Just passing through

Here's what i've been thinking about these days.  We live in an Oprah Winfrey kind of world where we are taught to believe that if we take care of ourselves first that life will be great...because we are happy.  And i can't stand that mentality. In fact, i think it is everything that is wrong with this world.

I am acutely aware of the fact that God has placed me in a situation where i have alot of people in my life who are looking out for number one and number one only. Its always about what I didn't get, or who let me down.  Honestly, I am completely frustrated and overwhelmed with it all.   I try to remind myself to respond with love and continue to turn the other cheek, that they may not know God's word and i want to show love by extending grace and forgiving and loving and doing for others.  But, like everything, its hard because i am a human too. A selfish and sinful human.  And somedays i just want to unload on those people and let them know how their actions have effected others.  Yes, who we are as people effect others too...its a beautiful concept but an easily forgotten one.

There are many days that i feel a physical heaviness at the burden of compensating  for all the selfishness by retaliating with love.  As always, i am at war with myself. I want to respond by acting how i feel but try to choose to do what is right.  In fact, i think i actually error to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. I tell myself  "i'll carry their burden so they don't have to hurt".  I do an injustice on the opposite side, i suppose.

We are who we are because of situations we have been in, families we have grown up with, genetics, God's grace, feelings that have been acknowledged or ignored and choices we have made.  I  know so many of us like to blame our "situation" for how or why we react and respond the way we do, but i don't buy it. We all have a choice.  We can choose to overcome, choose to turn the other cheek, choose to embrace instead of hurt and choose to love. 

When we read through the Bible, it is taught over and over to love one another.  Its that easy, and that difficult. Love. And believe me, i don't feel like that is a natural response that i have to those who offend me, but one i have chosen (or am trying) to take.  Yes, we all get mad and we all are hurt...thats okay, but how we respond to that hurt is where our integrity comes through.  Do we sin in our anger? Probably.  Does God teach us to do so?...Definitely not.  Psalms 4:4 "In your anger do not sin..."  God isn't telling us that we can not be angry about a situation, but that we can not sin because of it.  Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you."  I mean, i could go on and on. Seriously the Bible is strict on this one (and everything else) its a big deal.  God is repeatedly teaching us to Love Him first and others second.  When Jesus was asked which was the greatest commandment in the law?  He answered "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love you neighbor as yourself '." (Matthew 22:37-39) 

Its not easy. Period. We are all sinners who have fallen short, but that doesn't give us the excuse or allow us to embrace our sinful nature and to stop trying.  (Man, now as i get typing i am thinking bout a hundred things that i want to say and so many points that go off of this and thoughts that i have had and would love to discuss, but i'll try to stay on task )

 I guess my point is this.  We don't get good as enough, its simply isn't.  The bar is set so high and God calls us to obey his commandments. Period.  Its not about our busy schedules, our lack of or abundance of money and especially not about what we feel like doing.  We are on this earth to make disciples of all nations. This is my temporary home. (did NOT mean to reference that Carrie Underwood song) I am just passing through and i will ignore all of my human feelings that start with  the sentence "What about me?"  God promises us persecution, but he also promises us a great inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-waiting for us in heaven. We have hope in the resurrection of Jesus Christ.   We need to keep ourselves in God's love as we wait for the Mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring us into eternal life. (Jude 1:21)

I have read and clung to these few verses as i have been experiencing fear in my own life (thats a whole other blog...and I'll write about it someday) 

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  


Hebrews 10:36 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."   
 
And finally Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL" 


Those last few words have honestly changed my world.  I cling to them and love them.  His promises bring joy and hope through our faith in Him,  but they also promise an eternal death for those who do not put their hope in Him. Thats powerful.  He who promised is faithful.  To me, those might just be some of the most powerful words ever written in the Bible.

That's whats on my heart.  Do unto others.  Lets just do it. Don't wait until someone is on their death be to reminisce on the days gone by and all the opportunities you missed to serve, connect, encourage, lift up, embrace, and love those people.  Because by then, it will be too late...

