to love or judge--that is the question.

A couple weeks back, our computer went ca put. And being we are from 1983 we only have one computer in our home that plugs into the wall, no wifi, and cell phones that only text.  So, what i'm sayin' is i had a lot of spare time to read. Which i LOVE more than anything.

I guess when i say "spare time" i actually mean i just neglected every other duty in my world to finish up three books.  I would say, totally worth it--Jeromy, not so much! Lol.

As i have wondered and thought, because--turns out I have to scrub my floors, make dinner and get the laundry done today, two books have been lingering in my mind.

I read books from all over the board. As long as they are true stories, i generally am interested.....or obsessed, with finishing them.

I read Elizabeth Smarts book. (the Mormon girl who was kidnapped for 9 months and then found) and a book called The Hiding Place, about a Dutch family who helped hide the Jews while Holland was occupied.

Now i find myself hanging in the balance, wondering what to think, when i consider these books.

After reading Elizabeth Smarts book i was determined to remind my kids never to be too compliant, to anything.  Never to just obey mindlessly. If you are ever taken, you fight. You fight. And then you fight some more. No matter what lies you are told or how afraid you feel.

I have assumed the position that everyone, everywhere, at all times is scheming to take a child, and i am personally going to be the one to combat all evil by never, ever even looking to anyone in need. Ever.

You're on the street begging for money? Yea-- probably so you can kidnap a child and make her your wife because you are all sorts of crazy. I know your type.

I fought my natural urge to help someone who looked like they were in need--because behind all that "helplessness" lays poison.  I mean, Ted Bundy preyed on the kindness of woman, took advantage of their concern for others in need. He was intelligent enough to think through his plans and then put them into action.

And that sickens me. And makes me, honestly, turn a blind eye to all those in need.  I feel myself saying "Hey, we're all fighting through life here. I'm not helpin' you....carry your own bags."

I'm just speaking my own ugly truth here. I'm not saying its right (obviously). But if i kept my kids from danger by hurting someone else?? I'd do it a hundred times over.

Fast forward to the book i just finished two days ago, and you'll find me on the complete other side.  Not keeping the ugliness of the world and its people at arms length, but wanting to love with open arms. Because we are all Gods creation and no one person is better than the other in His eyes.

Ugh.

I just think that is a hard reality to accept.

And i may be one short flew from the cuckoos nest here.

The Hiding Place was a book about the Jews, but from a different perspective of that war. One i hadn't read until now.  I have read book after book about the Holocaust and felt like there was no love to be found, anywhere, during that time.  It was every man for himself. And it was heartbreaking. I just couldn't understand how people could turn a blind eye to these people. This group that was being exterminated, for what?  It still infuriates me.

But this book was different, this book was filled with love. Love and miracles. This family, who loved God and trusted in His will and His timing--to the core, was unlike any family i had ever read about.
The book is sure to inspire you and its such a remarkable story of Gods unfailing love and the strength He provides to us as humans.  It reminded me again how physically powerful we were created and the enormous amount of pressure that we are capable of withstanding, but even more, how amazing God is and how without Him, what hope do we have?

So after reading those two books i find myself going through, what i like to call, "The Elizabeth Smart/Hiding place effect".

For example the other day i was taking my girls to school and i saw a man mowing the schools lawn. Aww, that's a nice job to have. He probably needs love. Then i realized he was just smiling....at nothing. Just riding and smiling. And i was immediately like "hey, lets take that smile down a few notches, buddy. Ain't no one got time for that kind of happy. That is, unless they are planning to snatch little children, which--judging by your smile--you are."

Ya see?  I'm in a weird place. Unsure of what to even think. I fight my natural tendency to fear all things. And yet, i also rely on that fear for protection.

Maybe i'm the weirdo.

I am a real, idealist. I believe that, through Christ, all thinks can be good. They can be ideal. I really believe that we can get there. But i also believe that really bad people do exist and I'm going to do everything in my power to find them and beat them.....err, i mean avoid them.

Does anyone else's brains work like this?

Please tell me other people see these things and ponder on them.

I mean, you do think--don't you? Beyond whats for breakfast and your "to do" lists for the day.

I don't know.....i guess i am just thinking out loud.

Trying, as usual, to find the medium in my life and trying--desperately--to listen, trust and rely on God. In all things.

But darn it if our human flesh doesn't just get in the way.

Sometimes i get so wrapped up in the bad of the world, and my fears and all this evil, that i take it on my own weak, weak shoulders and forget to give it to the man with the biggest of shoulders.

To just trust God with my fears.

It sounds so very easy.....

And yet, here i sit, dealing with my "Elizabeth Smart/Hiding Place effect", wondering who deserves love and who doesn't....

