My Soaring Eagle

What a fun day today has been.

Well, actually it started a bit ....uhhh....hurried ?!

Like, i shooed Ruby out the door as the bus was waiting for her with her flip flops on her feet and her socks in her hands and no backpack. I may or may not have been scolding her about "dilly dallying" as she walked down the driveway.

But i knew it would pick up.  I just had to get to 9:35.

Ya see, at 9:35, the East Bethel Community School was having its last assembly for the year and i had been invited--personally--by the teacher.  Because my girl was being awarded the "Eagle Pride" award.

They receive a teeshirt and an honor in front of the whole school for being respectful, kind, caring, and good. Its their way to recognize that good behavior. Only three kids get picked, a year, in the class. So as you can imagine, we are very proud.

Let me tell you,  Ruby was awarded this award in 1st grade as well. Its a surprise to the kids, until their name is called, they don't know who will be the "Soaring Eagle". And lets just say Ruby isn't one for surprises, okay? She never once cracked a smile and you would think she was receiving an award for the most under enthusiastic child at the school.

                                          (Ha--see what I mean? Shes got a poker face, this one.)

So when I was emailed about her nomination for the Eagle Pride shirt this year....i wasn't sure how she'd react. I was kind of nervous. Very excited. And overwhelmingly proud.

Jeromy wasn't able to go this year, due to work, but my Mom met me there--so we represented as best we could.

The teacher saved a seat for us, and Ruby saw us as we entered.  She's wasn't overly happy. I'll say that. But she did wave and acknowledge us. So, that was good.

I swear i started to sweat just walking into the gym. I don't know if it was excitement, nerves or what. But i DO love me a good assembly.  And EBCC is never one to disappoints!!

 They showed a slide show--with music and pictures, acknowledged the honor rolls, and talked about the year coming to a close.

I felt a bit verklempted....

Like, i had to think about something else or i felt like i was going to lose it.

I don't even know why.

I guess because i DO love that darn school. Its not perfect. But i don't care. There's just something about all those little bodies sitting together that feels so special that it tears at my heart strings.

When they finally got to the awards, i stood up and got my camera ready. Hoping not to see a bear on the other end of it this year.

I tried to smile and meet Ruby's eyes, i raised my eyebrows alot---thinking that would do the trick.  Like "Yea!! You did it, its gonna be fun. You're gonna be fine. And i love you."

I think she got the message...

"2nd grade" they called out. "Mrs. Lundbergs class", they said---"Ruby Boone", she read. ( Its the name i 've always known I'd hear over a loud speaker someday... "Annnnd Ruby Boone hits another homerun out of the park, leading the Lady Yankees to another World Series Championship!!!")

My girl got up. And she headed to the front.

 And my heart leapt with pride.

That's alot of people to stand in front of. Your peers. Yours teachers. Your friends.

She went right up there and accepted her teeshirt, with the other students.

And something inside me was hurting, deep -deep- inside i felt a sob rising up. My little girl was growing up. And i was so proud of her.  And so thankful that the school was honoring her and bringing so much joy to both hers, and my day.

Alright, so she wasn't all smiles. But she was happy. I knew that.

Next, they do a really cool thing. Its the thing that always makes me feel like bawling. Like breaking down like a little baby and crying tears of joy as i see my kid walk through the row of  teachers as they high five and congratulate the kids.  Its a beautiful thing to watch. Heartwrenchingly beautiful.  All this while playing Aretha Franklins "RESPECT" over the loud speakers.

We all clap to a beat as kids walk through the line. My dear friend--a teacher there--always give my girl special attention when she gets to her--and it just makes me feel like a weepy mess.

This is Ruby's "Ugh, Mo-oom" look.  Which just makes me want to kiss those widdle cheekers and love and squeeze her forever.  (Oh, she loves it. She tries to pretend that she doesn't.......but she does.)

Next the music teacher sits all the 5th graders down and then has the K-4th graders stand up and face them and they sing this ominous song about letting the wind always be at your back and all this beautiful and gut wrenching stuff.  I mean, i don't even KNOW any fifth graders and i felt overwhelmed at this beautiful sendoff.  Like i wanted to cry, wail, lament, and hold my fist to the sky and moan "Noooooo! They're not ready....one more year....Don't goooo!"

Again, i had to concentrate on baseball and dishes and lame things like that--so as not to lose my steely composure.

Why was it so touching?! Ugh.

Lastly, one of my favorite things. So much a favorite that i was all caught up in it and didn't take any pictures.  Honestly, sometimes I feel like a 1st grader, myself, as i watch with awe at what is going to happen next and clap with the others and laugh, and sigh, and get excited as the teachers begin to dance.

Like, really excited.

