One doesn't represent them all.

Like about 90% of our nation, my heart is heavy today. My mind is whirling and my burden is great.

Upon hearing of the most recent news this morning, i have found myself desperate to read the right thing, find the right words, or make sense of it all.

But i can't.

As i sat and watched my kids swimming lessons this morning, i tried to pondered which side i was on, what each side was feeling, where our future is headed. I sat  in the stands and thought about the Green Bay Packers shirt that i was wearing. Its a beautiful green with words that say "They hate us cause they ain't us". And i felt out of place. I thought that in a sea of Minnesotans nobody wants to see green and yellow.  I know this because this year i experienced my first taste of my own racism. It took place at Target field, and it was against the Canadians. But still.

When they stood up and cheered as their SECOND batter hit one out of the park in the FIRST inning at OUR stadium. I felt a rage inside of me. I thought i might want that whole stinking row of ugly blue and white jerseys to fall over the second level balcony. Bye, Bye Kanucks!  I felt it. I felt like, don't you dare come into MY house and throw that home run in my face. Its you 6 versus all of us, buddy. You lose no matter what.

Actually, we lost. By alot. I'm over it though, i swear.

It was a great reminder to me of my love for the Packers in a Vikings state.  Yes, i love them. I support them. I wear their colors. But I'll never hoot an holler for them, (like a Kanuck!) in front of a Viking fan out of spite. Because this is Vikings territory. And i want to be respectful of that. I want to win because my team is better than yours (obviously). Nothing more.

We don't need mouths to win. Just talent.

The reason this relates to today is because i felt what it was to 1.) Be out of place. And 2.) to not like someone who wasn't like me.

Its not exactly like racism, but kind of.

Its a foundation.

So as i sat in the gym i thought about what i would do if i was black. I'd follow the rules. I'd atc like they wanted me to act. I'd be polite.I'd listen. I wouldn't question. I 'd be quiet. 

....I'd act white.....

And there it was.

I think its important to say this. We aren't all the same. Can't we just acknowledge that?

Do we have to pretend we are?

Different isn't better or worse. Its different.

Our cultures, as i have watched, are different.

So how does that translate to killing one another?

I can't figure it out.

I know there is so much that is taboo these days. Things i say can get turned around and used against me. Someone can peg me for a racism. But i am only trying to start from a point of honesty.

Can't we just be different?

Don't we all have a few rotten eggs in our culture?  

Its doesn't make the rest bad though, does it.

Some officers are corrupt. Yes.  Some criminals are black. Yes.

But is it our color or uniform that define us?

Isn't it our integrity? Our foundation? Our respect for our fellow countryman? Our love for one another?

I hate this.

The black community is in despair. Clearly. 

Crying out to be heard. Understandably.

But after last nights very intentional and calculated killings of police officers, how can one show that community sympathy!?

It makes my blood boil.

Two wrongs do not make a right. So now what?

I keep trying to remind myself that each person is an individual and they are not defined by anything else.

Black, white, uniformed, or otherwise.

We can't change that we're white any more than they can change that they're black. 

It just is what it is.

Neither is better.

And its no ones fault.

As i drove home from swimming, i saw a police officer. My heart broke a little. I wanted to offer my sympathies and tell him i was on his side. That i know they rush in when we need them. That each traffic stop could be their last. That the pressure that is on them is overwhelming and that i acknowledge it and appreciate it. That Blue lives matter.

But i couldn't. 

I won't lie, i thought about what will happen the next time i get pulled over and how stinking respectful and slow moving I'm going to be. It made me think about how i would feel if i were black, or raising a black child.

There's no doubt its a concern.

And if I'm honest, a piece of me is thankful that I'm not.

Its the truth. 

I raise my kids to be respectful. Especially to our military and our police.  On 4th of July i was getting after Junior for using the word "cop" instead of police officer, because i didn't like the sound of it.

Those who protect us rank high.

When Junior says "Uh oh, a cops gonna get me!" I immediately take him by the arm and tell him that the officers protect us. They don't get us. They protect us. When we need them, they come.  There's not a question about it!

And yet, here two black men lay dead, for reasons that look glaringly wrong and unjust.

We don't know what transpired between Philando and that officer, because the recording didn't happen until after the shots were fired.  

I do know that the police officer was most certainly on the verge of hysterics when he screamed out. 

I just don't think we can say for certain why. If it was race based or out of fear for his life. 

As for Mr. Sterling, from what i saw on that video-there was zero justification for shooting him.

Its sickening.

But is this a black and white problem~or a (sinful) human problem?

Have we gone so far off the deep end and are so afraid to offend or be honest, that we're all on the verge of snapping?!

Can we stand for nothing anymore without being labeled?

I hate this.

And i felt myself falling prey to it.  I thought, as i watched my kids today, should i tell them? Is this a moment that i can teach them? Or will my prejudices be obvious. 

I don't like disrespect. Period. Especially to an authority figure. A parent, a coach, and officer.

I'm a rule follower by nature and when i have respect for an authority figure, i listen. If someone told me, "Don't move!" I wouldn't.

But how can we trust those who are sworn to protect us when we see videos of bad cops doing horrible things?

We do it because our trust isn't in man.

Our trust is in God.

And that means we have to trust the system.

We believe that there is good in this world. Not all police officers are bad and not all people of ethnicity are bad.

I have to keep telling myself that so I don't fall into the trap of hating a whole group over a few bad apples. On either side.

In the movie 'Lone Survivor' i am constantly reminded of the glaring contradiction of racism and hating a whole group because of a few.

When that team of Seals are faced with a predicament on that hill when some Afghans find them, they're faced with a difficult decision on what to do with them. Kill them? Release them? Or tie them up and leave?

I remember that moment so vividly in that movie because i know what i would do. I felt a hatred, in honor of our troops, for the middle eastern people. How could they? I thought. They're all bad.

Its embarrassing, but I've thought it.

But as the movie progresses and Marcus survives--only barely--due to the fierce protection and dedication of a peace-loving tribe of Afghanistan's, i am always reminded that a person is an individual, not a whole culture.

Its is a great reminder of how one group can try to destroy, while another group--of that same ethnicity or belief system--can put their lives on the line~for man.

And its on my mind today.

We are called to love.

And i want to love.

At Starbucks today my favorite barista, whom i love, who happens to be black, helped me. As i waited in line, chatting with her, i also watched as the pharmacist, who is kind, funny, and brilliant, and also black, sat behind me.

I wanted so badly to look into their eyes and to say i was sorry.  I was sorry for what they feel that i will never understanding. I was sorry for an oppression that i am not even aware of.

I was sorry for the few bad, in a world of good.

On both of our sides.

This is the great United States of America. We are a team.  Let us not fight against one another, but stand side by side. For the love of something greater. For belief in a system. A system that, although skewed and at times unjust to the human eye, is in the hands of a very Mighty and Capable God. He's not up there sleeping on some throne: He's here with us. Each and every day.

Today, as i prayed so desperately for our nation, i also prayed that it wouldn't take a greater tragedy to pull us together once again, but that He would continue to knock and that we would run to invite Him into our lives.

Revelations 3:20 "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."

Lord, please don't stop knocking.....

One doesn't represent them all.

Like about 90% of our nation, my heart is heavy today. My mind is whirling and my burden is great.

