He is faithful

As many of you know, i turned 30 in July.  Let me tell you, leading up to it was hard.  And not just the "oh i just don't want to get old" (there was that too) but a whole lot more.  This past year was a crucial one for me.  I can honestly say that the last 8 months have been mentally hard. At the realization of another year come and gone, i kind of took everything I knew, know and think and totally overhauled it and re-evaluated ALOT of things.   I went into total panic mode.  Many of my close friends already know this, and of course my poor small group girls had no choice but to hear me go on and on about my fears and life questions. 

I don't know the exact day it happened, but i do remember it occurred shortly after i read the book 'Radical' and then got sick and was in bed throwing up and wanting to die (come on, we all want to when we are puking our guts out) i had finished that very heavy book and started reading a book by a Missionary from our church that had lost his daughter and that was the day my mind took a turn for the worst and didn't look back for almost a year.  I contemplated and questioned the how's and the why's of life and so many things. Let me clarify this though. i was not floundering in my faith, just needing to get a deeper understanding for a few questions i had. Never floundering, just very fearful.  For months i contemplated my life here on earth and in heaven. And that confused me. I got alot of  pat answers but i really wanted to know, truly know what was to come. But who would have those answers, but God?  Everyone tried to comfort, but i couldn't really put my fears in to words, i just felt this deep confusing, frustrating heaviness inside. Deep inside.  My dear friend Karee, got alot of my questions unloaded onto her.  I was sinking and i didn't even know how to describe it. Its not like it effected my daily routine of love for anybody, but my mind. Oh, it effected my mind.  The moment we talked about spiritual things(which i love doing) i would just feel fear grip me.  I don't know if the thought of turning 30  made me think of all the other mile stones in life that i would one day achieve. But that put me on a one way ticket to death and i didn't want to think about it, and yet i couldn't stop.  Not just death, but how it would happen and how my kids and husband and family would survive with out me and would i know them in heaven. That was my biggest fear. Was this going to be the end of my 'family' here on earth? Because if that is so, my human mind couldn' dream up anything enticing enough to make me want to leave them.  Nothing, not even streets of gold.

I am embarrassed to admit this.  But again, i was not floundering in faith, just digging deeper.  I talked to Jeromy about it alot and to friends.  But it wasn't until May (i think May) when Osama Bin Laden was killed that i really felt panic. I never felt at ease, i mean, i was picturing life like 'I am legend' and 'The Road' and if you haven't seen these movies just picture a lot of grey and solitude and protecting/preserving your own life.  It was NOT a great thought, but one i couldn't kick.

Jeromy (my freakishly tough and strong and unshakable husband) came home after work one day and just seemed distraught. I was doing laundry (shocker) and saw immediately that something was bugging him.  I asked what was wrong and he said he just couldn't shake this feeling.  We sat on the couches down stairs and talked.  He told me the fear he was feeling and just the concern for the possibility of end times and fear for us and being separated during it all.  Of course this hit me like a ton of bricks because i had been overwhelmed with the same thought for the past 8 months.  I have never experienced a moment like that.  It was a cloudy overcast day and we just sat talking and looking out the window and picturing this battle that we had created in our heads.  He said he could tolerate fighting alone and wouldn't be scared as long as he knew we (me and the kids) were all safe in heaven together.  It may sound like silly talk to some. And I obviously can not even put it into words, but its was a day that was overwhelmingly heavy.  We sat there talking, and praying and planning together. Planning, it was craziness.  I am not kidding, its like we walked through a battle field that day and survived. I played him a song that i had heard and to this day, it is a reminder of the presence of God and Gods hand on my journey.  I feel emotional and thankful every time i hear that it because, to me, it was a day that kept me from a very dark place. After that day, I was determined to dig so deep into revelations that i would find the truth. I wanted to know everything and i didn't want it to be fed to me, i wanted to discover and interpret it all alone.  So night after nights, Jeromy and i would be sitting across from each other in the silence reading Revelations.  I would say, "Have you read this chapter yet? You're NOT gonna want to!" We dissected and talked about and thought and prayed.  It was scary, but i felt like it was getting better.

