Lately i have been pondering a thought...the same thought i have been pondering for the past year and a half. A thought that i never--in my wildest dreams--would have thought i would ever be considering.
Homeschooling.
I can't shake the feeling that my kids would benefit from it. I would benefit from it. Our family would benefit from it.
Its not because i don't like my district. Well, i don't love the district, but i really do LOVE East Bethel Community School and all the teachers and staff there. Ruby has had some great teachers, and i have friends who work in the building all whom have made our experience there a good one. There has been great parties, dances, and get togethers. We have experienced a lot of really fun things. And i like it.
But then each day when i go to pick them up, or visit them at lunch or play with them at recess i fell a tiny pain in my heart. Like it hurts me a bit to see them away from me. Outside of my wing and away from my embrace.
As i ponder this decision i feel scared. Unsure. Nervous. Overwhelmed.
Anyone who knows me probably knows that this doesn't seem to be a good fit. I am not "that parent" who is perfectly organized with cubbies, dividers and chore charts. But i DO love my kids. And i DO feel like i had them so that i could spend time with them. I don't like being away from them 8 hours a day.
I know i can do this--if i choose it. It may be hard. It may be temporary, heck, they may go to prom with their Dad, but i don't want to NOT do it and regret it. I don't want to look back and think why did i think it would be so hard? They are only young once. And we have so much fun learning and experiencing life together.
I don't talk about this choice with many people, mostly because i don't want the criticism, or the warnings, or the doom and gloom of raising weird, unsocialized homeschoolers.
But we aren't weird, we aren't unsocialized. I mean, hello, have you met us?! Socialization is the furthest from our problems!! :)
Today as i picked up my beautiful girls i glanced up the carpool line and I saw a mess of glorious red hair shimmering in the sun and a protective sisters hand holding her back from running--out of turn-- to the car to meet me...and for a second, i didn't see a second grader and a kindergartner....
I saw my little babies....and it hurt.
They shouldn't be away from me, not all day, not yet.
Lately i have been surrounding myself with stories of hope, stories of endurance, and most of all stories of perseverance. Because that intrigues me. It encourages me. It teaches me. It reveals to me the power of the human spirit.
I've been on a quest recently. Sometimes consciously sometimes not. To be better. And to know what that truly means. To live every day of my life fully. I want to look back and think that i put in my all in life. Every day. Fully. I want to feel like i accomplished something.
I have always worried (and sometimes overworried) that when i got old, i was going to look back and think "What did you do all those years? Why didn't you try harder? Give life 100%?
And i think that has slowly been overtaking me. My Mom says i am turning into a "liberated woman now." And maybe she's right. But where i differ from a woman's libber is this--I still value family, and my children and put them first. I always will. I'm not off pursuing my dreams leaving my kids to fend for themselves while i sow all the oats that i should have sowed when i was 19 and single. No I am not that women's libber. I al moving forward and bringing my husband and children with me.
I look at my kids and i see that the world is their oyster. I want so desperately for them to know that. I want to them to live life so fully and with so much passion and so much joy that it feels a bit overwhelming.
My motto these days is "theres no obstacle that we can't overcome!!" I feel so passionately about that.
In an uncertain time in life. When we feel knocked down...all we have to do is stand up..
There are so many nah sayers in life. So many half empty glasses. So many poor me, its too hard, it hurts, i'm disabled, they did me wrong attitudes out there. And lately, especially, it bothers me.
Our generation bothers me.
For us, there have been many storms lately. Some self inflicted, many not. But through those storms, i have seen the sun.
I have seen rainbows.
I have seen the sunset.
And i have seen the sun rise.
And that is where my focus is. Not on the negative, not on the obstacles, not on the impossible. But on the passion, the possibilities, the strength.
I have gone into long winded rants about my new found path and strength. Often times my husband just looks at me, bewildered, as i tell him that i am on moving up in life. I am moving forward, and if people aren't with me? Well, then they're against me. Of course.
Every now and then when he asks me about his work pants and if they are clean or dirty. I hastily say "you don't own me girlfriend (snap, snap, and one more dramatic snap)!!" And then i quickly run down to the dryer and pull them out. I want to serve. But sometimes i feel like i want to remind him of that...
He just rolls his eyes. And is as confused as normal.
I feel powerful these days. In a time where we could and possibly should be broken. I feel strong.
