a new season.

The season is changing. I am torn about how i feel. Obviously this is the topic of my conversation and thoughts these days.

My kids will be in school. All three of them. This year.

How 'bout that...

As i process that, i think back to the beginning of Summer when all three of them were in VBX at Oak Haven Church.  I would drop them off at 9 ish and pick them up before noon.

I specifically remember that first day driving out of the parking lot.  As i waited at the stop light to turn onto Hwy 65 i felt a bit lost.  Like i didn't know what to do. Like i didn't like being away from all of them at the same time.  Like things were a changin'.

Even if only for a week.

But as with most change....we get used to it.  We adjust.

The things that feel overwhelming and unthinkable become tolerable and comfortable.

Clearly i have planted my roots at home.  I have invested each and every day of my life, for the past 8 years, to my kids and to their well being and their needs and their raising.

I have rocked them. Kissed them. Laughed with them. Taught them. Sang with them. Watched them. Smiled a them.Explored with them. Ate alot of ice cream with them.  Drove with them. Danced with them. Scolded them. Disciplined them. Shaped them. And loved them.

And now what??

What am i to do now?

This journey is taking a turn. One i never even imagined i'd get to. All those sleepless nights. All those puke buckets. All those nights on the couch. All those moments where i thought i was going to lose it. All those moments of being completely covered with kids, but feeling so desperately alone. Those days that i thought would never end.They were so hard back then. And they seemed like they would never end.

And yet now--already-- they are here. And I will have moments of silence. Moments to myself. Quietness.

But i don't know if I'm ready for that just yet.

I can't just blindly send my kids off and carry on with my day. With my hopes and with my dreams.

I don't suddenly want to further my education. Get a job. Get attention. Or make life all about me.

I know so many women spread their wings when the kids leave.  And i can see how you could choose that path.

But for me. I think about my kids. I hope they are enjoying the day. I hope they aren't too bored. Or frustrated. Or afraid.  I hope they are happy. I want them to be happy. And i invest my time going to school to make them happy.

I feel like this new season of "school" is like a full time job for me.  I spend more time running back and forth eating lunches and pushing the kids on the tire swing then i ever imagined.

And i don't think its because i am overly involved. I don't helicopter.

I invest.

I know they need to learn to be on their own. And they will. They do.

But i always cling to the fact that i want them to be so secure in my love. To see me and trust me and depend on me, that they can be successful people as they grow.

School doesn't mean i'm done.  I don't feel a sigh of relief.  I feel a new demand. I'm going to embrace it.

Cause i just love those little buggars so much. I couldn't imagine checking out for 8 hours of "freedom".

 Lord, help me if i ever love the freedom more than the hugs.

I don't want to turn to selfish ways. To pats on the back. To furthering myself. To earthly affirmation.

Not just yet.

Because to me. Now that they will be away. Even if only for 10 hours a week.  I feel that the need to be home and available holds so much more importance now. Pressing. Necessary.

These little humans are my blood, my body, my heart. And heaven help me if i invest so much in myself, that they don't have a secure house, their nest, to return to each and every night with their Momma in it.

I want to greet them with dinner and a smile.

I can't check out now.

I know i will survive. And hopefully adapt to this new change. But i don't want to look forward to it.

As my mind wonders--every day--what my new routine will be. I have to always keep them first. My role as mother and wife is more important then my role as women living in this world.

Its a slippery slope. I can see it. I can even feel the tug at times. But i've got on my hiking boots and i'm in this for the long haul. I've gotta be....

Here's to a season of change. May God grant me the strength and wisdom to transition gracefully with my sights set on their needs first and all that is good. And not the ways of this world.

Its coming.

I can feel it in my bones again---schools coming.

The other night i woke up in a panic as i realized that school is only one more full week away. And i had a stomach ache the rest of the night as i thought about my kids being there.

I love the school setting, the community, the togetherness and the camaraderie that they have and share there. I do.  I just wish they could have all that and i could be with them the whole day.

I know you homeshooling Moms are going to be disappointed that i haven't pulled them yet.  And i am a bit disappointed myself.

Believe me i have agonized over this decision and come to the conclusion that maybe middle school is when they should be a home? I don't even know anymore.

All i do know is--i don't want to sent them away again.  And yet having them home all summer, i haven't done a great job practicing their reading and math either.

Our days have looked a bit like this--wake up and watch some tv while i make breakfast. Then we end up outside. Or at a movie. Or swimming a the pool next door. Or in the garden picking our veggies. Or collecting eggs. Or riding bikes. Or playing at the park. Or driving up to DQ. Or playing ball in the driveway. Or making food together. Or snuggling on the couch.

And i don't want to lose that. I don't want to have the 4 to 7 hour at night when my girls are tapped out from school and we have to cram in reading homework or study our history. I want the days. The good parts.