It wasn't until we had dinner one night with my parents and two brothers at Chili's that, through all the arguing and disagreeing (that's just what happens when we all get together sometimes) that i quietly asked across to my Dad what he thought the end times were going to be like.  The only other person who had heard and was listening was Jeromy.  Everyone else was talking about other things across the table.  My Dad just answered for me, so beautifully and calmly and confidently what he interpreted Revelations to mean and mapped out the end times for us.  Though that night is probably remembered to everyone else as a night where we all left a little annoyed at each other.  I remember it for being the night that started my journey out of great fear and despair.  Now i mentioned earlier that i had talked to everyone about my fears, but the ones who didn't know about them were my parents.  So my Dad didn't even have the slightest clue as to what a monumental moment that was for me.  The tide had changed. And i was going to be alright. I clung tightly to what i believed and continued on my quest to learn and follow all that was laid out for me.  Over and over in Revelations it talks about God pouring out his judgement through plagues and again and again it says "but they refused to repent and glorify him." (Rev. 16:9) As i read that over and over i found it strikingly clear that as Christians living on this earth, that is what we are called to do. Its sounded so easy and yet so many of us want to chose otherwise. Repent and glorify him.  I loved it.  i mean, i knew it, but if i only had Revelations to go by, it is so clear as to what our calling is. That's all God asks of us. Glorify his name.

I was nervous to post this. First its really personal, but secondly I want to encourage, and in no way discourage anyone.  I went through a battle. As a (what i felt like) pretty strong Christian I had such a time of trial and searching. But when i finally did come through it (and believe me, there was times i thought this was never going to end)  It was life altering and so powerful.  I know God had his hand on me the whole way through it. Through tears, through sorrow, i now look back and see how He was making me stronger.  I have to believe it, because i feel it.

There are a handful of verses that were very pivotal in helping me turn the tide.  1 John 2:16 "God is love" That is beautiful and comforting and easy enough, but when paired with this, it was like God absolutely reminded me of my disobedient feelings that i had allowed to take over. 1 John 2:18 "There is no fear in Love"  I read that over and over. If God is love and there is no fear in love then what was i so darn afraid of?   I put my hope in him and i needed to believe this. 1 Peter 1:4 says "In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade-kept in heaven for you..."  I knew this, but when i read this verse after it, it had a profound impact on me. Not that i didn't already know this, but when you are in the water sinking and someone throws you a life preserver, you remember. And you are thankful.  I don't even know if i had ever read this verse, but when i read it that day, my heart healed and soul sored. This is the verse that is applicable in every situation and every day that we are blessed enough to go through. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL"   He is faithful! Over and over we read God's promises and i trusted and believed them, but to see and feel the depths of these words, has forever changed my life. He who promised is faithful.  That is so beautiful.  So comforting.

As much as we don't ever want to admit it, sometimes it feels like the words we read are so distant and for "other people". Like God is up there just taking care of everyone else and not really "real", palpable if you will.  But its time like that were i remind myself of the depths of that valley and i remember what it felt like to walk through it.  But i do know this, I wasn't doing it alone. God was with me.  It is palpable.

I wanted to share that.  Maybe just to get it out and finally acknowledge it to myself. Who knows.

I am 30, and its going to be a great year.

Embrace a slower pace

This past weekend was such a fun one.  I had the pleasure of watching my niece and nephew show a pig at the Kanabec County fair in Mora.. It has been a tradition I've had for years and its one that i truly LOVE and look forward to every July.  We get up early and hit the road so we can get there by 8:00am for the judging.  Now when you're at the Fair this early there aren't any rides, or games, or fried food stands to distract you. Theres just a special group of people.  Fair people. (not to be confused with carnival people;)  Moms and Dads, farmers and more farmers.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but its like time stands still where i am there.  Its the most beautiful and healthy place to be.  As i sit there beaming at my beautiful niece as she struts her stuff and guides her pig, I think to myself, these are MY kind of people.  Now i know they may have fancy iphones in their pockets or might text when no one is looking, but i like to imagine that they don't.  These kids are up early and working hard.  My niece and nephew and sister work so hard to prepare for this even each year and i am just in awe of it. 