When social injustices used to drive me mad. Now, when i am facing trials and somone is playing a game and trying to bait me--you know what i do?
I keep walking forward. Case i ain't got time for the negativity. (it actually pained me to type "ain't" and i want to apologize for that.)
Cause this girl is on fire, and I'm blazin the trail folks.
There are so many people who have real problems, face real dilemmas and that is where my heart breaks. When i hear people complaining about their past, how someone "done them wrong." I just don't care anymore. I am tired of the crying. I am tired of the tears people cry for themselves when there are real people who are out there facing real problems and overcoming real difficulties. When a beautiful young Mother of two adorably precious daughters, just freshly 30, is battling cancer and carrying her head higher than anyone else. Has joy in her heart. Strength in her eyes. And a joke on her lips. All the while a tore up knee, chemotherapy and constant sickness?! Uh, yeah--that's real strength.. That's how God intended us to be. I know God looks down on her and is overcome with pride. She--is what the human race could learn from. Those are the beautiful souls who are truly fighting, and persevering, and strong. The ones who get knocked down but find a way to get up. Who get hurt, but recover. Who are in need, but press on. Who God made us to be.
Strong.
When we run so hard and so fast through the battlefields of life that we get tangles in the barbed wire. Even though we feel broken. Heavy laden. Tore apart. If we press on, endure, persevere--someone may just come along and cuts us free. And instead of focusing on the reason we became entangled, we ought to focus on who saved us! Who gave us life. A second chance. Strength to move forward.
In a book i read recently about a POW, who had endured months and month of torture by a particular guard who wanted to break him. To dehumanize him. To take away his dignity. One day--after hours and hours of strenuous labor, with a broken foot and after years of starvation and dwindled strength--that guard demanded that the POW pick up a 6 foot long plank of wood and hold it over his head. If he faltered, he endured more torture at the hands of another guard. As the guard sat there, sneering, at the inmate who would likely fail. But instead, something lit up inside that inmate. Suddenly just before he lost consciousness, he felt that fire inside, telling him "You will not break me!" And he stared back at the guard never wavering, not giving him the pleasure of taking one more things from him. He persevered. Beyond what he thought he was capable of. It was amazing.
That imagery has been stuck in my head this week. Can we hold a plank over our heads, even after we are weary and sure of failure?
Yes. We can. And not only that, but we can succeed.
I believe we are capable of so much more than we know. Don't give up.
If you've fallen in life-- Get. Back.Up.
So today, as i ran on the treadmill, i felt strong. I felt the warmth of a fire heating up inside of me.
Because-- you will not break me today, world. Not today. 'Cause this girl is on FIRE!!!
I often have conversations about television or movies. And i often run into folks who don't really have time for them or care to "rot their brains". And that's fine, i guess. But i just don't agree.
So often i long for a television show to be new, or to be on, or to be created. I love to laugh, gasp, jump, tense up, cry--pretend i'm not crying--, feel anger, sorrow, joy, all the possible human emotions i possibly can.
I love the movies.
I love TV.
And I'm not afraid to say it. In fact, i feel sorry for you suckers who think you're too good for it. Truly. Theres so much you are missing.
Theres something so very beautiful about becoming engulfed in a plot. To be so invested that you don't even realize-- until the main character finally breaks--that you are breaking right along side of them.
How can you not love it?
Honestly, i dare someone to say one thing they do that is better than TV. (and you can't say "read the Bible"--that doesn't count ;) )
And be careful, your answer is going to come under lots of criticism from my TV loving friends.(well, probably not. But i might fight you on it.)
I heard an interview from Judd Apatow (very popular and famous writer and director of some inappropriate movies--funny--but often vulgar.)
I have really enjoyed what i have heard about him. How he wasn't the coolest kid. How he tried to be a stand up comedian, but found he was better at writing the stuff than actually preforming it.
He talked about how when he was a kid, no matter how bad his day was, when he came home he'd get a tv dinner, warm it up, put it on a tv tray in front of the television and turn on a particular show--and no matter how bad his day, he could always escape and find humor, laughter, joy in that episode. It was an escape from reality. A break from the pressures, the unmet expectations, and the stress.
That stuck with me.
In fact, i agree completely with it. What a gift it is to be able to watch television. To escape for just a brief moment. To just be.
Movies. Television.
How i love thee.