Upon hearing of the most recent news this morning, i have found myself desperate to read the right thing, find the right words, or make sense of it all.

But i can't.

As i sat and watched my kids swimming lessons this morning, i tried to pondered which side i was on, what each side was feeling, where our future is headed. I sat  in the stands and thought about the Green Bay Packers shirt that i was wearing. Its a beautiful green with words that say "They hate us cause they ain't us". And i felt out of place. I thought that in a sea of Minnesotans nobody wants to see green and yellow.  I know this because this year i experienced my first taste of my own racism. It took place at Target field, and it was against the Canadians. But still.

When they stood up and cheered as their SECOND batter hit one out of the park in the FIRST inning at OUR stadium. I felt a rage inside of me. I thought i might want that whole stinking row of ugly blue and white jerseys to fall over the second level balcony. Bye, Bye Kanucks!  I felt it. I felt like, don't you dare come into MY house and throw that home run in my face. Its you 6 versus all of us, buddy. You lose no matter what.

Actually, we lost. By alot. I'm over it though, i swear.

It was a great reminder to me of my love for the Packers in a Vikings state.  Yes, i love them. I support them. I wear their colors. But i'll never hoot an hollar for them, (like a Kanuck!) in front of a Viking fan out of spite. Because this is Vikings territory. And i want to be respectful of that. I want to win because my team is better than yours (obviously). Nothing more.

We don't need mouths to win. Just talent.

The reason this relates to today is because i felt what it was to 1.) Be out of place. And 2.) to not like someone who wasn't like me.

Its not exactly like racism, but kind of.

Its a foundation.

So as i sat in the gym i thought about what i would do if i was black. I'd follow the rules. I'd atc like they wanted me to act. I'd be polite.I'd listen. I wouldn't question. I 'd be quiet. 

....I'd act white.....

And there it was.

I think its important to say this. We aren't all the same. Can't we just acknowledge that?

Do we have to pretend we are?

Different isn't better or worse. Its different.

Our cultures, as i have watched, are different.

So how does that translate to killing one another?

I can't figure it out.

I know there is so much that is taboo these days. Things i say can get turned around and used against me. Someone can peg me for a racism. But i am only trying to start from a point of honesty.

Can't we just be different?

Don't we all have a few rotten eggs in our culture?  

Its doesn't make the rest bad though, does it.

Some officers are corrupt. Yes.  Some criminals are black. Yes.

But is it our color or uniform that define us?

Isn't it our integrity? Our foundation? Our respect for our fellow countryman? Our love for one another?

I hate this.

The black community is in despair. Clearly. 

Crying out to be heard. Understandably.

But after last nights very intentional and calculated killings of police officers, how can one show that community sympathy!?

It makes my blood boil.

Two wrongs do not make a right. So now what?

I keep trying to remind myself that each person is an individual and they are not defined by anything else.

Black, white, uniformed, or otherwise.

We can't change that we're white any more than they can change that they're black. 

It just is what it is.

Neither is better.

And its no ones fault.

As i drove home from swimming, i saw a police officer. My heart broke a little. I wanted to offer my sympathies and tell him i was on his side. That i know they rush in when we need them. That each traffic stop could be their last. That the pressure that is on them is overwhelming and that i acknowledge it and appreciate it. That Blue lives matter.

But i couldn't. 

I won't lie, i thought about what will happen the next time i get pulled over and how stinking respectful and slow moving i'm going to be. It made me think about how i would feel if i were black, or raising a black child.

There's no doubt its a concern.

And if i'm honest, a piece of me is thankful that i'm not.

Its the truth. 

I raise my kids to be respectful. Especially to our military and our police.  On 4th of July i was getting after Junior for using the word "cop" instead of police officer, because i didn't like the sound of it.

Those who protect us rank high.

When Junior says "Uh oh, a cops gonna get me!" I immediately take him by the arm and tell him that the officers protect us. They don't get us. They protect us. When we need them, they come.  There's not a question about it.

And yet, here two black men lay dead, for reasons that look glaringly wrong and unjust.

We don't know what transpired between Philando and that officer, because the recording didn't happen until after the shots were fired.  

I do know that the police officer was most certainly on the verge of hysterics when he screamed out. 

I just don't think we can say for certain why. If it was race based or out fear for his life. 

As for Mr. Sterling, from what i saw on that video-there was zero justification for shooting him.

Its sickening.

But is this a black and white problem~or a (sinful) human problem?

Have we gone so far off the deep end and are so afraid to offend or be honest, that we're all on the verge of snapping?!

Can we stand for nothing anymore without being labeled?

I hate this.

And i felt myself falling prey to it.  I thought, as i watched my kids today, should i tell them? Is this a moment that i can teach them? Or will my prejudices be obvious. 

I don't like disrespect. Period. Especially to an authority figure. A parent, a coach, and officer.

I'm a rule follower by nature and when i have respect for an authority figure, i listen. If someone told me, "Don't move!" I wouldn't.

But how can we trust those who are sworn to protect us when we see videos of bad cops doing horrible things?

We do it because our trust isn't in man.

Our trust is in God.

And that means we have to trust the system.

We believe that there is good in this world. Not all police officers are bad and not all people of ethnicity are bad.

I have to keep telling myself that so I don't fall into the trap of hating a whole group over a few bad apples. On either side.

In the movie 'Lone Survivor' i am constantly reminded of the glaring contradiction of racism and hating a whole group because of a few.

When that team of Seals are faced with a predicament on that hill when some Afghans find them, they're faced with a difficult decision on what to do with them. Kill them? Release them? Or tie them up and leave?

I remember that moment so vividly in that movie because i know what i would do. I felt a hatred, in honor of our troops, for the middle eastern people. How could they? I thought. They're all bad.

Its embarrassing, but i thought it.

But as the movie progresses and Marcus survives-only barely-due to the fierce protection and dedication of a peace-loving tribe of Afghanistans: i am always reminded that a person is an individual, not a whole culture.

Its is my greatest reminder of how one group can try to destroy, while another group-of the same ethnicity or belief system-can put their lives on the line: for the greater good.

And its on my mind today.

We are called to love.

And i want to love.

At Starbucks today, my favorite barista, whom i love, who happens to be black, helped me. As i waited in line, chatting with her, i alsoi watched as the pharmacist, who is kind, funny, and wonderful, and also black, sat behind me.

I wanted so badly to look into their eyes and to say i was sorry.  I was sorry for what they feel that i will never understanding. Sorry for an oppression that i am not even aware of.

I was sorry for the few bad, in a world of good.

On both of our sides.

This is the great United States of America. We are a team.  Let us not fight against one another, but stand side by side. For the love of something greater.

Today, as i prayed so desperately for our nation, i also prayed that it wouldn't take a greater tragedy to pull us together once again, but that He would continue to knock and that we would run to invite Him into our lives.

Revelations 3:20 "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."

Lord, please don't stop knocking.....

Paging Dr. Leo Marvin.

A really big part of my adult life, i've found myself asking the same question, "Isn't it okay to just be different?"

As i've tried to make my way through the sea of life, to swim with the crowd of other adults but i've always felt a little like i didn't belong.

And i never just felt so assured about myself that that didn't bother me.

I am constantly questioning and wondering. I'm never content in the way that i think i've got it all (or anything, really) figured out.

Except movies. Obviously i know good TV. I mean, come on.

