Sliding doors

Have i ever mentioned that i am no good at making decisions? Especially really big and important ones? Cause I'm not--or so i am reminded each time i get a migraine after a stressful situation. (what a whimp)

Here's the deal. I have had a huge decision to make this year.  It started this last February when Laney's name was drawn from the lottery at PACT Charter school. Yes, the big daddy of charter schools. My child got into.  So after stressing a bit and praying about it this winter a few of my girl friends (one in praticular who happens to work there) just told me to say "yes" and then i had the rest of the year to decide.

That sounded easy enough. After telling the intimidating admissions coordinator we would accept the position i thought about if a few days, and then insisted that my brain forget about it. I mean, i had like 6 months until school started anyways. Who cares.

Flash forward 6 months.

I get something in the mail telling us when Laney was to come in and do a little testing to see where she fit into the class.  Oh great. That's right, I have to make this decision.

Jeromy and i talked it over and he was insistent that the kids not go to different schools. We did NOT want to be a house that went all over timbuctoo accommodating all the wants of different kids. They would stay together. That we were both sure of.  So that kind of took the pressure off, because Ruby was yet to be confirmed "in" and they wouldn't know until school started.  That pretty much was our answer.

I called the school the day before i was to take Laney in and told them that it was likely that i wasn't going to take the position because my other child wasn't confirmed as accepted and the sweet secretary encouraged me to just wait and see and take Laney in anyways.  She offered for me to talk to the coordinator (rememeber, the scary one?)  And i said, "no thanks. She kind of scares me." And that was that.

Well we got up early and headed into PACT. I was watching the time to see how long this commute would take every day of my live for the next 12 years. And it was about 27 minutes.  We arrived and Laney went into the room with the wonderful Kindergarten teacher that they have and the secretaries invited me in. They said that scary lady (i add libbed that) wanted to see me. 


Okay....


She told me (on the DL) that there was just an opening, as of yesterday, for a second grade position. 

Normal people would have jumped for joy...

I did not.

"Ohhhhh, okay. Well, that's...suuuuper."

Was all i could muster as my brain began to move about 100 miles per hour with each and every possible scenario of my kids future...and they all rested on my shoulders. Heavily.

Ruby instantly dug her heals in.  I assured her (in a quiet voice) that we would think about it and talk to Dad, and not to worry.

About an hour later. She had a bad headache.

Where does she get it?

I blame her Dad.

Anywhoo, as my brain raced and Ruby's brain raced and Laney's brain sang whimsical songs...we drove in silence.

I would have called Jeromy, but i think my phone was shut off....Ahhh, the life I lead.

So in the silence we rode, off to Waldochs to get cucumbers to can.  'Cause we push forward, that's why!

As i sweat and sniffed enough vinegar to rot my brain, i wondered.

What the heck? Why do I have to make this decision? If only she hadn't gotten in.

Now i know it sounds negative but believe me i was happy-ish. This could be the potential for greatness. This school was amazing, right?

When all else fails, i email a letter off to my wonderful small group of ladies. They will help me. Or at least pray for me. Which in turn is helping me, right?

They were encouraging. In their evasive not gonna tell you what to do kind of way.  (i like them for that....most days:)

One verse that my friend shared with me was Hebrews 4:16 "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

That Laurie, she always knows what to say.  It was a verse i clung to. I approached the throne with confidence--confused, couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it, confidence.

Then two days later i was off to Milwaukee with my brother. I think you remember that post.  I truly believe those migraines stemmed from this decision. My brother felt  bad and assumed i was secretly super stressed, but i was having a blast with him. It was the silent decision looming over head that was killing me...well, and maybe the smell of those deliciously sweet roses.

Anywhoooo, back to the stress. The prayer. The indecision. My wonderful friend Lynn called and gave me the dish on how wonderful PACT really was and was encouraging and wonderful.

Which only made the decision that much harder.

Ya see, first off PACT has no bus service out here. Second: Laney only would go half day. And Ruby would go full day. That meant i drove there at least 2 if not 3 times a day. For the first year at least. Third: The financial burden of  putting gas in our tank just might wreck us. Literally. 

