Be joyful, for Pete's sake!

Since i feel like life is all sunshine and daisys right now, i though i would put it in writing.  Because who knows when it will all change?

Today is good.  I feel joyful. I love my kids. I love the weather. I love the change of the season. I love the thought of new life just around the corner. (not for me...the earth) I am anticipating the cool crisp air of Spring.  The first sign of growth peeking out from beneath the cold earth (and then quickly being eaten by my chickens, i imagine)

It could just be the day. It could be my hormones (lets be honest) or it could be that i just read the letter from the editor and chief in Midwest living and that always cheers me up.

Spring is almost here. 

Forget the decisions that are looming over my head. Forget all the what if's.  Today is beautiful. God is great. And we are healthy.  That is reason to celebrate.

I believe that Minnesotans are especially appreciative of Spring. A time of possibilities.  The sun seems to shine brighter here. (on the rare occasion that it decides to show its face)

Today i want to forget my troubles. I want to embrace the now. 

Now:

1.) Ruby is safe at school. She is not on drugs and she does not hang with a bad crowd.

2.) Laney is not in Kindergarten. She is home with me. I am going to enjoy it.

3.) We might not have the best dinner possibilities, but we have choices. We can eat.

Today i want to choose joy. Because we can do that, ya know. We can choose. So many of us like to let life happen to us, but i truly believe that we can put a spin on it. Even the negative can be viewed through joyful, thankful and positive eyes.

So choose joy today.  It really is better.

(now, check with me tomorrow....i may have changed my tune)

decisions.

This is tough.  I am having a super hard time this week.  For one reason in particular (and a whole bunch of other stuff)

If anyone knows me, they know that i am okay with being micromanaged and i have a very hard time making decisions...especially hard ones. Especially big ones. Especially ones that effect my kids world.

Well, here i sit anticipating Laneys journey into Kindergarten.  I was sick a few days ago and a friend of mine called. She was excited because she had planned on putting her daughter into the all day every day kindergarten in our district, but was concerned about the expensive cost to do so.  I was just anticipating, with bated breath, the half days that i was going to have to be away from my Laney.  Well, she called me with excitement to tell me that there had been a change in the district and that now the kids were all going to be going to all day, every day kindergarten.  I am so happy for her, that she doesn't have to pay now and that it will work so much better with her schedule.  I know her daughter will  do great and thats awesome! 

Buuut.  Now i can't breath.  The thought of my tiny, little baby girl, Laney being away from me all day is killing me. And i mean killing me.  It is all consuming and i am afraid of it.  The thought of two kids being gone from me for 8 hours, hurts.  I physically hurt about this. Hurt.

Its just too soon. They are just too small. I want to freeze time. Or better yet, run. Run far, far away.

Then a few days later i got an email from PACT Charter school letting me know that Laney's name was drawn in the lottery and that she was accepted, if we agreed. The moment i got that email i felt sick.  What? PACT Charter school. Now?  Already?  I don't know what to do.  I know that i want them there. I know that it is good. I know that when i filled out the application two years ago that i was unsure but that i prayed that God would guide us through this and that if we got drawn that it would be meant to be.  But now i have to decide. 

Because ya see, i have come to realize that i have a difficult time deciphering what is Gods timing and what is my decision.  I have concluded that unless he comes to me through a burning bush and yells at me...well, then i'm just not sure what to do.  And its not that i just don't know what to do.  Its that i spend 24 hours in that day weighing the decision and praying and pleading and thinking and hurting and wondering WHAT TO DO?  Please, just tell me what to do!

So that leaves Ruby.  My precious angel who has slipped through the cracks. I feel like she has gotten the short end of the stick ever since she entered school and now if she gets in to PACT i have to make the decision to pull her from her friends and her comfort zone to move to a whole other school. I know kids are resilient. I have heard it a thousand times. But i still don't want to have to make my child have to be.

I want a guarantee that this is the right choice. I want God's stamp of approval.  I know i don't care what i have to go through, but i can't stand the thought of my kids being unhappy or hurt. And ultimately by my decision.

So today i wake up, and i hurt. My head hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts. 

How will i know?  What should i do?

The house that built me.