The teachers get some funny hats and things on and stand in two lines as the electric slide starts to plays over the speakers (you have my attention teachers)....and electric slid they did...Then the record screeches and on comes the macarena (oh, yea!)....and macarena they do....next a screech and on comes 'Cotton eyed Joe' (loooovin this)...and they dance, and one teacher flips....(which leaves me no choice but to "ohh and ahhh" as my clap picks up speed)....screetch.... (i was all what? What is going to be next? Ooooh, I just can't wait!!) and can ya even guess what came next?

No, you won't...

...YOU just WON'T!!....

The music rips into that famous beat that we all love so much, the teachers pump it up a notch as we hear the familiar beginning of Gongham style and i errupt into whooting and hollering and feel teary all at the same time. I clap to the beat and stand up!!! Whooo, whoooooo.....

How cool is that?

That song triggered me to look through the audience for Easton and Drew (a 2nd and kindergartner)--who ride Ruby and Laney's bus--who look out the window every morning and do the gongham style moves to me and well, i always do them back.  As the bus rolls away from our bus stop every morning i have my arms crossed over each other and my legs are a hoppin' as i'm all "Whoop 'em gongham style!" until the bus rolls out of view.

Which i enjoyed....until Ruby got wind of it....

Which then triggers my brain to look to Ruby--who after having  found out i do this with Easton and Drew-- basically threatened my life if i "ever do gongham style again!!"  (So i can't do it now...but its really hard not to. Sometimes i just quick cross my wrist and wink at the boys. Hoping Ruby doesn't see me ..)

But i digress....back to the teachers.

They are dancing and i am happy and its a touching moment.

My girl. My little first born. My angel who is homemade, by me, grown in my belly--is in 2nd grade and she has a little life outside of our house--outside of my wing.

Its beautiful, the things they learn in school. The life experiences they face. Some not always grand, but shaping her, none-the-less.

I'm torn because of my pull to homeschool. This school, even with its bumps and bruises, its kind of a special place.  A place that i always feel happy in. A place that i spend just about every day at. A place that has brought me joy.

Today was amazing.

A feeling of unity and acceptance, love and respect--as we all sit and clapped together-- is something i love.

 I truly love it.

Those kids are so special. Those teachers are so great. I guess i can't really put the words together to match the feelings that i had today.

But lest just say--it felt good. 

With so much bad. So much hurting. So much pain. So much sorrow. So much disaster. So much anger in the world.

It was truly beautiful to witness the pure joy of a school--together in unity--today in East Bethel.

What a day.

                                                  (look at her. Couldn't ya just eat her up)

(Its about RESPECT, check it out, check it out....)

(I love that face.....not mine, but definitely hers! :) (oops, just spelt that darn word wrong ...AGAIN!)

(Ruby loves her Grandma!)

                             (And the wonderful Mrs. Lundberg. I sure am going to miss that face next year.)

Thank you East Bethel Community School for the beautiful, beautiful day.

Its hip to be square

I've realized a few things about myself lately....well, maybe i always knew them.

No, i definitely always knew them.

I am just now putting them all together.

Cause clearly i have nothing better to do.

As i dissect my personality and my "style" in life i have come to a few conclusions.

I can look past a floor that has a pile of laundry on it or a basket the needs to be folded, but i HATE when Jeromy's shirt drawer is out of order!  I find myself refolding all his tee shirts on a weekly basis.  All while i take a squat on that pile of laundry that i am overlooking.

I wouldn't dare eat meat that wasn't organic or pasture raised, but i give my kid an Icee just about every time i go to Target.

I talk alot and sometimes come off like i am mad or arguing, when in fact--its the silence you want to look out for.

My favorite time with my husband is when we are watching a movie together.  We are both totally engaged and totally in to it. And sometimes we can agree that maybe we BOTH--in fact-- wouldn't mind kissing Jason Statham!!

 Mmmmmmm....Jason Statham.

I like the cloudy, overcast days more than the sunny ones because they make me feel less pressure to get stuff done.

I can have a dessert ready at any moment of the day--but dinner hurts my brain as i ponder it ALL day.

If i could skip meals and just eat cake--well, i definitely would. (and maybe already do...you don't know)

I feel afraid about 99% of the time, but powerful when i have a shotgun at my shoulder or a ball in my hand.

I love talking to my friends, but sometimes i just can't find my phone--i hear it, but i just can't find it.

I have trouble deciding if i would rather be friends with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler or Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph....who am i kidding, I'd pick Gilly every time!!!

Jimmy Fallon makes me happy, but Jimmy Kimmel bugs me.

I think if someone has too many "likes" on a post on facebook, then they don't need me to do it---even if i really DID like the comment.

 Does that mean that I withhold affection?

No.

Cause I'm a super high fiver.

(high five to you for agreeing)

(ohh, cold shoulder to YOU for not.)

