Goodbye 2013

Its coooooming-- I can feel it in the air. (Heck, i can feel it in my tight waistband)

NEW YEARS EVE!!!

And you know what that means? Time to take a few moments to think about the old and ring in the new!

I think the year 2013 at our house can best be best described in a few lyrics by the one and only Miley "not so Disney anymore" Cyrus.

Ehhhem,

"2013 Came in like a wreeeeecking baaaaaaalllllllll....."

Okay, as i look back over the year I have continued to love Jimmy Fallon--though I don't love the enormous amount of success he has reached--because now eveyones jumping on the Jimmy train and I liked it better when it was more intimate, you know--just me a Jimmy and a few other night owls. But for him--i suppose i am glad.

If i had to pick a surprise movie that had me at the edge of my seat it would be "Prisoners". It definitely was hard to watch at times and very "real" and i enjoyed it alot. Although about 5 minutes into the movie Jeromy looked over at me (after the child had been kidnapped) and said " I do NOT  like this show." And i agreed.  But it had been recommended to us and i was hooked. And then about 3/4 into the show I looked over at Jeromy and said, "If this is the end of the movie then this is the worst show i have EVER SEEN!!!!"  But alas, i enjoyed the stress of it and came away with a sore jaw and a headache.  So for me--two thumbs up!! I like movies that make me think. And this didn't disappoint. (reminder--i said its hard to watch--especially as a parent)

Also, i have come to the conclusion that if i was a producer/director i would like to keep a few actors in my back pocket--kind of like Scorsese does with DiCaprio. I find Casey Affleck mesmerizing. I love his face, his high raspy-ish voice, his light accent and just about everything else about him. If he's in it--i'm watching it. I also love the kid who plays the brother "Roderick" from the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. He is hilarious. And Jake Gyllenhal. Those are my guys. Talent. Not just blockbuster guys--but real actors actors. Indy films that mean something, say something, make you feel something. (okay, maybe not the Wimpy kid actor, but the other two. Him i just really like.)

If i could describe the perfect night, it would be about 10 pm. No one else would be up.  Me in my jams in front of the TV awaiting an intense drama to start. Heaven. That is what i enjoy.

I find that sometimes when i am out with my friends---i wonder what's on tv.

 Although if i'm with a really good friend--we probably already have the TV on!

This year when Sam and I were leaving Trader Joes, i hit the button to open my back hatch on the van and it automatically opened (and it was snowing super hard) and as i walked towards it, i forgot that my hatch doesn't stay open in the cold weather and just as i got to the back of the van...SMACK!!!  The hatch fell down--cracking me straight on top my head--crushing my teeth together. It hurt like a sucker punch--i never even saw it coming.

In the van a few minutes later Sam asked me how i was feeling?  To which i responded, with crossed eyes, that  "I didn't remember his name." (Cause i'm fun like that, ya know.) And he said he felt so bad that that happened that he had a stomachache--and then he said "My twin pain is kicking in--now MY head hurts too...."

(Because i always tell Sam we are like twins, he gets hurt and i feel it.)  So that moment.  When his" twin pain" kicked in--reminded me that he is literally one of greatest people on this earth! :)

I have continued to embrace drama on tv. Though i have faced a bit in real life.  Like always--i like comedy in real life and drama in movies. Not the other way around.

If i were ranking my friends husbands (which i don't....or do i?), Josh Weinzetl would sit at number one. I have spent more time than i care to admit watching movies with them on their couch (maybe even snuggling their dog--you don't know) and there has even been a time when Angie broke into full on snore--which only confused me--but didn't even make me consider leaving before the show was over.  Like hellooo--i'm dedicated!! So, here's to more late night movies watching in 2014, Weinzetls!! :)

If i was to rank my friends husbands (which i don't?)--here is the one i would rank the worst---....

Gotcha!....Are you kidding me? That's a secret, sister!  But he's out there--and i know who he is--i assure you!

I think i have become a bit of a foodie. If its not good--i just don't want to eat it. It may sound lame, but its true. I'm over burgers i want classy food and i want it now.

I have come to realize i am a bit jaded this year. Seeing people for who they pretend to be in public versus who i have seen them to be behind closed doors?? It has confused and jaded me.

My heart broke when i heard of  Paul Walkers death. Its still hard just seeing pictures of him.

I realized that this past year when i turned 32, i have officially known my husband half of my life!! I met him when i was only 16?!? Crazy!

