Give more

More and more, as i get older, i realize the importance of giving.  I feel like it has always been something that i have deemed important, but even more now than ever.

What better time to give than Christmas?   I have heard many sermons about giving and even more about how we "over give" on Christmas and how the true meaning of it gets lost in all the hubbub.

But, ya know what?  I don't agree with that. We should be celebrating each other and showing Christ's love all year long. And if giving gets especially emphasized during Christmas, well, that's even better. 

One very generous gift that we all have received, one of the very first acts of giving, was from God.  He sent his son to this earth to be born in a manger and to give his life so that, through him, we could spend eternity in heaven.

That's a pretty big deal. Definitely one worth celebrating!  I love this time of year. I love the feeling of joy. I love the smiles on peoples faces. I love the special moments spent together.  And i love to give.

Yes, black Friday is craziness.  But if we look deeper into that, its crazy because people are tyring to get the right gift for someone that they love, to show them they care. I know there is a hand full of people that are only out there for the steal of a deal on a flatscreen tv for their home to add to their overabundance of
"stuff".  But that is a small amount.  And not one i am going to get hung up on "hating" for their greediness.

For me its not about the perfect present for each and every one that i know. But it is about giving something, to show them that i love them and that they are valuable in my life.  A "thank you" for being a friend, sister, brother, mother, or father. A "thank you" just for being you. A small token or gesture to remind someone that they are important to me.  Its my way of showing Christ's love through a smile or a thought or a gift.

I love this time of year.  Yes its hard.. Especially for me, i just am NOT organized enough. But i don't want that to hinder me.  Its not about expensive gifts, because we don't have the funds.  Its about a cookie cooked with care. A present wrapped with joy.  A gift given with a smile. And a life lived in love.

Don't go against the grain and buy less for others this year.  Giving is exactly what we need to do. Now more than ever. To show people we still care.  We don't just remember Christmas because facebook reminded us in the morning.  We remember because we were given the ultimate gift.  We received life through a beautiful baby born in a manger.

Isaiah 9:6 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is give, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

This is hard.

I have realized that my life has begun to emulate the "i'll diet tomorrow" sentence that we all say.  I swear to you, everyday of my life for the past 6 years i have said, Tomorrow, i will totally tackle Rubys room. Tomorrow, i will clean out my fridge amazingly.  Tomorrow, i will eat less treats. (who am i kidding, less DQ) Tomorrow, i will get a hold of my life and be on top of everything like a perfect mother and wife.  Tomorrow, i will be better at life. 

I am sick of feeling like i have to be better tomorrow. I want to be better now. I want to clean my kitchen fluidly and effortlessly. I want to teach my kids manners with out yelling at them. I want to have a bedtime/teeth brushing session that didn't make me want to pull my hair out.  I want to do better. i just want to do better.

I feel like i have been in the weeds for most of my married life.  Of course, i blame this on my birth order. I mean, people always picked up my dishes for me. i was the baby.  The baby.  And i think i am naturally unorganized and lazy.  Lazy.  I feel like i spin my wheels( and feel exhausted by it) all day and get nothing done. Everything that i start gets interrupted.  Every time i have good intentions to tackle something that i don't want to...i don't.  

I start the day with dishes. I let my kids eat breakfast at the coffee table while they watchCurious George, just so i could have a minute alone at the kitchen table to think, breath, anything. Just be alone. For one sweet second, be alone.

I am realistic enough to just say to myself, when i am feeling overwhelmed and down, "just do it."  Just deep clean your room for pete's sake.  "Just do it.  Do it. Do it!"

And yet, as i sort my magazines, i see something that captures my attention, and i just have to sit down and read that article or copy that recipe. I mean, if i don't i might miss my opportunity, right? ... Right?

I dream to be like Bre Vandicamp (Hodge) For those of you who don't know what i am talking about, You're the lucky few. Probably the better few.  Bre is Marcia Cross' character on Desperate Hosewives. She is type A (i wish) organized (not likely) tall and beautiful (hey, i am tall) the perfect housewife. And i love/hate her.