I think girls rule and boys drool....unless the boy is mine then i think he hung the moon!!!

Sometimes i have to physically say out loud "Christina, put that stinkin' dish in the sink" or i will walk away and never return.

I want to laugh 90% of my day, and yell the other 10%

I hate organized people.....cause i am super jealous. (Shhhhh)

Sorry i said "hate",  I didn't mean to.....

I have never once spelled "definitely" correct, without having to spell check it... Ugh, that one bugs me. Its that darn second "i" it always gets me.

I could have a hundred dollar bill in my hand when i am at Caribou, but if they try to charge me for whip cream on my iced white mocha-- Sister, you don't even want to know. I go loco on them. That's what makes it NOT a latte. The whip and white chocolate!!!!  The whip is ALREADY included in the price. So now you are tyring to double charge me for the whip?  (Which i clearly need--since my swimsuit just like totally hangs off me--obviously).  If after all my arguing they don't concede? Then i just change to the hot white mocha.(passive aggressively)  And then i win, Caribou....I WIN!!!!!

This year when i got on my bike, i felt like the wheels started to cry.

(Which reminds me, no more cake...or whip cream.....FINE, no more mocha's either, Geez, what are you? Hitler?)

No matter what happens in a day, my kids always can make me smile. Always. Except when they are giving me a headache... But after a shot of ibuprofen--I'm all smiles again!

If i ever offend you--don't be. I am messing around about 90% of my life.  Unless i am talking about Jesus or my kids--then i'm probably very serious.

Is it possible that i am growing? Or is everyone else just shrinking? Guh.

I can dig in the dirt or carry rocks or rake all day long---just please don't ask me to do dishes--then i am really tired.

My husband is oddly capable of everything.....it really bugs me.

I will argue till i am blue in the face against families being busy-- I believe simplicity is best and kids thrive in it.

Softball is awesome--soccer is totally lame (but i'm sure you all already knew that!)

Golf and tennis are dumb (you could basically wear a skirt in both), but basketball and hockey are awesome!

No matter how tired i am i will stay up late to watch TV. Its a blessing and a curse.

Thought i can't stand our bed and its disgusting softness--nothing feels better than climbing back into it around 4 am, after a night of bed jumping between two kids teeny, tiny, elf like beds.

I like to help out--as long as i initiate it and its not "too" formal. If there's a sign up sheet--- i rebel.

 I think rules are made to be followed. Unless its the don't eat past 7 o'clock rule. I mean, hello, if i followed that rule when would i eat my ice cream and chips?

I have embraced my spandex like running capris---but if my underwear band is too tight--its just plain gonna be a bad day, OKAY?!

Which leads me to the fact that i used to not know what a "muffin top" was---lets just say that now i do....

When i read blogs i sometimes think people pretend to know it all and have it all together--that's why i am writing this one.  So you can all agree that "at least you're not that bad off!" Ha, i don't even care. Lets all laugh about it....

Sometimes i feel like the only woman who can start to clean her room, find a towel that belongs in the bathroom, bring it to the bathroom, find an article in a magazine that i want to read, read it, run a bath and read it, get out, realize i left a cup in the bathroom, head to the kitchen, see there are lots of dishes that need to get into the washer, load it, go to start it, see i am almost out of soap, turn to the fridge to write it on the list, decide i am hungry, roam the cupboards and fridge, decide to make puppy chow quick, turn to see my towel on the floor as i walk past the bathroom, walk down stairs to put it in the laundry room, walk past the office, start the washer, check if i got an email, read a blog, read facebook, decide i am bored, walk upstairs, eat puppychow, look for towel to dry hands, remember the washer that i started and didn't fill, go down stairs, quick check facebook, head upstairs determined to clean my room, look out the window, realize i didn't let the chickens out, get my shoes on, take out the garbage, let the chickens out,  realize Junior came out with me and won't come back in, sit on the porch and enjoy the sunshine, feel pressure--cause thats what sun does to me, call Sarah, talk until her battery dies, go inside to make dinner, Think "whats for dinner?" Ugh, go downstairs to find some meat, check facebook, remember the laundry, its cold water now, start over, go upstairs, sit in my room, think i should really clean it,  then look out the window at my beautiful chickens and watch them as i lay across my bed and smile at the window... Until I hear the garage door open, realize Jeromy is home and panic as i thought that i did stuff today and yet did nothing all at the same time, hurry and pick up the living room, and grab a arm full of towels and walk downstairs--just as he opens the door--and  pray that I fool him into thinking (as i have a load of laundry in my arms, hello?) that i have been efficient all day long!! Fhewww.



Which reminds me, have i ever told you how very disciplined I am? Oh, i haven't? Hmmmm.

Maybe some day.