Today i went over to my parents around 8:30.  Jeromy is helping a friend with their garage door so, when in doubt-I head to my parents house:)

I got there and went inside where they were finishing up their pancake breakfast gathered around the table. My brother was their with his son and my kids were eating too.

As we sat at the table (which we always do). My mom got me a cup of delicious coffee and offered me some food.  We sat and talked about the night before and i told her about what i had done and she told me about what they had done.  I talked about a movie i had seen and thought they should see it too. Nothing too important, and yet so very perfect.

My Mom was leaving to get her hair cut and i was going to round up the kids since we had been chatting for about an hour and a half and i had work to get done at home. 

But after she left i had told my Dad about a table i was determined to construct by myself and drew out my ideas of what i was thinking.  Then he drew his ideas of how it could be better and we talked and constructed it in or heads.  I had mentioned that i just didn't have the tools since Jeromy keeps them all in his work truck and whenever i want to do the work, he is gone. 

My Dad headed downstairs as i started to clean up the dishes.  I filled the sink and loaded the dishwasher and just killed time.  I never like leaving my parents house because it is just so perfect there.  I love it.  I try to drink in every memory that i make there and remember the sounds and the laughter and the fun that we always have.

Well, wouldn't you know that my super hero Dad had gotten some of his older tools together and was trying to make a few changes so they would be easier for me to handle.  I went downstairs to his office and sat with him as he tried to change out a trigger for the saws all that he was giving me. 

A few minutes turned in to a half an hour and a few ideas turned into action.  Together in the garage we (he) envisioned the best way to make the base of this table and tried to prepare me for it, but in the end just thought we should do it together (more like he did it).  We walked down the hill on the old wooden steps to the back garage where he had some wood for me to choose from.  There was a fantastic bird chirping over head that i was trying to find as we gingerly walked across the ice that had formed on a few wet spots on the path. 

That's when it hit me. This house. This man. That woman. Those are the people who shaped me and made me who i am today. They are the reason that i feel joy. If there is anything good in me, it is because of them.   I feel like a part of my heart will always remain at that house.

 After we pulled out the 2 x 4 and measured the posts we headed back to the garage to get to work. I commented on the bird and we looked and found a beautiful red headed woodpecker pecking away at the trees.  Its like pretend at that house.  Like even the birds know they are at a magical place.

As i stood in the garage watching my Dad work, i was amazed at how talented he was. Not that i didn't already know it, but i love to watch him work.  He is the smartest and most wonderful Dad a girl could ask for.  He told me his plans and i tried to help as we constructed this base for my table.  Whenever i had the job of just holding a board while he found a new bit or switched saws i just looked around that garage and smiled.  My parents do things right. They work hard. The do for others. They give. They care. They conserve. And they love.  That garage makes me happy.  Seeing the many different tools hanging was so fun. There are endless things to discover at their house. 

Back to holding the wood.  I tried my best to help my Dad., make him proud. Like i had as a kid when he would cut all our hair and the boys would wiggle so much and get into trouble. I would sit as still as possible, just to make them happy with me. I always hoped he would notice. Just like in that garage. I held that wood as sturdy as i could and tried to jump at his commands. (as if i knew what i was doing)

My parents are perfect. Every child has different memories of their childhood and i have said it before and i will say it again.  I had the perfect childhood.  My parents just worked.  My Dad was the perfect man, like my Mother was the perfect woman.

It sure is hard to measure up to, but wonderful to treasure.  Nothing will match the sound of a beater mixing cream in the kitchen or the sound of a skill saw sawing wood in the garage. Those sounds make my heart sing. They make me happy.  They remind me of my childhood.  And they remind me of the overwhelming love that i have for my parents.

So, as you can imagine, even if i screw that table up and make it looks terrible...I'm gonna keep it and treasure it-because i built it with my Dad.

One of my favorite memories that took place at their house....MY WEDDING!!

Another favorite memory-Fishing with my Dad

Definite top 5 favorite things-Shooting clay pigeons in the back yard.

We don't practice for no reason-The best deer hunting story ever told!

 And another favorite-Time spent together at the house. (notice where that deer ended up!)

Can't forget Grandma and Grandpa on Halloween.

These memories are priceless. My parents are priceless. This is the house that built me...and is now building my kids.