But East Bethel is in the St. Francis school district and its a well known...ummm....its like....kind of....ghetto...in a hillbilly way? I don't know. Its just not the best, i guess. And i am worried about the middle school and high school and my kids making one wrong choice and damaging their whole lives!!! 

(That's not dramatic, and i don't like your tone.)

I told Jeromy over and over that this is a "sliding door" moment. (Thank you Tonya, for that movie many years back)  Because Gwenyth Paltrow missed the train her life turned out completely different than if she had made it.  Ya see...a sliding door?  One choice sets the course of your life.(in a sense)

My kids whole high school career, sports career, prom dates, friends, all were up to me! (you know, in a sense)

So i stressed about it. I prayed about it. And i talked to everyone. I mean everyone. Because i believe the Bible is correct in the fact that there is wisdom in many counselors.  And counseled i was.

Jeromy and i felt like this was God opening these doors for our kids. Could we actually do this?

And as i sat and sat and prayed and prayed i flip-flopped my decision about 100 times. Depending on the day, i could go either way.  We made lists of pros and cons and we both agreed, this was a difficult choice.

Its really important to me to have my kids close. And in all the years i have lived here, everything has been kind of far away and i have always commented on the fact that the school is just a hop, skip and a jump away. I loved that. I needed that. I needed to know that i could be to my kids in 3 minutes flat. That was very important.

So flipping and flopping i did.

And what i realized (and honestly believe) is that God gave me this choice. Not to leave my community, but to cling to it.  There are so many times that i look back in my life and think i thought i knew what i wanted and then God opened the door for me only for me to realize that i am perfectly content where i am.

There's something just so right about loyalty. To a spouse, a family member, a friend, a town, a state...pretty much anything.

I believe God opened the door to PACT, not so our kids could go there. But so we would choose East Bethel.   This is our community.  And God just really put it in my heart that my kids were going to be okay right where they were at.  Hallelujah!!

Pfffhewww...

Can i get an Amen?

Once my eyes were opened i knew what we had to do.  Jeromy still wanted them at PACT but we talked and really weighed the pros and cons again, and we just felt like the cons were heavy enough to make it not worth it.

Now i know what you're thinking. 3/4 of Minnesotans are waiting to get into that school! You're a fool!!

But alas, its not the school for us. And i feel joy in my heart, finally knowing- with certainty- that this is where God wants us. At least for now.

I am thankful for all my friends and their wonderful advice. Tiffany and Sarah, our night out was very pure.  Thank you for your honesty.

Lets embrace our community together. Instead of leaving, i am going to dig in and be the light that shines Christ's love on all of East Bethel Community School...and maybe even the world!!

 (And it won't hurt that i'll be able to keep an eye on the naughty kids...and hopeuflly stear my kids the other direction...and even more so, hope my kids aren't the naughty ones. AMIRIGHT?!!)

Ahhh, its good to be home.

Road trippin'

 
                                                     (WARNING: Its a wee bit wordy.)

Last weekend i had the pleasure of accompanying my oh-so-talented brother, Sam, to Milwaukee to help present the flowers for a wedding.  What a task that was.

Who knew, i say. Who knew?

Not me! Certainly not, head in the clouds, me.

The amount of attention he pays to detail is brain-scrambling (that's the only word that truly describes it).

My husband was wonderful enough to "allow" me to go away for three days. (well, 2.5, but who's counting?)  The longest i have EVER been away from my little cherubs.

I started the day at 5:00am on Friday when i woke up in Eath Bethel (yes, i meant to type it like that...with a lisp. It just sounds better and saves you from the impossible task of pronouncing it right, thoooo, you're welcome)

I got to my brothers in Circle Pines at 5:40ish and he was all packed and ready.