Sometimes i feel like i am just wasting away here. Doing dishes. Folding laundry. Answering questions. I mean, i know i wouldn't have it any other way.  I am doing all of this to be here with my kids and raise them and care for them with my own hands.  I am blessed (honestly) to be home every day.  I'm just not very good at it. 

Sometimes i feel like my brain is just turning to mush. I can't remember the things that i used to. I talk like a crazy person on speed. (lets just face it) and i can go from subject to subject like nobody's business.  I just may forget a few of the things that i'm talking about or get tongue tied and frustrated. And i always have to spell check just about every word i type. Seriously, is it motherhood, or my thirties?

Or both.

I realize that i set the bar high for mothers.  I mean in my head. I have a standard that i am trying to meet that i simply can't seem to do.  Its my mother. She was the perfect housewife. How do I do that?  She always tells me that as a child whenever she was cooking or doing something of value that i should have learned, I was always at a practice or game.  I was an athlete.  Just a high school one, but it runs deep.  I want to sweat. I need to compete.  But I don't. Because the sensible side of me always wins and reasons that i don't need to spend money (that we don't have) on a membership to a gym. I can just work out at home. Have you ever tried doing that with three busy kids?  Its not easy, and its definitely not relaxing.  And yet, the Hitler Mother inside of me reminds me that I am the Mom. I should basically always be here for my family. Physically here. At my house. Looking at the same four walls for 24 hours of my day. Again, i am truly blessed to be able to do this. But i think i take motherhood to the extreme where i hurt myself in the process. Now, not the Oprah kind of way. I don't need to care for myself and take care of me before i can take care of someone else. I just mean, i need to loosen my own reigns.  I can go out of the house sometime without my kids, right? Its not selfish, is it?  Ugh. I can't do it. One, we live too far away from anything to make it worth my time and two its takes money and gas to travel and that is so limited that its unbearable. I can't justify wasting any of it on my silly selfish things.

But that leaves me feeling trapped.  But then feeling guilty.  Its maybe not about leaving, but feeling like i am accomplishing something. Anything. I just want to be the best dish do-er in East Bethel. I want to have the answers for something instead of always asking for them. I want to be valuable too.

I almost wanted to type that i will do better tomorrow, but i have said that so many times that it frustrates me. Will i even try? Or am i too tired?

Too lazy.

Too unorganized.

Too crabby.

I don't know. I don't have my own answers. I know the things that are of value. I love God. I love my family. I am healthy and so are they. I am truly blessed, but sometimes i just feel like i want a little break from the pressure.

I want to do great things...i just can't figure out how.

Hell

A few things have been on my mind today and as i sat and folded laundry, they came together and bugged me enough to want to write about it.  First, we are so selfish in this world.  I say this not because anything was done to me, but because of what i see happening around me.  As i was driving and thinking today (apparently i do alot of that, eh?) I was thinking (more like dreaming) about Twilight. I am so stinking excited for it to come out in theatres that i am basically putting my head in the sand an refusing to even think about it.  I love it.  I am not saying its appropriate for others or something everyone should see, i just feel like i will be a lovestruck teen all my life!!  I mean, the though of sitting next to some 13 year old and hearing her say "I love Edward!" makes me want to scream. I honestly think i would lean over and argue that she doesn't actually love him, but that i do, in fact actually love him...i love him."

As i drove i thought about how the movies, and books and even our thoughts can make something out to be much more spectacular and amazing than it truly is.  The fact is, if Edward just happened to show up right now and wisk me away on a fairy tale adventure...it would hurt others.  We are obsessed with making ourselves feel good.  Its one thing to dream about a man (or vampire) but its another to up and leave your family for him.  And to be a mother and to leave...it infuriates me. I have no tolerance for it. None. There isn't an excuse big enough.

Another thing that started to irk me today was people's big opinions. The ones that don't really have anything to do with eternity.  I mean, to sit and have all these big opinions about animal rights??  Seriously, its laughable.  How can we worry about the "souls" of animals when we neglect the fact that we are not even on the path to righteousness?!?!  How?  I get angry when i see people waisting their time and energy on things that have no value when it comes to eternity. 