Wait, why did I even start this?

 i know i came downstairs for something....but what was it?


...........uh.......

............maybe.......

.....was it?.........

.......................

Ooooh, look at the birds outside.....

Fear...again.

Fear is so ugly. It is so gripping and i can feel it consuming me at this very moment as i type.  I have been reading about the massive tornado that tore through Oklahoma and it literally makes my insides quiver.  It makes my heart speed up and it makes my feet feel like running. Running to school to go pick up my girls and holding them tightly.

Fear is no friend of mine.

But it is with me always.

I can remember the exact moment where fear became new to me.

It was the Fall of 2004, I was newly married and Jeromy and I were up in Duluth, at Gooseberry falls, and we were walking by the river and we got to a place where we had to jump from a one rock to another to get across. Nothing i couldn't do. Nothing i hadn't done before.

Ya see, it is a moment i remember very vividly.  Because something inside me had changed. I felt weaker. More vulnerable.

I was freshly pregnant.

I specifically remember putting my hand on my stomach and thinking, There is no way i can jump! What if i miss the rock? What if theres algi on the rock and i slip?! What if I fall and  i can't protect my baby!?!

Suddenly life was altered. That very moment. A fear i had never known crept in.

And it has slowly spread throughout my life as i have had more babies and my love grew even deeper---that fear has intensified.

I remember when i had Ruby, i felt like no other mother could hold my baby properly.  Lord, please don't let them drop her!!  That honestly was a huge fear of mine. Like a seasoned mother was going to drop a baby? Come on.

I remember an instance where my cousin came to visit and was wearing high heels and I handed Ruby to her. My wind raced as i panicked that her high heel might spontaneously break and she would fall--dropping my baby girl!

It seems silly as i look back, but it was a real fear.

There was the first rain storm that Jeromy played ball in and as we drove home--all the way up 65 to East Bethel--i literally prayed aloud as I drove us home with almost zero visibility....

...certain of impending doom.

I remember that storm as if it were yesterday.

Because a new piece of fear was inside me. I suddenly hated the rain. Hated the unknown power of the fierce wind, twisting and blowing.

I still hate it now.

I remember playing co-ed ball after i became a mother.  As a short stop on a team with men, it never fazed me---until i became someones mother.

Suddenly i thought it ludicrous to be standing there, ready to take a 300 mph ball to the glove..face..shin...body...heart!

And as my kids have entered school the fear has grown.  Don't get me wrong, i work very hard to control it. But it can be consuming. And that fear has stretched--not only for my kids--but for my friends as well.

Oh my gosh, the thought of my friends daughter almost getting hit by a car on the way to the bus....that broke me.  I had to recover from just hearing the story.

Children are so precious. So innocent. So lovable. So in need of protection.

I feel it creeping in again....

this disgusting fear.

And it scares me.

I know as a Christian that God is in control.  I know this.

But as a mother, i can't contain my love. I know i can't control all situations involving my little babies. But i want to put them under my wing and keep them there--forever.

I hate natural disasters as much as i hate the idea of someone opening fire at a school.

It makes me feel as if my heart may just stop beating. How can i protect everyone? 

That thought goes through my mind too much.

I asked Jeromy last year, after many tornadoes were reported around the country, if he could make some sort of harness thing that is hammered into the concrete under the stairs in the basement, for each one of us, to ensure that none of my kids are ever ripped from my arms in a storm.

It was like a light bulb went off and i felt desperate to make it happen.

Though it hasn't. Because i suppose its bordering on lunacy.

I guess i just am writing this because i am afraid. I am sad for Oklahoma. I am fearful for the very real threat of Summer and its ugly mistress: Tornadoes.

I told Jeromy earlier, as Spring just wouldn't arrive and we kept having snow days and ugly weather, that "What if God is just going to freeze us out? What if that's how he takes us?"

And it was about 20% a joke and 80% a real fear.

These storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, earthquakes--they worry me.

Deeply.

Because i see our country going in the total opposite direction of God honoring. And i fear His wrath.

I see these things as a sign, i guess. (in a non weird way) It reminds me as i am filled with anxiety and fear that we need to continue to honor God. To love God. To love others. To make His name known. To shine a light in an awfully dark, dark world.

In a time consumed with "self" we need to think of others.

We don't need instant gratification. We don't need the news at our finger tips. We don't need to know what everyone is doing at every moment of every day.

We need to love our families. We need to do for others. We need to enjoy the "ordinary days"--the gifts from God.

Matthew 7:16 says "You will know them by their fruits"

I want to be known by my fruits, not my fears. I want to take my fear and let it spur me on, to be better, to love deeper, and to see every moment for the blessing that God has intended it.

That is my reminder in times like these, times where i can feel myself slipping...into a gentle panic.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 12:23)

We just need to hold on.