Obviously we aren't going to get it right all of the time, but come on...is anyone even think about what they can do for others any more? Do we ever think out side of our secure house with our kids and shcedules to look for someone who is in need?

We have a heavy load to carry as Christians in this world. We are held to a higher standard because we are representatives of His kingdom.... But we also have the promise of a Father...And for me, that alone is worth all the persecution i will endure this short time on earth.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)

Obedience? Not in this house.

Warning: I am NOT in a good mood...

Ahhh, what a looong week i had last week and an even harder weekend.  Life seems to be crazy lately and i am not loving that.  I am NOT and never have been that girl that has to be busy and needs to be involved in 50 things to feel important. I am content chasing my kids, playing outside, doing laundry and being home. 

I can't even put my finger on exactly why i am so frustrated but i think i have a few good ideas.  As the kids get older, every other weekend we have a full house and it seems to wreak a little havoc on everyone and that is getting hard.  Jeromy is playing softball two nights a week, in a row (which i encouraged) but i am realizing that two long days and nights alone with the kids is hard.  My kids are getting ...ummmm, well...mouthy!  Its driving me crazy.  I remember when Ruby was just a baby and my sister in law told me that it was the fighting that was so hard to deal with. Her kids were close in age and fought alot.  I didn't quite understand exactly what she meant back then, but I do now. 

Is it just me!?!? Or does anyone else have these hard days? I am getting so annoyed at the parents who have a problem, they handle it and give me that solution.  I mean, come on? Really?  Its just NOT that easy. At least not at this house.  I notice Ruby has turned into a little mouthy grumpy goose since she started kindergarten. I want to blame school on this problem...and it may be part of it...but i have to take responsibility for it too.  As she sasses and then Laney sasses back and now i hear Junior doing it, i wonder to myself ... Is it her age? Is it school? Is she just trying to be independent? Is it genetic? Or is she copying me?!   No answers are good enough.  No one knows and the weight falls solely on my shoulders.  I am a stay at home mom. This is my job. I am the teacher and they learn from me. 

I am not kidding, its like i walk around this house saying"don't drink your water in the living room" and the minute i leave, they bring it in there.  I can say, "make your bed" and two hour and one spanking later they are playing polly pockets in their mess still.  I feel like maybe i am talking so much that they don't even hear me anymore?  I don't know. Do i raise my voice more than i should, or not enough?  Why does one of them instinctively kick their foot out when the other one walks by?  We are dealing with fights and tears ALL THE TIME at this house. And honestly, i am not used to that. I grew up with three brothers. There was alot of fighting, but not alot of crying in our house. I don't know how to deal with this. I even find that i will lower myself to their level sometimes.  Like, i just want to say  "Fine. I am mad at you and i don't want to talk to you either!" I mean, come on...what am i two for thinking like this?  Ugh.

This week especially, i have the overwhleming urge to yell, "I HAVE FEELING TOO!!" (like a child, i know) to my family...ALOT.  But honestly i can only take so much of the "Mom get me some water!" Or "I don't like you!"  I know they are kids and i am sure so many of you moms are thinking, well, just follow through ...discipline different... and all will be okay.   I know Moms think it, i have done it myself. But i also know and am 100% positive that every kid is different and they don't all respond exactly the same way. I just can't figure out what the "best" way is to parent each of mine.

I was at a game a while ago with a friend and talking to a mom who has young children. And she goes to work and drops her kids off at day care and then has extra curricular activities and meetings and other obligations in a day.  I know that is normal for so many moms. But ya know what?  If you aren't home all day every day (or most days) living in the trenches with your kids, then you don't understand my complaints.  Those are the parents who think its easy, they try to direct me, saying "i just say jump and my kids listen".  Its making me so crazy these days.  I know i have gotten in trouble writing about this before and i probably will again, but ya know what, its how i truly feel.  Its NOT the same.

I am sitting here, wanting to finish the dishes, needing to fold one more load of laundry and wishing i could keep up on my household tasks so i could enjoy the beautiful weather,  but i can't... I swear i am always saying i want to catch up on chores, but i never seem to get there and today that is making me feel like screaming...

