Ups & Downs

Jeromy and i would both agree--this has been the hardest year of our lives. Lots of changes, lots of frustrations, lots of confusion and lots of attacks.

And we were in the midst of one this last week. We were being attacked by someone full of greed and selfishness and it was pulling us down. (but that's another blog)

We were fighting through it--fighting through our own control over our feelings and the injustices of life and the hypocrisy that we often face that makes our heads spin! Lets just say i was digging down deep, to get through this.

Fighting the hate i felt in the situation and the feeling of wanting to air out all the truths of what has gone on in our life and the want to air all the unjust actions that have taken place.

I was fighting to ignore.

Not something i am good at, but something i am learning to do when faced with these, all too familiar, situations.

I had a bad few days. A shut off few days. A dark few days.

I knew i would get through it. I was mad about something that happened that was out of our control and that anger can sometimes consume me. And i was fighting it.

Trying to pull myself up and to move forward. Trusting that God was in control and no matter the outcome--whether he resolved it for our earthly eyes or not. I knew he was with us and that he knew the truth. The rest was not up to us. Our job is to trust and allow God to work--even when things don't seem to go in our favor.

That's really hard for me. I'm more of a "Meet me on the hill" kind of girl, ya know.

I fretted over my feelings because just a few days before this happened i prayed--aloud--that God would just give me eyes to focus on heaven, not the earthly problems and the flesh that sometimes distract us.

And wouldn't ya know--like God always does, He heard me and brought something into my life that would test if i was looking up or if i was living on earth and clinging to earthly things.  (you know, like FAIRNESS!!)

And as i silently struggled internally to get my focus right, i was torn. I felt like my focus was right. I didn't want "stuff" but i did want justice. I always want it. But never the less, God reminded me that justice isn't mine, but His. And he will handle all things according to his timing.

To top that off, Jeromy and I had a ball game on Friday night and i played terribly.  Terribly. Which for me--is rock bottom.  I was frustrated. I was talking to my Dad and apologizing for being bad and explaining that this has been my worst year in ball ever. (not that he hadn't already witnessed that) Ugh. It felt like the bottom.

Then that next day Ruby came home from school acting like a bear. Like a total bear. And i just couldn't handle it. I felt like there was nothing i was doing right and that no one was looking out for me. Even God. I felt like he always choose the other team to defend. And it just stung. (Kind of sounds a little dramatic now as i type it--but its how i felt)

Ruby literally yelled and screamed and kicked and got a time out, a spanking, lost money and tv all in about an hour of being home. It was bad.  I felt like i didn't even know what to do with her. My girl. My precious girl who is constantly battling me and yet so darn protective of me in the same breath. Its enough to confuse a  Mom--i'll tell ya that.

Regardless, we went to Juniors open house and Ruby was even mad there, and Jeromy and i were at the end of our ropes as well.

"What are we going to do with her?"  "How can we parent her better?" "Maybe she just needs time to unwind after school?"  "Does she need her own room?"  "More space?"....

These were the questions we talked about in the car ride home.  We stopped at DQ for a little outside celebratory dinner. (Ruby didn't get a treat though--as punishment for her attitude)

In the car ride home, she was talking mean to her sister and i told her that "if she was going to talk like that she could stay in this car until she remembered how to talk kindly!"

And when we got home. She quietly asked me if we could "sit in the car for a bit?"

Jeromy looked at me and i noddeed my head and he took the other kids inside and Ruby and i sat.

"Whats up" i asked her, feeling frustrated.

And that's when her angry demeanor turned soft and her lip started to quiver.

"Today at school..." she said

"When i was going to sit down in my desk.....Will kicked my chair away..."

"What!? Did you sit down or did you see him do that?" i asked her.

" I didn't see him and i sat down and missed the chair and i fell....and it hurt my back...."  (those of you who know her know she has a bad back if she sits hard on her tailbone)

'"WHAT!!!" I said, as my head started to spin-- time standing still.  I felt completely broken and helpless to know my girl had had these little feelings all bottled up in her all day. That she was on the receiving end of a not-so-funny prank....Guh. What do you do with that?

"Oh Ruby, i am so sorry..." i said.

" I felt like i wanted to cry...but i didn't." she responded--chin quivering.

We continued talking and she explained the situation and how and when it happened and how it hurt her and embarrassed her and she didn't know what to do.

I went into full blown protective mode and felt the weight of her sadness unloaded onto my shoulders.
I asked her if the teacher saw or anyone else and she said no, they didn't.

Obviously i assured her that i was going to call that teacher in the morning and let her know about it and that Will would likely apologize for his action. And i tried (even though i felt mad at him too) to explain that Will was probably just trying to be funny and that he didn't know it hurt you and maybe he got nervous after you fell too. That just kids. And we need to remember that when we are teasing or laughing at our own brother and sister-- Its not funny when you are on the other end of a joke.

