, kids, teachers and friends--need prayer. And that is all that i can offer.

We can pray. And God can heal.

 I don't know how, but he has to.

Carry on.

The Holidays usually bring about many emotions. And i used to have sheer joy when i thought about Christmas. Or almost anything.

And I think i still do, for the most part.

But every once in a while we can get a little bug in our behinds that makes us feel sorry for ourselves for this reason or that.

And some times its justified.

Because life is hard.

But i also believe that we can pull ourselves out of it too. By focusing on what we DO have.

The other night as i was driving in the car, my newest favorite song came on. Its more of an anthem than a song. And it reminded me of all that is right in the world. And even what isn't right--Doesn't have to control me.  Bad relationships don't control me. Bad people don't have the power to hurt me. Brokenness doesn't have to overtake us.

Unless we let it.

For all that is wrong. I have something even better and more powerful that is right.

I have my Mom and Dad. And i have a brother like no other to have ever walked this planet.  So for all the broken relationships that i have that i feel aren't fair or have hurt me, or my husband, or my children. I always remind myself of the good people.

And i wouldn't take one thing on this earth if it meant that i didn't have those three in my corner.

And that reminds me to be so very grateful for what i do have. Because the love of those people in my life, is greater than any other love i can (tangibly) receive.

When i think of the people who have hurt "my people" it boils my blood.  I think of family. Friends. Co workers.(coworkers? I don't even work) Anyone who crosses those three people, crosses me as well.  And not that i will dwell on the hand that they have been dealt or the unfairness they have received. I will say this. We're a team. You hurt my people, you hurt me.  (That sounds a bit too Godfathery--doesn't it?)

Back to my anthem for life.

I felt sadness the other day, for a brief moment. Until I envisioned my beautiful friend Gwendolyn. And I thought of her in pain. I saw it. And it hurt my insides. To see her hurt for a loss in her life. Physically pained me as well.

I will never comprehend the life she has lead having lost her mother at such a young age. But i can be a friend to her. I want to. I need to.  I want to make it all better and take away her pain. But i can't.  So i will have to walk along beside her. (i'm with ya sister!)

Whenever we think we are hurting, we need to look around us and see other peoples needs and other peoples hurts. And we need to love them. And forget ourselves. Cause God has given us life and many blessings. And we can't ignore them.

Love someone today.

And carry on....