Now when i say packed and ready, i mean he had $1000 worth of flowers--arranged, in vases, in rows, wrapped in newspaper, snugly fitting to a T in the back of my parents Rendezvous that my Dad had built a shelf into. It was tough. I'll just say that. There was not an ounce of unused space and not a single thing that he didn't calculate down to a science. (He's so smart, isn't he?)

At 6:30am, we were prepared to head out. (we're timely like that) and as he was getting into the car, my Dad called and asked Sam, "Did you call?"  And Sam replied, "No." and just as he did that, he turned the key in the vehicle and...nothing...

"Dad, the car won't start."  (If you know Sam like I do, you could hear in his voice he was at the verge of snapping, but kept cool. Cause thats how he rolls.)

"Looks like soooome oooone left the liiiight on" (picture it in a sing songy voice, that Sam did not feel like hearing at 6:30 am after an hour of sleep and pressure enough to cook a...uh...ummmm...what the heck do you cook in a pressure cooker? Whatever. Picture high pressure)

Sam assured Dad that he did not leave the light on and had been careful. Thankfully, Dad was in Ham Lake and was a hop, skip and a jump away and just so happened to have a brand new battery in his van that was for the Rendezvous.

Thank you, Lord.

Sam and i both assured each other that if it was going to be any problem that the battery was the best. The best, right? Yes. Definitely the best problem to have. (We were clearly afraid to think of anything else and both refusing to admit that this was a major killer to have to wait and feel more pressure for time.)  Totally just the battery. Cool. No problem,. Batter? Easy fix. Easy. How lucky are we? Lucky, in fact. We were lucky to only have this problem. The battery. No problem-o

Dad showed up (i picture him in a cape) and got out his tools and his humor....to a none humorous situation--which, i think, made Sam even more stressed, which in turn made me joke even more, which in turn made my Dad throw in a few extra goofy laughs. Just for good measure. We were all refusing to acknowledge anything. We were joyful...some naturally, some forcefully, and some obliviously. Joyful.

Dad fixed the car and we were off. At the speed of 12 MPH, cause we have a serious flower situation in the car people, that's why.

We turned corners like we were 100 years old, and accelerated at a speed a turtle could beat. But we were off. And that was glorious.

First stop...Coffee. Please, Lord, get us some coffee.

Sam listed off the few small items he had forgotten and we planned where we would stop get them and headed into the sunrise, down 94 E .

We had good conversation, good tunes and good times.

I was in charge of the GPS, the notebook, and the texting. (all which require writing while in the car--which makes me feel like dying.)

7 hours later and one detour waaaay off 94 to Barboo, Wisconsin's Walmart and we were there.

We were tired and i had just about had enough of the delicious smell of roses. Ohhh, the roses. (insert gag here)

We were in Racine Wiscony. And the whole darn city was shut down due to construction. And i mean the. whole. town.  Like the center of the town was torn down and you could only access the church from the opposite end of it. It was a brain fuddle. To say the least.

Our headache had officially started.

Sam and i managed to find the church, hop out of the car and sniff the fresh air. Ohhh, the fresh air. The glorious smell of--well, not roses--anything but the roses.

After talking to the coordinator we proceeded to carry in about 693 thousand pounds of flowers, vases, flowers, buckets, flowers, vases, flowers and buckets. And did i mention flowers? Cause we carried alot of those in.

We had to make a quick stop at the bride to be's house to pick up something to bring to the reception the next day. So we ran (literally) up stairs and hoped back in the car and drove a few minutes to the Kennedy compound--I mean their house.  Lush green grass, sprawling out in to two acres over looking Lake Michigan. Literally. They were a rocks throw from the lake, that really more resembles an ocean, AM I RIGHT?

After feeling the quickest moment of envy, we hoped back into the car and headed back to the church for a night filled with corsages, chatty janitors, silence and more corsages.

It was great.  I learned a ton watching Sam and tried my best to help.

Now, if you are observant at all, you have noticed that i have not talked about eating thus far. That's cause we didn't do it. Ever.

Finally after wrapping our work at 9:30 pm, we headed out into what had now turned in to the streets of fast and the furious. Cars, bling, noise, and cops. It was a bit scary for this chicken liver.