Speaking of husbands, Jeromy got me a robe and slippers and snowpants for Christmas (which i love) and when i looked at the size he choose, i realized that he got me a medium snowpants and an extra, EXTRA large robe....which made me wonder if he even knew they created tags and sizes for things, but then as i thought more about it--i deduced that he got me a medium for something that goes around my child bearing hips and an XXL for something that wraps around my sternum...err, i mean bust.....and that is A-okay with me!!! :)

I love baths, books, and long walks on the beach. Minus the long walks on the beach.

As i go into 2014 i would have to say my favorite songs are Say something by A great big world. And Avicii's Hey Brother.

The movie that left me dumbfounded, a little confused and feeling a bit crazy was a movie that i-unfortunately-anticipated greatly.  It was called "Out of the furnace." But darn it if Casey Affleck was the big draw. At least i didn't talk Jeromy into going to it for HIS birthday....nope, wait, that's exactly what i did...lo siento.

Again this past year i have evaluated friendships and really thought about what i want in a friendship and what i have and i have concluded that you can't beat an "old" friendship. Because you just "can't make old friends."  That light bulb actually went off after a bad night with friends and a song that came across the radio by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.(i had never heard it before) It is truer than anything i have ever known. I believe it, i live it and i am thankful for it. Always. And you all know who you are!! My old friends. My people.

If i could do life over again,. i think i would want to be on top.  Not for the fame of it, but to be able to evoke emotion through film. By directing, producing, writing, or acting. Anything. I would just love to be part of that creative process. To have that power--it would be exhilarating to create the kind of things that i love-and to share them with others.

I continue to love television and movies--obviously--and i stand by it.  So don't even start it with me if you disagree.

I enjoyed making sauerkraut this year with my Mom. Its a special memory that i have.

I got to see the Pink concert from the FRONT ROW, with my beautiful and wonderful friend, Jenny. And it is a memory that i think about--and smile about--almost daily! Thank you.

I made ricotta cheese (well, watched the process) using the fresh goat milk that we just collected, at a friends house and its something that i think about--alot.

I experienced lice for the first time this year.  Not cool.

I believe that piracy actually IS a victimless crime. There i said it. What?  (disclaimer: I actually don't know how to and never have done it-just to clarify in case the government is reading this.)  Its just that that think that comes across the screen before movies is so annoying.

Best new television series? Easily, The Blacklist. Its so great. James Spader? Yes, please.I can hardly wait for the season to start up again.

I realized that i really do like my dog. After he was sick and i though he was dying.

I literally got mad at Jeromy once when we were talking about what we would do if we won the lottery and he wanted a brand new truck. Brand new?!? "Ummm, that's a waste--isn't a 2013 truck equally as good and more sensible?" Yea--that's what i thought.  (lets just say that the rest of the car ride was a quite one. Ha!)

Which leads me to the fact that Jeromy pointed out that when i argue with him i sometimes talk like "The girl you wish you never started a conversation with at a party" from SNL. So now if we are ever in an argument he sometimes starts to laugh---which makes me smile because i know he's hearing "her".  Ha. Its kinda funny and it can really diffuse an argument quickly. So now i really play it up. This isn't the clip i wanted to show but I couldn't get the other one to copy for some reason. But i think you get the my drift. Right? She's a hoot. I randomly throw out "Pick a hand, Seth." when Jeromy and i are talking.

I have found who i am, a bit, more this year. By knowing what i will stand for and what i don't. By what i will tolerate and what i won't.

I want to continue to grow.

Not physically though--please, Lord, not physically. Before long, i'll be ducking through doorways and splitting the seams of my pants. (my MEDIUM sized pants, dontchaknow)

I've been burned this year.

I've realized that parenting is getting harder and harder. And its not something to take lightly.

I've adopted a "who cares" attitude about things i can't change. (mostly)

Our kids make Jeromy and I laugh on a daily basis and we thoroughly enjoy them and all their crazy antics.

I've realized that there is no one i would rather watch a movie with then Jeromy Boone. On our couch, alone, at home. Because after 10 years of marriage--we just get each other and its so natural to be together. I told him just last night that marriage is hard because but you just kinda gotta "do it" ya know?  You actually become like one another after a while. Whether you intended to or not.  And i think that's a good thing. Or at least i hope so, cause that is what we have done. We are "one" now. One-big-weird-person-that-plays -too-much-Tetris-and-watches-alot-of-nighttime-television :)

Now, if i am dissecting a movie or talking about it--Then there is no one that i would rather do that with then my brother. Sam and i can go layer upon layer into a show and talk deeper than anyone--and really get it.