My heart broke for my baby girl. She is so strong and so silent. Of course she would just bottle that all up and not know how to handle it and then explode at home--where she is safe.

Ugh. It just hurt me. And it hurt Jeromy. To know that our baby was sad.

That moment in the car, i felt it, i felt the switch. I felt God finally taking my hate and my anger away and my frustrations with life and things i can not control and reminding me of all that is important and the importance of just loving my kids. Being there for them. Protecting them. And teaching them. Being thankful for what i do have.

Suddenly i was through the mess and back in reality. Focusing on what i could do.(Hallelujah)

And i was so thankful to be out of the pit. I don't like it there, and sometimes God has to help lift me out of it. Its a reminder that He didn't put me there. That man and the fallen flesh that is our human bodies put me there.

Flesh. It just gets in the way!!

I ended up having a fantastic few days with my family and my parents and my sibling and my cousins and aunts and uncles celebrating a wedding and the unity of two people!! We danced, we sweat, we laughed--we laughed some more--and we danced some more! It was an absolutely wonderful weekend away.

There is so much to be thankful for and so much that hinders our eyes from seeing it.  I am thankful--for this moment--and this day for all the many blessings that i do have.

Life just does't get much better than being with the ones you love!!

Get out alive

I knew this morning was going to be a good one when i woke up and opened the window to feel the cool breeze.

I made special monkey bread for the family as Jeromy slept and the kids played outside.

Coffee was brewing.

The wind was blowing.

The kids were laughing...

... and all was good.

Jeromy woke up and we ate breakfast together and had coffee and then he proceeded to head outside to work on his camper.

I continued to work on the inside of the house.  Randomly looking out my window to see the kids in their backpacks and hats making their way through the woods and up in the trees

They were playing a game.

Which is a fun one we play since we introduced the kids to the show "Get out alive" with Bear Grylls.

Ruby loves to play "Bear" and makes the other kids be the contestants and they have to create a "food" or "shelter" for the day.

Like so...You can't quite tell, but this is alot of pine needles, an what looks to be one of my solar lights from the front porch and some balls, and sticks and maybe a walnut from my parents tree...i don't even know.

I noticed a tree was broken as one of the kids tried to get sticks for their "fire"--one of the challenges of the show.

Duh.

And i showed it to Jeromy and we decided it was time to call the contestants in and tell them what they did well in this challenge and what they needed to work on. (one being, stop breaking healthy trees)

Jeromy brought them inside to the table and was very serious when addressing who had the challenge of the "fire" and how they did and then who made the "shelter" and how did they feel that went. And then he asked, "who broke the tree?"

All fingers pointed to Laney. And Jeromy continued--as i had to hold my hand over my mouth and pretended to be concentrating instead of stifling a laugh--that although that was a good plan and it would have been nice to have more branches to create a softer shelter...Laney, you in fact, would NOT get out alive. Sorry.

Okay, I see that sounds harsh. But if you watch the show--which we did--that is the "line" that's the "You're fired" signature Trump line. Its how you know who goes home each week. The one that wouldn't get out alive.

Laney took this seriously.

Quietly.

And stood up and went downstairs, as i heard her begin to whimper.

Which made me look at Jeromy and say "They were a team, the TEAM was supposed to go! Not our highly sensitive daughter! Geez."

Damage was done.

We moved on.

Jeromy went back out to the camper.

I continued to clean around the house.

And the kids eventually went back outside. This time with heavier backpacks and water bottles.

Our kids are so cool. So wildernessey.  I thought.  I bet they would get out alive if this show was for kids.

My kids rock.

They are mature and street smart beyond their years.

So as i continued to clean in each room i would look out the window and see them and say "hello" as they went around the house gathering this and that.

So cool.

What a great day.

They randomly would stop and wait for new directions from "the boss". Bear.

And then off they would go again....

So fun.

All was perfect in the land of the Boones.

Laundry was getting done.  Camper was getting--well, as fixed as you want to call it. The kids were playing  there was no harm, no foul to be seen.

My kids were imagining surviving the mountainous terrain of New Zealand.

That is, until a little birdie, who answers to the name of Junior, came inside to ask me for something and happened to mention that-oh yea,  "Ruby was cracking eggs in the woods!"

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch.......

Say what?

Ruby is what now?

I stood up and walked to the door, threw on my flips and off i went....looking for that Ruby.

I stopped a the camper to ask Jeromy if he knew about this, "Do you know Ruby is cracking eggs--in the woods!!"

"well, just one." he answers.

"Oh, only one? Did you tell her that was okay? Did she ask you?"

"Umm, nope. She didn't ask me."

(blink. blink.)

Oh, okay--so you're not really sure about any of this, not super concerned and are just saying you think it would be one egg, if she were in fact cracking eggs--IN THE WOODS? Oh boy--you can just go back to hammering stuff, man.

Off  I go to the back woods calling for the girls.