,m

People don't put as much emphasis on hard work as they used to (i like to think hard is synonymous with healthy). Especially for kids. In case any of you don't know, i am a HUGE advocate of 4-H because i like what it teaches kids. And that is a lost art.  Kids get their hands dirty in 4-H, they contribute as part of the community.  Community.  That word is so foreign to so many people.  We are all so busy in our own little lives with our own little agendas, that we forget about our neighbor.  We just don't have time to stop and help a friend anymore.

Every year at the 4th of July i get a little extra patriotic and start to re-evaluate life and our choices and our priorities.  In fact it was this year around that time that i started listening to country music again.  I know alot of people don't like it, but i think that the roots of our country are in that music.  I love hearing about hard work, strong love, loyalty, and community.  Its what i think we are losing as a nation.  I know its a big statement, but when did i ever say i didn't make those? :) 

I can feel life pulling me into the grips of "busy" this Summer and i refuse to give in to it.  I will not be that Mom who is defined by her schedule.  In fact, i want to be defined by my lack of schedule. That doesn't mean that we'll watch tv and lay around all day. It means that we busy our hands outside and learn about taking care of animals and a garden and our yard.  But i want to emphasize this...i want to take care of my things, but by no means do i love them.  They are, after all, still just things.  I want to teach my kids to work hard and do their best, but not let those things that they are caring about define them.  I have said it before and i will say it until i die, life is about relationships.  I believe that 110% and i will never think otherwise.  If we don't have strong roots in our faith, our families, our friendships or our communities and churches, then what do we have?

I want my kids to be faithful, obedient, servants. That's why i get so passionate around the 4th. Its a time spent with my family. Its about building relationships without any distractions.  Its about slowing down. For Pete's sake people, slow down. If we would just embrace a slower pace, we might build a lasting foundation that can withstand any storm.  That's what i want. I want roots that run deep.

So, I got animals.

I know many of you have heard bits and pieces about the little hobby farm that is starting at the Boone house. I also know that many of you have been giving me a hard time about it...(you know who you are;)

So, i thought i would share in our new little adventures.

In April I had decided that I wanted chickens.  My neighbor had some and we talked about it and i decided that was a great thing for us to have too.  Jeromy wasn't so much on board, so i didn't push it.  Every week i would mention it and Jeromy would always say he didn't want any. He never quite told me "No", but he definitely made it clear that this was something that I wanted, and not him :)  When Mothers Day rolled around i said i just wanted chicks for Mothers Day!  I was visiting at my parents and my brother, Tim had this great book about raising animals on a quarter acre, or something like that. Well, i had two acres, i could definitely do this, right?   He was on board and volunteered to build me a coop if I wanted one. (that in itself is amazing. Brother and sister on the same page?  It was a miracle! ;) 

Well, Mothers day came and went and I didn't get any chicks.  Which was fine, because even though i wanted them verbally, i was kind of mentally thinking...maybe, maybe not? 

Finally Jeromy had a day off of work and i said, lets just go and get some chicks. The kids had been excited and i was ready to do this. My wonderful neighbor game me her hamster cage to borrow and i felt set.  Off we went. Down the road and towards the Anoka/Ramsey area. 

Finally, chicks!  We got into the garden/farm center and took a big whiff of...stinky butt! Yuck.  Okay, i can do this, i can do this.  We looked at all the chicks running around in little bins and it was fun.  That was until Jeromy pulled me into another room where the chicks were a little bigger. And scary!  A bunch of the chicks were pecking at the hurt ones and feathers were gone and there was a rooster jumping from bin to bin cock-a-doodle-do'ing....Oh, boy!  That was it, after a few minutes of looking and attempting to act excited i said  "We're out of here. No way, no how am i gonna have one of those disgusting and scary things!"  Jeromy smiled on the inside, i just know it. And off we went. The kids were super crabby at me and that was fine. I felt traumatized by what I saw. Those poor chickens that were getting picked on, I just couldn't deal with that. Couldn't.