We found a Jimmy Johns and walked as quickly as possible to the store and back to our car. Hoping to avoid the very likelihood of a drive by. I mean, with a body this big, i was sure to be the biggest target out there!

Back at the hotel, guess what we did? Yep. Carried in bucket after bucket of flowers to continue arranging the table centerpieces. Literally, bucket after blasted bucket of swishing water and fragrant flowers. Try carrying that and swiping a key and holding your Jimmy John. Not for the faint of heart, i tell you what.

In the hotel we agreed to giving ourselves 30 minutes to watch tv and eat and to take our minds off flowers. (as if that was even possible) 

Nothing was on, so we settled on Beauty Shop, staring the one and only Queen Latifa.

Not but a moment into arranging, i lost my vision. You know, cause i am weak and my body can take no stress at all. Ugh.

(for those of you who don't know, i suffer from very severe migraines that appear in the form of blindness and then turn to stabbing headaches that makes me wish i had just been hit by a semi to avoid the whole mess of pain...)

I mentioned to Sam that i couldn't see. And being the caring brother he was he tried his hardest to let me rest and i could tell that my darn migraine just upped the stress level by about two notches. Ugh. Darn you weak little constricted blood vessels, darn you.

After about 30 minutes i got my vision back and was up and at it. The headache i can take, its that blindness and numbness that is the worst.

We went to sleep before midnight.

Woke up at 5:00 and were at it again. But this time, but brother thought he should get to the church and finish settling up for the wedding, while i stay back and rest because i am a weakling and no help at all...i mean, becase he wanted me to finish a few arrangements. (wink, wink)

I agreed.

After a 25 minute and $25 call to my mother, i was ready to work.

Sam stopped by quickly to deliver me a Starbucks. (which would be the extent of our food that day...awww.)

(Isn't he the best?)

After a shower and a few Wisconsin morning news shows i was up in my heels and dress and the flowers were ready and Sam came back to pick me up.

Off we went.

You guessed it. Carrying arrangement after arrangement after arrangement and a few buckets.

Which reminded me--should i run in a grab our deodorant? Just for good measure? Yes. Definitely. This is going to be a long, sweat induced day.

But i was in heels, that was fun, right?

To the reception hall we went. (45 minutes away)

It was a beautiful place called Cuvee, and we had to get or stuff to the third level of a very fancy/trendy/yuppie place.  Once we got through the traffic of IRISH FEST, that is.

After some aggressive honking and a few more detors. (Ugh. What is wrong with this place called wisconsin? I was starting to hate it and its weird antics)

About 37 trips, a pound more of sweat, running in heals, carrying racks, breaking racks and arranging some more flowers, we were finished.

Just in time to fly. (and i mean fly) back to the wedding to drop the rose petals leading up to the church. You know, to direct people around the road construction mess. Oyvey.

As i entered the beautiful church to sit down, i realized that I couldn't see the whole left side. No! This is not happening again. I can not do this anymore.

Migraine setting in.

I was determined not to tell Sam this time. No need to worry him. I would just pretend that i could see everything he was commenting about. Nod and smile. Nod and smile.

Wedding over and we flew (and i mean flew) out of the church (underground style. I was certain we were going to come up in the white house. But alas we just came back to the front of the church. But in my head i was hugging GW.)

Anywhooo...

Back to that GPS, satellite interruption and random road closings. 

My head was not okay at this point.  Like, it was bad. Seriously?  I had lost my vision one more time in the car. And i knew, i was going to be in for a tsunami of a headache.

800mg of ibuprofen later in a empty stomach was not good.  I was so nauseous from the pain in my head (and probably the medicine) that i just asked Sam if i could have one teeny tiny second before I went up.

He knew. It was bad.

I knew. He was now concerned and probably doubly stressed.

I prayed that i just get better. Please. I need to help my brother. This is the last game, the 9th inning, the bases were loaded and i was up and i just swung and missed...if ya get my drift.