My big accomplishment of 2013 is getting him to watch the movie "Warrior". It has UFC fighting in it and Sam loathes fighting movies, but the last 30 minutes has more emotion, more depth, more layers, and more unspoken revelations that just about any other show i have ever seen. So i pushed and pushed for him to watch it so we could "Please just talk about it!!" And it did take ALOT of hounding to finally get him to sit down and watch the whole show. But alas when he finally gave in, he "got it" and now he advocates for it as well.  Yes!!

I also feel like this year, if i had to get into a fist fight with a particular person? I might just welcome it. ;) But that's all i have to say about that.

So as 2013 comes to a close and i think about the past year--i can say its been quite the ride.

What started out as the worst year of our life has now--thankfully-- almost come to a close and we can truly say we are seeing the silver lining. And for that--we are very thankful.

We won't go into 2014 with loose ends and headaches. Its up hill from here. We can almost taste it.

My resolutions are many.

But this year, i m not sharing them. 'Cause they are important to me and not something i am going to shout from the roof tops.  They are mine. And they are going to be private.

Another thing i am learning....some things are to remain off limits.

Don't be a grouch about the New Year. Don't brush it off and say resolutions are just another thing we "fail at." (i'm talking to you, Alamo)

Make them. Fail. It doesn't matter.

Think about last year. Ask yourselves questions. Evaluate. Talk. If nothing else, get a conversation going. You might just be surprised where it takes you.

Plan, be better, do more, think, read, explore, love, learn, take time for others, reach for the stars, dream big, think outside the box, don't count yourself out, fail, but then get up and keep trying and keep thinking--because this could be the year when it all happens!!!

So here's to a safe and happy and RESOLUTION filled 2014, friends!!!!

As my good friend Garrison Keillor always said "Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

Buck up.

Yesterday i had the privilege of going to Ruby and Laney's school and watching them as they participated in the schools first "Sing along".  I was excited, since Laney had been talking about it since Tuesday and i was totally confused if this was something that parents could be part of or what.

As i dropped the girls and presents off at the office i asked the secretaries if we were even allowed to watch the "sing along" and she excitedly said Yes! Which made me feel excited as well.

Though she did want me that here would likely be standing room only for parents who wanted to be there. No problem.

Junior and i were busy around the house getting Christmas stuff done until 2:00 when we headed to school.

I didn't really know what to expect but waited with the other parents to be let in the building. As i stood in the entry way i saw Ruby walk by.

Excited, i waved at her and smiled, she threw a glare my way and continued walking to the gym.  I really appreciate her kind and loving heart. Geez.

Finally after the parents next to me "snuck" in without someone giving the okay, i looked around at the parents next to me and said "Well, that was sneaky?!" They agreed and then we decided we should follow...

In the gym the kids were all sitting in rows, in their "elegant day" wear.

Adorable.

As i sat there the first thing i though was how very proud  I was that my kids went to a school that wasn't caught up in all the political correctness of celebrating everyone's holiday except Christmas.

Actually, that was the second thing i thought. First i actually thought about the questionable guy sitting next to me and i wondered if he may be carrying a gun?

And then i thought if he snapped and went nutzo and decided to shoot up the school, would i run or save the day?

Run or save the day???

Run....

Or save the day?

I felt like i would maybe want to run, but decided that in the end,  i'd definitely take a bullet to knock the gun man down. Yes. That is what i would do. I could do it. I prepared myself for it....

But after that dark and ugly thought passed --i really did think about how grateful i was that he kids were "north" and could still celebrate Christmas and sing Carole's!!

The kids sang as the music teacher casually directed and the words bounced across the screen. It was glorious.

In fact, if feels like all things that take place in the gym end up being wonderful!!

I was enjoying all of it. The beautiful Carole's, the songs celebrating Hanukkah (with the familiar and wonderful beat) and couple catchy Kwanzaa songs were sung.  Sure to please everyone.

As i sat there, talking to a friends Mom, she asked if i knew where Ruby was and i said i hadn't seen her yet. She pointed her out to me and said she had seen Ruby looking around--as if to find me.

Which made me smile and watch her every time she moved and when i finally saw her looking around, i stood up--against the wall--and waved and smiled at her--my eyes sparkling with joy and gladness.....

....until her eyes me mine, that is.

I waved and blew her a kiss.  And she instantly frowned at me and slunk out of my view.

She's fun like that.

About 50 minutes later the music ended and we headed out.  I congratulated the music teacher on a job well done and grabbed the kids and headed home.

Like always i am proud around Christmas time of the strong beliefs that are up here and the stance we take on celebrating Christmas.

And then i think of so many other schools that are further south that can only say "Happy Holiday" and it makes me crazy.

And then i started thinking about the whole Duck Dynasty thinking that is blowing up and that made me crazy.