But i have already shown myself that when we have a whole day together we aren't organized and learning out of a book. But we are learning from real life.  And i think that is equally important. But if your kid can't read but he can swim laps in a pool--not really something to put on his resume.

So i understand that they need school. I know.

I just don't  like sending them. Plain and simple.

I told Jeromy recently that i wish i could just "home-hang" them. (that  looks bad on paper, but sounded better when i said it--i swear.)

I want to "home-hang". I want to be home and hang with my kids.  All the time. (well, except for a random night when i need to go out with my friends and paint my nails!;) )

I actually feel like a sob is just hanging in the air. Over my head. At all times. And i know its the thought of them leaving for 8 hours a day, again.

I can't shake it, but i can't seem to change it either. Because they love school. And i love seeing that.

I love their little classes. The kids are so precious and i feel like i know them all. I know who i want in my girls classes, and who i don't.  But regardless, i trust that God will place them where He wants them to be. I have to. Because its my prayer with the most volume behind it.

My panic prayer. My pleading prayer. My concerned prayer. My daily prayer.

And that truly reassures me. Each day before they head out to the bus, they wait at the door, sometimes moaning "Moo-oom ,come on. Hurry up and pray so i can go out!!"  And even when they are whining about it. I am always proud of them. Happy for the habit. And confident that God is listening.

So i grab them individually and pray aloud for their safety, their heart, their friends and teachers, and their minds.  And off they go.

In fact, i do about 90% of things in life wrong. But this--this is the one moment every day when i know all is right. When we are together in prayer and I am hugging my girls.

The thing is, i don't just throw up a prayer out of habit. I pray each morning as if i am putting on their armor for the day. And it truly (and not much else does) makes me feel like they are going to be okay while they are away from me.  Because i believe that, when we ask God to put his angels around East Bethel Community School every morning, He does.  I know they are there. Standing watch. Protecting the innocent children. And that's what gets me through another day of this "school life".

Uff. I feel it coming. I feel me chest tightening. I feel the sob hanging. Lingering over me. But i am going to enjoy this next week or so that have them here. And then i'm going to face that first day of school like i do every other year. With my car keys in hand, so that when the bus passes by, i can get into the van and follow it to school. .You know, just for good measure :)


Cause that's how i roll....

A cleanse--yea, so big deal?!

Alright, here's the Delio--i have decided to do a cleanse.

Ugh. I know.

The idea was so beautiful as i listened to my brother talk about thefood and the benefits and i just got hooked.

I trusted him--even though he had not yet done it--and i jumped on board.

I went to Walmart and the Co-op in Cambridge to get all my "goods"  (after lunch today, i use that word lightly)

Of course, like usual, i tried to rope my friends into it as well.

A few were in a few were out.

Since we discovered that fennel is elusive, we decided to wait a few day to gather all the right ingredients and then we were going to get this party--this throw up in your mouth party--started.

For the love of our kidneys, liver and colon.

Well, after texting back and forth with Gwennie yesterday and sending pictures of mammoth cabbages and fennel ,we decided--reluctantly--(more like Lynn demanded and i followed since it was my lame idea) to start today. Thursday.

And it really is a joy.

Oops, did i say joy--i meant i want to stab myself--repeatedly--in the eyeballs with a stick...an ooey, gooey frosting covered stick.....

Mmmmmm, frosting.....

You can feel free to join me or copy me. I mean its just a barrel of fun, sister. A monkey-filled, violent barrel of torturous fun.... I mean fun--its really fun.

This cleanse isn't like the other cayenne pepper and lemon water cleanses where you drink till you want to gag and then poop your pants.  This is one that has specific foods put together for each meal that will help to get your insides functioning at their optimal performance.(not that i ever thought they weren't, i guess) So at least i get to eat....but i would almost rather not.

So this morning for breakfast i made quinoa and put some rice milk and chopped up prunes into it with a bit of grated ginger and nutmeg.  I KNOW--your taste buds are just a tingling at the sound of this. Mmmmmm.

Okay. Here's the thing. I hate OATMEAL. i want to eat if for breakfast, but it brings me back to when i was a kid and my parents would make me sit at the table until it finished my bowl and i hated it then and i hate it now. I didn't have oatmeal for breakfast today, i had quinoa. But its like they were trying to trick you into thinking it was like oatmeal and that it was a normal thing to have at 8:00am.

And i love quinoa. Or i did. Until i tainted it with ginger and PRUNES!! Gak. Throw up in my mouth.

I found myself longing for some mushy oatmeal and a handful of brown sugar....Delicious brown sugar.

But i gagged it down--like a trooper.

So with that behind me, i felt accomplished today. I knew i was headed to Lynn's to get my fennel and that would take until lunch time, right?  Totes. This is going to be cake. One meal down--seven gazillion more to go.