I wish i had a day where my kids woke up perfectly happy, cleaned their rooms, remembered their manners, ate their lunch, and didn't say one unkind word to any of us...That would make me happy. 

...i wish.....

Happy 6th Birthday Ruby!

                                        
I can not believe that tomorrow i celebrate the 6th birthday of my first born child! Ruby Catherine Carlotta Boone has brought nothing but joy to my life.  May 5th, 2005 was the day that forever changed me. I became a mother! What an amazing blessing.

As i was driving yesterday i was remembering back to that day 6 years ago.  I was doing my PTA Clinical and had been working all day and by lunch time i felt these weird pains start in my stomach and swing around to my back. Quick and sharp, but nothing i thought about.  As i drove home that night, i stopped into Acapulco to see my brother and tell him about my little pain. A little Mexican hostess named Sofia said, "do they start in your stomach and wrap around to your back?"  "Ummm, yep."  She said, "you're in labor."  I was excited, but still didn't believe it. I didn't know what to expect so i didn't get too worried. I mean, the baby wasn't due for 10 more days. But that would make it a Cinco De Mayo baby. 05-05-05...

I went home to our little apartment and did the elliptical (ya, apparently i was much younger and motivated then) and then took a little nap (i can't remember the last nap i have taken since).  When i woke up i though they had gone away. I got up and got ready for Jeromy's softball game. I had told him about the feelings, but we weren't worried.  He came home and we set out for his game at Sand Creek.  I sat with my bestie Heidi, who was also expecting shortly, and told her about the pain, but didn't worry too much about it.  I remember Jeromy hit a home run, so Heidi and I decided to walk and get it and as we were walking her husband hit one out too. So here we are, two big ol prego's getting the balls.  Its a fun memory.  Through out the game i continued to have little pains, but nothing much.

On the way home we stopped to get a Wendy's (haven't had one since) and went to our apartment. I just didn't feel like eating my caesar salad that night. The pain continued until it got a little bad.  I hopped in the tub cause Jeromy thought that would make it better...it didn't.  Eventually i told Jeromy to go to bed and rest and said i would try to sleep too.  Well, obviously that didn't happen. Finally about 10:30 i called my Mom and Dad and said "Mom, this really hurts!"  She thought I should go in just to be safe, so i agreed. 

I woke up Jeromy and we headed in the truck to the hospital. I called my brother Sam on the way and told him where we were headed. I tried to play it down and said i would keep him posted.  Jeromy asked me "on a scale of 1 to 10 what was my pain level?"  He asked it while i was doubled over in pain just waiting for the stop light to turn green, I answered "i think a 10!"  He questioned "10 being the least?"  I didn't think it was funny that night funny and I don't think its funny now:)   We got to the hospital and attempted to make it up to front desk to register.  Of course i had forgotten my stinkin paperwork!! Jeromy got us signed in and we headed up to the 4th floor.  Oh, that fourth floor, how i love it!!

I got changed and they just wanted to see if i was dilated and i remember telling the nurse "I know alot of people probably say this, but this really hurts! Is there anything you can do to make it better?"  Turns out i was dilated to 8 and ready to get into a room and deliver!  Oh, boy! 

Just a side note for those who don't know: We had an ultrasound and were told we were having a baby boy. Sooooo, stay tuned!;)

After i got an epidural (thankfully it took the back pain away) and threw up a few times, out came my beautiful and perfectly healthy little 5 pound 10 ounce GIRL!!  The doctor told us we had a girl and i just felt confused.  Weren't we going to have a boy? Immediately Jeromy said we would call her Ruby Carlotta Boone. I said how about Ruby Catherine (his Mom) Carlotta Boone, and that was it.  Thats all we said about that. We never did have a boy name picked out anyway.  We asked the parents back in and they commented on our beautiful "boy" and we had the nurse open the diaper and announce it was a girl! What a beautiful memory! We HAD it on video, but sadly, my dad taped over it a year later!

That was the day that changed my life forever.  It was an amazing start to an amazing journey. There is no greater love that i have ever felt than the love that i feel for my children.


                                       
                                                Happy Birthday to this beautiful soul, Ruby Boone.