Which in turn made me think of so many people that i know and they make me crazy.

(i may have had a little too much thinking time on my hands--yes, i see that.)

But you know what bothers me the most about things lately?

Its our worlds need to be victims. The way people fight for "tolerance" and yet don't extend it to all. The groups of people who feel like the "minority" or a group that feels "discriminated" or "unaccepted" and "judged" by society. They fight for themselves as if they are fighting a war against the world. The mean, cold, judgmental world.

When in reality, you are only as much a part of a  stereotype as you allow yourself to be. You can only be offended by choosing to be.

Like, take for example, the saying "you throw like a girl? What is that?  Is that a fact? Do some girls throw crappy? Yes. Yes indeed. But because it has become such a popular saying, does that make it a fact? Um, no. And anyone who disagrees with me can meet me on the softball fiend. And you can play catch with the one and only Emily Thielke--i guarantee you will not harass a female about throwing again. (and you'll likely have to ice your hand!)  Do you see what i am saying? Because people think it, doesn't mean i get offended by it--no, i rise it. I take it as a challenge. I train to throw harder, more accurate. So i don't have to beat anyone with my mouth....but with my actions.  Its about rising up and just "playing harder". My Dad has always taught me that you don't beat someone by talking bad or complaining about injustices on the field or court. You play harder and do better. In the end it will always win. If not for the world, for your soul. Your character. Your integrity.

Offence is a choice.

And my gosh, isn't there alot of offended people in this world?

Frankly i am so over it.

I feel like its not worth it to hold on to every little offense we have suffered. Every word misspoken. Every act, unkind. We are hyper aware of our feelings and yet completely unaware of the ones hurting around us.

One think i look at in a person is--are they crying for their own hurts or do they weep for the ones who are being hurt? Its a big deal to me.

Its so easy to see. Take your friends--you know the one who hurts for others. And you know the ones who are always hurting for themselves.

And truthfully, i'm so sick of our touchy society.

I believe in the "buck up" attitude.  Obviously there is a time and a place to be hurt--i'm not saying there isn't. But if you can't do something about a situation or a wrong or an offense or someone elses actions--then buck up!

Buck the heck up. Its the Minnesotan way.

When i see people hanging on to to many hurts its like i can see that person--inside--drying up and shriveling away --like a prune. And that's not healthy for anybody. (and i'm not saying i haven't done it too)

Holding on to our hurts can only do us good--if we move towards reconciliation.

But if we don't and it festers?  Well, then prune faces appear.

I often think of a post that a nurse friend of mine posted on facebook awhile back about the top 5 things patients regretted on their death bed and one of the things was holding on to anger, because it was usually that same anger that ended up killing them.  If it doesn't come out and get dealt with--then it goes inside--and does damage
.
Yes?

I don't mean to sound too mean about it. But with this whole Duck Dynasty thing happening (i have never even seen that show) but i can read and i see the different thoughts and opinions popping up all over facebook.. The people standing for or against one party. Rednecks Vs. City folks. Homosexuals vs. Christians.  Liberals vs. Conservatives.  And i hate it.  Because the core of it all is selfishness. Yes we stand for what we believe. But just by posting things on facebook or coming out of the woodwork to attack someone elses opinions?? Its such a weird world we live in. When big talkers hide behind computer screens and shoot to kill over things that don't even directly affect them? Its weird.  Right?

Everyone feels like their party has been "persecuted" in our society and yet everyones yelling and fighting about it. You rarely see Love spoken in these times.  Its judgments--from every side. Its people just waiting with bated breath to see this Duck Dynasty family, since they are Christians, fall from grace. Its like the people just devour the misstep of a Christan.

And i think that is unfair.  Heck, the Christians are the most persecuted of all.  I believe that to be true.

But i am not going to hate over it. I won't give into anyones words. To connect hate and Christianity (though it is there in some people) isn't what i want to represent.

I don't know. I guess i feel like we feed on peoples sins. Though we are all sinners. And we have no grace for each there--though we demand it for ourselves.

Its confusing. And it leaves me feeling heavy hearted sometimes.

Last night i came home late but my kids had just gone to bed (cause their cool Dad snuck them to the sky zone with out their Momma) and when i got home i was frustrated and i was talking to Jeromy and heard a sound in Juniors room....

I finished talking and washed up for bed and i snuck into Juniors room. In the darkness he didn't see me. I walked quietly over to his bed. And as i pulled back his covers and climbed in, I heard his precious little tiny voice whisper "Mom?" and i whispered back, "Its me.Sorry to wake you, Mom just wanted to cuddle you." And he said, as he wrapped his arm around my neck and settled in "you didn't. i just woke up cause i wanted to see you."