After getting told over and over again that the kids were "So mad at me!"  They seemed to get over it and we went on with our night.  Perfect. Dodged a bullet there.

The next day at the bus stop, Ruby ran out  before me and I heard Sydney (my sweet little neighbor) say "Who's afraid  of the chickens?"   That stinker Ruby was calling me out and making me look like a big ol baby (which i totally am)  Well, i couldn't have that. I marched right out there and explained my side...to a 3rd grader.

It was that moment where i had a little talk with myself. I am the leader. I am in charge of these chickens, and I can do this. I had to be intentional about tyring to embrace this. I was going to like and care for these animals. For my kids. I wanted them to have a great experience. Like i always say, this is their childhood that i am creating. It may be hard for me, but its going to be awesome for them. I can do it.

That was it, when Ruby got home, we were packing up the van and we were getting chicks!  They didn't even have a choice. Off we went. I got there, swallowed my fear and asked the guy to pick out the best ones for me.  He said if you want 4, buy 6...that did NOT make me feel any better about this decision.

Home we came with 6 chicks and a totally freaked out mom.  What was I doing? 

Thankfully me neighbor is the best ever and she stood right by me and helped me when i needed it and actually came over to clean one of my chicks "goopy butt"  (i know gross, sorry)  I just coudlnt' do it, ugggg, i am gagging in my mouth just thinking about it.  She told me that she gave her chickens hard boiled egg yolks as a treat and oatmeal and other things. She showed me the ropes.  Though, secretly , i knew it would be OVER MY DEAD BODY that i ever cook for my pets! 

I took special care of my chicks and started to love them. And then one died. Traumatic! We were all there outside with it when it just flipped over and died...it was awful and sad. Ruby took it the hardest. Laney, on the other hand, couldn't figure out why Ruby was crying AS we were burying little Aerial!

Well, wouldn't ya know it. I was back at the feed store buying two more chicks a few days later and i was boiling the heck out of every egg in this house. Treats for my flock? Absolutely :) Anything to make them happy! (and live) :)

                                               

Well, how 'bout that, just about the time we get used to our 7 chicks we are at my nephews birthday party and my Mom mentioned to us that she saw a sign for free kittens.  I didn't think twice about it, but Jeromy was intrigued.  They chatted about it and enjoyed the party. That was that.

As we were driving home, i (for reasons unknown to me) asked Jeromy where my Mom saw that sign?  He told me on 10 and we decided to just take that way home instead. You know, just to "look".  We saw the sign, stopped and went inside. The parents had three little kids just like ours and they brought out the first kitty . (there were only 2 left) Honestly, when i saw the cat i though it would be the last one i would ever pick. I like a gray tabby, maybe an orange and white, but blackish? Never. Definetly never.

 Two minutes later we were walking to the car holding that darn blackish kitten. The kids were so excited and Jeromy seemed to be reverting to a child like love for that kitty too.
                 

One trip to Walmart and a few meows later, i told Jeromy "I can't do this!" Its a lifelong commitment and its so in my face. At least the chickens are outside (or will be soon) But this cat, this cat will be around me forever!  And what if, heaven forbid, it jumps on the counter!!??! Uck. Never. I can't do this. In the morning just bring it back, please...

Morning came and Jeromy was up a few times with the kitty at night. Actually more then he was ever up with our new born children! :)  In the same sentence i started to say "just bring her home", i ended with  "Maybe we should get her sister too?" Jeromy jumped at the chance to have another and off he and Laney went. And he came home with a crazy loudly meowing kitty.   What had we done?

That was three days ago, and the kids are in total heaven loving on their cats.  And i am happy about the choice too. They are kind of cute. Laney needed something to snuggle. She needed it!  That poor kitty. Laney got the crazy one who freaks out when you pick her up, but if anyone can break it, its Laney:)

So, some may say hobby farm and that's okay with me. Hey, if I could have a cow and a goat too, i would enjoy it!

So, here's to crazy houses with animals...as long as they don't smell like them, i am okay with it.  Now, if i could just keep my dog from wanting to eat my cats and my cats from wanting to eat my birds...

I suppose i can't leave out the one who started this all...Gus, our loyal dog.