Horror

Yesterday was unspeakable. Unimaginable. Evil.

I have no words to describe the pain i feel for the families who lost their innocent and precious children yesterday.

My brain truly can not fathom how anyone could do this.

I knew nothing of the events yesterday. I felt in the weeds because i was running behind on preparations for dinner with friends at out house.  At around 12:30 my friend called me and said "Did you hear the news?" In a terribly somber voice.  I said "no." And she proceeded to tell me that "there was a shooting at a school, kindergarten through 4th grade..."

And i tell you, what i heard was "there's been a shooting at East Bethel Elementary School..."  Her kids go there and so do mine.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling that overtook my body. My lungs began to fill with fire and my stomach hurt. It was a pain so intense.Visceral. My hands started to shake as i, truly, thought this was happening at my school.

For a moment--my world stood still.

"turn on the news." she said.

I turned off Arthur and watched channel 4 in horror. Horror. After only a few minutes i turned the TV off and told Junior to get his shoes on. We were going to get my girls.  I needed a moment alone to compose myself as i felt like this journey went from being one i was going to experience to absorbing all the pain and sorrow that i now felt for families who lost their babies. Kindergartners.

Perfect, sweet, innocent and vulnerable. I pictured Laney's adorable class as i drove.  Envisioned our principle and our teachers. It was horrific.

As i walked into the office the principle was quietly talking to the secretaries. I waited for her to leave. Assuming she was talking about the days events.

And then i said "I am here to pick up my kids early."  The secretary said okay.

And then she looked at me and gently said " They are safe here."

 I did everything in my power to keep my composure. I nodded and said, "i just need them home."

And she called for Ruby i was able to go get Laney as i knew she was getting ready for recess.  She was shocked and all the kids were happy. Laughing and talking. Waving and hugging me as i walked through the hall. They are all so innocent. So precious. My soul hurt as i tried to smile at those faces that i love.

As i walked out of the school the weight of the day hit me harder and i felt ill.  I needed my kids. Fear had entered my life. Along with a sorrow i never knew.

As a mother, I envision rushing to the scene of that school. Your life can go either way. You hang in the balance wondering if your child will come out, or if an officer will come to your side.

The sheer joy of seeing your child run from the school to your arms yesterday, a gift from God that breaks the heart.

And other families--went to bed with out a member of their family. A child no longer has his or her sibling. A mother with out a child. A family with a broken heart-forever.

We have experienced many evils in life.  Shootings, bombings, 9/11, terrorist attacks. But nothing has hurt my heart like yesterdays shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  A kindergarten class.

So as i mourned an prayed yesterday and today, i just feel guilty.  Someone is without their 5 year old- and today i am hugging mine. So far from the tragedy and yet i feel survivors guilt.

A child should never die. But in cold blood. It sickens my soul and tears at my heart.

As i woke up the reality hit me again. That this really happened. And how thankful I am to have my children safe at home with me.  But how much i hurt for those families.

All we can do is pray. I don't even have the words to pray, but we must.

Yesterday I prayed against the evil and the hate in this world. I prayed for the first time ever, that God just comes back to earth to take us all to heaven where we can live together forever. Without any pain. Without any children dying.

Heaven. That was my prayer.

I shut down the computer and kept the tv off all of yesterday. I couldn't see any news, didn't want to hear any more stories.  Because the three minutes that i did see- some of those comments are ones that i wish i could forget. You can't unsee things. And we can't un hear it. We can't unread stories. So i choose to pray. The facts are horrific and we know that those families, those survivors, those injured, those parents, kids, teachers and friends--need prayer. And that is all that i can offer.

We can pray. And God can heal.

 I don't know how, but he has to.

Carry on.

The Holidays usually bring about many emotions. And i used to have sheer joy when i thought about Christmas. Or almost anything.

And I think i still do, for the most part.

But every once in a while we can get a little bug in our behinds that makes us feel sorry for ourselves for this reason or that.

And some times its justified.

Because life is hard.

But i also believe that we can pull ourselves out of it too. By focusing on what we DO have.

The other night as i was driving in the car, my newest favorite song came on. Its more of an anthem than a song. And it reminded me of all that is right in the world. And even what isn't right--Doesn't have to control me.  Bad relationships don't control me. Bad people don't have the power to hurt me. Brokenness doesn't have to overtake us.

Unless we let it.

For all that is wrong. I have something even better and more powerful that is right.

I have my Mom and Dad. And i have a brother like no other to have ever walked this planet.  So for all the broken relationships that i have that i feel aren't fair or have hurt me, or my husband, or my children. I always remind myself of the good people.

And i wouldn't take one thing on this earth if it meant that i didn't have those three in my corner.

And that reminds me to be so very grateful for what i do have. Because the love of those people in my life, is greater than any other love i can (tangibly) receive.

When i think of the people who have hurt "my people" it boils my blood.  I think of family. Friends. Co workers.(coworkers? I don't even work) Anyone who crosses those three people, crosses me as well.  And not that i will dwell on the hand that they have been dealt or the unfairness they have received. I will say this. We're a team. You hurt my people, you hurt me.  (That sounds a bit too Godfathery--doesn't it?)