But as far as "grown up" stuff. I've just never fully settled into it.

Do we have to be quiet in groups?

Can't we laugh 90% of the time?

Is it bad to keep being self depreciating for the love of a good joke?

House work, homework, wife work, mom work.

Its all hard for me.

Does it really matter how organized our closets are?  If you've got shoes to wear, isn't that all that matters?

Who cares whats behind the curtain.

But here's the thing, almost everyone cares whats behind the curtain.

But i just don't.

I like to have fun, i like to laugh, i like to ignore work in lue of conversations.

And yet, at the heart of my big, loud being i silently wonder, "is it wrong to be different?"

I've beat myself over the head trying to change to convert to adult.  I just think my "adult" might look different than some other people's adult.

And that's okay?

Without going into details but with acknowledging that i have like the coolest friends in the universe, i'll tell you a quick tale of what sent me into my recent "adult" talespin.

My friends husband bought her and i tickets to Florida, rented us a car, and booked us a hotel.

No strings attached. Happy Birthday friend, lets jet outta here.

I'm sure your mouths are watering right now with jealousy. Cause you're normal!!

But me.....i began to sweat.

And panic.

And possibly feel a touch of atrial fibrillation come on.

24 hours after this honeymoon of a friendship gift was booked.....i flipped-a-lid.
I'm talking full on cuckoo bird hyperventilation!

I didn't have alot of people around me saying "Go! Have fun. Don't worry." I felt stressed by others opinions and afraid to leave my family.

Thankfully my friend has a tiny case of the cuckoo's herself, so she understood and didn't yell at me in my delicate time of lunacy.

After many wackadoo texts that usually started out by quoting the line that was playing, on a loop, in my mind from the movie "Super Troopers" i let her know that i was "Freaking out, man!" and she finally gave me the "okay" to call the airline and request the money back.

Although it was now 25 hours after booking, and they said they wouldn't refund us.

But, when fear has its grip on me, i'm like a cat trying to claw your eye balls out as you attempt to set it into a tub of water.

There just was NO way i wasn't gonna make this happen. Done and done.

And after three hours on the phone with India, a possible brain embolism, and 6 technicians later.......the money was refunded.

(you can go ahead an pick your jaws up off the floor now. Yes, i THREW AWAY a friend filled, kid free all inclusive 4 day trip to Florida.)

And here's where i start to feel bad.

Although i am SUPER happy to be able to breath without feeling like i am going to have a nervous breakdown today, i wonder what in the H. E double hockey sticks is my problem?

I do stuff like this alot.

I complain about house work and yet i can't seem to leave my house.

I get stressed with school work and the kids, and yet that's the only place i ever want to be.

The beach sounds amazing......but how can i get there? Not a plane, i'll tell you that!

I felt myself spiraling last night. I knew i was going down, and i knew it was going to be bad.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, i felt like a loser. And i questioned my mental status. (but that for another time and another place.)

But like i told my amazing friend (who shockingly still likes me and we have since made other amazing plans: IN THIS STATE), those feelings last night were real. It wasn't just me being scared. It was all consuming and unfortunately its what makes me me. The crazy. I knew no matter what, i couldn't fly out of here next week. But i also know that that plane will land safely and those people will have a great vacation.

But that just not for me.

And is that okay?

Why can't i just DO stuff.  Its weird.

I can't explain it, but i sure can feel the pull to keep my feet on solid ground.

Forever and ever. Amen.

I went to the gym to try to sweat this feeling out.  But it didn't help.

I didn't want to talk on the phone. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone. To mourn my life. And the inability that i have to take risks. Or trips. Or drive south of 694. Whatever.

And as it goes our pity parties can spiral real low, real fast.

Like what is my purpose here? I literally can't do anything. I kind of just fail at all things "normal."

I'm not like everybody else. Period. I'm constantly influenced by others thoughts, opinions, and feelings on things i do. I just don't want to blaze through life and run people over. I don't wanna say "not my problem" when someone doesn't agree with my choices.  And yet, its that exact same concern for others feeling that has been my downfall. Insert chicken with her head cut off here!

I just care about every little thing that every person close to me says and does at every moment of every day, Dangit!!!  That's all. Whats the big deal about that?

Its a vicious cycle i tell you.

As i drove home, in a daze, trying to process all this garbage in my head, i ended up at my faithful little Ham Lake library.

And after 24 hours of an intense stress that is so abnormal, over something that seems so perfectly exciting and amazing, i was emotionally and physically spent.

Like a total turkey.

To be honest i just kind of felt like a loser.

But then i entered my library.

Where i noticed the librarian got a hair cut.

"Hey, did you get your hair cut!?" i asked her as i entered.

"Oh, yes....i did." she said.

"Wow! It looks really nice." i said as we chatted some more..

And that's the exact moment, right there in my sweaty gym pants and 4H sweatshirt, that i realized that i was okay.

Maybe i'm not meant for great big things. Maybe i won't be the worlds best (or even on the level of normal) traveler.

But for me, right there in that moment, i knew: If  i could just make one person happy. Bring a smile to one persons face. That was enough.

That. was. enough.

I belong here in this small town. My small little space of life.

And i think.....i am actually starting to think......that maybe that's okay.

Its not Florida or a white sandy beach, its better. 

I want to be happy in life. And i guess, no matter how hard i try, i can't make somebody else's 'happy place' mine. I've got to get through the rough stuff in order to know how to find the good stuff.

Baby steps.

(ps. My friend is awesome and i will love her till the day i die.)

"Go."

I'm giving myself exactly 30 minutes to write this~and then its back to laundry, i promise.

Last night, we had a bit of drama at our house.

Our perfect and improving little adorable angel of a boy, Junior, wanted chips.

This is where the trouble begins.

Jeromy told him he could have some after he finished all of his chicken. I had run to the post office and was home shortly after this conversation took place.

As i was inside the house Junior yells to me that he wants chips.

To which i say, "You had chips for lunch, Junior, you can't only eat chips. No."

He insists that Dad said he could. We go back and forth a bit until i finally say, "if you want chips, you have to eat a yogurt first?" Not the worst punishment in the world, right?

Wrong.

Upon hearing my heart breaking news, Junior flipped.

I'm talking full on meltdown. Like tantrum throwing, door slamming, "you're the worst Mom in the world!" explosion.

My boy. My little angel. My buddy.

Yelling at me.

I wasn't gonna give in though.

If he wanted chips bad enough, he'd have to eat yogurt first. Period. End of discussion.

I went downstairs got on the computer to fill out some stuff.  And as i'm doing this i hear him stomping around. Only shortly after do i hear him coming down the stairs~ looking for me.

He was crying and sniffling the whole way.

My boy, my little angel, came to find me to tell me that i was the "worst" and that he wanted to live with someone else.

I turned to him and said, "Okay. Who are you going to live with?"

He thought a moment and answered, angrily, "UNCLE!"

I nodded and said, "okay."

Then he went on to tell me how much nicer it would be with him.  And i agreed and said "Okay, go."

He marched right back upstairs and proceeded to get his shoes on.

At that moment, Ruby started to panic, asking him "Where are YOU going!?"

Junior informed her that he was leaving.  And i heard them begin to discuss this and when he finally went out the front door, Ruby screamed to me and Jeromy that Junior was leaving and that we had to get him!