I swear, i willed myself to stand up. After a few almost vomits. And the valet took my purse, car, keys and left me with a little piece of paper.

Looks like i'm going up.

I tried to help Sam as he scurried (literally. He worked so incredibly hard.)to light the last of the candles and do the finishing touches.

He promised me he would take me home after the set up was over and i assured him i was A-okay. I mean, who really need a head anyways? Not me. We both weren't okay.

This was like, so super high stress and he was doing it. He was totally pulling it off.  The flowers were a hit.  Seriously, everyone commented on them.  Even the drunk guy at the end of the night, getting into the elevator yelled "Way to go, flower guy!!" and gave him a thumbs up. (Ahh, weddings. Don't ya just love em?)

Due to the few people that i knew coming from Sam's work, i was able to pull myself together and smile. I couldn't swallow much, but i was so thankful to be alive and recovering from this darn headache. It burned, its was so bad in the car.

Flash forward to having to watch everyone dance (except us. We were just the help...awwww) It was like torture to our souls to have to sit still as the cha-cha slide played. But we did it. Begrudgingly.

2:00 am and we were finally heading home. After cleaning up and giving flowers to the other help.

We did it. (HE did it) I was like so totally tired i could just punch myself in the face, and when i asked him how he felt.  He said, (and i quote) "I feel like i could run a marathon!" (all chipper chicken like)

Oy. I take that back, i feel like i could punch him in the face. (i joke, i joke.)

Sunday came and we got up at 7:00 and cleaned up. (flowers, in case you were wondering) and we headed out West. To the one and only Minnesota. Land that I love.

Our emotions ranged from somber, to laughing, to very methodical, to thinking everyone else was lame, to silent, to tired, to refreshed.

(Sam mentioned on the car ride home that the moment he knew i was that bad off, that he thought, Do I save the baby or the Mother? The un-answerable question. Help me and leave the reception, or leave me and finish setting up for the reception.  Now, how lucky am i to have someone like that for a brother??)

We didn't even stop to go the the bathroom the whole way home. That tells you just how glad we were to be heading home!

It was an amazing trip. My brother is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Long car rides are not amazing. GPS is unreliable. Flowers are stressful. Wisconson is not cool. At all. Road construction is rotten. Honking is the new black. And i think my brother is even cooler than before.

If that is even possible.

Soooo, that was my weekend. How was yours?

31 years

               (What's better than the ol blurry kissing shot? I think its kind of funny. So i will share it.)

Ahhhhh, 31!

It wasn't too hard of a transition this year to go from 30 to 31. In fact, i welcomed it.  31 came in like a lamb and went out like a lion so i was happy to move on into my "thirty somethings".

I've got big plans for 31. Big ones. I've done alot of thinking this past year. A lot of contemplating life, choices, actions and feelings. And i have come up with my list for 31.

I enjoy new beginnings, no matter how they come. Birthdays, actual new years, or just a day of change. I love taking an inventory of my life and then changing directions to accomplish a new goal. (that totally made me sound way more organized than i actually am.)

I have been intentional when thinking about 31. What do i want to do better, different, more of, less of?

And here is the theme that i have come up with...


Wait for it.....



Its gonna be so good.



Alright here goes,


In the movies, i have realized that i crave action and drama. I am so over romantic comedies. Comedy is out for me. Frivolous jokes and silly Kate Hudson, Ann Hathaway, and Reese Witherspoon...I'm kind of over you.

In real life i have realized that i want more comedy. What is better than laughing and feeling joyful?

So here's my discovery. I like it. And I'm sticking with it.

Real life= Less Drama and more comedy.

Movies=Less comedy and more drama.

How am i going to do that? I'll tell you, because i have been thinking about it for along time.

This year i am going to own my skin. I am who i am and i am going to embrace it. I can't change to make everyone happy. I can't be that quiet serious girl in a social situation. Its just not who i am. I love to talk, laugh, joke, dance, jump, stumble over my words, get confused in stories that involve too many numbers (oy. numbers...am i right?) talk over people (only because i am excited, never because i am rude...not intentionally anyways...(okay, maybe i am going to work on this one) I share too much, too fast, and too often. And that's what makes me me.