Back to my anthem for life.

I felt sadness the other day, for a brief moment. Until I envisioned my beautiful friend Gwendolyn. And I thought of her in pain. I saw it. And it hurt my insides. To see her hurt for a loss in her life. Physically pained me as well.

I will never comprehend the life she has lead having lost her mother at such a young age. But i can be a friend to her. I want to. I need to.  I want to make it all better and take away her pain. But i can't.  So i will have to walk along beside her. (i'm with ya sister!)

Whenever we think we are hurting, we need to look around us and see other peoples needs and other peoples hurts. And we need to love them. And forget ourselves. Cause God has given us life and many blessings. And we can't ignore them.

Love someone today.

And carry on....

Girl power

Beyonce said it best when she sang "Boy you know you love it, how we're smart enough to make these millions. Strong enough to bare the children--then get back to business."

I lOVE that song. 

And i totally love being a girl. Cause girls rock!

I often think about the life of a man and then the life of a woman once they get married.

The men, they continue to work.

The women, usually work too--but also have to start making dinner. And cleaning the bathroom. And doing the dishes. And washing and drying and folding and putting away laundry. And doing the grocery shopping. And vacuuming. And scrubbing the floors.And then they usually give birth. And stay up all night. And clean up vomit. And wipe butts. And pack lunches... And, and, and.....

Is it just me, or does that seem somehow skewed?  

I for one, was not a natural born organizer, or dish do-er, or clothes folder, or bathroom cleaner. I wasn't even predisposed for it. I was the youngest child.. That basically equates to a bit spoiled. All i remember is eating my bowl of ice cream at night in the living room and then it disappeared. I don't know who put it away, but i am pretty positive it wasn't me.  (I can assume with about 100% certainty that in a house full of boys--it was the woman (Mom) who had to clean it up)

Sorry bout that Mom.

As i think about it (which i do often) I think about how amazing women are. I mean, we have babies!!  That's huge.  And we usually don't even complain about it.  That's even huger.

We just change with the seasons and step up to each new role placed before us. No bigs.

I happened to watch Dancing with the Stars last night and that cute little gymnast Shawn Johnson was doin her thing. And since it was the finals, she had guest back up dancers...the fab five, from the Olympics!  I love that. Girl power, i say--Girl Power! I love how we come together to support one another. (what i am trying to say is if one of you happen to make it on dancing with the Stars, Yes--i will be your back up dancer!)

The other day i was at Northtown (i know, i know. Puke) shopping at Vanity for boots with my girl, Angie. (Having a fabulous 1 hour girls get away) and i had one grey boot on my right foot and one brown boot on my left. There was this snarky girl, on the phone in front of the only mirror that i could use so i asked her (quietly- I didn't want to disturb that phone call) if i could just sneak in for a second? And she moved over a few feet and continued with her phone call.  And as i was looking back and forth at my feet, she pulled the phone away from her lips for a brief second and said "The brown ones!" And then went back to her phone. I love that. I love girls. We rule.  I nodded in agreeal and proceeded to get the brown ones.

Girls. We are a team. Always.

I like to think about my list of friends (and yes, it is a long list-thank you very much) and think about the different personalities and strengths of each one.

 There's the one who always has great advice.
The one who always has advice...its just not great.
The funny one. 
The strong one.
The tough one.
The faithful one.
The sad one.
The one you admire.
The one you want to learn from.
The one you remind yourself not to be like.
The chatty one.
The kind one.
The one who loves TV as much as you do.
The one who you like to eat with. (because they would rather just skip dinner and eat cupcakes too)
The maternal one.
The childish one.
The simplifier.
The "messier than you" one.
The healthy eater
The coffee drinker
The McDonalds frequenter
The coop frequenter
The ones who- if you are going to get into a fight--you want by your side.
The crazy ones that you never want to cross.
And the loyal one.

Anyways...you get my point. There are so many levels of girlhood. And i think we are the strongest things around. Mentally, socially, relationally, emotionally.

We are super heroes. You--are a superhero.


The older i get the more I appreciate my girlfriends. Even the crazy ones...or wait, am I the crazy one?

Okay, thanks alot. I don't like your tone there. I just told you how much i appreciate you and now you're calling me crazy...Thats it, where's my crazy going to war girlfriend? I need her.

See, a friend for every situation. How handy.

I want to embrace my peeps today! I am so thankful to be a girl and have the pleasure of having some rockin awesome girlfriends.  Without them, i would be nothing.

I mean, can you imagine how many looong blogs i would have if i didn't have my girls to talk to every day? How would i get my words in? HOW!?

Pheww, thank you for being a friend. You saved me. Well, Jesus did. But you guys--you are good.

This song goes out to all my girls. Even if your days highlight is only to fold clothes. Do it with style!! Tilt your head up and to the rights then pout your lips-now slowly bob your head up and down and OWN that laundry!!

Because who runs the world??   

GIRLS!!!