And that answer is simple: Just keep an eye out for anyone who smiles too much or looks as if they haven't showered in days because they live in a make shift tent that they built in the mountains because they are insane in the membrane and think its okay to kidnap 14 year old girls because they want yet another wife who they will keep against her will. But be really, really careful not to confuse that person with the one who looks that way because they have actually been in a concentration camp, where they were beaten, humiliated, starved and made to live as animals. Who is alone because they watched as their family slowly died, one by one, each a horribly tragic death-because Hitler was the spawn of satan-and now they have no place left in this world to go, because, by the grace of God......They're finally free.  And desperately in need of love.

Judge accordingly.

No school.

I'm going to try to make this quick, since i have been informed that sometimes my blogs can get.....long. :)

A week ago i handed in my permission slip for Ruby to go on her class field trip to the Como Planetarium and i also submitted my volunteer slip.

Ruby informed me that if too many parents volunteer that they would have to draw from a hat and i might not get picked.

No bigs.

I did the math and knew my odds couldn't be less than 50%. It was likely i'd get picked.

Fast forward 5 days. I knew it was "drawing day" and before Ruby left for school i informed her of my NEED to get picked. I told her maybe she could tell her teacher that too....wink wink.

She came home and i was all, "Sooo? Soooo? Am i going with you!?"  And she wouldn't tell me so i had to wait.

At dinner i asked her again, smiling, confident i was picked, and she said "why don't ya go change your clothes?" Which is code for she put it on my bed.

I cheerfully ran to my room, hooting and hollering, only to find the slip of paper that informed me that the names were put into a hat and then selected, but alas, mine had NOT been drawn.

Guh.

I instantly went into silent panic mode.  I didn't know HOW the heck i would be able to let my child go on a field trip far, far away to a distant land, without me.

I put it out of my mind. Telling Ruby it was no biggie anyways.

But come Friday, i though i should maybe email the teacher just telling her of my apprehension and ask, beg, plead to get a spot on that trip.

But i didn't.

I don't know why.

I think maybe because i already knew she wasn't going.

I just couldn't do it.

I thought about it all weekend.

Finally on Sunday i just told Jeromy that, " I can't do this. There no way i can send her away with out me."

Like the wonderful guy he is--he agreed.

As i woke up today, i still wasn't sure what i would do. I knew what i should do. I know what is the rational thing to do. The normal thing to do.

But honestly, there was nothing in my body that was saying "let her go."

Even when her and Junior got into an all out brawl and i was totally ticked at her, i still couldn't send her.

I tried to threaten it. I did say "Get your clothes on and get ready for school."

But at this point she assumed she was going anyways....so that didn't make any sense.

Finally i sat her on my bed and just looked her in the eyes and asked her if she wanted to go.  I tried to tell her she would have a good experience and that her friends would love it and it would likely be awesome.

But then i said, ".....or you can just stay home with me?"

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She choose home. And i never looked back.

I even knew my decision was wrong. I knew about 98% of parents wouldn't agree. But i also knew that my heart was 100% made up.

And if i let her stay....well, then Laney had to stay too.

The deal was done.

I could live to breath another day with my kids under my wing.

(i can actually hear you guys shaking your heads right now.....i KNOW. But i don't care. )

Well, we headed to Hans Bakery to meet our friends and all was good.

We stayed for a short time with our friends and headed out to meet Uncle at the book store.

Never once did i waiver from my decision.

It is just school after all.

And its only one day. Plus---it was raining.

And Ruby was supposed to eat lunch at a park after the planetarium thing. And the thought of my baby girl just sitting all out in the open in the world, that is actually what sealed the deal for me. Her in a PARK? Just all out there eating? Ummmm, NO way! Not happening.

On our way back up from the book store, i said "lets see a show!" And then I called my Mom to get the times for a show i wanted the kids to see.

The timing was perfect.

Million Dollar Arm was playing in 15 minutes and i was on my way. And my Mom decided to meet us there as well.

Perfection.

School, schmool--i wasn't even thinking about it and my complete irrational (or very, very rational) fear that i am likely going to have to deal with at some point.

 But not today.

We got in the theatre and i watched a movie about baseball.

It was perfect.

I wanted my kids to breath this movie in. I wanted them to love it as much as i did.

They kind of did.

Barely.

But as i walked out of that show, a true story, about two boys from India who worked so hard and left their life to try to play baseball in America. It was so stinking inspiring and heart wrenching and beautiful. (don't worry, i won't tell you any more than that)

I loved it.

I recommend it.

As I thought about these boys who left India, their families, the safety of what they knew, to pursue this thing., this American Baseball, i couldn't help but think about the fact that i kept my girl from a field trip.