Then i heard Jeromy get up and walk to the door and tell her that he could go if he wanted. Let him be.  To which, she flipped a lid. Like, flipped it. (i'm starting to think it may just be in the genes.)

Now she's yelling/screaming at Jeromy that he's the worst ever and proceeded to call him any name she could think of, all while she panicked about Junior leaving.

Finally it got bad enough that i had to stomp up the stairs to give her the what for.

Both Laney and Ruby were itching to go outside to get Junior. Panicking.

We assured the girls that obviously he wouldn't leave and we loved him and were going to get him. We tried to calm them down. (and then i took this moment to remind her to remember this feeling the next time she tells him that he can't play with her.)

As i looked out my front door, i saw the saddest little scene that my heart has ever seen.

My boy. My precious little angel, was standing at the very end of our driveway, in the rain, hood up, shoulders hunched, facing the street. Just waiting.

Every now and then i'd see him turn around to look back at the house, in hopes of rescue.

But both Jeromy and I were ready to let him sit there for a few minutes. To teach him a little lesson on making threats.

As Jeromy peeked out the kitchen window, i peeked out the front door.

Watching as my boy -my sad, sad boy- stood weeping in the rain, wanting to run away.

About three minutes in, i couldn't TAKE it anymore. I thought my heart was gong to physically break in two.

From the moment that i slipped on my shoes to looking back at the window, he disappeared.  I yelled to Jeromy, asking if he saw where he went. He started scanning down the street and couldn't see him either.

I pulled my hood up and trudged out in the rain to find my little run-away baby.

As i got outside i could hear a faint cry, a whimper coming from somewhere close. But i couldn't find him. I checked in the camper. The truck. The van. The garage.

Then i panicked.

My tiny little new born left and the last thing i said to him was, "Go."

Go?! I officially was the worst.

I knew he was just sad and all it would take was me getting down on his level and asking him if he was having a bad day. That always did it. He always broke and cried and hugged me and reminded me that he had, in-fact, had a bad day.  It was precious. And i knew he just needed him Momma to hug him.

But where was he?

By now, Ruby and Laney are outside beside me.

And just as i go to look behind the house, my little teary eyed cherub, comes around the house, weeping in the rain.

He stopped when he saw me, and i stopped when i saw him.

"My boy."  i said, as i opened my arms to him.

Soaked from the rain, hood over his darling little head, and red rimmed eyes, he ran to me and i scooped him up.

And he just started to cry.

"Where were you going?" I whispered.

"Dad said Go! ......he told me to go". He weeped.

I hugged him close as the girls came around to find us, now on the porch.

"Did you have a hard day today, buddy?"

"Y-e-s-s-s-s". he said, burying his little head in my neck.

I went on to tell him that no matter where he was or what he did, that Momma would always love him and would never stop looking for him.

I told him how when he left, it broke my heart a little.

As we held each other and i soothed his tears..................he asked me for chips.

But before i could even answer, as if a gift from God, Laney broke the silence yelling out "Mom!! A red squirrel!"

Instantly the drama of the day came to an end.  I immediately set Junior down, ran to get the gun and raced back to the kids, who were now circling the pine tree trying to keep an eye on its path.

Jeromy was already up the tree trying to spook the squirrel enough to get it to move from its invisible bunker.

Within moments the gun was locked and loaded, the kids had found the squirrel, Jeromy was shaking the tree that he was now 20 feet into and like a bat out of you-know-what, that squirrel jumped from the top of the tree into oblivion. We watched with awe as it sailed-almost as if in slow motion-across the sky, at the last moment managing to grab another branch from another tree if only by the hair of its chinny-chin-chin.

And just like that, as quickly as it had come into our night, it disappeared. Along with all the tears, drama and hurt.

You never know how united you are as a family until a red squirrel crosses your path. And then, like beautiful, beautiful clock work, you move as one. A team.  A beautiful-crazy-little-dramatic team.

Yesterday you lived, squirrel and for that, i say Thank You. 

As for today: i make no promises.

Be different.

This week, as i sat in the turn lane, feeling a bit blah, dull off, I thought to myself, What did i do today that was any different than the person in the car beside me?

I was thinking as a Christian. 

Shouldn't we be so different than the world?

I mean, i think we all know that answer is yes. But....are we?

I was in a bit of a brain funk. I felt out of sorts and frustrated--with myself.

Its like i knew that the Jesus shaped hole in my heart was crying out this week.

It needed to be refueled.  And i knew only time with Jesus could do that.

But as i sat at that light, i thought, what am i doing differently. 

Other than saying our opinions in a big way on issues that are very political, very hot and very now. 

And can't we point a finger with the best of 'em?

But why?

Seriously, why do (some) Christian do that?

We're like a generation of eternal children. But when will we finally take up responsibility for ourselves and stop whining about who done us wrong?

Its like we have these foundations of, my parents are Christians or I went to church every day as a kid. Or i learned it once so now i know everything (and can judge everyone).

Why aren't we actively moving closer to Christ? Intentionally seeking Him out in a day.

We can be so smiley and kind until someone bumps into our joy, our comfort, or our happy.

What do we do when we disagree? Do we belittle? Are we condescending? Is patronizing the way to the cross? Do we show kindness to people even when we are angry? 

What do we do that is different?

All in life is rainbows and sunshine....until it isn't.

I know so many people that are so wonderful and kind and smiley and joyful. Others think they are brilliantly loving.

But, i've rubbed elbows with them behind closed doors and i think--Yea, they're great, until ya cross 'em.

We'd be amazed by what others have witnesses in private. The claws come out when we are challenged.

Opinions are huge. People defend their own beliefs so strongly that they would hurt every cause that they stood for just to prove a point or win an argument. 

And heres what i keep going back to: What are we doing that is so different from the ones we don't like?

Those "sinners" whose sins are so obvious, are they worse than us? Or are we better than them?

Or do we get up and put our pants on one leg at a time~doing nothing different. Never looking up.

What makes us different?

Are we fishers of men or are we getting up, checking our computer, having a coffee and heading out the door?

I'm talking to myself here.

Because i know my heart needs a change.

With the kids home and the schedule ever changing (or forever the same) i need to start my day out right.

I need to read God's word.  And just by doing it these past days as i lay in bed in the morning, i can honestly say i feel refreshed.

Starting my day talking with God is so good.

It sets my path straight when i normally want to run sideways.

And that's what's been laying so heavy on my heart these past few weeks. 

What are we doing differently than the ones we judge?

Do we rely on past knowledge, old answers, hidden nuggets of info in the deepest parts of our brain? 

Or are we actively seeking God's word? Are we asking for wisdom and praying for those who persecute us?

'Cause i gotta be honest, these days--i feel like i've got a lot of persecutors. Each in different ways. And if i'm being real honest, i'm not strong enough to deal with any of it on my own. I'll break. I'll snap. I'll probably say mean words. I have.

I need God's love. I need to actively seek out God each morning and ask Him to take these burdens. Ask Him to love me when i feel unlovable. Ask Him to be my defender. Ask him to put a root of love in my heart so that when i do bump into someones happy--i don't steal it. I can maneuver it with the skill and grace that only He can provide.

Lord, i know we stink down here sometimes. I am sure you shake your head more often than we know. But thank you for never giving up on us, even when you see us (confidently) going in the wrong direction.