Just think about the few times that a movie moved you. That it stuck with you. That it changed you. That it broke you. That it lifted you up. That it reminded you that life isn't as bad as it may seem some days. That no matter what happens in real life, a moment away, can sometimes calm a storm, can turn the tide, can redirect your priorities--your purpose.
Lets reminisce, shall we?
Remember when:
Ferris jumped on that trampoline and flew over the yard? How the music played and the motion went slow. We rooted for him to beat Mr. Rooney to his door. We waited, our breath held, as he nearly escaped the principal.
or when Allie finally turned to Noah and recognized that it was he, her one and only true love- in 'The Notebook'? Remember how it just hit you int he gut. Guhh, we cried like babies. Babies i tell you!!? (Oh, don't even pretend you didn't)
When Doc holiday, Wyatt Erp and his brothers walked into that back alley for a gun fight. Remember when the camera panned to each character as they nervously waited, triggers ready, sweaty brow, and nervousness in the air? And then it stopped on Doc and all he had to do was wink--that mischievous little wink--to set the guns a blazin.
Or when Denzel Washington hears the words "Kresey bear" over the phone--in Man on fire. My breath caught in my throat.
Or how about when stinkin Orlando Bloom landed an arrow directly in Brad Pitts Achilles tendon--stopping him in his tracks just as he finally returned to his true love in the movie Troy. Didn't it make us all feel wounded.
When Liam Neeson says "i have a particular set of skills..." across the phone to his daughters abductor, even we, suddenly, felt safe.
How could we forget when Rudy finally got into the game, its like we all succeeded.
Or when Maria twirled across the hills of Germany belting out that the hills were alive, with the sound of music, we all smiled right along with her.
Or when Bruce Willis turned out to be the "dead people" that Haley Joel Osmond saw--come on, like, no one called that one.
Lets not forget when Forrest Gump finally gets to Jenny's house and after meeting Jenny's son- Forrest asks, with that Forrest naivety we had all come to love, "He's got a daddy named Forrest, too?"
How about when Johnny Castle told us that "nobody puts baby in a corner". Every woman swooned and hoped that some day someone would say that to us.
Or when Kevin Bacon fought for the right to dance, we all fought along side him. We were invested. We didn't even know we cared--until they took it away! Suddenly we just had to dance.
What about when Billy Elliot felt so angry that he could do nothing but dance--and dance he did. Slowly we all felt better, just watching.
When Tom Curise told Nicole Kidman that "Joooseph loves Shaaannon and that's ohlll that really mattahs" in his Irish accent -I silently wished to be them in Far and Away.
Or when Ed Harris takes Radio under his wing, who didn't root for the coach with quiet pride, hopeful that someday we, too, would do that to someone in need.
I don't think there is a single American who can hear Eye of the Tiger play--without envisioning one of the many-- famous-- Rocky training scenes. "Adriannnnnn!"
Do any of you remember when that little girl from Crash ran to protect her Dad from a raging gun man? Remember how she jumped into his arms with her "magical cape" to protect him-- just as the bad guy pulled the trigger---my heart literally broke.
Come on, when "Frank the Tank" went streaking through the quad--we were all excited to join him.
Or when Ben Affleck calls up his girl after he makes his final heist in 'The Town', only to have to leave her. Guh. (fist in air) Whyyyyyyyy?
And lets not forget when Mel Gibson yells out "Freedom!!!" in Braveheart-- sometimes I think its me he's fighting for.
We all relate to different roles, different eras, different parts, different pasts, different problems, different situations, different joys and different pains.
Its that escape from reality--if only for a brief moment-- that makes it all worth it.
To be totally immersed in a character and to put so much hope into an outcome. It can be consuming. Its can be exhausting. It can catch you by surprise.
And it is so beautiful.
We root for the underdog, whether its the strength of a young colt, the perseverance of an athlete, the leadership of a Gladiator, the strength of a warrior, the innocence of a child, the love of a mother, the heartache of a prisoner, the pain of the injured, the regret of the guilty, the power of a woman, the love of a man, or the bond of a family.
Movies move us. They take us away.
So to say that television is a waste? Or Movies are too long?
To that, i say " Good day sir." Oh, you didn't hear me? "I SAID GOOD DAY!"
So, Enjoy. Engage. Lose yourself. Invest. Be captivated. And just watch....
Because there's just something special there. There always is, sometimes we just have to find it....