I found myself looking a the clock at around 9:00 wondering if this was possibly the longest day int the history of the world. (And i still stand by that comment). I'm gonna look it up. I am certain time has actually stopped and begun to go backwards.

So from 9:37 to 9:50 i was in the car and my thought process was something like this.

"I can DO this. I got this. Its just food. And its just two days....two days!  Like, no biggie. Who cares.
Not me. Cause i am a lean mean quinoa and prune eating machine. Whatever, i gots this.....

(a few silent moments go by)

...what is food anyways? What is life? Who am I? Can i be me if i just eat quinoa and prunes? How do you host a party with the snack being a watered down juice mix?  Do people like cabbage and fennel broth? Who likes broth.  Oh my gosh, i think i am dying.....what if there is no more good food by Saturday and i have missed it all? What if when i can finally enjoy food again, it has disappeared from the earth?! What if i HAD to eat this for the rest of my life.? Is death an option? Oh Death, i welcome you.

(...5 seconds of panic go by)

Ohhh, McDonalds. I NEED that. I NEED a coffee. Now. That's right. I'm not run by anybody!  I do what i choose, when i choose it! I am in control of my life. Not you Dr. Oz!   Not YOU!!!! (insert hand to fist and tear down cheek as i drive by McDonalds)

...you would have failed if you ordered that sugary drink, Christina. Failed like you do at every thing else in life. You're going cra-cra, stop obsessing with food. Its just food. Delicious, glorious, and wonderful food.  Two days....just do it--ya big fat quinoa eating baby. Eat it!!

(insert all of lifes questions placed directly onto my weak, weak, food deprived brain)

Thank you Jesus, I've arrived at Lynns.

Misery loves company. (and cake. Misery definitely loves cake.....and frosting....oh, and cupcakes.....and oreos. I bet misery definitely loves those things.)

I got my stuff and we chatted trying to encourage and complain all at thee same time.  Lynn actually had to remove a pancake crumb from the table for the love of our sanity.  The temptation was there, i'm not gonna lie. If only i had seen it before lynn. (insert fist--again)

So i packed up my sauerkraut (you know, for a snack) and my beans and my fennel and my dandelion tea and headed out the door.  We waved good bye and the three hours of discipline that i had experienced this day had took its tole and a headache (cause i am a baby) set in.

Realizing i forgot my apples and that i had to get a few human things for the kids for dinner, i stopped at Target--after being crabby with my hubby on the phone because HE implied sauerkraut and quinoa and prunes were gross-- how dare he?!--only to find that i forgot my purse at HOME!!!! Ugh.

Thank the Lord. Jeromy was done early and close to Blaine so we agreed to meet there and he would foot the bill--cause he's a gentleman like that.

Deal.

Blaine Target came into view and my kids commented on the delicious smell of the Chilli's, Leann Chin, and all other things fried and untouchable.

I kid you not. I have never felt the need for some substance in my life. Shopping while starving and restricted was equivalent to bamboo shoots under my nails! BAMBOO SHOOTS!!. Please Jesus, just let some sugary or starchy substance fall from the sky and land in my mouth. I would have no control over that. It wouldn't be cheating...it would be an accident!!

Well, as my luck would have it, no delicious treats fell from the sky and into my mouth.

Of COURSE.(insert fist)

But i did run into my mother. And that was fun. Until she pulled out a dollar bill for each of the kids to get a little treat and handed me a $5 bill to "get a special coffee treat"....

"Moooo-ooooom!! I told you i was doing this thiiiii-ng"

That is the moment when the lights went out and my knees weakened.

I CAN'T HAVE A COFFEE!!!

Waaaaaa!! 

Jeromy had a twinkle in his eye thee whole time we were a the store as i suffered through my grocery shopping experience. And i had daggers in mine.

I was starving. But i knew i would get a smoothie for lunch and that had to be delicious, right?

Right.

No, WRONG. Of course its wrong. Its always wrong. Dr. Oz is a member of Satan's army and he wants me dead---dead i tell you!!!

So after i blended up my pitiful 1/4 cup of blueberries and 1/4 banana and some almond milk (barf central) flax seed and ice...i am now chocking down the worst. smoothie. ever.

It doesn't even qualify as a smoothie. That was just a mean, mean trick. Its a grainy, beautifully colored, almond tasting puke fest that i want no part of.

But since, like an a-wad, i invited a friend to join me in this gauntlet of horror--i have to keep drinking and continue on down this road of rage and a slight headache.

All things a good ol' coffee and cupcake would fix.

But alas, when i finally get to eat fluffy goodness again--it will be extinct and i will then die.

So peace out, my friends.

This could be my last blog entry soooooo, you're gonna want to print and frame this one....

Here lies Christina Boone--she died with perfectly clean and an optimally functioning kidney, liver and colon.