What are we doing on earth (right now) that is displaying a life that is heaven bound?

I want to be different. 

When given the choice between being right or being kind, i want to choose kind.

My jelly jam tale

Good afternoooon!!! (i said it like Oprah would say it. So read it with that same enthusiasm, wouldya?)

I've had a great day!!!

Which is funny, cause i don't normally.

Ha!

I've been under the weather of late. So......the fact that i can be vertical and actually swallow water too?? 

Best. Day. Ever.

Most days i have a "tentative" schedule and kind of rush to get my stuff done.

Like, rush to rest so i can hurry and look out the window. Take a quick bath so i can speedily read a book before dinner.

You know, important stuff like that.

But today....

Today, we just started slow and (even thought we hit a few bumps) refused to rush or panic.

We were going to the berry farm. No matter what time we got there.

After making a quick run to Cambridge, because a certain someone took my last check without my knowing, i got some cash and turned back towards Isanti.

I may have missed a road and totally went out of the way and then had to turn around and back track...but i didn't care.

I was breathing oxygen, people!!  That's all i needed.

We picked berries today. It was fun. Quick. And easy. I mean, my kids were so good they could actually be professional illegal immigrants. Ya, that's how good they were.

(Oh thats funny. Don't be offended.)

So we picked.

And we had fun!

And then we paid.

And as we drove home talking and complimenting our amazingly impeccable picking skills, i felt happy.

It was just one of those days that works.

So as they watched American Ninja Warrior and ate lunch i got the ol' idea that since today was so totally awesome that, what the heck, i was gonna make jam or jelly or whatever the heck one it was .And it was going to be glorious!

After i washed and cut up all the berries, i found a recipe and off i went....

It was so fun.

And i was so proud.

Cause i've never done this.

And yet, here i was, doin' it!

Yay!

Here's my left over berries after i crushed my 4 cups.

Here's my crushed berries.

Then you have to put them into a pot with lemon and sugar.  And i just thought these colors were so beautiful that i wanted to share all 435 strawberry photos with you. Awww, i know. Its so nice.

Oooh, look!! Its boiling.

After boiling over once. Accidentally. And almost burning my hand off. Darn that tiny wooden spoon that i used. I finally, after blood, sweat and mucho thermometer reading,  managed to get it to 220 degrees. Booyah! Drop the spoon. No literally....i accidentally dropped it into the jam.  Durp!

That was a journey in itself, people.

Here is my little ol pot o' berries that i love like my own child.

 You can't tell. But it tasted reaaaaal good at this point!

I was like,"hold the phone!! My jelly-jam is phenomenal!!!"

So i scooped, poured, dipped and spun my way to little tiny jars of heaven.

Don't you suddenly just want to eat jelly-jam?! Cause i do!! 

Bread?  

Fugetaboutit!!  (<say it right, please.)

This is my glorious mess. My glorious little jelly making mess!!  

I'll be honest here, I feel like it won't be but a few moments before i have the Pioneer Woman herself, beating down my door asking me to be her best friend forever. That Ree. She's so like that.

I made jelly today.

What did you do, dorks?

Ah man, i'm sorry about the name calling. I think its the constant oxygen that my brain is getting. It feels so GOOD!

Maybe i'll whip up a quilt next?

You don't know..  

You just never know, Chumps!!

The hum drum days

This has been a......a tough......year.

Lots of things going on and lots of decisions and thought and plans for the future.

Here's what i have to say. Parenting is hard.

There are so many different stages of hard. 

There's the new mom stage of hard. The sleepless nights, the nursing, the transition from a girl, to a Mom. Theres new rashes, spit up, diapers, more prune juice--than less prune juice, first foods, rolling, crawling, walking, falling.

Then there's the new school age parent hard. We're flooded with questions. Will they be alright without me? Will kids be nice to them on the bus? What if someone is mean? They learn letters, sounds and words. Memorize sight words.  They do lunches, recess. Friends, birthday parties, new experiences, joys, book walks, carnivals. It becomes a new adventure that generally turns out okay. School. Kids seem to enjoy it.

Until they don't.

Next is the stage of school--without the perks of everything being shiny and new. School is just school. Another year for them, another day for them. The light is (or can be) gone from their little twinkling eyes.

That's when you enter the school's nothing new stage of parenting. And you start to watch your child. Wonder if they are happy. Hope they have some deep rooted friendships. Work with them to get good grades. Math, math, and more math happens as half of us adults are confused at their elementary aged homework(!). There's people who rub you (or your child) the wrong way. There is this new dance of letting them live and guiding them to be strong, curious, and free individuals upon the foundation that you (hopefully) built for them to stand on.  And its not easy.

Because what if you feel like maybe you didn't do it all right as a parent?

What if you watch other parents interact with their kids and you think, That's not how we do it? And then you wonder, ever-so-silently, if maybe that's why their kid behaves better. Acts better. Does better.

Its hard.

Especially when you aren't 100% sure.

I see the parents that toot their own horns. The ones with great kids. Self assured kids. Independent kids. Strong kids. Smart kids. Athletic kids. Respectful kids. Quiet spirited kids. Funny kids. Witty kids. Compassionate kids. Established kids. Confident kids.

It frustrates me to see people who think, though well intentioned, that their kids are this way because they made them that way.  They think they created this little robot and what they say goes.

"If you just do this (?) then your kids will (with no variables at all) do exactly that." Simple.

And sometimes it works.

But i am so aware of the difference in our kids bents. God made them with certain talents and strengths. And all i want so desperately to do is find that happy place for my child.

And try as we may to make them be like us, we simply can't.

I can't make my quiet introvert just "lighten up and join in". Believe me, i've tried.

And i can 't make my social butterfly, who's always in the middle of a group, sit by herself and not care.

And if i'm being honest, that makes for some really hard days.

Parenting, darnit anyhow, it such a hard thing.

To watch as you see your child feel hurt, wow--does that cut like a knife.

Right?

Every parent has experienced it on some level.

That's life. I understand that.

But doesn't it almost seem predictable that on those bad days you're having at your house, the days of self doubt and insecurity, that you sign onto facebook only to see your friend posted like the perfect picture of the perfect kid, doing the perfect thing at the perfect place on the perfect day.  Those are the days that i just looked at the computer and mutter, Shut up already! 

Or when money's tight at your house, doesn't it seem the whole wide world has up and flown to DISNEY WORLD! Ugh. Gag me already. (that's the jealously talking. I'm glad you all had a fun trip though. Good for you for working hard, being responsible, planning and being perfect!)

Last night as i lay in bed, i just allowed myself to to talk to God really honestly.

I said everything i was afraid to say.

I didn't start with words of thanksgiving. I started off listing all of my regrets, all of my fears, all of my "How come you haven't...." I was just having it out. I was being real. For a moment, in my prayers, it was just complaining to a friend. Everything. My deepest darkest desires and all of my frustrations and concerns.

And then i fell asleep.

Nothing wonderful happened. I didn't wake up renewed. I didn't wake up feeling fulfilled.

I just woke up.

To the same struggles of today that i suffered yesterday.

Life.

It can surely be a B word sometimes.

I'm constantly trying to think forward while i am remembering backwards.

I try to evaluate my future, predict it. And i feel like i may know it. I feel like i know the path that i will take. I know the struggles that i will have.