No answer.

No answer.

Finally i hear them in the side field playing.

Playing.

Like they hadn't just cracked our FOOD, in the dirt!!

"Ruby"  i say calmly. Cause that is my nature. Soft and calm.

"Did you crack an egg out here?"

"yes"

"Where did you put it?" I ask.

"In the compost like you always do, Mom."

"The egg is in the compost? Or just the shell?" i say.

"The shell. Just the shells."

"Shells--plural" i say.

"How many eggs did you crack, Ruby?"

(shoulder shrug) "I dunno"

"YOU DON'T KNOW!!.......well where did you crack these mysteriously uncountable eggs?!"

"In here" she says, handing me a bottle from her back pack.

(blink. blink.)


(blink)


"Well, maybe next time don't crack eggs--our food that we raise, grow and eat--in a bottle. Okay?!

I walked to the house. Took a picture of the "egg bottle" and cursed the day i ever let them watch 'Get out alive with Bear Grylls'.

(insert fist to sky)

 Darn you, Bear and all your wilderness and adventure awesomeness......DARN you!!!

But its still a good day.

The wind is blowing.

The coffee is waiting.

And the kids are a crackin' the heck out of our eggs!

All for the love of "getting out alive!"

a new season.

The season is changing. I am torn about how i feel. Obviously this is the topic of my conversation and thoughts these days.

My kids will be in school. All three of them. This year.

How 'bout that...

As i process that, i think back to the beginning of Summer when all three of them were in VBX at Oak Haven Church.  I would drop them off at 9 ish and pick them up before noon.

I specifically remember that first day driving out of the parking lot.  As i waited at the stop light to turn onto Hwy 65 i felt a bit lost.  Like i didn't know what to do. Like i didn't like being away from all of them at the same time.  Like things were a changin'.

Even if only for a week.

But as with most change....we get used to it.  We adjust.

The things that feel overwhelming and unthinkable become tolerable and comfortable.

Clearly i have planted my roots at home.  I have invested each and every day of my life, for the past 8 years, to my kids and to their well being and their needs and their raising.

I have rocked them. Kissed them. Laughed with them. Taught them. Sang with them. Watched them. Smiled a them.Explored with them. Ate alot of ice cream with them.  Drove with them. Danced with them. Scolded them. Disciplined them. Shaped them. And loved them.

And now what??

What am i to do now?

This journey is taking a turn. One i never even imagined i'd get to. All those sleepless nights. All those puke buckets. All those nights on the couch. All those moments where i thought i was going to lose it. All those moments of being completely covered with kids, but feeling so desperately alone. Those days that i thought would never end.They were so hard back then. And they seemed like they would never end.

And yet now--already-- they are here. And I will have moments of silence. Moments to myself. Quietness.

But i don't know if I'm ready for that just yet.

I can't just blindly send my kids off and carry on with my day. With my hopes and with my dreams.

I don't suddenly want to further my education. Get a job. Get attention. Or make life all about me.

I know so many women spread their wings when the kids leave.  And i can see how you could choose that path.

But for me. I think about my kids. I hope they are enjoying the day. I hope they aren't too bored. Or frustrated. Or afraid.  I hope they are happy. I want them to be happy. And i invest my time going to school to make them happy.

I feel like this new season of "school" is like a full time job for me.  I spend more time running back and forth eating lunches and pushing the kids on the tire swing then i ever imagined.

And i don't think its because i am overly involved. I don't helicopter.

I invest.

I know they need to learn to be on their own. And they will. They do.

But i always cling to the fact that i want them to be so secure in my love. To see me and trust me and depend on me, that they can be successful people as they grow.

School doesn't mean i'm done.  I don't feel a sigh of relief.  I feel a new demand. I'm going to embrace it.

Cause i just love those little buggars so much. I couldn't imagine checking out for 8 hours of "freedom".

 Lord, help me if i ever love the freedom more than the hugs.

I don't want to turn to selfish ways. To pats on the back. To furthering myself. To earthly affirmation.

Not just yet.

Because to me. Now that they will be away. Even if only for 10 hours a week.  I feel that the need to be home and available holds so much more importance now. Pressing. Necessary.

These little humans are my blood, my body, my heart. And heaven help me if i invest so much in myself, that they don't have a secure house, their nest, to return to each and every night with their Momma in it.

I want to greet them with dinner and a smile.

I can't check out now.

I know i will survive. And hopefully adapt to this new change. But i don't want to look forward to it.

As my mind wonders--every day--what my new routine will be. I have to always keep them first. My role as mother and wife is more important then my role as women living in this world.

Its a slippery slope. I can see it. I can even feel the tug at times. But i've got on my hiking boots and i'm in this for the long haul. I've gotta be....

Here's to a season of change. May God grant me the strength and wisdom to transition gracefully with my sights set on their needs first and all that is good. And not the ways of this world.