Everything effects someone

On Saturday i picked my wonderful Mother up to take her to lunch with one of my brothers. As i drove to his house, with my mother in the car, (who am i kidding, it was a van) her brother called her to wish her a happy birthday.  As i drove silently and listened to the conversation, i heard her say "well, i'm 65 today. I've lived 15 years longer than Mom and Dad." She said it and kept on talking about memories and fun stuff, not stopping to break down or anything.

I, on the other hand, felt this new pain that i feel inside at the thought of my grandparents. The 4 of them that i never even got to meet.

And it hurt my soul a bit.

So much that i had to focus on something else in my brain, or it might just overtake me.

Since i have been an adult. Maybe since I've been a mother. I really-really-wish i had had Grandparents growing up. Really.

I often think about my Mom's Dad and wonder if he would have been proud to watch me play ball?  I think of my Mom's mother and wonder if she would have enjoyed eating the sugary treats that i love to cook? Would my Dad's Dad be like Uncle John, or Uncle David?  Could i make him smile? Could i make him laugh?

 I bet I could make him laugh.

And my Dad's Mother, would she have approved of the person that i am? Would she have liked me? Liked all of us?

I often think of this- with sadness- as i see the wonderfulness of Grandparents and their love for their grand kids. Their love for their own.

I long for it actually. Even as an adult, i just kind of long for it. I wish i had had someone who just loved and doted on us and thought we just hung the moon. Because that's what Grandparents do, right?

And that's when i start to think about the fact that my Mom was just in her twenties when her parents were killed in a car accident. A mother to two young boys. Her brothers, Scott and Rob, were barely school age. Babies. Too young to lose their parents.  And that loss has continued down the line. It is felt by not only those kids who's life was forever changed when their parents went out the door and never came home...but also for their kids, and their kids kids. Generations feel the pain and loss of not having a mother, or Grandmother.

It doesn't just effect a few people. It effects us all. In so many different ways.

And that is why i feel especially sad/angry when i see a generation that does have grandparents, but are at odds.  Its not just them that its hurting. Its everyone down the line.  To see grandparents choose to "neglect" grandchildren or children for this or that reason...

It truly boggles my mind.

What is worth doing that much damage and causing that much hurt?  Pride? Anger?..i just don't get it.

I hate it. Because i long so much for it. I would give just about anything to have known my grandparents.

Anything.

So it really irks me, when i stop and think about it, just how much pain my Mom and her siblings had to endure. And my Dad and his siblings had to endure at losing their parents so early in life.

I know God has a plan for everything. And i know my parents are amazing and strong because of the hand they had been dealt. I know i am fine and my kids will be too.

But i still find myself thinking about the what ifs in life when it comes to my grandparents.

What if they liked me? What if they just really liked and protected me and loved me...

Oh, what a love that would have been.

And so, as my Mom talked about outliving her parents, it reminded me--not that i needed to be reminded--just how blessed I am, and all my family is, to have them in our lives.

Because their love is great, they  like us and they protect us.

And for that--I am so thankful.

Smile

Yesterday as i was driving out of the neighbor hood (blaring Michael Buble's Christmas album...but thats none of your business...and i don't like your tone) I saw a elderly couple coming out of one of my neighbors house carrying a suitcases--and it hit me.

I'm going to be that old some day too.  That's hard for me to wrap my brain around.  They just looked so cute and they were probably someones parents just staying for the weekend.  I wanted to go up to them and squeeze their cheeks and tell them how cute i thought they were. But i didn't think they'd appreciate that.

Who knows? Maybe they would...

Or wouldn't.

But maybe would?

 What i'm trying to say is that i really like them. And i wonder what I will be like in 50 years.  Not only do i wonder about it, i kind of panic attack about it.

Jeromy and I were just talking the other day about the fact that he is going to turn 37 this year!!!  37 is soooo close to 40...might as well be 75, right?  Man. That's gonna be a toughie for me.  Heck, 32 might just be tough.

And what makes it worse is yesterday in all my spare time, since i used my time super wisely, i looked through my own faceboook photos and watched as i transitioned to an old faced 31 year old.  Oy. That hurt.

Have you ever done that?  Cause i would recommend it.

If you want to watch yourself get wrinkles, double chins and darker hair.

On second thought. Don't do it.  Save yourself the need to cry over a bowl of delicious ice cream...

... and then a cupcake...

...and then some chips-since that's just too much sugar and you will need some salt -

... and then maybe a butterfingers.

And then take one more quick look at your facebook photos circa 2009!! Waaaaaaaaaah!

But I digress.

What i meant to say was, when i look back now, i see a fresh faced girl with a quick smile.

How do i get that back? Where has the time gone i ask. WHERE?

When i am 75 and bringing my suitcase out to the car, what will i think as i reminisce about my 31 year old self?

Will I think, Remember all the energy that i had when i was 31? Remember that fresh face and quick smile? Where did that go? And why do my knees and back hurt so much?

Every now and again, i have to take a little inventory of my life. Re-evaluate things. Take a good look in the mirror and embrace what i see.  Cause this is it people. This is my only opportunity to be 31. And i don't want to waste it away looking at old pictures or feeling too tired to walk and more ready to eat. I want to make today, tomorrow and next week count. So that i can look back and like what i see.