I think when i look to the future, i am such a realist......that i find i actually may border on pessimistic.

Like, because of this--i will deal with that. As if i know.

Sometimes i feel like my life is the movie Groundhogs day.

I can predict what will be the problem. What i will be doing at dinner time. How i will feel around 4 o'clock. And where i'll be sitting come 10 pm.

And lately--that's just not satisfying.

I just cry out to God to help me be better. To change.

But its almost like i can't.

Its just so hard.

Sometimes i feel like its too late. Damage is done.

I often think to myself, maybe i shouldn't have been so silly with them and had so much fun, because now they only like to have fun.  How do i complain about their room when i have clothes on my floor as well? How do you tell them to stop getting so mad.....when i'm mad?

Man.

Parenting is the pits when you hardly feel grown up enough to take care of yourself.

Its like two seconds ago i was playing basketball and egging houses and now here i am making the dinner, doing the laundry and raising up children.

How did this happen so fast!?

I'm bringing my child through their own school years already. Wasn't I just in school?

I'll tell ya what. School these days is a battle ground. And it ain't for the faint of heart.

Happiness. Its can be an elusive creature some days.

But we trudge on.

Right?

Because we're the mothers now.

And dinners not just gonna make itself, sister.

Don't conform.

Today, as i busy myself at home cleaning out my refrigerator and washing the dishes, i get the faint scent of farm--every time i move.

It wafts through my hair, off my clothes and into my nostrils like the glorious scent of all things good.

The smell of farm.

The smell of barn.

Makes me happy.  

I guess it has for awhile now.

Today i drove up to the farm where i get my milk.  And as usual, it was a trip i anticipated.  There's just something about driving North.

As i am home now, i think about those small farmers--my friends--and i am so glad to know them..

So glad for them. 

As the sun has been making its debut earlier and earlier these mornings and staying up later and later; with each passing day, i feel happy.

What makes me happy about going to the farm to get my milk isn't just the milk. It isn't just the people. It isn't the amazing amount of information that i gain each time. Its not even the fact that i can walk through and visit the cows if it want.

Its a combination of it all.

I can't describe it. My words can not depict the joy it brings me to be with salt of the earth people.

As i sat listening to the radio and doing dishes--smelling random reminders of my morning drifting through the air.  I felt so happy.

It felt like this, this, is what we are missing in the world.

Its whats wrong with the world.

The absence of good, hard working, knowledgeable people, who give 100% of their lives to something good. Something better. The select few who, without conscious thought, only know one gear: blood, sweat and tears. They give it all, 'cause its just what they do.

Where are more people like that?

You don't see them. Because they're busy looking up dumb facts on their phones, taking naps, watching days of netflix and taking double chinned selfies of themselves.

That's where our future sits, people.

In the hands of a different breed of humans.

The generation of "smart-phone-dummies".

Does no one get worried about that? 

Are we so sure of the path that we are taking that we never look up to check ourselves and to see if we are still heading in a direction that is good?

Or do we just accept it?

Our kids are hooked on pornography. Our kids use snapchat to communicate. Our kids are drinking $5 coffees, and talking on iphones that they don't even work to pay for!? They laugh out loud and expect you (the person sitting closest to them) to "get the joke" that they just read--ON THEIR PHONE! When they need information they don't sit and ponder it--forcing their dulled little brains to work, to actually think. No, they just ask Siri.

DOES NO ONE CARE!?!

I refuse to go with the flow on this. 

"Technology is our future".  Its always the same answer.

But instead of conforming to it, i have to ask myself , "should it be?"

Has it cured cancer?  Will it cure cancer?  Can it cure cancer?  In instances, yes--it has helped tremendously.

But has it also killed our nation? Has texting worthless and frivolous texts killed our loved ones? Are kids missing because they met a man who said he was a child on a social media site? Are 12 year olds attempting to kill their classmates because "slender man" told them to? Is bullying a classmate or filming a fight resulting in mass child suicide because kids can't handle this stuff? Is that really the way our future is headed?

Whaaaat the WHAT?! 

What has the benefit of having the internet--attached to you at every moment of every day--really done except entitle us to instant gratification in all areas of our life?

Parents are fighting an invisible battle (if they are even fighting at all).  How do you help a child find balance in a world of app after app after app?  How do you save a child from drowning in the pressure of peers when the fight is often invisible to the parents. How can you protect when there is a new account that gets set up, a new app to hide themselves and a new person tormenting or tempting your child all via the world wide web.

You can not protect, nor prepare a child for this. I don't believe it. Something, someone will sweep them away when no one is looking. Because how CAN we be looking? Its nearly impossible.

Does no one care!

I feel like a broken record these days. All you cynics can point out that posting an anti technology blog using the exact technology that i am fighting to be ironic. 

Its not. 

You're not being cute by saying it.  I'm a grown up, with a computer that plugs into the wall that doesn't have to be with me at all times.  So spare me, mmmkay.

Does technology have a purpose? Absolutely. 

But is the need to communicate through it, by it, on, and and in it 24/7 healthy for our already undiscilplined youth a good thing? Absolutely not.

I'll fight it tooth and nail at this house.

I can promise you that.

And i hope other parents finally put their foot down and stop conforming. 

Just say, "No!" for heavens sake.

No they don't need a phone that distracts them from their school work, they don't need itunes being streamed into their little mushy brains all day and night, they don't need to know what is going on around them through every social media sight.

Tell 'em to pick up a shovel, already!!

For the love of all that is good--make your kid sweat.

Make your kid work.

Make your kids feel the sunshine.

Make your child think.

So that the rest of us don't have to live in a world of self indulgent, spoiled, self-righteous, entitled, little dummies!

I know i am passionate about this. And i know 99% of you can make an excuse why your kid isn't one of "those kids".

And maybe you're right.

But i doubt it.

Today i smell like barn. I am relaxed, i am grateful, and i am content--knowing that good does exist and that i will do everything in my power to raise a salt of the earth household. They may not be perfect--heaven knows--but at least they will face life with their head UP........instead of looking down at a screen.

Of that, i can promise you.

Now, go dig a hole already.

Winter.

And so it begins......

Winter.

In Minnesota.

Uffda....

Let me start by saying i am not one of those people. You know the ones, the ones that sit and complain about the cold weather, like all. the. time. The ones who use every opportunity to complain about the cold, the snow, the wind, the ice, the winter.

I've never been a fan of those people.

I feel we have a responsibility to be loyal to our State.  Equal to the one we should have for our family and our friends.

"Stop rippin' on her" i think. Yes, she's cold, we get that, we know that, and we accept her for who she is. But she's not all bad. She gives us 4 beautiful seasons, transforms the landscape into an artists dream every fall, gently soothes us to sleep in the spring with her gentle rains and warms us to perfection in the Summer.

I love her.

I love my Minnesota.

It where my roots are, so it's where i am.

But for the first time, in 33 years, last night when i let my dog out before bed, and i opened the screen door to feel the winds whipping up snow at my face, and heard the intense jingle of my wind chimes.....its like the cold actually settled inside me.

And it was an ugly feeling.

I closed the door quickly and tightened my robe, this could be a long one, this winter we must endure yet again.

And as i slid into bed and pulled the covers high up to my chin i started to think, nay, to panic about the impending doom we Minnesotans were about to embark upon.