And at that very moment, all things that weren't right in this world--melted away. And the love i felt in my heart was so great that i thought i may just explode.

After he drifted to sleep, i climbed into Ruby's bed and she told me about her day and we layed in the darkness, snuggling, and loving our time alone together.

And i was reminded that i don't have to be anything that i don't want to be. Anything people say or claim or assume about me???

Well, that just doesn't matter.

All i have and all that i want was right there under my roof.

And i was so full.

I didn't have to know him to feel the pain.

I guess i can't quite explain why the death of Paul Walker has stayed with me so heavily.  I didn't know him personally.  But i can close my eyes and see his smile.  I've never spoken to him. But i can hear his laugh.

It sounds weird, i suppose.

But i can't quite shake my sadness at the tragic loss of this human.

I found out a day after it happened.  And i found out via a facebook post talking about how wrong it was that the driver of the car hadn't been acknowledged yet.

I felt weird when i read it. Panicky, almost.  I quickly read the rest of the post to find out there was an accident. I immediately googled his name and the first thing i saw was his dateof birth and date of death.

Again, obviously i didn't know him.  But i did love his movies. Always.

As i read about the accident, i found myself holding my breath.  And feeling that familiar feeling of adrenaline and panic run through my veins.

I just can't believe it. To have just left a charity for "five minutes" to take a car for a spin??? And then to crash, so tragically, and die??? Its upsetting, to say the least.  My mind has difficulty processing it.

I've gone to bed thinking about it. And i have woken up thinking about it.

And i don't know why.

Something about him dying is really bothering me.

People are posting things on facebook about his death being no more important than any other death. And i agree.  But the difference is, lets not make light of his-- they are all so tragic.

Death.

It is so final. So palpable. So uncontrollable.

As i walked on the treadmill today--trying to focus on something other than this death, my mind raced.

Why?  I pray as if we were friends. I pray for his family. I think about his daughter. I wonder about the movie. I am sad for the loss.

And then i wonder about heaven???

I prayed as if to beg God, to make him be there.

Whenever someone dies, most people assume they are in heaven.  Though we know that not all humans will be there. I thought about Lazarus and the tax payer. How he begged God to let him tell his brothers about this awful place, how he wanted to warn them about Hell. How he would do anything to keep his loved ones from spending a second in this fire.

I cringe at the thought of Paul Walkers smile not being in heaven.

And then i cling to this verse "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?" 1 corinthians 2:11

I didn't know Paul Walker and i didn't know his heart. But i pray he is in heaven.

For some reason i saw humanity in a different way today. I begged and pleaded for the sinners. For them to truly know God and to love him.

I wanted God to fight for Pauls soul like i felt like i wanted to. (Though i know he did)

Again, i know its weird. I don't know why i feel so connected to this.

But his isn't just a death that I can read about and say "aww, thats too bad."

This is staying with me.

And i don't like it one bit.

I almost want to forget about it. I want to rewind and be able to go on--not caring, like so many others.

The burden of this feeling is heavy on my soul.

I didn't want to post any photos. But i did find a quote by him that read "If someday the speed kills me, don't cry because i was smiling." 

Honestly, that little quote gave me a bit of hope. i don't know why.

As i reenact the accident over and over in my head, i keep thinking that it had to have happened so fast that he didn't suffer. He didn't even know what happened.

I imagine that it just went dark.

And that's where my prayer turns into a plea.

What is the line? 

We know that John 3:16 says that "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." And i believe that with all my heart.

I only hope that Paul believed as well...

Sometimes i think i get stuck in all the rules.  Instead of just loving God and loving others. I wonder if i am loving Him enough and loving others the "right" way. (i'm embarrassed to even admit it)

And just seeing death, so in your face and vivid, i just want to shout it from the roof tops. Its not enough to just live--we need to live for Christ. Each day. every moment. Always.

Because tomorrow isn't promised to us. And we aren't entitled to any second chances. And hell is real.

Our lives can go from life to death in an instant.

If you let your self really take it in, if you let yourself really think about eternity--it should change you.

Honestly, it can scare you. Our human brains often times get in the way of eternity.

But lets think about it.

Now.

Right now.

Those are my thoughts today.  I just wanted to work it out and writing helps. I know its weird how it has affected me. Heck, its probably lame. But i can close my eyes and see the scene of the accident. And I wish i couldn't....believe me.

I have nothing more than this today--

I'm just sad about the death of a man, that i never knew, who was far, far away.

And I can't tell if its making my vision clearer--or foggier........