I had a mix of emotions that flowed from the thought of my kids chasing their dreams, loving something so much that they were willing to work hard for it and persevere towards it. And then the reality of the fact that i had them with me because i was scared of a field trip.

I didn't waiver about my decision.....I was only aware of it, people. The irony was not lost on me.

Either way, as we walked out-- i was happy. I had my kids. We were with Grandma. We watched a movie. We got a book. The day was perfect.

I called Jeromy as i drove home and he asked me how the day was. I told him. And then he asked me if i got the calls from the school.

Yes. The one about them being absent? Yea, i got it.

What about the other one? He asked.

Uhhh, nu-uh? What one is that? 

He proceeded to tell me that he got a second call saying that the entire St. Francis school district was in lock down.

.......................................................


.....................(blink, blink).............................



......................................................


"Uhhhhhh, come again?"

Ya, the entire district went on "lock down" (a lesser version of it. no one in or out) because of something that happened in St. Francis city.

......................................................................

..........................................................................


(increase heart beat)...........................


..................................................(difficulty swallowing)....................


................................................................................................


..........................(Sudden urge to throw up)...................................



......................."SEE!!!! I TOLD you i wasn't crazy for keeping them home!!"

You see, you guys, i would have gone completely, 100% John Rambo on the school, had i known Ruby was about to return and Laney was in the school during this time.

Like, i'm talking red sash around my head and everything crazy! I would have had to get them home. Do you guys even KNOW that feeling? That fear that we constantly have to face now because a handful of idiots have gone into schools and hurt kids!!! We have to be afraid now, because of them. And i hate that. In the deepest part of my being. I hate it. And them, for doing this to us.

I fought the fear rising up in me as i drove closer to my house. My brain was on overload. I was like, making plans to own a bomb shelter and never have my kids more than a 5 foot radius apart from me. I was on the verge of going full blown cuckoo thinking that  maybe someone was on the loose.

 But then i pulled my boot straps up, I got home. Brought the dog inside and did a straight up sweep of the house. I'm talking total SVU style. I was calling out, "Clear.....Clear....." as i checked every room. It made me feel powerful. The kids got it too. They know the drill from school. Sadly.

So, long story long, i kept my kids home today. I just felt like i should.  And unfortunately this crazy lock down situation has like totally exacerbated my total neurosis.

But i'll address that another day.

As for today, the kids stay with me.

I am...i said.

Everyone knows the term "Margaritaville".  Although i am not sure if i have ever been.....i would have welcomed the invitation last night.  But instead, i was in MIGRAINEville.  Equally as difficult to wake up from, but much less fun the night before.

Ugh. You see, i got a killer migraine last night as i watched teeball.  I was talking to Sarah when i looked down and it appeared as if my hands were not my own.  A tell tale sigh of what is to come.

No WAY!! i thought as i panicked and started to feel a bit of nausea rising in my throat.  I shook my hands, as if to somehow tell my brain i had misread the signs.

But alas, no more than 4 minutes later, the lights went out.

I lost my vision on my lower left side--not to be confused with the upper east side--which is a much cooler thing.

Thankfully we only had a few minutes left of the game.

I signaled Jeromy of the impeding doom and whispered "i can't see." Which, the poor guy, has learned to understand as "i'm dead to the world for about 30 minutes until i can see again, so will you take over?!"

We got the kids in the van and i sat in the passenger seat. (not my style, i like to control the wheel) and i just shut my eyes, as i still watched the squiggly lines dance across my eyes lids.  Ugh. Its the WORST.

As i sat there, silently writhing in pain, i hear my new mix CD play and felt an indescribable comfort wash over me as i heard Neil Diamond's beautiful voice flow from the speakers.

"LA's fine but it ain't home. New Yorks home but it ain't mine.....no moooooore." I whispered along with him. Finding strength to go on as i felt verbally cradled in Neil Diamonds arms.

Whatever. Its weird. But i kind of obsessively love him. And that's how i felt. Plus, i'm half blind here, people, be a little nicer!!

"I am...I said......to no one there. And no ONE e-VEN heard NOT eventhechair...."

When we got home, I climbed into the tub--hoping to silently drown...err, i mean, to rest.
For some odd reason, after i got out of the tun,  i felt the need to make puppy chow in my blind stuper. (odd reason? As IF.)

The kids were in bed, Jeromy went to bed and i lay on the couch. Starting to lose my darn vision AGAIN! But insisting to myself that maybe the puppy chow would help?! Right.

I turned off the tv. Cause who can enjoy it when you can't even SEE the darn thing. Plus, i was watching The Blacklist, something that takes 100% of my undivided attention.