I am not saying that i think everyone should be perfect, or that i am even close to it. (obviously) And i am not saying that we shouldn't care for animals. (i mean, you know my crazy love for my chickens) I am saying focus on things from above.  

This life is passing. Fast.  And i cling to the verses in the Bible that teach about God's promises and God's commands.  How can we not?  I can not imagine my life with out Him.  If I had zero problems and millions of dollars i would be less full than i am now.  How can people focus on such petty things, such selfish things.   Affairs? Unfair treatment? Animal advocacy? Misspoken words?  Those are just the few that got me going today.  But obviously there are many more.

You know the old saying "life is short and then you die" Ya...thats the buggar of the truth...we die. But as christians, we take comfort in this.  Christ has promised us eternity in heaven.  But he makes it very clear that the road is long and narrow.  Its not this big ol road that we all are going to get to go down. We're not all just gonna make it into heaven.  Do people realize that??  I read my bible every day, i trust God 100%, i have a personal relationship with Christ, and i still feel fearful sometimes. Its not okay that i let myself do it, but i am human and i try to fight it.  I don't want to be afraid, but its the unknown and i am afraid of it. My tiny little human mind can't grasp heaven.  But i know i am going there.  If the Bible is true, which i believe it is. Then i will be in heaven someday. 

But the fear and the frustration that i feel is that not everyone else will.  People can call that judging, people can get defensive, people can say only God knows their hearts.  And i agree. Only God does, but thats the point.  If we look to the scriptures God makes it very clear in Matthew 7:21 "Not everyone who says to me , 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and preform many miracles?'  Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers."  That is HUGE.  Even the people who are proclaiming to know him are doing it in vain and do not have a relationship with Christ. That scares me. That means just because people are nice they aren't guaranteed heaven. Its not about being "nice" or "good".  Not all people go to heaven.  And yet i have never sat at a funeral and heard the preacher talk about the possibility of that particular person going to hell. People would freak if they heard that. Freak.  I suppose the pastor would be blamed. Now obviously i am not saying that i think anyone should do that, i am just thinking about the facts. Where are we going to spend eternity?  Just because we (or someone that we love) dies, doesn't necessarily mean they are going to heaven!  That is hugly scary.

I believe that if any one of us was faced with eternity tomorrow we would be living life differently.  Why?  Why aren't we doing it now?  Luke 16:19-31 basically talks about a rich man who had a beautiful life and a poor man named Lazarus, who was full of sores and a beggar. Both died on the same day except the rich man went to hell.  He begged the Lord, who he saw in heaven, to send Lazarus to give him a drop of cool water to his lips. He was in torment and agony.But he wouldn't.  He begged him to allow Lazarus to go back to earth, to the rich man's friends house where the rich man had 5 brothers. He wanted to warn them so that they would not come to that place of torment. Hell.  The Lord said No because they had Moses and the prophets to listen to. The rich man begged and pleaded that if someone were to come back from the dead, then they would surly listen.  God answered that if they wouldn't listen to Moses and the Prophets then they wouldn't be convinced, even if someone rose from the dead. 

That is huge.  Hell is real and alot of people will go there. It is sad. It is a consequence of sin.  Our job, as Christians, is to love others and teach them about the good news of Christ.  There is nothing on this earth worthy of our attentionmore than the Bible.  I know i sound extreme, but i am.  I take it really seriously.  I would rather have a buggar of a life on this earth and be a "beggar" (but get to spend eternity next to Jesus) than live a life full of riches and basically experience heaven on earth...cause thats all i'd get.  Earthly heaven. Not eternity in it.

So the people that bug me the most and the ones i have the least tolerance for?  Those are the ones that i need to love because even if it were my enemy, i would never wish hell on anyone. I need to press on and show them love even when they show none in return. 

I guess i want to encourage all of us.  This life isn't a joke. Its not about how much fun we can have or what makes us "feel" good. Its about eternity.  Today, tomorrow and always. Lets not lose sight of that. And lets set ourselves straight... if we need a little straightening  "For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (Matthew 7:13-14)

Lets get on that long narrow road together...