And i tried, i did, i tried to be positive. I tried to be loyal. I tried to find the silver lining. But i couldn't.  All i could think of was why the heck did our ancestors stop here--it must have been Fall. It had to be Fall. Because only fall could intoxicate a person enough to make them stop and set up camp. Darn you beautiful Fall. Darn you.

So as i lay there, shuttering as the wind beat aggressively against my window, i started to think about the fact that our van is just cold blooded. She's a stubborn ol' girl who likes to run cold. (or at least that's what Jeromy and i like to say to make ourselves feel better as our teeth chatter when we are in it) That van just doesn't heat up. Like literally.

And ya know what else?

 I lost the filter to my wet vac and that really started to bug me!! If i could just get a new filter, then i think i would feel better about this winter. Right?

Which lead me to thing.....

Are the chicks okay? Are they too cold? Shoot. Another winter laying in bed wondering if they're gonna make it.

Yea, ya wanna hear more?

My entryway mat was soaked from all the boot travel yesterday!! And that stunk.

More you say?

My van got so stuck in the driveway yesterday!! And that caused me to flash back to last year when i got stuck and i seriously think i was going to have a nervous break down, cursing the snow and screaming as i froze and dug my way out!!

This is too soon. It just can't be that time of year again.

I'm a lady. I like to take things slow, Winter.

And this is much too fast. 



And how is it that the kids gloves, ALREADY, are like constantly soaked? I can't keep up with this.

And the bottom of my freshly washed socks?  Ohh, they're damp because i accidentally stepped on that entry way rug!!

And ain't  NO ONE LIKES DAMP SOCKS, girrrrl!!!

At least all the kids snow pants fit them exactly like Steve Urkel's pants fit him. So that's great.

Not yet, Winter, just give us a few more weeks.

Here i sit, after a weekend with my husband away hunting, and then a snow day, and now a 2 hour school delay. My kids are standing on that wet entry way mat, because they went outside, "just to test their pants" and ended up playing in the snow like crazy people (aka: kids) and now....THEIR MITTENS ARE SOAKED!!!!! So there i made them stand. For the next 10 minutes, till that every lovin' bus gets here. And the dryer is a hummin' as i attempt to speed dry those darn $1 knit mittens.

Winter,


Its not you.....


....its me.......



......actually, its you.  Its most definitely you.

I've tried. I have.

We all have.

As i drove to my Moms house yesterday morning, all my precious cargo in tow, i thought, "i am a straight up cuckoo bird." It seems whenever the weather gets real bad.....i get in the van. That cold blooded hog.

I stopped at Holiday to get a few donuts and as i opened the door to that unfamiliar (and yet so familiar) gust of snow/wind hit my face, all i could do was gasp for air and run inside.

Inside, i saw other Minnesotans, we gave each other the eye, the "i know, right?" look. It felt special.
Its that same moment that i feel so often, in  the winter,  in Minnesota. Pride.

I'm proud to be a Minnesotan. I am. We're tough as they come. Dumb, maybe. But super tough.  I mean, we're much likelier to get MS someday,  but we're tough. Have i mentioned we're tough? 'Cause that's all we have for the next 6 months. We're tough.  So ya better hang your hat on that one, 'cause its here to stay.

After my special love moment passed inside Holiday,  i got back into the car and though, Yep, we ARE in these trenches together people. We're a team. And i love you.

But as i drove a bit further i thought, Team?? These people are crazy, these people aren't my team, these people could very well become my MURDERED with only one turn of the wheel!

So i stopped thinking and just focused on the road. And then flicked off the next person to drive past me. Just to let em' know who's the boss out here.

 (just kidding, Mom)


Winter.

I'm not saying i wanna break up.



....I just need some space.

Look up and live.

Get ready, cause here i come.

Technology.

It's the cause of my rant today. It has been slowly burning down in the pit of my belly for weeks and weeks and today--I'm snapping.  And its highly likely that about 99% of the seven people who read this aren't going to agree cause they will probably be reading this on their tablets, or say it ain't so, while they are in the line at Chipotle! (insert mad woman scream here!)

I am like so totally over this electronic phase of life.

A long time ago, by brother told me that he didn't think the problem was the instant access but the slow separation that was going to come between the have's and the have not's.  I never really committed to that problem as my fury was at the total idiots that it was creating in our kids. Little self righteous, instant access, over informed, under educated, selfie taking, reading about peoples life but unable to live their own, smart phone dummie kids.

My step daughter constantly jokes about not needing her brain because its "not the most used network in America", or not needing to know which direction is North, "because my phone does", i laugh, as i beg her not to be just another smart phone dummie. She doesn't get it.

Because shes growing up in the era and its just "what everyone else it doing". It would be weird for her NOT to have a smart phone, i pod (x5) a kindle and a nook, right?

Seriously, i just have to take slow deep breaths at this point.......

I know the argument.

"But its whats happening, everything is online and if my kid doesn't know how to work something they will be behind." "What about college? They are going to need to know how to do this stuff."

Here's my argument.

I don't know how itunes, twitter, instagram,  facebook, vine, or youtube is going to help your kid.

I don't believe any of that crap. I literally hate this instant access.

We have GPS---so we don't have to actually know where we are going.

We don't memorize our friends numbers (or heaven forbid, our parents) because its programmed into the phone. Duh.

We can't spell cause autocorrect can.

We don't have photo albums at home, we have facebook online.

We don't wear watches, or write grocery lists, or go to the library, or bank, because we have a phone that can do that.

Eye contact? Forget about it.

Actual conversations? Gone.

Asking questions to Suri or Seri or whatever?  Totally.

Our brains are mush because, hey,  if we don't know it, we can just google it.

Does this bother NO ONE ELSE?!?

I don't care about the blogs to the "parent on the cell phone" or the opposing one defending the "parent on the cellphone.".

There are sides to everything and if we feel it, we can find it.

That shot of Obama, being the good for nothing that he is, walking off the plane and throwing out a weak (at best) salute to the military while he is holding a fancy drink. Yea--thats offensive.

Republicans and American lovers didn't like that. Not one bit.

But about one day later, my Liberal friend posted a photo, in defense of the Obama hate, of W holding a dog and showing a less than perfect salute as well.

Seriously?!

This is what we do?

This is our world now.

Between photoshop and about 1,890,098, 009 differing opinions, we don't even know what we can believe anymore.

Is that a fact, or an opinion?

I mean, its on the internet....so it has to be credible, right?

As for twitter, Instagram and every social media site out there--don't even get me STARTED on elementary school age kids having, first off, the tools to access that (pads, pods, notebooks etc.) but then tell me they have their own account?.......followers?!?

Its a wonder my head hasn't exploded yet.

A ten year old with a instagram account?

I just want to spank that parent. Seriously.

 But let me guess, all her friends had one. (read that in the most syrupy/whiney voice you can muster)

But we don't want to be the dork parent that that doesn't follow suit. That would be horrible.

So horrible we would have to take a photo of it, make a clever remark, tint the photo to make us look skinny, tag our 7 year old and post that baby as fast as possible.

hastag. no more phone. sad face.

Oy.

I am so over this stuff. Obviously.

Adults, do what you want. Clearly we can. And it can be fun. Just please don't be the one in front of me in the line at Chipotle that thinks it would be inhuman to NOT scroll all your facebook messages and texts and tweets while you stand there. Cause you just look dumb. Like i really think you are probably dumb. Like, i bet you can't even spell d-u-m-b dumb. Have i made my point? Dumb.