(Now let me just add a disclaimer here.  I don't mean this with an attitude. I am not saying that i won't always consider a situation and look to myself to see if i am making mistakes or hurting others. I will always hold myself accountable for my actions.)

I have realized opinions don't always matter. Who cares if we differ? I don't . If we are going to change anyone or represent Christ, i want to do it in my actions. Not by taking out my pointer finger and aiming it at others. I want to love freely, so others can see the love of Christ through that.

I answer to Him. Not any human figure. (well, maybe my Mom & Dad...and husband)  If someone is looking down on me or judging what i do? Too bad. I don't care anymore. I can't please everyone and i refuse to try to change who i am to make others happy.

Cause i am a party of one and you're gonna want to sit at my table!!

That was my own problem before. I have realized that i have a few insecurities that i wasn't aware of. But i am digging in, and making a change. And this change is going to help me. Teach me. Make me happy. Make my family happy.

You're a quiet, studious type and you think your a little smarter than others and i rub you the wrong way?  Hey, different strokes, man.  I may just not like you either! :) And that's okay with me. Cause we can't win 'em all, can we?

Ha, okay maybe i won't be that aloof. But i am trying to learn to know what i say and say what i know.

I find that because of situations i have dealt with and have been annoyed by in the past, i am learning what not to do. So i refuse to be too extreme in alot of things. (except sports...Roar,bring it)  We differ in political views? I don't really care that much. I see your point. I don't agree. But i am not going to try to sway you to my side. Extremism is always frustrating to me. Right or left?  Pro or Anti? Up or down? Black or white?

I never want to get into heated battles about that stuff because i find that no one really wins when we are talking only to change others opinions. I have been that way for a long time and these past few years i have learned the pain of it.  Its one thing to have friendly banter. (Its a whole other thing to talk to my brother Jason about Sarah Palin!) (ha, watch out.)  It is just counter productive because i never care enough about the situation to get mad. Probably because i am uneducated in politics...i just like George W. Bush's face and feel like i want to hug him and be friends with him. I don't really care about all the other stuff that someone else thinks he has done wrong. Peace love and harmony, baby.


I think i digressed...sorry.


Oh right, my point is that i have tried for so long to be the opposite of opinionated that i have found that i am like a wet mop about many things. I always see both sides and kind of don't care and I agree with both.


That leaves me with some lame views. Well, to clarify, cause i know half of you are thinking it. I still have a few (i don't like your tone when you read that word few...its IS only a few!) hot topics. Family stuff, kid stuff, marriage stuff that i get heated about. But i am only human after all. Besides, this is my blog, so just keep your opinions to yourself, sister...


I'm sorry i yelled.


Its not you, its me.


31.  Its going to be good. I read a book recently 'They poured fire on us from the sky',  its an amazing book about three "lost boys" from Sudan who fought for their lives as they walked for years and years to survive this ugly, ugly war in Sudan. Its was heartbreaking and inspiring.

So i sit and get frustrated about my organization skills and then i think, "if those 7 year old boys can fight for their lives, then you bet your butt, i can get this done." And it encourages me.  The power of the human spirit has always intrigued me. When people just persevere and overcome. What is more honorable than that? Especially when they are doing it with out shouting it from the roof tops so people feel sorry for them. They overcame. Persevered.  Moved mountains. They lived. (that basically just described my husband in a nut shell)


That is what i want. I want to remember what we can do. And continue on. And when i say continue on, here in America, in my comfortable home, i don't mean "fend off lions to save my life", i mean get my house in tip top shape, eat healthy, exercise, spend time in the word, make life intentional for my kids, and get on top of my game.

In the year of 31 i want to...

Read more.

do more.

Care about what matters more.

Care about what doesn't matter, less.

Do for others.

Be a great friend.

Embrace my strengths

ignore the drama

cling to what is good

and live.

Sounds easy enough, right?