I lay in the dark. Watching the squiggly lines. Feeling like an alien in my stinkin body.  Like, i can't explain it--but i just felt odd. Like i was there, but not really.  Again, it would have been a better feeling had i discovered it through Margaritaville, yes?

I fell asleep for a moment and awoke the the familiar burning sensation in my left hand mixed with a painful numbness. This headache wasn't getting better and i was just going to have to suffer through it.

I decided to climb into bed.  I opened the window at the bottom of my bed and stared at the moonlit night.  The wind howled as i thought, Is this is? Maybe this is the end. Crap. I'm dying. Figures.

I didn't sleep much last night as i lay in bed, feeling the crushing pain in my head along with the annoying numbness that just comes and goes.

So this morning, when i woke up. I felt like i was in a scene from a movie where the main character partied a little to hard the night before. 

I'm not kidding. My hair follicles actually hurt this morning. My hair is a mess, my eye liner lingered from poor facewashing--you know, since putting my head even close to lower than my heart makes me think it will explode! and i stumbled out of bed in a bit of a Migraine stuper. Junior gave me a kiss and told me he prayed for me last night. His kind words felt like a YELL. And the gentle kiss felt aggressive. Like maybe the act of his lips touching my cheek actually caused my brain to go crashing into my skull.

Ow.

As i walked around like a drunky, and wondered why this headache hadn't even subsided one iota. I thought again, how lame my body is.

Sometimes i actually have this conversation with my self. "We're a teeeeeam, head. Why do you keep fighting me? What is your problem, man? We can be so much better. We could be invincible together you and me! We're stronger when we work as one. Why the H. E. double hockey sticks, do you HATE me so??

Like the complete psycho that is MY HEAD.....it doesn't even bother to EVER respond to my questions.

Typical brain.

Anywhoo.

I got the kids on the bus. Got Junior in the van and put on the biggest and darkest pair of sunglasses i could find. Although i needed to turn my headlights on--due to the fog--it was still a really bright fog.

I walked into preschool, noticing that my face never seemed to match my attempts at smiling.

As i sit here, i am just annoyed at my stupid self. Like, this has been 32 years in the running, Head. What the heck!!

At any moment in life that may cause any excitement or thrill for me--Boom---shut it down. 

Oh, you are excited for your OWN bachelorette party. Going down town with all your friends?  Shut it down.

You're playing your tournament softball game for the 27 year in a row and are having a blast?? Shut it down. Lights out.

Going to Milwaukee with your brother to help with a big pressure wedding and its your first time being away from your kids overnight in like 6 years?? What that? You're happy?  Shut. it. down. Repeatedly.

My body just keeps doing this. And i am so mad about it.

I'm like a fainting goat, for Pete's sake. Don't anybody dare clap near me---or i'll likely just fall to the ground in a heap of fur and goat hooves.

Like a total winner.

Its like i my controlling head doesn't want me to be happy or to anxiously anticipating anything. I'm only allowed to live in east bethel. Drive on hwy 65 and shop at Target. That is all. Any deviation from that pattern?  Shut her down.

Also, don't add any stress to this girls life.  Problems with the ex? Lights out. Stress about anything? Goodnight. Fight with a friend over a blog on facebook?  Cue the numbness....

Speaking of Jake Morrow.(see how i did that?) I want to quickly have a conversation about that last blog (insert wince). All is perfectly well between him and I. Jake is very much a quality human being and i would pretty much trust him with my life. Soooo, just wanted to get that out there :) Lets say i overreacted. And he responded like a true gentleman. My friend. Jake.

But back to my Mary Kate Olsen-like appearance. Fine!! Mary Kate plus about 100 pounds.

I've got my huge black glasses on, disheveled hair, a coffee in hand and my over sized sweatshirt on, walking out of Panera. ( i lied. It was a perfectly fitting sweatshirt. Cause nothing is too oversized for me.OKAY? Why don't ya just kick when i'm down, already. Geez.)

I got into my car. Head pounding.  Frustrating mounting as Panera, of COURSE, didn't have what i wanted,
and i put on my mix CD (that i made. To: Me. Love: Me.) and i gently whispered along with Johnny Cash as his beautiful voice --steady like a train and sharp like a knife--lamented on about that torturous Ring of Fire.

"the taste.....of love is sweet. When hearts......like ours meet......"

So now that i am home with out any kids for three hours, you know what me and my bully of a brain are going to do??

Umm, only what every other respectable human being would do....

I'm gonna draw the curtains, watch Moulin Rouge and fold clothes.

And its gonna be GLORIOUS.....

So if you see me in the street today, please just whisper. 'Cause I went to Migraineville yesterday.....and I'm not yet recovered.