I don't know why it always happens there and why its always around me,(who am i kidding, its everywhere all the time!) but its a a miracle that i have even survived standing in that 78 hour long line while i see all these smart phone dummies just looking at their screens and MISSING actual LIFE!!!!!!

If i snap one day......its gonna be in the Chipotle line. Guaranteed.

Now lets talk about school.

(you didn't think i was done did you? Silly reader.)

I am getting sheet after sheet home in my kids backpack that is telling me about these apps that i can get for the kids school work. Work that has to be done. Apps. (kill me now)

Thankfully, at the bottom in teeny tiny print i found a sentence that read "And if you are lame and don't have anything for an app, then you can go to a website starting with www. and find your kids homework, ya ol stick in the mud."

Seriously, i'm pretty sure i wrote that verbatim.

So now, i feel the gap. The have's and the have not's.

Not only do i not have wifi at home, or any sort of tablet, but i think it would be beyond financially irresponsible (unlike the many coffees i get in a week) for us to pay out that much money so our kids can play mind numbing games, access porn, and read about the Slender man.

Ummm, no thank you.

I will walk my daughter down to the dungeon each night and sign her on the the plug-in-the-wall computer and access her IXl math. (which is a blast, I tell you and it feels nothing like a punishment.)
Because its all i can do.

I know you people (yea, i said "you people" and i mean it) are all proposing your responses and defenses and ready to tell me that i am hurting my kid by keeping them(and us) from this stuff. And how and why your kid is so advanced because of technology. I know.

I know you are confident in your decisions.

And i also know that i am so very hopeful that this computer age comes to an end and people start raking leaves together as a family again.

We are what we claim to disagree with. Oh those kids that can't go without their screens. They have no time management skills.  So entitled. They get whatever they want. Instant access.

I mean, I only have one dork computer and i like facebook as much as the next guy. I get it. But shouldn't we fight it a little harder. Keep our kids from this black hole that is technology?

This isn't only a a kid problem, its a a grown up one.

This is true.

So why won't anyone just put their foot down?

And say no.

No, no. no. Absolutely not. I love you too much to only see the here and now. I care about your future and want the best for you, and following the crowd, drinking the coolaid and walking blindly isn't what is best. We have to protect those little minds and all the information we allow in there. Not every "follower" is worth having. There is a time and a place for technology, yes. But its not every second, of every minute, of every day, always.

Amen.

Doctors...pfft.

I'm just gonna be straight up honest in this post, so who knows where that will lead me or who(...to whom?....to who?......whom?....whatever.... ) i may offend.

These past few weeks of all three kids being in school haven't been the cake walk i had secretly anticipated.

In fact, i would say its been really, really hard.

I don't know my place yet. I'm not sure of my new tasks. And for petes sake, I'm still just me after all. Disorganized, scatterbrained, kind of lazy, food loving, tv watching, Christina.

Which i think is about 3/4 of the problem. I didn't suddenly transform into the neat freak, obsessed, type A mom that i thought i would when they stepped onto that bus.

Hmmmph.

You know what i do?

I clean a bit, cook a bit, wash laundry a bit, drink coffee a bit, and visit with my friends a.....well, a lot actually.

So i feel like this time that i had anticipated to be so long and relaxing has actually kept me feeling rushed and a bit stressed.

So stressed in fact, that i went to the doctor the other day.

Let me just give you a little insight about how often we go to the doctor around here. For the past year i thought we had health partners........but it turns out, we don't. Well, who knew!

I went to the doctor because i was a bit concerned about this pain in my left calf, i was a tiny bit worried about my ear that is swelling and just wanting blood work to make sure i'm not dying of anything.

Is that so much to ask?

Well, this doctor, who i didn't know, started asking me stuff and i answered--in true Christina fashion--quickly and not wanting to waste his time.

As I'm talking i happen to feel my mocha suddenly kick in, but no bigs, i express my concern slash confusion with why i am actually here.

To which the doctor responds, "I noticed your speech is a bit fast."

(blink.....blink. Are you kidding me!?)

"Yep." I respond. "Just trying not to waste your time."

To which he says, "How'd ya do in school?"

(blink.....blink....insert increased blood pressure now.)

"Fine, i did fine. Fine. And i know what you're getting at here, jerk. ADD? Seriously? Come on. I can read books, i enjoy my quiet time. I focus and process like a champ. Okay? Lets not do this."

To which he says "Its just that if  your speech is that fast, i can only imagine how fast your brain is working, and I'd imagine that its not very easy to slow it down sometimes. Right?

"Mmmhmm. Sure." i say.

And then i add, "Just an FYI, I feel like you are speaking especially slow, on purpose....just to prove your point."

And with that, we tensely smile at each other.

He just continued right along. "Are you having good conversations with your husband?" He asks. (serious, i might add)

At this point i literally laughed out loud and asked him, (with lightning speed) " Are you having good conversations with your wife?"

Touche Christina (......i said to no one.)

Then about 5 minutes later after having to honestly tell him my high school grades (!) and prove i wasn't a nut, he told me that sometimes "home moms"(yep, that's what he called me) spend alot of time thinking about how they are feeling when the kids go off to school and they really just need to find something constructive to do with their time.

(blink.....blink....)

I'll tell you what I'm going to do thats constructive, buddy--I'm going to construct an involved plan about how i can take you out in the parking lot after work. Oh yea, that's right, how you like that? And I'll do it all with my lightening fast brain and swollen ear. OKAY?

Guh.

So that was last week.

And now i don't even know if i am actually feeling things or if its my "home mom" problem.

Gross.

Even though i laughed about it. I have been thinking about it....

I guess it boils down to responsibility and discipline. And i am just having a heck of a time with that.

The pressure i feel to have the house clean and dinner ready, cause I'm home alone, seems to be overwhelming.

I feel like i am going to crack, like at any second.

I hate dishes. I hate laundry. I don't need to be busy. I don't want to reorganize my drawers or linen closet. Socialization is way more important to me that that junk and its so lonely at home...in the laundry room.

 And yet....that's my job.

When i look back, i feel like i may have been a little bit crazy when i had Junior. Like, angry and spinning crazy.

It was the sleep i tell you. No one ever sleeps!

And yet now, i feel like i am kind of going down that road again.

Me trying to keep up with three kids homework?  Fuhgedaboudit  Its madness. Who's spelling needs to be done when? Did your do your IXL math? "A" says "ahhh". Read for 20 minutes. Wheres that sheet i signed? Do you have lunch money? Snacks? Oh you're the star of the week this week? What was your mothers mothers mom? What is 33 divided by 3? If a train leaves the station at 4 o'clock and its heading North........

Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! This is more than i can do here.

Each night i find myself wondering where is my place in life? What should i do? Is any of it valuable? Am i gonna snap and really go after that doctor?  Maybe.

All i know it i got on the treadmill and walked for 29 minutes today to help my brain.

I don't know if it worked....but i'm gonna keep trying.

You know how people often say non Christians have a "Jesus shaped hole in their heart?"

Well, I feel like i have a "Christina shaped hole" in mine . And i can't figure out how the heck I'm supposed to fill it.

Who am i?

...and why the heck is my left ear swollen, darnit!