I want not to focus on the lines around my eyes, but the reasons that i got them. I smile alot. And with smiling (and not using anti wrinkle cream...oh, the chemicals!) ya get lines. I want to remember why i smiled so much in life.

I want to remember my son's amazing hugs. I want to remember Ruby attempting to "catch" me as i squat down by the fridge and lose my balance. I want to remember Laney rolling her eyes as she talks about a boy in her class. I want to remember how funny my husband is when he's not even trying.  I want to remember that my life is full. And i smile for a reason.

I am happy.

Even when i'm not. I'm happy. Because this is a great life and i have great kids, a great husband, great friends, great parents, a DVR that works, a good dog and some awesome chickens. (i include them because they make me happy, ok!)

I guess the reason i don't want to get old is because i don't want to waste a second of my life. I want to thoroughly enjoy and be present in each and every day that God graces me with.

And that--makes me smile.

Turn it down...

Here are my thoughts of late...

In this world of opinions, hypocrisy, judgement and social media.  I find it harder and harder to view truth as it is.  If find that i am frustrated with people,  annoyed with or on board with their opinions. But i find it hard to know when we should and when we shouldn't speak up. Well, no-i take that back, its not that i don't know when to speak up, its that i find too many people DO speak up. And in their quest to defend all that is right in the world, especially in the name of Christ, they end up hurting their own cause when anger and passion overtake their words, thoughts and opinions. I know  they are for or against this, or voting for him or him, but in their speech, all i can hear is judgement and hate. The facts usually get lost behind the passion (to put it kindly) that comes out. And that is usually exactly what they are speaking out against. Against all the wrong doing and hate coming from the "other side."

Does that make sense?  Cause i think it sounded better in my head.

Here's an example. Lets say one of us likes Obama and one of us likes Romney. (I know, great subject matter, its not like anyone's passionate about politics, are they?)  But when we defend an opinion (no matter who or what it is for) we are so busy promoting our cause with such "exuberance" (thats the nice way of putting that, too) that we get our undies in a bunch, state facts that i think are made up and go from defending our beliefs to insulting the other persons. Right?  Am i the only person annoyed with this?

Maybe its because i see it so much or that i loathe it so much but i just feel like it is so frequent that we defend one thing and end up hurting our own cause.  In our conversation (battles) against one another promoting the marriage amendment we end up trying to point to the bible for answers and yet forget to speak with love!  Right? Is anyone else seeing this?   (i picked that debate cause it seems to be crazy hot right now...as if you didnt know that) I agree completely in freedom of speech. I welcome it. I enjoy reading posts with good debates. I don't enter into them, but i find it interesting (and a bit nerve racking) to follow. 

This blog is not, and i repeat not about politics or the marriage amendment. Its about speaking and listening and acting in love. Always.

How does that look. How would that look if we all did that? 

I guess i am just thinking out loud, but how do we, as Christians, debate hot topic issues?  I know it can be done right, i have seen it. I respect the few people who i watch debate with out slander. We can have opinions. We can have facts. But to insult the opposing person in the process?  I just think it makes everything else void.  I know i have done it. I think it has been awhile since i have been that caught up in it, but i try to constantly think (because i constantly watch others) how are my words and my actions representing Christ? Cause i get mad about stuff. Believe you me. And i don't always know the right way to handle it. I think i have a a grip on keeping politics to a low boil, but don't get me started on character judgment. There's a good chance that as i defend mine, i'm going to probably speak volumes that i didn't even mean to.   But our actions, they speak so much louder than our words.


Via facebook i have watched people fall into this trap again and again.  They just can't resist stating their opinions on someone else's posts, just to state an opposing thought. Why? Who cares what we think? DO we speak to lift others up, or are we speaking just to be heard?  Often times i think people get sucked in, just to be the loudest.

Its not that we can't or certainly shouldn't say our opinions, its just how we say them. We can differ. Its alright. But how are we doing it? Usually with venom.

Again, i know i have done this. Not so much of facebook. Cause i have been burned--bad--in the past. But in life. I see other Christians making choices that i don't agree with, or doing things that i just shake my head at and want to correct, but can we?  What makes us any better than anyone else?

I don't have any answers to any of this. I just think in this political season, there is so much banter--some good, some bad--and i truly do enjoy talking politics, ya just have to pick the right people (no pun intended:) to discuss it with. It doesn't have to be someone who agrees with you, but it definitely has to be someone who has a handle on their temper, opinion, and maybe even their fists...riiight? Otherwise it is all for not. It so often ends up bad and we don't even hear the other persons opinions, but we definitely remember the insults that were said.

I enjoy it, but lets settle down about it.  Its often the ones who speak the softest that everyone listens to anyways.  Love seems to win out. Doesn't it?  And for me, i put my faith in Christ. I will pray for our leaders and trust that God is in control and he knows what is best for all of us.  Of course i vote and am passionate about what i think, but not at the expense of turning someone away from Jesus. If i represent him weakly, than i have already lost. Because, to me, that is the most important thing to consider.  Am i hurting the cause of Christ as i defend or represent my beliefs?

In all things?  I sure hope so. (but doubt it.)

Like it says in my friends Kindergarten class. Lets TALK with love. TOUCH with Love and LISTEN with Love. If 5 year olds are doing it, i certainly hope that the 30 somethings can get a grip too.